Female Asexual married to Male Hypersexual: Hope poly bridges the gap

Hi, I’ve just recently found your board and I am so impressed with the amount of information and the variety of life experiences that you have all shared about yourselves!
A little about me and my personal situation:
In short:
I’m a married, 36 female Bi(curious)-Romantic-Grey-Asexual. What does this mean to me? Let me break it down:
Asexual-in the strictest sense this means that I do not feel sexual attraction towards people or a desire to be sexual with people. I used to tell people that you could take 100 of the most attractive people on the planet and while I would find them physically attractive – I would not find them sexually attractive and would not want to have intercourse with any of them.
Grey-means that I occasionally (rarely) do desire to be sexually intimate or have sex with someone whom I am in a relationship with.
Romantic- means that I do experience a romantic attraction towards people. I want to have loving caring relationships with people. I want to experience other types of intimacy with my partner: emotional, physical, sensual, intellectual, and romantic intimacies.
Bi(curious)-means that I do find women to be attractive and would like to have a relationship with a woman. However, I have yet to really experience a true relationship with a woman. Finding a woman to be curious and experimental with has been a bit more difficult due to being married when my curiosity was aroused and being Grey-Asexual.
(Yeah I know the short story ended up a bit on the long side due to an explanation of everything…Sorry.)

In long:
I met my husband in 1997 and we were married in 2000. This was before I realized that there was such a thing as asexuality but I warned him that I would typically manage to maintain a sexually intimate relationship for only a few years before I gradually lost all desire for sex. We discussed this but we both thought that this was due to relationship problems.

Things were wonderful for us for several years, and then as was normal for me, my ability to desire sex began to wane at an alarming rate. Everything else in the relationship was amazing. We talked and communicated well; we shared dreams, and supported each other through life. We could not figure out what was going on with us. We went to couples counseling, I went to counseling on my own as well. None of that helped. The counselor couldn’t figure out what our problem was, she mentioned that we were a well-matched couple, that we communicated in a healthy way and that it was obvious that we loved and cared for each other. Counseling didn’t really help, and the counselor was stumped, so we stopped going. Years later I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me physically so I went to the doctor. Hormone tests, physicals, blood tests, vitamin tests…..Everything was ‘normal’. Doctors told me I just needed to get over it and have sex with the hubs. But I just couldn’t do it. I had no desire for sex and it just felt like a chore to me. I would occasionally enjoy it, but mostly it was a huge drag. I loved my husband I wanted him to be happy so I tried.

Years passed again and now we were both upset because of the sexual tension in our relationship. We argued all of the time about it. It was truly the only REAL fighting we did. I was upset because I thought that he was putting too much importance on sex and that sex was the whole reason he wanted to be with me. I was missing all of the other little things that make a relationship work: cuddling, and loving each other and sharing hobbies etc. He was upset because he felt that I didn’t find him attractive and that I didn’t want to be with him any longer. We went back to counseling. Once again, the counselor couldn’t figure out why our relationship wasn’t working, she could tell that we cared for each other, that we wanted this to work and that we knew how to communicate with each other. I also went back to the doctor to make sure that things were still normal with me physically, which they were.

Which brings us to April/May 2012: That’s about when I found out about Asexuality. I was so happy I finally realized that I was normal-that there was nothing wrong with me (something I had been saying repeatedly to people) and that there were many others in the world like me.

I spoke to my husband about it, telling him that I finally figure me out and was so happy that there were others like me-and that many of them were in relationships with Sexuals-, that we could learn from them and find a way to make our relationship work not that we knew what we were dealing with. He tried, but could not see a way for us to work since he could not live without regular sex. (I think he’s a hypersexual.)

So he requested a divorce. I moved out in June. We did divorce but it was one of those rare divorces where we sit down talk to each other and discuss the terms of the divorce. We continued to be friends, talking frequently, supporting each other through our ups and downs and loving each other. In that way this divorce was incredibly difficult. We loved each other so much that it hurt to be apart. He dated a couple of ladies, which we talked about and I supported. I really, truly wanted him to find someone he could be happy with.

Then in December, I opted to move halfway across the country to be closer to my family, he helped me to plan my trip and pack my belongings. We spent quite a bit of time talking and one of the things that I brought up was that I felt that if we were to live a polylifestyle we could both be happy and we could stay together.

In mid-December I left but only three hours into my trip I was in an accident, destroying my car, killing one of the dogs I was traveling with, and putting me into the local ER. I called him for help. He was the first person I wanted to talk to afterwards and the person who I desperately needed at that moment in time. He dropped everything to come and get me. He brought me back to his house and we spent a lot of time together talking about our relationship, about how we both wished we could make it work. Once again, I brought up the polylifestyle as a solution. We talked a little bit about how, in theory, we would like a polylifesyle to work, and we both wished that we had tried it earlier. But I had already made arrangements in my new town. I had family expecting me and job interviews scheduled. I felt that it was too late for us and that I had to move one with my life, so I flew to my new home.

A few days passed and he called me. He said he still loved me (as I still loved him). He asked me to marry him again. He called me every day for a few days, until I said yes. We were recently remarried after seven months of separation (four months divorced). While we are still living 17,000 mile apart, we are talking a lot about our future. We will not be able to live together for at least 18 months due to work/contract requirements. But we are talking a lot.

We are still in the VERY early stages of figuring out our Poly boundaries, so finding this site is a HUGE help. I am SOOO happy to have you available to us as a resource and as support.

(WOW: Long story eneded up being really-really long)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings FindingMyselfInTheGrey,
Welcome to our forum.

Your story was both very interesting and very moving. If only they would tell us about things like polyamory and asexuality when we were kids! It would save a lot of people a lot of heartache.

It's wonderful that you and your husband are at last getting some ideas about how you can live together again and make it work. I hope Polyamory.com can be of help to you as you figure things out. I think it can.

Take awhile to explore our various threads, and post any thoughts or questions you may have. There are a lot of good people here, and many new friends to be made.

It is great to have you onboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If only they would tell us about things like polyamory and asexuality when we were kids! It would save a lot of people a lot of heartache.

I really do wish that sexuality was more honestly discussed in school. So many people struggle with not knowing where they fit and wondering what is wrong with them, when it is really preventable. I get really frusterated when I think back to all of the time I spent in counseling, both alone and with my husband, trying to figure out a way to 'fix' things, and to 'fix' me. When the whole time there was nothing wrong with me. I'm just wired a little bit differently and have a different way of experiencing joy and intamacy with my partner(s).

Granted, Asexuality as an orientation only began being discussed on a large scale in 2001. And has only recently begun to be studied in acedemia in 2004.
So it's pretty new and I can't really fault my counselors for not knowing any different.

I began reading Opening Up and have found it to be an invaluable resource for my husband and me to begin to discuss and explore this journey into poly-living. And although we do live 17,000 miles apart, we talk every day and we have been able to begin to talk to eachother about what (idealy and realistically) we both want from a future partner.

We know that there will be difficulties and stresses in developing a new triad, V, or polyfidelic relationship, but we also know that when we find the right person and we learn to be open and loving and compromise for the best within our new dynamic that there will be a lot of joy for all.
 

Helo

New member
Welcome to the 'hood.

I've always been somewhat fascinated with the concept of asexuality simply because it's almost completely opposite of my general outlook that I find it a difficult concept to fully wrap my head around.

Perhaps it just comes from being a horny little spider monkey but sex (or at least physical intimacy) shapes a lot of my personal relationships.

There was a young woman taking classes at the college I went to for a few semesters who was asexual. The topic came up in class and it was discussed for a bit and I saw her later out of class. I had to talk to her about class anyways and after that we started talking about sexuality. I would compare it to first contact between two alien races:

"So you are generally always thinking about sex?
"Not ALWAYS, but yeah a lot of the time. You NEVER think about sex?"
"Not really. Do you look at a total stranger and think about sex or do you have to know them first?"
"Total strangers can be sexy but they generally dont stay in the memory too long"

Etc etc...
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi, FindingMyself, and welcome.

Surely you and your h are not 17,000 miles apart but merely 1700? The US is only 3000 miles across.

I am really happy you've finally discovered your asexual nature after so many years of feeling different, and so many years of your h feeling frustrated.

My sister is basically asexual... she has been married about 30 years and some time ago made an agreement to have sex with her h twice a week (like clockwork on Friday and Saturday nights). In exchange, he takes her out to dinner once a week. She doesn't orgasm and I guess it's just a wham bam thank you ma'am, and he's OK with that. Sounds kind of horrible to me, but I am not them.

Anyway, I am on the other side of the spectrum. Maybe I am "hypersexual"... I like sex a lot!

My gf is interested in having sex kind of sporadically. Some weeks she will want it 3 days in a row, other weeks she is fine to not have any sex at all. If we were monogamous, I would be quite frustrated on her off weeks. Luckily we are happily polyamorous and I've been seeing and fucking others ever since she and I hooked up 4 years ago. For the last year or so I have been just seeing one guy, and he is a sexy dog like me. Our sex even inspires my gf sometimes.

I hope for a similar happy solution for you!
 
I am curious. What is 'hypersexual'? How are you using the term?

The definition I use:
Hypersexuality is extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity.

He fits the 'extremely frequent' portion of this definition, because he needs/desires sex frequently.

-We actually sat down and tried to find some sort of comprimise with frequency of intercourse, but we are just so far apart in desire that we couldn't come to an agreement. For me an agreement of once weekly guaranteed was too much. Don't get me wrong I love Hubbs, but the idea of schduling sex was a huge turn off. I agreed that we do need to schedule time to just be focused on us and sharing intimacy...but sexual intamacy (for me at least) is something that can't be scheduled or forced.

-This is where I though Poly could come into play...I thought he could find a woman who could fufill his needs in that department and other intimate needs that are associated with that, which I am unable to fufill. But neither he (or I) want a purely sexual relationship with another person. In many wanys we feel that that would be 'using' another person, while that person would not be getting any of her needs met within the relationship. We want to make sure that everyone in our relationships is getting their needs met, feels, loved, cherished, respected, and is a someone we can share a life with.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Yes, your h can hopefully find a nice woman to share regular sex, intimacy, dates and all that good stuff with. A fair warning from an experienced poly person though-- this hypothetical gf may or may not want a relationship with you.

Triads are rare. Sometimes we actively dislike our metamours. Hopefully we at least feel neutral and can be polite in passing. Sometimes there can be true friendship. Rarely there can be real romantic love and even more rarely, sexual activity. All 3 living together in peace and harmony? Chances are extremely slim.

Personally, I am good with neutral and polite! Friends is better, to be hoped for, but not invested in. Your h is the one with the deeply unmet needs.

If he wants sex every day, I think throwing around the "hyper" word is unhelpful and possibly hurtful. He is not an oversexed beast.

Have you agreed to him starting to look for a gf while you and he are living apart? OK Cupid (free dating site, poly friendly) is a good place to start.
 
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Yes, your h can hopefully find a nice woman to share regular sex, intimacy, dates and all that good stuff with. A fair warning from an experienced poly person though-- this hypothetical gf may or may not want a relationship with you.

Triads are rare. Sometimes we actively dislike our metamours. Hopefully we at least feel neutral and can be polite in passing. Sometimes there can be true friendship. Rarely there can be real romantic love and even more rarely, sexual activity. All 3 living together in peace and harmony? Chances are extremely slim.
I understand that there is a difference between a desired and a realistic relationship. I am hopeful that we could find someone that we can both have a relationship with. I desire a deep friendship with my metamour, but in reality I understand that this may not happen and that I may need to be satisfied with a neutral, polite relationship. At a bare minimum I want to have open, respectful communication with her.
We have a desire to share a life, a home, and a long-term relationship with someone we both like in some way. However we also realize that this is a rare occurrence and would realistically be satisfied with just living close enough for Hubbs to visit on a regular basis.


If he wants sex every day, I think throwing around the "hyper" word is unhelpful and possibly hurtful. He is not an oversexed beast.
I hadn’t meant him to sound like an ‘oversexed beast’ because that’s not how I feel about him at all. I just used the term as a way to describe his needs…not who he is. He is an amazing man. Full of courage, honor, creativity, strength, life and love, he is more than his desire for frequent sex. If it was all about sex for him, I wouldn’t have any desire to be in any sort of relationship with him.


Have you agreed to him starting to look for a gf while you and he are living apart? OK Cupid (free dating site, poly friendly) is a good place to start.
While were divorced he had been seeing a woman and is currently communicating with her his change in marital status, and our agreement for an open relationship (and that I am ok with Hubbs and her being together). Neither of them is looking for anything long-term at this time and need to keep their relationship on the DL due to their jobs. So there are minimal chances of any long term relationship between the two of them. As soon as his current contract is up, he will be leaving his job and moving here, at which time they will be going their different directions.
At the same time Hubbs has given me the ok to have a non-sexual cuddle-buddy.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
What a moving story.

I'm so sorry about your dog. How devastating. That must have been a horrific ordeal.

May I ask, how is the surviving dog doing?

And I hope you are doing okay too, of course. You sound like a strong and thoughtful person.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I understand that there is a difference between a desired and a realistic relationship. I am hopeful that we could find someone that we can both have a relationship with. I desire a deep friendship with my metamour, but in reality I understand that this may not happen and that I may need to be satisfied with a neutral, polite relationship. At a bare minimum I want to have open, respectful communication with her.

Well, OK. I just think... well, you can find a nice friend anywhere. Isnt the main thing to meet your h's needs for more sex? As another horny person, I can relate to him, you see. Hopefully he will meet someone you like, but she may not be available to you as a friend , either emotionally or because of time and distance restraints. She may not want a "cuddle buddy."

We have a desire to share a life, a home, and a long-term relationship with someone we both like in some way.

A home? That is really putting the cart before the horse. Let your h have some cuddles, laughs and romance leading to sex. Finding a single woman who wants to move in with a couple smacks of unicorn hunting.



I hadn’t meant him to sound like an ‘oversexed beast’ because that’s not how I feel about him at all. I just used the term as a way to describe his needs…not who he is. He is an amazing man. Full of courage, honor, creativity, strength, life and love, he is more than his desire for frequent sex. If it was all about sex for him, I wouldn’t have any desire to be in any sort of relationship with him.

Heh, I'm sure he's a great guy with the patience of Job. I wonder... this term hypersexual, does that come from the asexual community? Or does anything more than 3 or 4 times a week count as hyper? Anyone can answer this, I am just curious.


While were divorced he had been seeing a woman and is currently communicating with her his change in marital status, and our agreement for an open relationship (and that I am ok with Hubbs and her being together). Neither of them is looking for anything long-term at this time and need to keep their relationship on the DL due to their jobs. So there are minimal chances of any long term relationship between the two of them. As soon as his current contract is up, he will be leaving his job and moving here, at which time they will be going their different directions.
At the same time Hubbs has given me the ok to have a non-sexual cuddle-buddy.

OK, so we don't know yet if his current gf is willing to keep seeing him even though he's now married again but living separately?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re:
"I wonder ... this term hypersexual, does that come from the asexual community? Or does anything more than 3 or 4 times a week count as hyper? Anyone can answer this, I am just curious."

I had not heard of the word "hypersexual" before. I'd be surprised to find out it came from the asexual community; after all, they are trying to tell us that it's okay to have an "unusual frequency" of desire for sex. In fact if "hypersexual" means "wants a lot of sex," then the word for "wants little/no sex" would be hyposexual. Neither word really works.

I don't think it's "abnormal" to want sex once a year or many times a day, there's all kinds of different people, with a wide range of characteristics. Which if anything, makes the world more fun and interesting.

I don't think "hypersexual" was meant in a bad way, I just don't know what a good word would be to use as a substitute. Supersexual perhaps? :) Something with more of a positive spin on it.

Just thinking out loud,
Kevin T.
 

his1911

New member
Too the OP, very eerily similar story to my wife and mines relationship! Including the divore, moving that ended due to car wreck, and remarriage! She's not quite asexual but has a significantly different drive than I myself do. Poly wasn't our answer to the difference, we started swinging and once we discovered poly it was a much better fit! Though it does have its ups and downs! Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat with someone who has experience in such a situation. Both of us here know how frustrating the situation can be at times!
Nathan
 
What a moving story.

I'm so sorry about your dog. How devastating. That must have been a horrific ordeal.

May I ask, how is the surviving dog doing?

My other pup is doing quite good. She was very beat up from the accident, a lot of brusing and one nasy laceration...bad enough that I had to leave her with Husband when I moved, but he tells me that she has healed up completely and is ready to fly to me. I can't wait to have her back!

Well, OK. I just think... well, you can find a nice friend anywhere. Isnt the main thing to meet your h's needs for more sex? As another horny person, I can relate to him, you see. Hopefully he will meet someone you like, but she may not be available to you as a friend , either emotionally or because of time and distance restraints. She may not want a "cuddle buddy."

A home? That is really putting the cart before the horse. Let your h have some cuddles, laughs and romance leading to sex. Finding a single woman who wants to move in with a couple smacks of unicorn hunting.

Heh, I'm sure he's a great guy with the patience of Job. I wonder... this term hypersexual, does that come from the asexual community? Or does anything more than 3 or 4 times a week count as hyper? Anyone can answer this, I am just curious.


OK, so we don't know yet if his current gf is willing to keep seeing him even though he's now married again but living separately?

We all have certian expectations of who we want to spend our lives with. As children we imagine meeting our 'Prince' who will whisk us away on his big horse and ride us away to live in his castle in the clouds. Then we grow up and realize that that 'Prince' just isn't going to happen so we come up with different desires in our lifemate(s). Even then we realize that some of those desires just don't/wont fit into reality so we adjust our desires. Cut me a little slack as I'm still in the adjustment period. I have an general idea of what I desire in a metamour, however I also realize that some of those desires/expectaions just won't happen. I do have a bare minimum expectation as well. -I refuse to be disrespected or mistreated by anyone in my life or by anyone involved with my husband. And my husband feels the same way.

The nice thing about being a grown up and being in a poly lifestyle with other grown ups is that I don't feel a need to justify my lifestyle choices or way of life to anyone.



Re:

I had not heard of the word "hypersexual" before. I'd be surprised to find out it came from the asexual community; after all, they are trying to tell us that it's okay to have an "unusual frequency" of desire for sex. In fact if "hypersexual" means "wants a lot of sex," then the word for "wants little/no sex" would be hyposexual. Neither word really works.

I don't think it's "abnormal" to want sex once a year or many times a day, there's all kinds of different people, with a wide range of characteristics. Which if anything, makes the world more fun and interesting.

I don't think "hypersexual" was meant in a bad way, I just don't know what a good word would be to use as a substitute. Supersexual perhaps? :) Something with more of a positive spin on it.

Just thinking out loud,
Kevin T.

I originally did find the term Hypersexual in a list of definitions on the AVEN forum but the term actually dates back to the late 1800s. More recently is has been discussed as a disorder to add to the DSM-V, but has been rejected at this time. But then again once upon a time Homosexuality was listed in the DSM and we see how well that worked out.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Seems like there is already a word for the *disorder* of wanting "too much sex;" namely, sexual addiction (and the person who has the disorder is a sex addict). Addiction is a good word for that because it doesn't speak too directly to actual quantity per se. Instead, an addiction is anything that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up. Someone who has sex once a week could be a sex addict, just as easily as someone who has sex many times a day. It's not the amount; it's the effect it's having on that person's life.

I would think of "hypersexual" as a synonym for "sexual addiction" because "hyper-" means "too much" (just as "hypo-" means "too little"). I don't think you are judging your husband as being "overboard" in the sex area, you are just wanting to be respected yourself as someone who is (quite a bit) less sexually active than he is.

So just in case "hypersexual" ends up in the DSM-V or other DSM, we should have a word that doesn't mean "they want too much sex" (just that they want a *lot* of sex). I nominate "supersexual" (as the opposite of "asexual"). Who's with me? :)
 
Seems like there is already a word for the *disorder* of wanting "too much sex;" namely, sexual addiction (and the person who has the disorder is a sex addict). Addiction is a good word for that because it doesn't speak too directly to actual quantity per se. Instead, an addiction is anything that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up. Someone who has sex once a week could be a sex addict, just as easily as someone who has sex many times a day. It's not the amount; it's the effect it's having on that person's life.

I would think of "hypersexual" as a synonym for "sexual addiction" because "hyper-" means "too much" (just as "hypo-" means "too little"). I don't think you are judging your husband as being "overboard" in the sex area, you are just wanting to be respected yourself as someone who is (quite a bit) less sexually active than he is.

So just in case "hypersexual" ends up in the DSM-V or other DSM, we should have a word that doesn't mean "they want too much sex" (just that they want a *lot* of sex). I nominate "supersexual" (as the opposite of "asexual"). Who's with me? :)

Not to split hairs but having the two terms as synonyms is akin to calling every heavy drinker an alcoholic (i.e. addicted to alcohol). The key difference between being a heavy consumer of alcohol, food, sex or anything else and being an addict is that (as you say) an addiction is a behavior that is out of control in your life, and that is messing your life up.

In this case hypersexuality is only a problem because I'm an asexual. If I had a normal sex drive it wouldn't be a problem at all.

I really wish I could find more information without going to proposed DSM articles and generic definitions given by various online dictionarys. I and Hubby use the term as a self-given descriptor of his needs and desires. Perhaps we have been using it incorrectly this whole time but the term seems to fit. But I wouldn't say that he's a sex addict either.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well, I don't see a problem as long as we know what is meant by a particular word. In this thread, I wasn't confused about hypersexual, and I'm thinking your husband wasn't confused about it either. So I'm easy ... hypersexual it is.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Gosh, this isn't a science symposium. Why not just say horny?

He may seem super dee dooper horny because he's gone without for so long. It's like starvation. If you don't get to eat enough for weeks, months, years on end, it gets to where all you can think about is food. Likewise with sex. If he's been deprived for years, he may become seemingly obsessed. Once he is on a regular diet he may feel satisfied with X number of times a week, after a while of gorging himself.


I am glad he has this gf as an outlet for now. I hope he can keep her once you 2 are reunited, or find another partner asap.

Also, another way I relate. My gf can go through periods of times where she doesn't want sex, just cuddles. She is also a nudist and is usually naked when we are alone together. So, I see her adorable nakedness, and she hugs, kisses, flirts, and snuggles me for hours on end, I get more and more turned on, more and more frustrated. It sucks to have to masturbate when she is in the next room and can't or won't come and help me out. It sucks when I desire her so bad and I feel undesired and undesirable half the time we are together.

Now, I do have this super horny bf and we have one overnight date a week and we do a ton of foreplay, kink and fucking. Thank god. I still get frustrated w gf a lot though, the rest of the week!
 
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