Finding poly too hard

Harggy

New member
Hi, I've been with my partner for a year. He's 14yrs younger than me. He's the love of my life. He's poly. If I didn't love him so much almost immediately, I would have run a mile. I very specifically didn't want a relationship, just fun, so all of these difficult details didn't matter. Then we accidentally fell in love and now we live together and we're raising my son and building a business and all of the things. Life is pretty blissfully idilic.

But I've always struggled with the poly. I've always been monogamous previously. Throughout our relationship to date I've found it hard, but I've never been able to settle on why, casual sex hasn't really been a problem, mild controllable jealousy. There has been one full time metamour, we played as a three quite early, it was originally to be a triad, however it became quickly apparent she had little interest in me and so that stopped, quickly after she became a negative force in the relationship due to her being oddly manipulative and untruthful probably due to jealousy. All of this made it hard to know if my problems were with his relationship or simply her. I think now it was both.

My partner is now seeing someone new and the situation is very similar. I didn't get to meet her early on as I was struggling with us moving in together and didn't wasn't able to play for health reasons so decided to wait. Before I got the chance to meet her, sh*t went down, my partner asked when he could have her over to the new house on a night he was babysitting my son while I was away with work, on the *first* day we moved in. This hurt me a lot, I felt like while we were just starting to build our memories all he could think of was her. I acted kindly and explained I'd like to wait, get the house sorted and feel at home first and have met her before my son. He agreed. Then the day before I went away he asked me again, but this time with a guilt trip about not feeling able to nurture his new relationship the way he wants. This timing was awful as I was already nervous about leaving my son, sad about being away from him and our new home and I broke down that he had ignored my request and made me feel like a burden. We talked it through before I left and things were kind of ok. Then the following morning before leaving I opened hi phone to turn the alarm off to be confronted with a message to a third woman who he had asked if she was free to come to the house while I was away. Heart broken I chose to look at the messages between him and the new partner and he had asked her too. I was devastated that he had all these conversations whilst knowing how I felt and before reapproaching me to confront the decision we'd made.

We worked through it, it was hard, but it threw me in to a downward spiral, it broke my trust and made me doubt the strength of our relationship feeling like he was prioritising his desire to see her over my emotional comfort and needs.

Since then I have just spiralled lower. My head doesn't ever stop thinking about him with others. It torments me constantly. I am now uncomfortable with his constant flirting with others (smiling at other women in the street whilst hand in hand with me and my son ~ am I unreasonable to find this disrespectful?)

Further to this, I have since found out that the very new achievement of him voice command training my orgasms, he had also done to the new partner. This broke it for me, every time he started to count me in all I would see was her, I would become uncontrobaly sad and sob, and now I can't orgasm at all. Which makes almost every time we sleep together a sad occurrence (at least daily).

All of this has seen my mental health wash down the pan. I have a history of depression, I'm not quite in the depths but I'm constantly hurting and sad and thus means I'm snappy and angry a lot. I'm scared that I'm not going to find a way back, to cope, to be ok with everything. I don't know how to switch my head off. My partner tells me 'time, practice, love and trust' and I believe him, but that time is painfully and so is the practice and having no light at the end of the tunnel is hard.

Add to this that he dates models. Actual models, as that's who he works with. And I am no model. So far from it. I'm finding my self esteem taking a huge knock. Constantly comparing myself to these perfect miniature girls.

I'm sorry for the long spiel, I don't have anywhere in real life to turn, I'm very private and couldn't share this, so this is the first time I've got it all out. Any advice would be appreciated, I love him, more than I've ever loved anyone, I want to give him what he needs and I want to make this work.
 
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Hi, welcome. I'm unclear, is he the father of your child? How old is the child? Introducing a new partner to a child should not be taken lightly, imo. I was with my current partner for almost 6 months before I introduced him to my teens. Even longer before he spent the night at the house when they were home.

As for your situation, I would agree with your boyfriend's statement that it takes time, practice, love, and trust plus significant amounts of communication. Even when it's difficult, especially when it's difficult. Even when you don't feel like it. But, I'd also add that he has not shown himself to be 'trustworthy' or communicative! He made an agreement with you to not bring someone over while you were gone...and then he broke it, not just with that woman, but another one as well. If he didn't want to honor the agreement, he shouldn't have made the agreement. Then, you would have been free to make different choices for you and your son. Instead, he made choices that broke your agreement and affected your son, without your consent or knowledge. Not cool. In my opinion, at this point, his priority should be in rebuilding your trust, not establishing new connections. If he's unwilling to do that, I'd seriously have to ask myself why I stay.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok? :eek: I'm not sure it will be easy to hear.

All of this has seen my mental health wash down the pan. I have a history of depression, I'm not quite in the depths but I'm constantly hurting and sad and thus means I'm snappy and angry a lot.

Could listen to your feelings. This is NOT the path to go down. Could take better care of you health.

I'm scared that I'm not going to find a way back, to cope, to be ok with everything. I don't know how to switch my head off.

If you want to ignore your internal fire alarm? Shutting the alarm off is not putting out the fire or getting out of the burning house.


My partner tells me 'time, practice, love and trust' and I believe him, but that time is painfully and so is the practice and having no light at the end of the tunnel is hard.

Since you vote no confidence in him keeping his word, what actions is he going to do to back it up? I do not read that he's taking ownership for his behavior. Just kinda sweeping it under the rug.

I am sorry you partner is not saying "I am sorry I said one thing and did another. I am sorry I broke your trust in me. I ask for your forgiveness and opportunity to make amends. If you are willing, I want opportunity to show you that I CAN keep my word."

Because him saying "time and patience love and trust" without him doing anything new is him asking you to stick around for more of same.

And you seem pretty bad mental health wise with the load you already have. How does adding more to the load help?

I love him, more than I've ever loved anyone, I want to give him what he needs and I want to make this work.

I am sorry you do not say "I love him, but I have to love ME most of all. I have to put my own health first. For me and for my dependent. If the cost of loving him and being around him is damaging my health? Then this relationship is not healthy and I don't want to pay that price."

You have already talked to him three times and he still keeps letting you down.

I think you could sit down and figure out where your limit of tolerance for all the shenanigans is.

I wish there was something else I could tell you. I see that you hurt. I am so sorry you deal in this. But it still has to be dealt with.

I cannot give you advice to turn your feelings off so you can stay in hot water longer. I suggest you think of ways to get yourself out of hot water instead.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for your replies :)

I missed out his side I guess, he did apologise, he claims misunderstanding in what we agreed and thought we could come back to the discussion. He didn't have the girls here, had simply messaged them asking if they were free to come before asking me if that was ok (which it wasn't and so he didn't, but I was sad enough he'd asked after my initial no)

He works very hard at our relationship. We had a break from poly for a month after this to give me some time to get my head together. It didnt really help when we returned to him seeing others again.

I totally understand why you would suggest fleeing to preserve my mental health, I've done this in other relationships, with my sons father for instance, but this relationship is too important, I love him too much to give up on him, he is in every way a good, well meaning, intelligent, big hearted human and my mental health would absolutely be worse if I walked away. I don't want to be without him and this is one part of an amazing relationship that I'm struggling with. I wanna work to mend this rather than just disposing. It's good, really good :)
 
Ok, if we give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was just a misunderstanding (I'll reserve my doubts), there's still the issue that it's negatively impacting your mental health. Unfortunately, loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work. Sometimes the circumstances or differences in lifestyle are just not conducive to a healthy relationship.

The one suggestion that I have is to find a poly-friendly therapist and attend some individual counseling.
 
It sounds like he doesn't quite get how one has to behave when they are an adult living in the house where a child is being raised.
 
I guess I haven't made myself clear.

Love isn't all our relationship has. My partner is wonderful and caring and every other area is perfect. I'm an adult that has been in many relationships, including a marriage and I know when something works and when it doesn't and when something is worth fighting for and when it's not.

I'm here for advice on how to deal with the poly side of our lives which I'm finding difficult. Trust has been broken and repair is successfully being worked on.

It's my jealousy and unwillingness to accept the exposition partner that I specifically need help building the tools to deal with.

I hope this makes it clearer, I know the heart of a message can be lost when there's so much waffle surrounding it ;)
 
I don't see the problem as your jealousy and unwillingness, I see it as *his* disrespect toward you and *his* unwillingness to consider your feelings and stay within agreed-on boundaries.

Someone being better than your previous partners doesn't mean they're a *good* partner for you. Just that they're better than the previous ones.

The only way to counteract the jealousy is for HIM to stop doing and saying things with/to other women that hurt and upset you. Jealousy is a mutated form of fear, and your fear in this case is entirely justified by his past behavior.
 
See the thing is, it doesn't sound like he is exactly handling it very well. If I have this right, he was okay with bringing back a little known woman whilst your son is at home. I am not a biological parent though I have been the partner of a parent and I would never dream of doing something like that whilst the kids were on my watch. So, I cannot help you find a way to be okay with him ignoring a "no" and pushing for it anyway.

The same goes for making it obvious that he is scoping out other people whilst out with his family unit. I don't think that is the right thing to do. Of course, attractive people catch your eye, but there is a time and a place for giving them the "eye", and out with your stepson isn't the time.

I don't know how to advise you to not feel negatively about him being with other people whilst all this is going on because I, a seasoned poly vet, would feel that way about reasonable aspects of polyamory if I had a partner like that. I have been there. This isn't just a simple case of you having cold feet. This is about a partner who doesn't seem to acknowledge or respect boundaries and the consequences of that on their partner(s).
 
I'm sorry that you're struggling. I don't think that you're jealous, I think you're in pain. I sense a lot of anxiety, insecurity, and a lack of self confidence in your posts. No wonder you're having such a hard time! It really sucks to try to think clearly through all that noise.

It is really striking, I think, that you worry about why he's with you when he can date models. The flip side is: he could be dating models, but he wants to date you. He chooses to be with you. You have something he hasn't found elsewhere, and doesn't want to find elsewhere. You're valuable to him, or he wouldn't be with you. Depression really gets in the way of recognizing those things, though.

You should decide what you need to feel more secure and valued, and communicate these things to him. But most importantly, you should take some time to work on yourself. Have you considered therapy? I'm recognizing a lot of depressed thoughts in your writing. A good therapist, one who is sex positive and can help you learn cognitive behavioral techniques to deal with you negative self talk and doom spirals, might help more than you'd think.

As one of my favorite celebrities says, if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?

You also seem to be really down on yourself about your feelings. It's silly to beat yourself up for having feelings. You might want to be perfect at poly, but there may just be some things that are going to trigger you and that you aren't able to handle right now. And that's okay. You're trying to work toward a better place, and he's trying to work on them with you. It's okay to experience feelings. Being upset you have them, instead of accepting that you have them and are trying to work on them, is just another example of depressed thinking patterns.

As far as things you could do on your own, right now, my husband Guitarist used to really struggle with depression and some low self esteem issues. One of the things that helped Guitarist was that I wrote him a list of all the things I love about him. I wanted him to be able to look at it when he's feeling insecure, and fight the negative self talk demons that want him to believe he isn't enough X to my Y. He's A-W when I don't need X anyway. And in the absence of compelling evidence to the contrary, believe him when he says what he loves about you.

Also, maybe you should meet the people he's dating. I was half terrified by Purr's existence before I met her. It's a lot easier to fear the things you don't know. If you meet his girlfriends (if they want to meet you), you might find out that they aren't nearly as frightening or threatening as the girlfriends you've invented for him in your head.

Above all, keep telling him where you're comfortable and where you're not. It sounds like he has done some things that hurt you, that maybe neither of you expected would hurt you as much as they did. As long as he doesn't keep doing those things, or starts going behind your back, it sounds to me like he really does care about you. But if he starts being deliberately deceptive or hurtful, value yourself enough to leave the relationship.

I think the first thing to do is decide what you need to feel loved, special, and secure, and communicate to him that you need that. If he loves you, he wants to work with you to help you be comfortable as much as you wish you were comfortable.

Hope that helps!
 
I am not suggesting you dump him and flee right now. I see that you want things to work out. So I encourage you to move on to problem solving rather than on trying to numb your feelings.

1. OBTAIN WILLINGNESS

I want to give him what he needs and I want to make this work.

I am saying to check if he wants the same. Obtain willingness/consent. Does he want to give you what you need? Does he want to do his share to help make this work?

If he wants the same thing, that's fine. You are both on board.

2. MAKE A PLAN

I am also suggesting you might not want to spend the next 75 years "working on it" when you haven't not even articulated what it is you guys are supposed to be working ON.

I am suggesting you spend some time figuring out what your limit of tolerance is.

  • Figure out how much you are and are not willing to put up with.
  • Figure out what needs to change.
  • Figure out the plan to change it.
  • Figure out how long this will take.
  • Then execute.

Something like

"We agree we want to work this out. These are the deal breakers. Not putting up with that:

  • ?

These are flexible things:

  • ?

We are going to try for 6 mos, then check in on these areas of concern that have to change: A, B, C.

A: The stuff he has to do.
  • Ask me first, not last, if I am ok with him having guests when he is babysitting.


B: The stuff I have to do



C: The stuff we have to do together
  • ?

If those are all met or at least 85% resolved in 6 mos, then we will try again for another 6 mos to get them wrapped up. That is measurable and there's enough progress to date to show it really IS moving along. Not just same old song, different day."​

That's just an example. You can fill out the actual details of your plan on your own.

3. ASSESSMENT

When the time comes to assess?

If he's not holding up his end of it? If you are not holding up your end of it? Be willing to let it go. Whether that means letting go of your expectations for change and you accept each other how you are or letting of go of the entire the relationship -- that you figure out at that point in time.

But it all starts with you figuring out what you are and are not up for and checking that he's on the same page and willing to pull his weight. You cannot stay the same -- it's eroding your mental health. You also cannot do it all alone.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you everyone for your replies, everyone is completely useful and I'm grateful x


I'm sorry that you're struggling. I don't think that you're jealous, I think you're in pain. I sense a lot of anxiety, insecurity, and a lack of self confidence in your posts. No wonder you're having such a hard time! It really sucks to try to think clearly through all that noise.

It's both, I think I was already struggling with jealousy and this has pushed it over the edge and has become about distrust. I hate that I blame her though. She's blameless, I know, but everything bad that's happening now is linked to her for me.

It is really striking, I think, that you worry about why he's with you when he can date models. The flip side is: he could be dating models, but he wants to date you. He chooses to be with you. You have something he hasn't found elsewhere, and doesn't want to find elsewhere. You're valuable to him, or he wouldn't be with you. Depression really gets in the way of recognizing those things, though.

I get this, I really do, I tell myself always, but the dark side of me just keeps feeling like poly means he's sleeping with the hot girls, living with the interesting one and still shopping till he finds the one that's both. I KNOW people don't really work this way and he is absolutely not like this, I know that and past relationships stand to prove it. But rational and depression don't go hand in hand :D

You should decide what you need to feel more secure and valued, and communicate these things to him. But most importantly, you should take some time to work on yourself. Have you considered therapy? I'm recognizing a lot of depressed thoughts in your writing. A good therapist, one who is sex positive and can help you learn cognitive behavioral techniques to deal with you negative self talk and doom spirals, might help more than you'd think.

We are working really hard together but one of the main problems is that I don't know what I need or what will make things better. We took a break and while nothing poly was happening I got better, after about a month my partner started to feel sad and miss doing the things he's done his whole adult life, he felt restricted and I don't want to restrict him as a person, or change who he is because then we're changing him over me and this has to be compromise instead, y'know.
Counselling is something that would help, but we're financially not in a position and the waiting list for the NHS (I'm in the UK) means I probably wouldn't be offered it as my problems aren't life threatening.

As one of my favorite celebrities says, if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?

You also seem to be really down on yourself about your feelings. It's silly to beat yourself up for having feelings. You might want to be perfect at poly, but there may just be some things that are going to trigger you and that you aren't able to handle right now. And that's okay. You're trying to work toward a better place, and he's trying to work on them with you. It's okay to experience feelings. Being upset you have them, instead of accepting that you have them and are trying to work on them, is just another example of depressed thinking patterns.

Thank you :) but how do you know the difference between legitimate feelings or not? I know my head confuses things like jealousy by making excuses and it's hard to know what's what.

As far as things you could do on your own, right now, my husband Guitarist used to really struggle with depression and some low self esteem issues. One of the things that helped Guitarist was that I wrote him a list of all the things I love about him. I wanted him to be able to look at it when he's feeling insecure, and fight the negative self talk demons that want him to believe he isn't enough X to my Y. He's A-W when I don't need X anyway. And in the absence of compelling evidence to the contrary, believe him when he says what he loves about you.

I love this it's a beautiful thing <3 I actually keep a list on my phone of all the beautiful things he says and does to refer to when I'm low to remind me. It's really quite long :)

Also, maybe you should meet the people he's dating. I was half terrified by Purr's existence before I met her. It's a lot easier to fear the things you don't know. If you meet his girlfriends (if they want to meet you), you might find out that they aren't nearly as frightening or threatening as the girlfriends you've invented for him in your head.

But what if she's not? I know what she looks like, that's hard enough. She'll be really nice and I'll remember that every time I'm not nice to be around. Plus, I already feel (irrationally) that he's given parts of me away to her. My orgasms. Some of my fantasies that he's coincidently carried out with her. And now I just think of that all the time. What if I make that worse? I now already hate her. I really wish I'd met her early in.

Above all, keep telling him where you're comfortable and where you're not. It sounds like he has done some things that hurt you, that maybe neither of you expected would hurt you as much as they did. As long as he doesn't keep doing those things, or starts going behind your back, it sounds to me like he really does care about you. But if he starts being deliberately deceptive or hurtful, value yourself enough to leave the relationship.

Yes, all of this, thank you x

I think the first thing to do is decide what you need to feel loved, special, and secure, and communicate to him that you need that. If he loves you, he wants to work with you to help you be comfortable as much as you wish you were comfortable.

Hope that helps!

I am, we are and we will continue to do so..... Now more so with the tools I'm finding here.

It has helped. Thank you xxxx
 
*All* feelings are legitimate. If you have a feeling, you have a feeling.

The *thoughts* that accompany those feelings might not be legitimate, though. For example, jealousy is a feeling. Therefore it is legitimate and valid.

But "He's going to fall in love with a model and leave me" is a thought. It's one that you intellectually know is not likely to be true. Therefore, it is not legitimate.

The trick with feelings vs. thoughts, especially if you have depression, which I know WAY too much about, believe me, is to say to yourself something like, "I'm feeling jealous. It's okay for me to feel that way." (acknowledging what you feel and reminding yourself that the feeling is legitimate and valid). "Why am I feeling jealous? Oh, Man has a date with that cute girl, and I'm afraid he might leave me for her. I know that won't happen, though, so I'm going to choose to stop thinking about that happening, and think about something more positive instead. Like chocolate." (identifying the thoughts *behind* the feelings, reminding yourself that they *aren't* valid, and giving yourself another course of action instead of dwelling on those negative thoughts.)

Sometimes, you might even need to shut yourself in the bathroom and say that out loud to your reflection in the mirror to get through the depression thoughts that are yelling in your brain. But it can help. At least, it helps me when I'm able to catch myself early enough in the depressive spiral. Fortunately, when I don't catch it early enough, Hubby's learned the spiel and walks me through it because he knows if I'm too far into the spiral, I can't always change my thoughts without external help.

But the most important thing to remember... be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, and VALIDATE yourself. You feel how you feel. You have a right to feel that way. Emotions happen, and we can't always control them. But we CAN control what we think, do, and say as a result of those emotions, and sometimes remembering that we have that control helps too.
 
I spent some time Thursday trying to help my husband through some feelings of insecurity. He kept apologizing for his feelings, which I don't believe anyone should do. This was my post to Facebook. He is not on there & none of my friends will understand the message but perhaps it may help you.

"I don't think people should apologize for how they feel. Your feelings are valid to you regardless of whether or not someone else agrees. Own them, process them, embrace them. Folks, embrace the feelings of your loved one's. Acknowledge their happiness or pain. Lift them up or cheer them on. This life is short. Love one another & be kind."
 
You might as well put yourself on the wait list for NHS. It might take them a while (it took my bipolar ex a wait of two years to get on public mental health service in the US) but it will be probably be completely worth it in the end (I say based on his experience with that). Other things you might consider are support groups for people with depression, if your area is large enough to have that kind of thing. Sometimes just listening to other people talk about their problems and how they resolved them, even if you're not the kind to share a lot in public, can help.

... but how do you know the difference between legitimate feelings or not? I know my head confuses things like jealousy by making excuses and it's hard to know what's what.

Pretty much everything KC43 said. All of your feelings are legitimate feelings. But you have to examine those feelings to figure out why you're having them, and then determine if the thoughts behind them are backed up by evidence (or are the product of depression). You have to ask yourself 'why why why' and answer to yourself honestly. And then you have to look at the final 'why.' For instance--the jealousy feeling, backed up by the thought his other girlfriends are hotter than me and he will leave me for them--and ask yourself if the evidence backs up that he would leave you for them. You have to replace the negative self-talk with logic and positive self-talk.

And it can be very hard. Harder than it sounds. You can't half-ass it or you'll start obsessing over the whys. You have to take it all the way to logic and positive self-talk, and you have to do it over and over until you can yank yourself out of your doom spirals more or less reliably. But it really helps.

I love this it's a beautiful thing <3 I actually keep a list on my phone of all the beautiful things he says and does to refer to when I'm low to remind me. It's really quite long :)

There's your evidence you can use to help combat those doom spirals ;)

But what if she's not? I know what she looks like, that's hard enough. She'll be really nice and I'll remember that every time I'm not nice to be around. Plus, I already feel (irrationally) that he's given parts of me away to her. My orgasms. Some of my fantasies that he's coincidently carried out with her. And now I just think of that all the time. What if I make that worse? I now already hate her. I really wish I'd met her early in.

If she's absolutely every bit as wonderful and amazing and better than you that you fear she is, then at least you would know that instead of worrying about it. My bet is that she's not. But even if she is, at least you'd have some closure. You could stop doing the 'what if' and start doing the 'what now.'
 
Hi Harggy,

I don't have much to contribute, I just wanted to give you a little encouragement and let you know I think you're already doing the things you need to do. It's just a process that takes time (often much longer than we'd like it to!). Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sorry, I missed this, this is a really good blue print for me to work from, thank you for taking the time to spell it out for me :) he really is working hard on our relationship and has (and offered to) compromise himself in many ways for my comfort. But ultimately, while I can tell him what I am and not happy with (if I know) the only person I'm in control of changing is me. While poly is a large issue in our lives, it's a small part of our relationship. Everything else is amazing, he fulfills my needs, makes me feel good as a person and makes me feel loved and accepted. Sadly it is me that counteracts these things, and like we all know, depression isn't rational or easily controlled, and since I have very little experience to know if my thoughts and emotional responses are how I really feel or because of my emotional drop, it's difficult to know what I need and if they will pass. We do constantly talk about how things are though. We very much are talkers.

I think my problem at the moment is that I'd like to ask him to stop seeing this particular partner because I attach so much negativity to her. However, rationally I know she's not really a threat to me and that the negative attachments are all just because of my own head space. That if I can let go of these and can stop my head from tormenting me then it'd ptobably be fine. But it's unrelenting, little things like when I drive places where I know they've met, and I'll wonder where and how. When we're being intimate I find myself wondering what they do together? If she's better at some things and then always that she orgasms for him and I don't. And you know, when you can't switch these constant thoughts off, they eat at you, at your everything. And I know they took over because I allowed them to when things were difficult and my partner broke my trust, But he (and we) worked hard to repair things, but the thoughts are still here. I am going to continue shutting them down using the advice given here.... But actually doing so isn't quite as easy, and I lack the ability to be positive that it will work (I'm also impatient so find it hard to think on long term achievements).

Also, I'm monogamous to him. I haven't always been, I was seeing a girl for a while, but it didn't feel right and so I finished it. I just want to be with him and the idea of being with others (at least without him) doesn't appeal to me at all. He suggests that this might make it harder for me.

When I think of things that might help, I feel like I'm being unfair. I feel like I would be more comfortable if he was seeing someone who was also in a long term relationship, or if we found someone we dated together. But these things would be hard to find and are asking him to give up existing relationships. Which isn't fair (or rational of me) and this is why I feel like I need to deal with my own jealousies instead.

I am not suggesting you dump him and flee right now. I see that you want things to work out. So I encourage you to move on to problem solving rather than on trying to numb your feelings.

1. OBTAIN WILLINGNESS



I am saying to check if he wants the same. Obtain willingness/consent. Does he want to give you what you need? Does he want to do his share to help make this work?

If he wants the same thing, that's fine. You are both on board.

2. MAKE A PLAN

I am also suggesting you might not want to spend the next 75 years "working on it" when you haven't not even articulated what it is you guys are supposed to be working ON.

I am suggesting you spend some time figuring out what your limit of tolerance is.

  • Figure out how much you are and are not willing to put up with.
  • Figure out what needs to change.
  • Figure out the plan to change it.
  • Figure out how long this will take.
  • Then execute.

Something like

"We agree we want to work this out. These are the deal breakers. Not putting up with that:

  • ?

These are flexible things:

  • ?

We are going to try for 6 mos, then check in on these areas of concern that have to change: A, B, C.

A: The stuff he has to do.
  • Ask me first, not last, if I am ok with him having guests when he is babysitting.


B: The stuff I have to do



C: The stuff we have to do together
  • ?

If those are all met or at least 85% resolved in 6 mos, then we will try again for another 6 mos to get them wrapped up. That is measurable and there's enough progress to date to show it really IS moving along. Not just same old song, different day."​

That's just an example. You can fill out the actual details of your plan on your own.

3. ASSESSMENT

When the time comes to assess?

If he's not holding up his end of it? If you are not holding up your end of it? Be willing to let it go. Whether that means letting go of your expectations for change and you accept each other how you are or letting of go of the entire the relationship -- that you figure out at that point in time.

But it all starts with you figuring out what you are and are not up for and checking that he's on the same page and willing to pull his weight. You cannot stay the same -- it's eroding your mental health. You also cannot do it all alone.

Galagirl
 
Hello! Lots going on but I think it gets down to a few important points.

*He's a parent now. Priorities change. He has to think in regards to what is safe and comfortable for your son.
*Expectations that he be present when spending time with you and your son is not unreasonable.
*Communication! Be sure you are voicing specifically what you need from him. He likewise needs to do the same. Hopefully this leaves little to misunderstand.
*Make sure you aren't the only one doing the work. He has to work on his relationship with you just as much as any other relationship(s) he may have.

Good luck!
 
Sigh... I'm going to suggest there is more sketchiness to your bf than you might think. It is setting off alarm bells, red flags for me, similarities to my last long term bf.

He seemed like such a great guy the first year. We lived 20 miles apart and he came to spend one overnight a week with me, and it was always great. He was married, but after 30 years together, their sex had become extremely infrequent. The sex we had was amazing! Powerful! Intense. And a bit kinky. We also went on fun dates, hiking, dancing, museums, flea market rambles. We seemed to have so much in common. It was romantic. He was tall and handsome and smart and interesting. He helped me with home maintenance jobs. He met my gf and they got along. I felt like I had found a "real boyfriend."

I also have a long term relationship with my gf. A year after I met bf (and 3 yrs after I met her, and we commuted 20 miles to see each other every weekend), she and I decided to get a house together. We were encouraged by my bf (who was also her friend, and even occasional sex partner), to move near him. This worked out for us, and we did.

No sooner did we move to be near him, than he started dating other women. And his new relationships were constantly in my face. No, they weren't models, but there was a constant revolving door, and I heard about each one, her looks, her preferences, how he flirted and sexed them in similar ways to how he did me.

Finally he started dating a married MF couple who were new to poly. That couple had jealousies between them, fighting over him, and I realized by his own words, that he enjoyed being in the middle of their pain.

With help here, especially from Gala Girl, I came to realized his good qualities were mostly all an act, and he probably had Don Juan Narcissistic personality disorder, or psychopathology. He was "triangulating" me, my gf (who was sensitive to it and had backed off of sex and cuddling with him), his 2 married partners, all with him in the middle, pulling the strings, and being above it all. His own wife was just in the background, doing her own thing. She'd probably just given up.

He used to laugh at me when I was in emotional distress. I once told him it was all so complicated, and he chuckled benignly and said, "I like complicated." Then I realized 2 gfs he had simultaneously before we met, were good friends, and also struggled with jealousy of each other when he was dating them.

I finally saw the pattern! And realized my increasing depression wasn't coming from a sort of failure in myself to be "cool enough," it was coming from the puppet master narcissist, who was just going on juggling his wife, me, my gf, the string of new women he attempted to reel in, and now this vulnerable jealous married newly poly couple. He had no real compassion for any of us. We were all just "narcissistic supply" to him. All this time, he also flirted online a lot, when he wasn't with one (or two) of us, and acted inappropriately sexual in public situations.

I looked up a lot of info about Don Juan Narcissism after I dumped him. They take good kind caring people (normal people like you and me), mirror their normal feelings and actions, and they seem so great! But it's all an act until they have fully hooked you (like getting a place together). They then get bored, and start fooling around in baldly selfish ways (inviting a stranger over to YOUR shared home, with your child in it, the very day you moved in together! Appalling). I also question why he dates "models" exclusively, almost as if he is throwing it in your face how he can hook the prettiest girls in the world, who are single and child free (maybe younger?) and you are just averagely attractive and a mother to boot.

My ex bf also had long conversations with me about "fixing" things, but they always went in circles and we never really got anywhere. It was obvious the night I dumped him that he hadn't ever really heard a thing I was saying.

I could be totally off base here, but just wanted to put it out there. I was in denial for a year and a half until it all just got to be too much. I dumped him after 2 1/2 years together.
 
Wow that sounds hard. I'm so sorry you went through this.

I can see why from the outside it would seem like there are similarities, but really, there's not. I think I'm just really bad at explaining myself, especially when I want to get all my hurt out and it leaves the story very one sided.

He's currently (and has previously) dating models mostly because this is who he has access to through work. He would most likely be seeing more and varied women except that the times he's around people that he could get to know and have a chance of hoping up with, I'm there and he knows it makes me uncomfortable and so doesn't. In the past this wasn't always the case. His past relationship was also a model but an alt one and so she wasn't the stereotypical skinny tiny young girl and as such I felt far less threatened by her (except that she wasn't a nice person and made everything difficult).

To clarify regarding inviting a girl to the house.... She didn't COME to the house, because I said no, my partner would only have had someone there if I had said yes, he broached the conversation with the other two girls to access their availability before approaching.... This still isn't ok with me, but in his words he didn't want to raise a difficult conversation only to find out no one could come anyway. (Still not ok, but not purposefully manipulative or deceptive)

I know all these bad things I've shared make him sound like a real douche, but honestly, I could write an equally long post about how wonderful he is and wax lyrical forever about the good points in our relationship. He's an amazing man that's working hard for our relationship. He has even said that he would go monogamous before allowing this relationship to end, but I can't ask that of him, it's too much a part of who he is and I don't want to change the man I love in to something he's not. I want to deal with my insecurities and make what we have work. And if I wasn't 100% sold on this relationship I absolutely wouldn't be investing so much effort in it. So, trust me, he's definitely one of the good ones, he's just been a dick and made some stupid mistakes, and so have I xxxxx

Sigh... I'm going to suggest there is more sketchiness to your bf than you might think. It is setting off alarm bells, red flags for me, similarities to my last long term bf.

He seemed like such a great guy the first year. We lived 20 miles apart and he came to spend one overnight a week with me, and it was always great. He was married, but after 30 years together, their sex had become extremely infrequent. The sex we had was amazing! Powerful! Intense. And a bit kinky. We also went on fun dates, hiking, dancing, museums, flea market rambles. We seemed to have so much in common. It was romantic. He was tall and handsome and smart and interesting. He helped me with home maintenance jobs. He met my gf and they got along. I felt like I had found a "real boyfriend."

I also have a long term relationship with my gf. A year after I met bf (and 3 yrs after I met her, and we commuted 20 miles to see each other every weekend), she and I decided to get a house together. We were encouraged by my bf (who was also her friend, and even occasional sex partner), to move near him. This worked out for us, and we did.

No sooner did we move to be near him, than he started dating other women. And his new relationships were constantly in my face. No, they weren't models, but there was a constant revolving door, and I heard about each one, her looks, her preferences, how he flirted and sexed them in similar ways to how he did me.

Finally he started dating a married MF couple who were new to poly. That couple had jealousies between them, fighting over him, and I realized by his own words, that he enjoyed being in the middle of their pain.

With help here, especially from Gala Girl, I came to realized his good qualities were mostly all an act, and he probably had Don Juan Narcissistic personality disorder, or psychopathology. He was "triangulating" me, my gf (who was sensitive to it and had backed off of sex and cuddling with him), his 2 married partners, all with him in the middle, pulling the strings, and being above it all. His own wife was just in the background, doing her own thing. She'd probably just given up.

He used to laugh at me when I was in emotional distress. I once told him it was all so complicated, and he chuckled benignly and said, "I like complicated." Then I realized 2 gfs he had simultaneously before we met, were good friends, and also struggled with jealousy of each other when he was dating them.

I finally saw the pattern! And realized my increasing depression wasn't coming from a sort of failure in myself to be "cool enough," it was coming from the puppet master narcissist, who was just going on juggling his wife, me, my gf, the string of new women he attempted to reel in, and now this vulnerable jealous married newly poly couple. He had no real compassion for any of us. We were all just "narcissistic supply" to him. All this time, he also flirted online a lot, when he wasn't with one (or two) of us, and acted inappropriately sexual in public situations.

I looked up a lot of info about Don Juan Narcissism after I dumped him. They take good kind caring people (normal people like you and me), mirror their normal feelings and actions, and they seem so great! But it's all an act until they have fully hooked you (like getting a place together). They then get bored, and start fooling around in baldly selfish ways (inviting a stranger over to YOUR shared home, with your child in it, the very day you moved in together! Appalling). I also question why he dates "models" exclusively, almost as if he is throwing it in your face how he can hook the prettiest girls in the world, who are single and child free (maybe younger?) and you are just averagely attractive and a mother to boot.

My ex bf also had long conversations with me about "fixing" things, but they always went in circles and we never really got anywhere. It was obvious the night I dumped him that he hadn't ever really heard a thing I was saying.

I could be totally off base here, but just wanted to put it out there. I was in denial for a year and a half until it all just got to be too much. I dumped him after 2 1/2 years together.
 
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