Feeling Trampled On - Part 1

bubblesshine

New member
I do realize providing background facts would be very helpful on this post. First I would like for any of you reading to know I have been a forum user for over a year. But the people in my poly life have used my blog and posts here against me. I need to write, I need to post but no longer as who I was.

Situation: marriage opened to poly last summer, not much luck for me on dating and finding other loves (well there was one but he's been veto'd and we didn't even have a veto policy), our relationship for last 21 years has been filled with lies on his part, me cheating in retaliation, and now we're at a precipice where we both are finally saying "WE'RE BROKEN".

Recent events: June I went and met a guy some hours away. He's a Master/Dom, I came home with marks on me (just mild bruising nothing painful) and really formed a deep connection with this guy. Finally I felt peace inside me. Spouse lost it not comprehending how I could want to be marked up. This was a person who once wanted to Dom me and now, all of a sudden, he does not condone it. A week later I find out this new guy had not fully disclosed to me the safe sex health of his other partners. He has a girlfriend with HSV2. I was in a moment, a moment to decide whether not to tell my spouse about this...(the new guy was tested 2 weeks before we met and was neg but I didn't know he fluid bonded with this girl or that she has hsv2) and I decided to provide full disclosure.

Damn did that bite me in my ass. I was given ultimatums that if I went back spouse would never have sex with me again. A few hours later, an ultimatum our marriage would be over.

So many times since my spouse started seeing his girlfriend did I want to pull an ultimatum but never did. I couldn't because my "issues" in our relationship had/have nothing to do with her. But for some reason, there's a double standard when it comes to me. Seriously! This entire poly has been one huge double standard. I get accused of being "controlling" yet, any time, a date, a guy whose flakey, whatever my spouse lets me know that he doesn't like it. There truly has been no freedom for me this last year.

What I had a problem with these ultimatums was no one was giving me the time I needed to get out of the subspace I was in from three straight days with a Dom, no one was letting me chew on the whole situation. I was sent a text asking me what's in my heart right then (three thursdays ago). I was honest, I couldn't lie. And my answer didn't mean that's what I'd be doing:

I said "I still want to go see Jim. But I'm torn". Well that response...frickin bit me in the ass and I've burned myself.

The next day spouse texted he's going away for a few days (this was a Friday) to think about us. Whether he wanted to remain married. It was so damn hot here that weekend too. Causing me tons of breathing problems on top of the grief I started experiencing. I was getting punished...and not punished just for this guy but for over 21 years of things my spouse has never let go of. And he says I don't forgive or forget.

He comes home late Saturday (all this time he's "thinking" about us he is with his girlfriend...a behavioral analyst). Sunday he works. When he gets home we go over our lists. Both lists are negatives...nothing about positives at all. It appears we both felt that hashing out the negatives would be great to figure out if it's worth working on. The biggest area is no TRUST at all. Neither of us trust the other. We hash through it...he's saying we can never get trust back, you just have to have it. Well I disagree...but you know, his girlfriend has said so much to him...like couples this far out shouldn't go to marriage counseling. Really? She really said that? Wow because she's been married 5 years longer than us and she and he hub are going to counseling.

Oh...I've tested for HSV2 since I went to see this guy. Neg and I go back in October. Sorry...didn't give that info above.

So going to bed Sunday...we've agreed to work on us. Sex/making love Monday morning....but I was still in a bad emotional place. I was still grieving and really wanted him with me Monday night. Monday is his overnight. I requested Sunday night for him to cancel his Monday since he spent Thurs to late Sat with his girlfriend. I get accused of "controling". Fuck...I feel so damn stupid, looking back.

After work, he's not talking to me, not anything. I get in the bath, bawling my eyes out and tell him that I think we should end it. He doesn't even care I am in pain. He doesn't want me to be happy. He leaves and again...I'm left at home, a broken heart with my three kiddos.

Tuesday he returns, we talk more and he agrees is dangling that after a week or two, we can discuss whether we can work on us or not, if it's worth it. That was two Tuesdays ago. So we've been working on things, but it just doesn't seem enough. We discuss days of the week: I get Wed & Fri, he has Mon & Thurs. Saturday days are to spend time with family. Also, he sees his girlfriend Mondays to Tuesday afternoon, visits her home Wed days while I'm at work, Thursday nights to Friday afternoons.
 
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bubblesshine

New member
Part II

I'll be honest, it drives me nuts/crazy/makes me feel like crap that when he's with me, he's constantly texting her. And after 3 or 4 calls each day, calls to tell her goodnight, every night. I rarely (even in the months before this shit storm) ever received a goodnight text and never any calls. He's good about contacting me in the morning...but not while she's in his presence. And I was okay with that. It was fine...no biggie, but when we're "discussing" "working" on us, well that just seems disrespectful to me. Am I wrong? Am I trying to control the situation? Or is he truly just an asshole?

So come Friday last week, so it's been a week since then, he lets me know he's lost his job. He gets me from work, we are actually having a great discussion (no kids helps) and I let him know what all this "waiting" and "seeing" is doing to me. I told him flat out:

What you don't get, is after our family camping trip (this sun to tues), I just might not want to be with you anymore. Do you seriously think I can respect myself after these weeks to be treated this way. All because you're angry with me over my answer about Jim that day. Do you realize you backed me into a corner, bullied me with ultimatums, and you didn't get the answer you wanted. I wouldn't give it to you. But you weren't willing to let me have some time to think through all the facts, you wanted an answer right there and now, so I'm getting punished because I didn't tell you what you wanted. You've done that to me many times.

I described more of how my grief has been dealt with, mostly, how my brain is telling me I can't let anyone treat me like this. And I asked him to listen to the next thing I'm about to say without getting upset, but I felt it was fair for him to know where my thoughts and plans were moving.

You need to know I've already started the paperwork for separation/divorce. If we come back from camping and you're still in that "wishy washy leading me on place" you will be moving out come the first of August. Until school starts you get the kids for one week, me the next. When school starts, you get them every weekend. You'll have to find your own place to live, whether it's with your girlfriend or your parents.

And he knows I'm serious about. Last weekend was amazing...we were working on it. Come this week...things have been okay. I have these worksheets on finding the positive in a relationship. But Wednesday he took off. He didn't want to see my mom (she now knows we're poly and didn't take it too well) so he took off to his girlfriends. I'm now sitting here going: hmm again my night...my night to do whatever I want, taken, gone so he can do whatever the hell he wants to. Then yesterday he tells me on the phone his Thursday overnight is going until sometime Saturday. Whew...I had to hang up. I was so pissed! Again? Really again? I called him on it. I called her on it.

Not once since he lost his job last week has he attempted to apply to any job. And she promised she'd not take up his time. So I told her yesterday I'm so close to kicking him out and she can support him from now on. She took a pic of the text and sent it to him. He's so worried about me messing up his relationship with her...makes me almost want to puke. :mad:

And again...in the last few days I continue to hear from him "how does it feel" "that's what you put me through". I'm starting to think his relationship with her is just to punish me. Punish me for being honest, for being truthful, where he has never been able to. And...that...his lying...why is it every new woman in his life think he won't lie to them? I already know a few he's said to her and she is just like the last one, the cowgirl, who was heart broken to find out he lied. A liar doesn't stop lying just because they've met someone new...they just continue lying until they are able to look within and figure out why they do what they do.

So we agreed I'd be nice before he left yesterday as long as when we are doing our family camping trip (also he wants to spend this time "working on us" and these "date" assignments) he ceases 100% contact with his girlfriend. We shook hands. I'm thinking all cell phones need to turn off the service and just be available to take pictures.

But I sit here today wondering how much more of this treatment I can take? I don't feel I deserve any of it. We both have hurt each other and I really thought we had forgiven and forgotten and that we were in a really awesome happy place...at least I felt that on the 4th of July.

I don't have any real questions but feel free to comment. Let me know how much of a dumbass I might be for sitting here, waiting or even wanting to attempt working on us. We do have three children...a Junior in High School, a third grader and a toddler.

And, after going over our budget for the rest of this month and all of next, I have come to see what I've been afraid of...on my own without him...is actually a financial possibility. If he still had his job...I cover almost $800 of our expenses he can't. So if I boot him out come August 1st, I take him off the car insurance, I have his cell phone line removed from my bill and put into his name directly, I won't have to feed him and the money I would be short to cover bills...well I may come out with nothing left over but I do make enough to support myself and the three kids without him living here.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I am so sorry you're still struggling.

It's a good thing you have done the math - at least you know that you aren't negotiating from a place of financial insecurity.

To me, it sounds like he is continuing to disrespect decisions/terms he has agreed to. I say, take your power back. Things haven't improved. You've tried.
 

YouAreHere

Well-known member
I am so sorry you're still struggling.

It's a good thing you have done the math - at least you know that you aren't negotiating from a place of financial insecurity.

To me, it sounds like he is continuing to disrespect decisions/terms he has agreed to. I say, take your power back. Things haven't improved. You've tried.

Agreed, agreed, agreed.

Given what you've said here, this sounds less like a poly issue and more like a respect issue (or rather, lack of it). There seems to be a whole lot of turning everything around on YOU and a lack of ownership of anything. This drove me crazy with my ex... the "only you can make yourself feel upset" thing only goes so far; it doesn't absolve anyone of the consequences of being an asshole.

You've done the math. Take care of yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first and then see how things settle out from there.

Hugs.
 

bubblesshine

New member
Thanks bluebird and you are here!

Knowing the math (and he does as well) has helped for me to no longer be afraid of the unknown. I'm getting use to being alone. That's another fear I've dealt with over the years and with poly in our lives I've learned I can be "okay" alone.

It's like this family camping trip. I don't understand how he thinks that is the prime time to do these date sheets and work on us. I told him yesterday that if he really wanted to work on us he wouldn't be taking extra days away from our time we could go over the positives and learn how to be better communicators. Some of those assignments are for 7 weeks. I almost feel like he doesn't want to try and that his rich girlfriend will just take care of him (since he's so concerned about her knowing the truth...one truth she has no clue about...we will be filing bankruptcy...it's a bit longer than planned since I won't have enough money to get the attorney paid in full). She wants a boyfriend with a job and who is responsible. He even said to me two weekends ago "Why should I give up my relationship with her if she's willing to finance me to own my own business"?

Um I get that finding a nest egg might be a solution to our financial strains but really, is that love? To be involved with someone whose willing to buy your future? Seems a bit, well, a bit conniving.

The oldest told me last night that while her father's been unemployed she's still the one taking care of her siblings during the day while he either sleeps or is on his cell, laying down in our bedroom. And she has a job too! Yep apparently capricorn women and girls have to be the ones holding down the fort and taking care of home and kids while the picses dreamer does whatever he chooses to do. (I do feel venom and sarcasm at times - learning it's okay to have these feelings and that it isn't bad, that it's perfectly natural).

Last night I felt like bagging up all his clothing and what not to leave out on the sidewalk for when he gets home Saturday. But I held back. This upcoming family activity is very important to my oldest and me as well. It might be the last one ever. I don't think hubs sees it that way.

Is his girlfriend correct in that going to marriage counseling is a waste of our time? I don't see how since we've never ever attempted such. And god forbid a counselor might tell us/provide us information that contradicts with her apparently "wise words".
 

bubblesshine

New member
Feel free to pm me to learn more about my former user id here. I think a few of you know who I am. But if you don't, I don't mind sharing that information. I just don't want spouse, his girlfriend, her husband and their children to now this is my new user id.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
It's pretty clear to me, who you are. :)
 

KerryRen

New member
The oldest told me last night that while her father's been unemployed she's still the one taking care of her siblings during the day while he either sleeps or is on his cell, laying down in our bedroom.

It sounds like he's already checked out of the marriage and the family to a large degree.

Is his girlfriend correct in that going to marriage counseling is a waste of our time? I don't see how since we've never ever attempted such. And god forbid a counselor might tell us/provide us information that contradicts with her apparently "wise words".

Counseling is one of those things that may not help, but won't hurt to try, IMHO.
 

bubblesshine

New member
It sounds like he's already checked out of the marriage and the family to a large degree.



Counseling is one of those things that may not help, but won't hurt to try, IMHO.

He's been like that with his parental duties for years. He denies it. His girlfriend thinks he's the world's best dad ever. I realize part of me wants a three month separation and part of me wants to try...to work on being positive (well I'm doing that with or without him) in our marriage. But honestly I'm not sure how much of his checking out is due to NRE. They've been dating since October. He says NRE is over, yet, its like this last week... He's living two lives and lying to both me and my metamour. Being all lovey and sexual with me but telling her he isn't intimate with me.
 

bubblesshine

New member
And he lies again

Guess he's just building a bigger and bigger whole. I've been wondering about his getting "fired" and how that same day he decides to work on us.

Just spoke to his ex-supervisor. He walked out. Spouse told me he worked to the end of his shift and the next day supervisor called and told him not to come in. This was Thursday to Friday last week. Then Sunday spouse says he is fired. So he files an unemployment claim...basically lying about the loss of employment.

Now my question is when do I let spouse know I know the truth. It's a catch 22. Damn if I do and damned if I don't.

Spouse's issue with me (as he's been verbalizing to me) is I don't trust him. Now in a normal situation I would've never thought of calling his boss and ask for the story. But since I'm the "bad guy" all the time, I needed to know, now. If I let him know I found out what occurred is not what he explained to me, I'm in "trouble" for doubting.

I think my best course of action is to wait for the unemployment denial. The employer's story will be in it; thus, I can ask my question. Why is their explanation different than yours?

Now...since my metamour is "big" on honesty and the truth and being with someone who is dependable...I want her to know. I want her to have her eyes wide open in making a life decision about moving up North with my spouse, opening a business for him.

Is it wrong of me to feel this, to want her to know everything? I don't think it is but I'm also hurting.
 

Vinccenzo

New member
I think you need to examine what you're hoping to accomplish by warning your metamour about what your spouse is up to.
Firstly, she's a grown person. Let her path of discovery with him be her own.
Secondly, she advises him to choices that are contrary to reconciliation steps you suggest. She doesn't seem concerned with bringing you any truths she might have about lies he tells you. Do you have reason to believe your attempts won't be used against you or that she will be an ally to you.
Thirdly, till you decide if continuing your marriage is the healthiest path for you, actions that might limit his exit ability might just bite you in the ass later. If you decide you want him gone, he will be easier extracted if he believes he has a support person.
 

bubblesshine

New member
I think you need to examine what you're hoping to accomplish by warning your metamour about what your spouse is up to.
Firstly, she's a grown person. Let her path of discovery with him be her own.
Secondly, she advises him to choices that are contrary to reconciliation steps you suggest. She doesn't seem concerned with bringing you any truths she might have about lies he tells you. Do you have reason to believe your attempts won't be used against you or that she will be an ally to you.
Thirdly, till you decide if continuing your marriage is the healthiest path for you, actions that might limit his exit ability might just bite you in the ass later. If you decide you want him gone, he will be easier extracted if he believes he has a support person.

I want my spouse to take responsibility for his choices. Thanks for your reply. I want to be vindicated and I want to just be happy. Either way I'm only going to find that by giving a boot to his ass. It's taken me some weeks to get to this point. I've already finished up the legal separation agreement. After we get back from camping I will be presenting it to him. This will be Tuesday night. He will have until Friday, August 1st to get his stuff out of the house and find a place to live, whether with his girlfriend or his parents.

I doubt there will be any time spent on us during camping and I doubt he'll stick to his agreement of no contact with her.

You are right, she needs to find the truth of who he is on her own. And if she decides she wants to be his sugar momma, than she can have him.

I have just been trying to process this is the best decision for myself. And it is for the kids too. I have been trying to protect them and not let them see who their dad is, but the choices he's currently making and the ones he will be making will show them exactly what and who he is.

And yes, in the back of my mind, I have a small hope that after three months of being separated, he'll want to work on us and he'll miss us. But honestly, I doubt we will ever reconcile. Divorce will proceed once we get the bankruptcy discharged.

I'm a bit pissed he quit his job. Him having no income, him having no unemployment coming in, only means it's going to take me that much longer to get the attorney paid in full and the court filing fee paid. Argh!!!

It's a bit sickening to think, but I almost sense (due to past similar situations we've had) he is actually planning his exodus from his girlfriend. It's deja vue from Dec 2012 all over again. Seriously, I've lived this before, lived with him telling me it's over, but constantly coming back to me.

I am done.:eek:
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
It sounds like you needed to write to air out. Process some grief feelings, disappointment feelings. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent.

Basically you are separating and in time divorcing? Sounds like decision made to me.

I want my spouse to take responsibility for his choices
.

Not in your control. He is in charge of his behavior choices.

I think you may mean "I wish my spouse would take responsibility for his choices. I see when he does not. It bothers me when his poor choices affect me."

If so? Already en route to being solved as you separate so his behavior choices cannot affect you to the same degree.

I want to be vindicated.

In what? That leaving this rship is the healthiest choice for you? If so? You know that answer for yourself. Other people do not determine that.

"I want to just be happy. "

With what? In general? You most likely will in the fullness of time. But have to move past this divorcing time and grief time first.

Hang in there. You will be ok.

Galagirl
 
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bubblesshine

New member
Thanks GG!

You are correct. My mind is made up. The next week will be hard for me. Mainly to get through the family activities we have planned. And yes "I wish" as I know I have no control of his decisions, actions, behavior etc.

I know when I do lay it all out and ask him to go to the court to sign and file the paperwork he will be upset. He made his choice yesterday. Now he will live with it.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I don't know why you bothered hiding behind a new screen name when it is clear who you are.

On to your dilemma... why are you trying to save a "relationship" that brings more heart ache and turmoil than joy.

It has been apparent he is a selfish individual who only cares about his wants. What kind of parent puts their children's well being in danger by throwing a tempertanrum and walking out on their job when they are in financial straights.

Kick his ass out let his gf save him. She will figure out his true colors.

Btw not all of us pisces are irresponsible jerks.
 

bookbug

New member
I had to laugh a bit at the observation that rather than taking responsibility for walking out on his job, he would be angry that you didn't trust him and called to ascertain the truth. Um this begs the point that you don't trust him because he is untrustworthy - and this latest issue with the job continues to prove it. Who gives a rats if he's upset that you don't trust him when in fact you have caught him in yet another lie?

I get that issues between couples are owned by both parties, but there are ground rules to working it out, and not lying is one of them. How can anything be negotiated, mutual understanding reached if one of the parties does not tell the truth and own his or her shit? Bottom line? It can't.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
bubbleshine, I empathize and sympathize with your pain, frustration and grief. Glad you've made the decision to split! Good luck, and I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible.
 
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