First Date Night

ForEverTheirs

New member
Me and my Husband and our Girlfriend are wanting to have our very first date night. Sadly we are all clueless on what to do that all three of us would enjoy together that wouldn't leave out one of us. If anyone has any ideas please feel free to send them my way.
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
Dinner, cooking
Broadway, comedy show, ball game
Museum, aquarium, zoo
Painting and cocktail class
Horseback riding, hiking, skiing
Trivia, board games, karaoke
Bowling, mini golf, bumper boats, kart racing
Rafting trip, canoes, traveling, tours, exploring, walking

Options are endless…. You can think about avoiding activities that will split people into pairs like:

Theme park rides
Some sports activities
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
If you don't know yourselves, a bunch of internet strangers are not likely to hit the nail on the head for date ideas. In every possible scenario there's the chance that someone will feel left out at some point during the date. How they perceive that moment (as deliberate malice from the other two vs the other two being swept up in having a good time in the moment) and how they manage that moment (have a meltdown vs advocating for their own needs, or just taking a chill pill for a minute) are what makes a date experience that would normally work for two, work for three. Anything at all.

Example, ice/roller skating.
Two can skate pretty well, One not so much. Two spend time helping One get their balance, everyone together, having fun. In due course, One has a rest and Two go have a smooth, fast skate together. One could look on in envy or One could look on in joy. That's really up to how One is self regulating. If One knows ahead of time that one would find that emotionally confronting, One could say, "no, not skating," or One could do the work to grow out of their old comfort zone and embrace that triad dating sometimes means that Two have a moment together within that date. On a different date, who is One and who are Two could shift given the activity. Next up, 10 pin bowling. Different Two are good, One isn't. Does One sook like a child or look for the fun in the evening regardless of score?

Or maybe plan ahead so that each person takes turns in choosing the activities of that date and the other two do that regardless, and self regulate accordingly. One plans the date for Two rather than Three planning together. If can be nice to be "taken out" rather than being part of the planning process and if One is doing the planning rather than Two, that helps mitigate a sense of couples privilege. Sure, the activity might not necessarily be one that everyone is absolutely smitten with up front, but Two may get to learn something about One or about themselves as individuals. Gallery visit date? One plans, Another discovers there is a type of art they actually really click with. Third person is more keen on the dinner later. Cool, just don't sulk when One and Another have a bonding moment over some art.

Hardest of all, do something that no-one has done before. Still can't plan for every possibility that someone feels something hard. Dealing with hard feelings is part of relationships, poly or mono.

Triad dating requires maturity and self management skills, and sometimes, to develop those skills, one must be put in a position to use them.

So pick any activity at all and make it work for Three, fully expecting that there are likely to be moments of Two/One during the date.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Is the issue that you want to do something together, but not risk "outting" yourselves as poly? So you need ideas for at home dates?

If you feel pressured or nervous, how about getting coffee and an errand date like getting grocery? Then make a meal together at home? A movie? The first date doesn't have to be super fancy or huge. Just maybe some quiet, discreet practice being out in the world as a triad?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello ForEverTheirs,

In my V, when the three of us go out together, it is usually for dinner at a restaurant. Once in a while we go on a road trip. We even go see a movie at a theater, but that's something we haven't done in quite a while.

Good luck and have fun,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
My husband, our girlfriend and I want to have our very first date night. Sadly, we are all clueless on what to do that all three of us would enjoy together that wouldn't leave out one of us. If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to send them my way.
Despite the "forever theirs" name, it sound like you and Hubs might be new to polyamory, if you feel "clueless" about what to do on a date without someone feeling left out/jealous/envious. It also sounds like you and Husband haven't even met this woman yet. How is it she is already your (shared) "girlfriend"? In chat, has she seemed totally into both of you equally, and are you both very into her?

A first date is really a tentative interview. Maybe just do something low-key like dinner, to be able to talk as much as possible and make sure there is chemistry between you and her, and between her and Husband. You and Husband are not a borg, one unit that appears as two. You are individuals. What if she and Hubs hit it off great, but you feel "meh" about her? You don't both need to date the same woman. Most polyamorist couples date independently. Then there is never a third wheel syndrome.

Or maybe you met her at a sex club and already know there is chemistry and so now you're having your first official date as three. Is there a chance you might do public displays of affection? Would anyone you know see you and Husband out with another woman being romantic together, someone who might be into malicious gossip? Then you'd probably want to go on a date in another area.

I'd just do dinner and worry about someone feeling left out later, when you really know there is going to be a second date.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Just make sure you pick a restaurant with round tables.
Or a 4 seater square table or at a counter/bar with the dating prospect in the middle.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
Or a 4 seater square table or at a counter/bar with the dating prospect in the middle.
I thought of that, but that isn't perfectly symmetrical. All the angles have to be 60° so no one feels left out of any shared appetizers.
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
Are people generally so sensitive?

My first date with Daisy and Bird was at a brewery and we sat at a two person square table and I pulled a third chair from somewhere else and sat in the middle. After that we went to a bar and I think Bird and Daisy sat next to each other and I next to Daisy.

Generally speaking if there is a situation where I can anticipate someone feeling left out I try to volunteer that burden for myself. Or go a little out of my way to focus on the person who is in the most uncomfortable position Esp. If feel like I am in the more secure position in a given situation. At restaurants, I could see avoiding booths. But even then…. I think it’s more about the vibe tbh.

If the date is successful and the three of you start having more activities together a level of maturity about this issue is going to be necessary. It is impossible to have a contingency plan for every situation and shit happens.

If it is necessary to break-out a protractor in order to ensure everyone is comfortable at the dinner table maybe that is an indication of a larger compatibility issue that should not be ignored…
 
Last edited:

MeeraReed

Well-known member
I need a little more info. What do you mean by "first" date night? The first time all three of you are going out in public as an official, romantic triad?

I assume since you call her your girlfriend that you have already spent a lot of time together and established a triad relationship? You are just looking for a fun date activity all three of you can do together?

For triads, we (the people on this forum) usually remind new members to remember that a triad relationship isn't just 3 people all together all the time. It's really three individual dyad dynamics: Husband + Wife, Husband + Girlfriend, and Wife + Girlfriend, as well as the dynamic of all three of you together at once.

In an established relationship, you will probably want to make sure that each of the above dyads get to go out on their 2-person date nights to connect one-on-one, as well as dates for all three of you together.

Instead of being upset about one of you being left out, everyone should take turns "being left out" so that the other two can connect.
 
Top