First time poly...

B

BabyBlue

New member
Hello A/all.

I'm not sure how to start this and I'm a bit nervous..I am having a hard time finding support forums or groups, so giving this a try. I ask that no one be judgmental or rude, please.

(I am single and never married, starting a relationship with a married couple, this is my FIRST real life poly)

About 4 years ago I met a girl online. Over the years I grew feelings for her and just over the past year, I had fallen in love with her. She is married and just a few months ago she had asked her husband to get to know me and see if he would be okay with making me their GF. He and I have gotten close and I am falling in love with him too. We as a family are wanting to live together (they want me to move in with them, their in another state) and take this new poly relationship to the next level. :)

However, I have strong fears. I have talked to my GF about some of them and certain things she has said, makes me want to hit the pause button. :( She has an issue with the me and Him having sex together (He has cheated on her once, so I understand if it steams from that, though she says she has no worries with me or jealousy). She has gone as far as to put limitations on it or guidelines on it. One moment she tells me "if i'm not home and its just you and him, had you both needed or wanted sex, I am fine with, I'm not there to see or hear it.." then later on when the topic is renewed at a later time, she says "I don't know how I would feel about you and him having sex... if we played together first, then I would feel better about it...". First, (I am Bi-curious) I have never been with a woman before, so she is my first time, she knows this and she even said she wont push me (she has also said, she is in no rush for me to be sexual with her, for me to let it happen on my time and my pace), but placing limitations on feelings/needs from Him (sexually), is making me wonder if it is a push to be with her first. (NOT saying I need to have sex with Him, but we are all human and we ALL have needs, feelings build up and sometimes things can happen when you don't intend them to.)


Recently she has asked me about where I see things going, we both agreed on things going well and the 3 of us being long term. However, she brought up marriage and the fact that I may want to find someone and get married (I told her I don't see myself getting married to anyone. Its something I can live without. When I think of my future I see me with them.) I took this okay at the time, but putting more thought into, it has me thinking that she will get bored of me and want this to end..

I feel as if I am playing with fire and to be honest, I don't need another burn in my love life. I love both of them deeply and can't imagine not having them both in my life.

Is there warning signs or red flags, I should look out for as I go forward?

Should I go through with moving in with them?

Has anyone else run into issues like these, how did you cope?
 
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It sounds like you've not yet met these people face to face. Why on earth would you consider going straight from an online relationship to a live-in arrangement in one jump. I think it would be wise to maybe go visit them for a long holiday (2-3 weeks) and see how that goes. I know that you have strong feelings for them both, but that doesn't mean you'll all make a happy cohabiting triad right off the bat.

With regards to her making noises about controlling your interactions with your partner/her husband, I would be tempted to take it as an amber flag. It's a sign that she still has fears and anxieties to iron out, but you should recognise that until you've all had an opportunity to actually do any of the things that potentially trigger her fears, there's no way for her to actually know what brain weasels will manifest or not. It could be that when the time comes, she (with the support of you and him) that she handles the situation just fine. It could be that she's not ready at all. Neither you nor she will know that now, so I'd say proceed with caution (but optimism). But please don't pack up your life and move across the country to be with these people until you've spent some proper time with them and know you're compatible. Too many people seem to charge right in, when actually if something is worth having it's worth taking the time to cultivate properly.
 
First, thank you for answering.

Yeah, we are planning a visit time at the end of this month and another one next month (with hopes of meeting both of their families, I have talked to her mom before through skype countless times.. her family is into BDSM, but His isn't.) Both visits being 1 - 2 weeks long, maybe longer.

If the 3 of us are OK with things, then there would be a possible move after. I am in no rush to move.
 
My best advice would be to spend time with her and Him each one on one, and with them as a couple. You say you're going to be visiting them, which is good. People online--even via Skype--are not always who they turn out to be in person. (I'm not talking about "catfishes"... I mean someone who's only interacting online might act very differently when you meet them in person.)

Her going back and forth about the idea of you having sex with Him isn't necessarily a flag of any color, though as tenK said it could be a slow-down signal. She's talking about a hypothetical situation right now. It's impossible for any of us to predict how we're going to feel about something until it actually happens.

As for the questions at the end of your first post:

The only red flag I see is that you're considering moving in with a couple you haven't spent any time with in person yet. However, if your instincts are telling you there are problems and concerns... LISTEN.

You shouldn't consider anything at all until you've met them and spent time with them.

I haven't run into a situation like this; I met Hubby and S2 online, but they live in the same general area as me, so I met them in person within a couple of weeks of beginning to talk online.
 
I understand you've spoken to these people quite a bit online, phone and Skype. But given the fact that you have not ever even met in real life, I say, slow down. Moving in, closing the triad--honestly, that shouldn't even be on your radar yet.

Some here will argue with me, but I've said it before and I'll say it again: I really do not believe you can get to know someone fully through media alone. Currently, you have no idea how these people smell, how your pheromones and theirs will respond to each other. You've never seen how they treat the server in a restaurant, or handle being caught in traffic. You don't know what their touch feels like, how they kiss. So far, all you've seen is a representative of the person--it's easy to hide the bad stuff when you aren't spending any real life time together. IMO you need a lot more real-life interactions before you get so serious.

Red flags for me: You are "bicurious." What if you have sex with the woman and aren't that into it? Think she'll want you to focus on her husband sexually throughout the relationship? What if one of them gets jealous? Will they toss you aside to save the existing male-female couple? Also, don't be so quick to agree to put aside any chance at dating outside the triad. Exclusivity must be earned.

Go spend a week with these people. Then see where you're at. Promise nothing.
 
I agree

You can get super close to someone through social media, emails, etc. But when you get around them, see how they are, how they live, how they interact with you/other people, etc...your mind could change faster than the flap of a butterfly's wings. I agree that there's no need to go quickly into anything...the best relationships don't start out that way anyway.

If I were you I'd try just meeting up first for a meet and greet, that could lead to a nice "let's get to know each other for real" chat, and maybe a date or two shortly thereafter, depending on yalls chemistry. and you also wanna remember that a couple is a whole 'nother dynamic than in comparison to just meeting a guy or girl...you'll definitely want to make sure them as individuals and as a couple, flows along good with your energy as well.

Best of luck...but I say nothin' wrong with taking it slow :)
 
IMHO: Nix the moving in together idea until you have spent 1-2 years physically spending time with them. IF you move, have a job lined up and your own place lined up - do not re-locate and move in with them all in one fell swoop.

Red Flag - talking about moving in together when no one has met in real life - Slow the fuck down.
 
SNeacail said:
IMHO: Nix the moving in together idea until you have spent 1-2 years physically spending time with them. IF you move, have a job lined up and your own place lined up - do not re-locate and move in with them all in one fell swoop.

Red Flag - talking about moving in together when no one has met in real life - Slow the fuck down.
Click to expand...

*nods*
 
Just an update...

Things are going slow. We have done allot of skype randomly during the day so I can see how they interact with each other. I've seen and heard the good and the not so good times between them, but everything is still loving and good at the end of the day. I have my guard up a bit for when I visit in a week, looking out for any flags or warnings that this could not work, but also not letting myself look to far into every small detail and scare myself from giving it a chance (sometimes when handling something new, I will over analyze things).

This visit will last a week, maybe two if my comfort level is good with them both. There is talk about possible longer stays when I feel comfortable, if we can all get along and 'mesh' as a 3 person relationship. (This is dependent on how this visit and a few others go)

I have a strong bond with R (wife) as we have known each other for many years online. We have been there emotionally for each other when times have been hard. We consider each other sister naturally and have strong feelings for one another, we both would do anything for the other (best way to sum us up is yin and yang, one completes the other). We're very like minded and hardly ever fight with one another. We have a deep love for each other that is unconditional.

I do not have the same bond with C (husband), there are feelings and He draws out my submissive nature ALLOT (which is hard to do, as I have been hurt allot in the past by men/Dom, so I naturally put up walls). He fills in the gaps of the relationship that R cant. But I am worried that while we have allot of things in common and share the same interests, that it may not be enough. Hopefully, I will feel a bit more confident about my feelings for C once I'm there in person and maybe that spark will happen?

I'm taking my time and not rushing into too much with them. Even though I feel 100% comfortable with R, I'm not going to let that blind me from my feelings about C, as I need to feel the same way with Him for any of this to work out.

Since visiting them takes me out of my normal surroundings, they have planned the activities for the 3 of us as a group and one on one. R will be meeting me half way, on the way there. This is because I feel the most comfortable with her and there would be no added stress. Once there we have some plans for halloween fun! (Such as pumpkin craving and a haunted house or two!) C works during the day, so this gives me and R one on one time to hang out alone. At some point there will be alone time with C aswell.

Precautions: I have set up a "rescue me" plan in case things don't go as well and I need to go home early (a family member is being given contact info before heading down). Also, have a trusted friend's family there for support.


Any thing I should be cautious about?
 
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Stay in your own hotel. Gives you time off from them and them you. Remember people on "guest mode" are not the real them.

Don't be in a rush to move in with them. If you do move, live in your own apartment for a good long while first. That is change enough -- closing the distance to date more often in person. Should it go sour, the last thing you need is to be at risk for homelessness or stuck having to live with your exes.

Have you read about living together?

I hope you trip goes well. You seem to be thinking it out with trip precautions. Good for you!

Galagirl
 
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Hi BabyBlue,

I agree with the others, you should not move straight into their house, but should rather acquire a place (and job) of your own so you can live in the area independently and just date them at first. This is my advice even if you go on trips to visit them first (which you're already planning to do -- kudos). It's important to be gradual and cautious. People can be full of surprises, and incompatibilities can hide themselves well.

If dating them goes well, then try some overnights at their house, then weekend sleepovers at their house, then stay a week or two at a time ... gradually stay at their place more and your place less until you feel confident enough to sell your place and move in with them. But start out with a place (and ride) of your own, even if it's just a little studio apartment.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Recap, things didn't go as I would have hoped. They have some problems that need to be fixed or repaired before thinking of or bringing in someone else. So, we are remaining close friends. I've decided to look at other options, meeting like minded people closer to home and seeing what else is out there.

Edit: Does anyone know of some good and SAFE groups in the Maryland area, to make new friends that are in the lifestyle? Both online and offline.
 
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There are a couple of good groups in the Glen Burnie/Baltimore area on FetLife. Star's Playground and I forget the exact name of the other but lots of people in Star's Playground are also in it - BBW maybe? Also, Fireside Manor.
 
I'm in Maryland too. I suggest Bmore Poly on meetup.com as one starting place. There are monthly poly discussion groups that helped me immensely both for advice and meeting new people when I started out 3 years ago.

If you are kinky, there are a number of poly focused Maryland groups on Fetlife that also have munches, discussion groups and so on. Star's Playground is a fine suggestion. I cannot personally recommend Fireside Manor.

There are no utterly safe groups or gatherings or events. None. Violations can happen at any group. There are groups and events I trust more than others but even with those, I could have my limits ignored, I could be abused. I am aware of this when I play/go out. Expecting groups or leaders to keep one safe can be a dangerous expectation. The good ones will do all they can to keep folks well - the bad ones use that belief to lure in victims.

I'm sorry you had a difficult first experience.

If you would like more information on my take on area groups and events, please feel free to PM.
 
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