Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love


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Your kittens are adorable. I fostered two kittens last spring. It was so much fun! I hope to do it again next year when Jade is away at college.

Love your leggings and your new hair :)


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I am currently on the couch, avoiding the kitten room because it needs cleaning. I spent yesterday as an overnight with SirGawain, so I know it is probably a nightmare in there. Imma get to it soon, but right now I don't even wanna think about it!

Oh SirGawain...what am I to do with this guy? It's a positive relationship, for sure. I like him lots and he's an interesting person. He's so rough around the edges though! His house continues to be a disaster, though he is working on it. Today I spent over an hour pitching stuff out of his pantry. Mostly all of his food was expired, but for some reason this is the norm with every single guy I have ever dated. He's managed to maintain the cleaning we have done previously, so that's good.

Last night we finished watching the rest of the first season of Stranger Things. Yay! I seriously forgot how much I loved the show. I can't wait til the next one when it drops this month! Anyway, we watched the show til like 1 am and then had great sex. He told me that he can't believe I have so much stamina, and that my multi-orgasmic self has missed my calling for porn. This made me feel a little weird. Every single guy I've dated makes this same comment at some point. Fuck, I don't find it much of a compliment. As always, I find it a downer, since my expectation is that eventually my sexual appetite will become an annoyance.

However, right now things are ok. He asked me if there was anything I wanted to do that we weren't already doing, and honestly, I don't feel a lack of anything. We have yet to incorporate toys into the mix but I am not missing them at the moment. I did tell him I continue to be concerned that him being switchy will eventually be a drag on his psyche, but he was clear in telling me that has not yet been the case and that he likes the dynamic. He says he struggles with the idea out of the bedroom - he doesn't ever want to be a douchebag Dom type in his day to day life, but he's never once expressed anything remotely like that when with me. He definitely treats me as an equal outside of the sheets.

I do wish he'd shave his head, but I am not going to be obnoxious about it. Apparently his long term girlfriend has also told him he needs to do that, but he is resistant. He'd look soooo much better if he would just embrace the idea and get rid of his thinned out mop! Though, I guess he doesn't have much incentive since he's managed to snag the two of us in spite of it. Lol

We had dinner out at a Peruvian place in Frederick last night, and then took a stroll and got milkshakes while out walking. We had a really good talk about all sorts of life-centered topics, and we got on the subject of saying "I love you." I told him about how DarkKnight didn't say it for a couple of months, and even avoided singing it in songs! And of course, how WarMan said it almost immediately and then proceeded to lovebomb me insanely. I have avoided saying it so far to SirGawain, because honestly, I am not sure how I feel. To me, it's an escalation, and isn't this relationship supposed to be secondary? We've been dating for what, a month and a half? It also makes me anxious, because all I see when I think of saying it is how WarMan treated me with anything BUT love. It's just empty words when someone says they feel it but then their actions are garbage. I DO believe that WarMan loved me. I certainly loved him. But he was functionally unable to channel that into any sort of action, though he said many times he wanted things out of our relationship. Sigh. The idea of having to get entangled into a mess of feelings again is a little frightening, to tell the truth.

But then again, SirGawain is not WarMan. I do care about his well being, and his person. I say I love you to all of my friends, and I certainly feel stronger toward him than some of them. It's strange. I haven't had the huge NRE rush. I mean, I am definitely feeling some NRE, but it's been less so - mostly because of my approach toward this relationship. Also, yes, because of WarMan. I never want to feel that terrible ever again. Thinking about letting someone in that close - gah! Yeah, we have a long way to go.

So, in summation, I think I do love SirGawain, but it's different. It's not the strong, steady love I have for DarkKnight, or the all-encompassing insane love like I have for PunkRockAwesomesauce. It's like, a quiet growing ball of happiness, that I am letting sit in the corner and gradually layer larger, if that makes sense. I want it to be healthy, and good, and so far I feel it is such. For a poly sort of love, and how he currently fits into my life, it feels appropriate.

He said it to me quickly, and casually when I left his place today, following a kiss goodbye. I didn't remark on it, because it was done so fast - it could have been a mistake on his part. But maybe not.

I'm still mulling it over.


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I spent most of the day high AF, with PunkRock taking me to and from my dental appointment, and then to and from my oil change appointment. The car dealership tried telling me that my drive belt was cracked and that it was going to cost like $450 to fix it. I told them I had just bought this vehicle, and they looked at their records and said if I’d pay $90 for the part, they’d waive the labor. So that is now scheduled for Friday morning. I am home at the moment, waiting for a friend to come over and bring some cat litter - we are almost out. Thank goodness for donations! DarkKnight and I are supposed to go play Betrayal at Baldur’s Gate around 6, which is a new game I just got, because our weekly D&D game was cancelled.

Tomorrow I have to transport 5 kittens to the vet to be spayed - all of our little girls. Then I get to lead two Chemistry labs and quizzes. We have our friend coming over to play Mansions of Madness in the evening - definitely a full day planned.

I am exhausted. I have a huge gap in my mouth, as the bonded retainer has been removed, as well as the crown and post part of my implant. I need to call tomorrow morning for a time to get back in to have them put a fake tooth in my current retainer - I get to wear that 24/7 now until my Invisalign braces come in at the end of November.


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I have yet to get back into the dentist for the fake tooth in the retainer thing. I am walking around looking like a Pirate with this gap in my mouth. Sigh. The bad thing about the retainer is that I have four sets, and the one I had been using had been cut in half - the orthodontist didn’t want it putting pressure and causing issues with the implant. So I switched over to the uncut retainer and HOLY FUCKING SHIT the pain was indescribable. I took 3 Advil and then 3 tylenol the first night and it hardly edged it. Second night was just 3 tylenol. Next it hurt but I didn’t take any meds. So it is getting better. To say that there had been some shifting was an understatement! Just thinking about that pain hurts me! So anyway, I haven’t called to get the fake tooth put in because I really don’t want to go, to be honest, but also, I wanted to work through the pain a little bit. I am going to call tomorrow morning though.

I didn’t see SirGawain all week due to my crazy busy schedule. We had an overnight last night and had really amazing sex Sunday and this morning. I have come to realize that I don’t really need the daddy-daughter dialogue as much as I do the restraint aspect - he pins me down a bit with his body and I bliss out. I am enjoying figuring out how I tick. :)

I have a lot more to write but DarkKnight just called me to dinner.
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Awake at 4 am because I fell asleep last night around 8 pm. Yesterday was emotionally exhausting. The house diagonally across from us caught fire and two of our neighbors died. Their two dogs did as well. We didn’t know these people, but it still hit way too close for comfort. I spent most of the day outside, talking with other neighbors and reading about fire safety.

The word on the street is that it was an electric heater that started the fire, but that hasn’t been confirmed. The victims were an elderly mother and her 40 year old son. The younger son, in his 30s, was at his overnight job and found out after the fact. Our other neighbor heard screaming and glass breaking at 3:30 am, and then went outside to check what was going on (he thought it was a domestic dispute which woke him up) only to see flames. He said between the time he called and hung up the phone, the house was fully engulfed and there was nothing he could do.

The house is a complete blackened shell and the car in the driveway is melted. Our road was shut down the entire day, so my classes were canceled and PunkRock stayed home from work. The good that came out of this is that we finally were able to speak at length with our neighbors on our right - an elderly couple.

We’ve said hi a few times but never got to discuss some concerns with them. They showed us where the property boundary line was between our houses (we own more than we thought!) and they are ok with us cutting down some of their tree branches that are touching our house. (Legally we can cut them whether they are ok with it or not, but it’s great to not be dicks.) They actually have a free standing ladder we can borrow so PunkRock can do this.

The guy is in a scooter chair and I have been wanting to see if we could help them out with things but didn’t want to seem rude or overbearing, but he was really excited when I asked if he would mind if we helped out with mowing his lawn. He said that would be extremely helpful because he can’t do it at all, and his wife is frail and can’t really do it effectively either. Both of things are apparent - they do have kids our age who come and do it, but it’s like once every three weeks because they live a few hours away, and the lawn looks rough in between mows. It’s really a tiny patch of green - their front yard is super small, compared to ours. So, anyway, my son is now going to mow theirs when he does ours each week. Honestly, it won’t even take 10 minutes, and it will improve our street immensely.

The wife talked at me at length about the previous home owners and she said her and the lady never got along and so she let the flower bed between the houses get neglected, just to spite her. I think this is probably true, but I think she probably also is becoming overwhelmed with things too - her husband has cancer, and apparently he had a different sort and beat that but now there’s a new kind that was just discovered. So she has a lot going on.

Anyway, she told me to please take over the bed and do whatever I want with it. I am so happy about this because it is truly overgrown with knee high weeds! She told me if I wanted, we could cover it up and put our trash cans there - which I am now thinking of doing. The space between our properties is like 7 feet? and our part is a sidewalk leading back behind our house and a strip of grass - their part is the flower bed, so we have our grill and trash cans all in a line on the cement against the house, so we have to use the grass to walk around the house. Being able to move almost everything into the flower bed would be great, especially since it’s just a mess right now. That said, I am obviously not going to spend money improving their property - I am going to put down a tarp for a month to kill the weeds, then install some landscape fabric and cover it with rocks. That will give me a base to put the cans there, and it’ll be maintenance free for the most part. It’ll cost less than $100, and if they move/sell/whatever, it won’t be so much that I would be resentful. In the meantime, it’ll solve an issue for us and free up some space, until we can purchase a shed of our own, which will cost a lot more than $100.

Oh, get this - they have 6 cats, just like us! LMAO There are two strays that they feed and care for as well. Actually, that was my initial question to them, if they owned the two skinny cats. The plan we have is to trap them come springtime and get them fixed and then bring them back and release them. The neighbor has little winter houses she built for them and is really concerned about them - I guess they have lived as strays here for like 9 years! She says they are truly feral and she can’t ever approach them, but she cares about them. So, I am going to deal with that when I can in the Spring.

Later in the day, the lady approached me again and said that they have a new snowblower that they are unable to use effectively. She asked if either of my husbands would be willing to snowblow for them, and that we could use it as well. Honestly, I believe my guys were already planning on shoveling out their driveway, so yeah, using a snowblower would be much easier! PunkRock was sitting with me and he said absolutely. So we will talk to them more about it when winter gets closer.


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Second entry because it’s 4:30 and I am still awake. Lol

Update on my foster kittens! They all were fixed last Thursday and Friday, and almost all of them received their rabies shots then as well. I advertised them on a local Facebook group, and four of them were adopted on Friday night. We took three to the shelter event at PetSmart on Saturday, and all of them found homes. So right now we have three kittens left, but those three were already spoken for - 2 were supposed to go home yesterday but due to the fire, they will be picked up on Thursday instead. The last is Dobby, the black kitten, and my friend in NY is taking her. PunkRock and I are driving her northward on Saturday.

It’s going to be a quick trip because we can’t afford to stay overnight. We’re going to leave around 5 am so we can get to Long Island by 11 am. Then we’ll drop off the kitten, and head to Montauk. We’ve had some discussion about this, because we had initially planned to go into Manhattan for the day, but honestly, both PunkRock and I have done the touristy thing before - and I just did it again with DarkKnight last October! - so we decided to do something different. There’s a lighthouse at Montauk, and a rocky beach, so we are going to have a picnic lunch there, do some sightseeing (it’s now the off season, so it shouldn’t be too crowded) and then drive home along the coast, stopping where we’d like to see sights. I think it’ll be fun. :)

Today I hope to run some errands - I need to go to the bank and make my car payment, and pick up some spray paint. I made an impulse buy last week of some wrought iron patio furniture and right now it’s this crazy blue color. I need to paint it black. I figure I will get some new cushions for it all next Spring. Anyway, it’s four chairs and a table, and someone had it out for $25. I kinda HAD to buy it because we have zero outdoor furniture right now! So yeah, there’s no rain scheduled for a few days, so I want to get this painting done, even if it’s a little chilly outside today. My son is supposed to be coming over to do his laundry and mow the lawn, and then I have a Skype Chem lesson with one of my students in the afternoon. I also need to grade quizzes for my class.

I’ve been doing some work on our State of the Union plans, but it seems that DarkKnight may be going out of town for work all next week, so we may not have the meeting until November! That is crazy late for us but we really don’t have the time this week, and so am still playing with numbers anyway.

I need to color my hair but I think that may not happen til Friday. I am thinking that after class tomorrow I am going over to SirGawain’s. I am struggling a little bit with our relationship. Last week he seemed sort of distant and he is now going through some depression over his job prospects. Sound familiar? I told him straight up that my relationship with WarMan struggled because he never talked to me about his issues and refused to check into maybe adjusting his meds when he was having a ton of stressful issues all at once. I told him that I was willing to do a number of things, but I was not going to be ok with him minimizing his problems and not being proactive. I have zero desire to experience that sort of hell again. I asked him if we needed to step back and put a hold on our relationship while he dealt with things, but he said no. So far I am ok, but if he starts being neurotic and treating me terribly, I am gone. The thought of it has me on the defensive. I feel like this is where my personal boundary has to be - I will not suffer emotionally like I did with WarMan, ever again. That said, the only red flag on behavior was him suddenly not messaging me as much, which is something I can handle ok. Good news about SirGawain though - he seems to be making ok strides with his house and keeping things that we already straightened up looking ok. So his depression isn’t affecting that.

Fuck - 5 am?! I am going to post this and then go upstairs and start printing my Chemistry quizzes. I guess it’s awake time now.


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Yesterday, the only kitten left in our cat room was Dobby, and she goes home tomorrow. So...when I received an emergency message about a kitten with a broken leg, I was like, yep, yep, yep! And we now have a new resident named Queen. :)

Queen is 6 months old and so very sweet! The shelter gave us a kennel to use to keep her confined, and after one night she seems to be doing okay. Her appetite is great, and she’s drinking lots of water too. Dobby and her have spent some time doing little baby hisses back and forth, but they are both clearly interested in each other. It’s silly and cute.

The person who surrendered her is interested in taking her back when she is all healed up, so I am going to encourage attachment as at that point Queen will be 8 months and that is an age which is much harder to find a placement for. This person is coming over next Friday to visit with her. I am hoping the interest continues for sure!

So yeah, yesterday was stacked full. I woke up at ass o’clock and had to prep for both my Chem class and the adoptions of Harry & Ginny. Both went really well, thank goodness. I was able to get my classes caught up - we did Tuesday’s lecture and today’s lab back-to-back, and I emailed the quiz home. I had to send out a message letting parents know that next Wednesday is my major dental surgery, and as such I will probably be canceling Thursday’s class. So this coming Tuesday will be another crammed up class but I don’t have much of a choice.

Last night we ordered in pizza and our Pandemic Legacy friend and SirGawain came over and we all played Mansions of Madness (both my hubbies too). It was a good time, even though we lost. I have no idea when I will be seeing SirGawain again because of all the busy days. He has a job interview today and I hope it is a positive experience for him!

I am freaking out a little bit because there is so much going on right now and I can’t keep up with all the gaming I want to do! The new Pandemic Legacy came out and I have a preorder on hold at our game store downtown, but I don’t have the $80 to go snag it out, because I have to get this trip to NY out of the way this weekend first. I will probably pick it up next Wednesday, at D&D.

PunkRock sent me a link this morning to a new WarMachine skirmish game called Company of Iron. He has a starter box coming soon so I REALLY need to get on the ball with unpacking my army and get my stuff set up for painting. PunkRock has a paint station set up in his studio, but it’s all temporary until we spend the $500 to get the custom tables built. (PunkRock and DarkKnight’s cousin are going to build them, so this is just materials cost.) That is in the budget for Spring at this point. Which is fine for PunkRock, but that leaves me with no space for painting, other than the game room which currently doubles as my classroom and laundry space so I have no where to spread out there and leave things. I have my jewelry making stuff in there now too, and it really is too much. There is a space that has 4-5 boxes that have yet to be unpacked, so if I find time to get those dealt with, I might be able to organize the area more efficiently and get things set up and usable til next year. We will see!

PunkRock is also in the process of selling some of his StarWars X-Wing game and he’s asking for gift cards to the game shop so he can put it toward buying some Mansions of Madness Expansions. I am super excited about that, though we still do have one 4-hour DLC we haven’t attempted yet, and the 6-hour episode as well. Plus, I have personally done the Escape from Innsmouth one four times now, and have yet to win it. Lol But having an expansion gives us access to new scenarios so I am pumped up for that.

I need to go grocery shopping today, full stop. We are running out of everything! No chai for me this morning because we have no almond milk, or even regular milk. Gah! I am trying to get every stitch of laundry done today before I go to NY - I helped DarkKnight with his yesterday and today is PunkRock’s and mine. Towels are done and my dryer just made its happy little song to tell me it has finished again.

Oh! I did receive my new November leggings yesterday from the “free leggings for a year” contest I won. They are gorgeous! I also took possession of a dark gray Sarah, which is LuLaRoe’s long sweater/cardigan. The consultant let me apply December’s free leggings value ($25) to the cost of the this, so I pretty much had to get it. When I set up my Stylebook app previously, a dark gray sweater was like the single thing I had listed as a MUST buy, because my other one had holes in it. So that is sorted now. I should be all set for winter as far as clothing goes. I need to take a look at DarkKnight and PunkRock’s wardrobe soon - though I did just get DarkKnight a new pair of jeans, and PunkRock a new pair of cargo pants. I really don’t know what is needed for winter though, for the two of them.

Today I also bought my first Christmas gifts! I had a $10 rewards card that was expiring next week, from Christopher & Banks. I went to their online clearance section and found these adorable tree ornaments that are little sweaters. I got one for each of my daughter’s for their ornament gifts this year, and with shipping to my house, I only had to pay $2.12. Pretty sweet!
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I haven’t updated in a while - so much going on! I’m going to save and edit this entry as I go along because I am distracted this morning and I might have to stop and start

PunkRock and I took a road trip last weekend up to Long Island, to take little Dobby to her new home. I was able to meet a longtime online friend that I have known for over a decade, and it turns out that she is going to be an amazing mom to my sweetest foster kitten! After dropping off the kitty, PunkRock and I drove to the tip of Long Island and spent the day in Montauk.

It was an absolutely gorgeous Fall day, and I really enjoyed the time spent with my husband. We stopped at a couple of little places along the way to the lighthouse, and walked along two beaches - one sandy, and the other rocky. The views were amazing. One really neat experience was that the sandy beach was almost completely deserted, except for us and a woman playing bagpipes! How cool is that?

The drive home was less than stellar though - we ran into traffic and it took us much, much longer than anticipated. However, I don’t think it spoiled the trip, and it was a nice little getaway.

While we were gone, our broken leg foster kitten had to go spend a couple of days away to reset her cast - she pulled off her covering, so she had to be sedated and have everything reset. DarkKnight took care of things with her, thank goodness. Poor baby girl!

Oh, I don’t have any photos, but the reason PunkRock and I took this trip without DarkKnight was because DarkKnight had a Halloween party he had been invited to and he had previously committed to attending. I know I would have had fun going with him, but it just so happened that the kitten delivery had to happen on the same date. Anyway, DarkKnight rocked his gypsy costume and had a blast, surprisingly. :) Apparently the party was off the hook, with two live bands and lots of amamzing decorations - including a haunted maze!

So, upon returning, PunkRock and I spent some time prepping, getting the kitten room ready for the new residents. He got the floor and wall trim up, though he ran out of caulk halfway through. Other than that minor detail (which we have the caulk now -just have to get it completed) things look great now, and the litter box closet is much more functional now. I have a shelf to store carriers - which was desperately needed! - and the floor now has a lip to help contain litter.

The pic doesn’t show all of our carriers - we actually own 6. :)

We removed the taller cat tree, as the previous occupants of the room completely shredded the carpet coating, so it is now in my game room, awaiting recovering. A friend has donated 100 feet of sisal rope, so it is now just a matter of finding some time to remove the carpet bits and rewrap the tree. I felt it wasn’t safe in the condition it had been reduced to - there were bits and pieces of little rug fibers everywhere! Actually, one of my goals today is to finish pulling off the carpet.

I hung up the cat photos and did some rearranging too. The most important thing was though, sanitizing and cleaning the entire space. I added in a second set of storage drawers, and a clear plastic tote to hold food. You can see a few more donations we’ve received in the photos - bedding, toys, etc.

We actually have received some other donations since I took these photos - a complete stranger saw my public post on Facebook, and sent us a $140 air purifier! Last night, PunkRock made space for it on the shelf and did some alterations to the light fixture inside of the closet. He removed the light globe and screwed in a new socket, so that there is an electrical outlet as well as a light up on the ceiling now. This allowed him to plug in the purifier upward, to keep the cord safe from the new kittens.
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No time! Anyway, DarkKnight left this past week for Lancaster - his job had him working on location. I didn’t have any time to miss him though, as I had my dental appointment to do the socket removal on my implant. Not only did the office give me some heavy duty drugs, but I got the gas too. The pain involved in this procedure was indescribable. Well, I guess I should say the pain afterward - during the surgery, I didn’t feel a thing! I now have a gaping hole in my mouth, and the last vestiges of the ill-fated implant are gone.

Wednesday I was high as a kite most of the evening, and PunkRock took good care of me. Things were crazy though because at ass o’clock, before my dental appointment, we had 7 of our foster kittens off to the vet to get fixed. Oh yes, did I mention that on Monday, I went to the shelter and brought home 15 babies? Added to our girl in the kennel, Queen, that made 16 new residents for our kitten condo! Even if that sounds excessive (which it totally fucking is), know that I left at least 15 cages full of babies behind. :( Anyway, I deliberately chose kittens listed as 10-12 weeks old, so I would have a quick turn around; 7 were both old enough and large enough to get fixed.

I had doubled up on teaching my Chem class on Tuesday, so my Thursday class was canceled ahead of time.

Thursday my daughter had off of work and she picked up the babies from the vet and I held off taking a pain med until we cleaned the room and got everyone settled. One of the babies (Barney) wasn’t doing too well, so my daughter took the kitten and all of the fixed kittens’ paperwork over to the shelter for me. Apparently, the clinic was able to fix Barney up, so she soon returned with both the original baby AND an additional kitten who needed placement. While I finally took a shower and got the rest of my day going, my daughter did some quick grocery shopping. She was a star for me!

After she left, SirGawain came over. The original plan was for me to spend the night at his place, but there was zero chance of that happening after I took my pain pill. They pretty much knock me unconscious! We snuggled up and I took a nap. Eventually, PunkRock came home from work and the three of us had a late supper of ordered-in pizza and wings. I didn’t eat much, but the guys decimated everything and then SirGawain went home. I felt bad that I didn’t go with him, and that none of my guys are getting sex while I am down and out. I was on my period, had dental surgery (no blow jobs) and the pain pills had me constipated and pretty much useless. They said I was being silly, but I felt disappointed in myself, if that makes sense.

It’s been well over a week since I’ve had an orgasm, and longer than that since I have sexed up any of my guys. Hopefully we can fix that soon!

Yesterday was a better day - I didn’t need to take any pain pills. I spent a great deal of time sleeping though, and then dealing with the kittens. It takes me at least 2 hours every morning, cleaning, feeding, checking things out, and the same in the evening, to make sure the babies are good. Yesterday I also had a family come over to visit with a kitten, and they are now signed up to take two next week.

Today will be a busy one. I am about to pop into the shower, and then do my morning kitten-care routine. Feeding, meds, etc. Then, I have 5 of them going to PetSmart for an adoption event - I have to stop my the shelter and grab their paperwork and then drop them off. I also have two kittens that are being adopted out of state - I am driving to Somerset, PA to help facilitate that. When I return (it’s a little under a 2 hour drive each way) I will need to go to PetSmart and retrieve the babies that weren’t adopted. (Hoping they all find homes!) I am then hosting the first game night for Pandemic Legacy season 2! I am so excited about this!!! But yeah, crazy day!


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DarkKnight went with me to adopt out the two kittens in PA - it’s always so great when I get to be one-on-one with either of my husbands. They’re such great people. My people. <3 Anyway, we also unloaded two other kittens at the PetSmart adoption event today, so 17-4=13 kitties left. There’s another big event Fri-Sat-Sun at 3 different locations, so I am hoping most will find homes then. I picked up spay/neuter vouchers for all the ones that need that completed, so I will call Monday to get them scheduled.

And then tonight...

The new season of Pandemic Legacy is amazeballs. We lost the prologue - just barely! - which is set up as a practice so as to teach the mechanics of the game. We won the first game though - early January. This game is awesomesauce and I am loving it already, just as much as season 1. If you haven’t played either, you’re screwing up your life and you need to turn things around! Holy crap people - this is THE best board game ever. Grab 3 people and get it going. You won’t regret it.

I was a little bummed that SirGawain isn’t a part of the get together, but the game is only 4 people, and our original Pandemic Legacy player wouldn’t miss it for the world, I don’t think! Everyone agreed that it’s just as good as Season 1, and yet so totally different. You start out on floating “havens” in the ocean, and we figured 71 years after the end of the world...corporations prolly owned the fuckers. So we named them Taco Bell (PunkRock was born there), Home Depot (other player’s hometown) and Tyrell Corp (DarkKnight & I hail from there). LMAO

So yeah, I am sure SirGawain would enjoy this lots. So I am a little bummed he isn’t playing, but really, it’s all good. Up to this point I have been happy with where our relationship is at. If anything, I wish his place was cleaner - I don’t feel entirely comfortable hanging out since there isn’t really a living room for me to lounge around in - it’s similar to WarMan’s old place in that if I want to sit anyplace, the bedroom is really the only option. I would rather do other things in the bedroom. Lol So, hopefully that gets sorted before the winter is through.

When I was driving in the car today, I had a wave of contentment wash over me. I am really happy with where my life is at and the direction it is moving in. I am loved, I like my house and I feel like I am making a difference and a positive impact on the world with my current teaching job and with the volunteer stuff with the cats. Everyone is reasonable healthy. I wish we had more money, but is there really anyone that doesn’t wish that? Anyway, I had a wave of contentment, which got me thinking about SirGawain, and then I was hit with a wave of NRE, which I haven’t had a ton of. So that was a nice squealy feeling to get in the middle of the day. I didn’t do anything with it, just let it wash over me, recognize it, and then moved on.I am seeing him tomorrow for a sleepover, and he might join DarkKnight and I to see the new Thor movie.


"It also makes me anxious, because all I see when I think of saying it is how WarMan treated me with anything BUT love. It's just empty words when someone says they feel it but then their actions are garbage. I DO believe that WarMan loved me. I certainly loved him. But he was functionally unable to channel that into any sort of action, though he said many times he wanted things out of our relationship. Sigh. The idea of having to get entangled into a mess of feelings again is a little frightening, to tell the truth.

But then again, SirGawain is not WarMan. I do care about his well being, and his person. I say I love you to all of my friends, and I certainly feel stronger toward him than some of them. It's strange. I haven't had the huge NRE rush. I mean, I am definitely feeling some NRE, but it's been less so - mostly because of my approach toward this relationship. Also, yes, because of WarMan. I never want to feel that terrible ever again. "

I'm sorry you feel this way. For what it's worth, I did love you very much, and still do in my own way. I tried to show you that, I'm sorry that I wasn't able to do it in a way that made you feel loved. I'm sorry that we didn't work out, I very much hoped we would. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I hope things continue to go well with you and SirGawain, and I still think about you fondly often, and wish nothing but the best for you.


Well-known member
I had a knee jerk reaction to delete your post, WarMan, but I always strive to be helpful with my journal, as well as open about my feelings. So, I’m going to respond.

When I saw your post, it generated anxiety for me all day long. I’ve started and stopped, written and erased words. Nothing seems right, so here is everything - my mixed up thoughts and jumbled beginnings. Crossed out, cut and paste - all of it I wanted to say, and none of it feels adequate. It’s not eloquent, because that is something I seem to have lost the ability to be, when you are involved.


The damage you did is still being felt. You can see that in what I wrote previously. I am not going to write words here to let you off the hook, if that was your hope.

I am full of anger, still. I don’t like having that inside of me. It’s often a wasted emotion. It’s a useless endeavor. It’s a poison that I don’t like feeling or experiencing. It reminds me that I still have work to do, so maybe that’s a positive??? Whatever.

That anger is a cover for raw hurt. It’s sadness and yearning for a love that will never, ever be again. Yet, when I see your words, I feel a hope rise up in me that things could be different, that we could try again.

In spite of everything, I am still susceptible to you.

I don’t feel safe when you write me.

You see, I also realized that the minute I read what you wrote, I was trying super hard to make what you did ok. And you know what, normalizing abuse is NOT okay. The fact that my first reaction is to struggle in my head to make it all just fine and not a big deal - that’s crazypants. To minimize abuse is not healthy.

So that’s where the anger is coming from. I am angry that in spite of everything, my first reaction is forgiveness, immediately followed with a desperation to regain what I lost.

This is probably not surprising to anyone that knows me. When I love, I’m all in, 100%. I can’t just shut that shit off like a switch. A year later, it’s still there. And, of fucking course, I would turn the negative feelings on myself, because that’s just who I am.

This is in spite of reading article after article on gaslighting and dysfunctional relationships. Besides making lists, attending therapy and doing exercises to recognize my own screwed up ways. In spite of re-reading the notes that I took, that clearly show that you would alter statements you made, that prove I was not going crazy. I mean, even the last messages we sent, AFTER we had split up, you were gaslighting me! I look at the proof that it was not all in my head - that this HAPPENED - and I allowed it to happen - and I STILL turn toward minimizing it.

It’s not okay.

To anyone that is not WarMan who is reading this, please use this article to help recognize gaslighting, and see if this is happening to you.

And to those of you that ARE WarMan and reading this, also click on that to read. There’s a link at the bottom of that page, that has another article - Are Gaslighters Aware of What They Do? - and read that too. The most important takeaway for me was the last bit:

If a gaslighter is not aware of their manipulative behavior, that does not make it acceptable—it is still pathological, and it is still their responsibility.

What you did was unacceptable. Apologies are hollow unless you’ve done something to fix it. I hope that you have gotten help so you have learned not to do this to those you care about. Because if you truly are sorry, and if you have stopped with that behavior, you would make an amazing partner for someone. I wish it was me. But it won’t be.

Friends don’t hurt each other the way you hurt me. Lovers, even less so.

I won’t minimize the way I feel about you by adding modifiers like “in my own way” or “fondly.” I do still love you, and it sucks. I love myself too, though, and that’s where my focus will continue to be for now.


Well-known member
Things have been crazy this week. Monday I spent part of the day with SirGawain, and then I went to Film League to see the movie, The Third Man, with PunkRock. Right before it started I received a text from my youngest, telling me to call her. Apparently she had tripped in her house and sprained her ankle. She was crying pretty hard, so I sent DarkKnight over to check on her and to take her cookies.

He told me she was ok after eating cookies but her foot looked swollen. I had told her to elevate it and ice it, and send me a picture. The next morning, I asked for another photo, and then immediately told her to make a doctor appointment.

Yeah, shit is broken. I spent yesterday evening after my Chemistry class, driving her around (it’s her right foot) and being there to give her emotional support. She is in a lot of pain, and since she lives up two flights of stairs, she’s currently now crashing at my house.

Crashing is the right word - within an hour of settling in, she was hopping down the hall to use the restroom and landed on a cat toy. She put her broken foot down to catch the fall, so now she is going to need a second set of X-rays today, because she smashed down hard to the ground on it.

Today I have to take her to pick up a doctor’s note for her missed work, and to deliver that and grab her pain medication. Hopefully she gets to see someone in orthopedics so we can get her in a boot or something. And yeah, new X-rays.

This morning I have 7-8 kittens to take to the vet to get spayed/neutered and tonight 4 others go to the shelter clinic for shots. My day is going to be full!


Well-known member
Wow, well, things took an unexpected downward spiral with my daughter today. Long story short, her broken foot is a severe LisFranc fracture, which is like, her foot broke horizontally in several places.Several of the toes are disjointed and she is having a CT scan either tomorrow or Friday, and the first of two surgeries next week. They are putting in a metal plate with some screws, and then in 3-4 months, the second surgery will be to remove that stuff. So, no driving and no walking. She can’t do stairs. She will never return to her apartment. She is moving back home and will be more than likely losing her job, as she can’t do anything there and is only parttime and not eligible for disability or unemployment or FMLA. She is devasted and has been an emotional wreck all day. They said don’t expect to return to walking normal until at least 8 months.

So, thankfully my kittens will be getting adopted this weekend. Hopefully. The cat with the broken leg will move to a new foster home soon. We have to get another storage unit for my little girl, clean and move everything without her assistance. Thankfully, SirGawain can help me go evaluate things tomorrow, and my son has Friday off. DarkKnight said her place is definitely already hoarded up quite a bit - he went over today to feed her cats and it was gross, apparently. So we are going to get it in clean condition before approaching her landlord about breaking the lease. I have no idea if in Maryland a medical excuse is a legal way to be able to get out of a lease. Either way, it doesn’t matter - she has to leave as there is no human way for her to even get to the apartment in her condition.
And without a job, she can’t afford it. I hope to be able to approach the landlord by Monday. I want everything moved out by Dec 1. Her pets will probably move this weekend.

OMG I am overwhelmed by everything that must be done.

I called my extended family in NY tonight, to share the news and to let them know that we are not coming to family Christmas in December. My daughter is at high risk for blood clots because she is on the Depo birth control shot, so long road travel is definitely out. Honestly, I am a little relieved because it was shaping up to be a shit show with my brother and my sister and the drug use. I can’t imagine going there without my daughter. The Christmas charity I am on the board for - I stepped down tonight. There’s just no way this year. I am both upset and relieved. It’s the best thing I do all year and I love it! However, it’s also super stressful and a ton of work. My daughter has been a gift shopper with me for at least 6 years and again, doing that without her would just seem wrong. But if I am not up there I can’t do it anyway. And even if I went without her, I don’t have time. We are going to focus on her.

My son is getting screwed right now though, because I was his ride up to see both his dad (my ex-husband) and his birth family. I told him I was willing to drive him halfway, if maybe his sister or his dad would come down to meet us. And I’d do the same to bring him home. So he is going to try to arrange that. I don’t have much hope, because his dad is an asshole. Seriously, I basically had to drop our son on his doorstep the last couple of years. We will see.

Since she will be unable to work or do much, my daughter is going to sign up for some online college courses. True story - she had already started the enrollment process for January, but for on campus classes, so at least she was already thinking of school before this happened.

So, I’ve got my to-do lists started but I am already overwhelmed with trying to remember everything we have to do. There are so many things! The orthopedic surgeon told us that this was a severe injury, and a complete economic crisis for most adults, and in her case, she is lucky that she can move back home and restart her life here. He said that a lot of adults would be losing their career, and at least hers is a starter job. And she still has her state insurance as well as her dad’s, because everything will be covered 100%, due to her adoptive status (she legally gets Medicaid until age 21 automatically because of being adopted as an older child). All of this is true, but it’s still pretty devastating. Her surgeon was weird and kind of Asperger-y but I liked him a lot. He was matter of fact about everything and I appreciated that.

I need some hugs. This is a big shift in plans for our household. No where near as huge as with my daughter, but it is all falling on me to handle. I will get it done though. I love my girl fiercely, and I just hope that the transition goes ok.


Well-known member
Oh, wow, Bluebird. ((Hugs)) That is devastating. Poor girl. I am glad that she's able to move back home...but I know that will be an adjustment for you and your guys as well. I'll send p&pt for your daughter's surgery and for a smooth adjustment for your family.


Active member
Warm hugs from here. That sounds overwhelming. And yet you find positive points to cling to. Stay awesome.


Staff member
So sorry about your daughter breaking her foot so severely! I'll keep you all in my thoughts.


Well-known member
My schedule has become almost completely unmanageable, and if you know me, I can handle a lot! So I am really saying something when I share that things are fucking insane. So many to do lists, all of them urgent. I actually have a list of lists that I need to make. I’m seriously out of time and the whole last week has been fog. I rush from one thing to the next thing to the next and then realize that I am out of phase with what should have been done and I have to backtrack. Thank fucking god for the people in my life, for helping me pick up slack when I am failing.

My son cleaned a huge portion of my injured daughter’s apartment yesterday. SitGawain ran errands with me the day before that, and used his man strength to catch her cats and carry boxes down to the car. DarkKnight drove 6 kittens to Chambersburg unexpectedly last night so they could potentially be adopted (1 did find a home) and PunkRock spent 2 hours applying Advantage, administering Pyrantel (a dewormer) and giving distemper shots to 11 cats, while I had families arriving at the house to take those babies home. Oh, and I had a bestie show up with two bags of cat litter and 2 bags of cat food which made me cry in the bathroom for a few minutes, because we were almost completely out of both and I had completely forgotten to pick any up.

There is tons more but things are hectic and I would have a breakdown, if only I could find the time to schedule it.

All of this on top of all my mixed up feelings about SirGawain, and I have zero idea when I will actually have time to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with him, or even another booty call.

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Fuck fuck fuck I have to go do paperwork. I have 6 kittens going to PetSmart here in Hagerstown today. Keep your fingers crossed they all get adopted. The goal right now is to have all kittens gone by Wednesday. The kitty with the broken leg is being transferred to another foster home then, along with the wee little one that isn’t big enough to be adopted. Hopefully the rest find homes before then. My daughter Ian on the couch until we can get the bedroom emptied!
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