Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Bluebird

Well-known member
I was texting PunkRock and he came home. We sat and had an okay conversation on the couch. We went through some of the movies and that was not a problem at all. We agreed to do a house walkthrough on Sunday night. I told him about his stepmom manufacturing drama and he said do not even let it bother me because he is well aware of her ability to make things crazy. I told him I would be happy to show him anything I have posted if he wanted. He didn’t want.

He said he wanted to clarify that he hadn’t actually stopped loving me - he said that in the heat of the moment and it wasn’t as intended. He asked if he could take that back and say what he felt instead. He said that it was a year ago when he realized he couldn’t stay with me forever. He said the love was still there, but his life wasn’t working for him. Because of everything else going on, he didn’t want to add to that stress by sharing his. I told him I could understand that a lot better, and not gonna lie - it made my mind quieter because I was really questioning about how this man that I loved so much could look at me and fake his feelings for a year. I am glad that is not actually the case. It makes me calmer. I take ownership of the fact that it would have been rough decoupling in the midst of all of the crazy last year, and I understand how hard that would have been for our entire family - and PunkRock.

I told him that I am still very bothered that he started dating HippieChick on a lie - to say that we were solid. I said it really is unethical and dishonest, and that just makes her an escape plan and a rebound. I am sure she would rather be starting a relationship with him based in truth and a clean break. He agreed but I suppose it doesn’t matter to me in the long run. It just made everything messier than it needed to be. That is 100% on him.

We also talked about the kids and how that was going. Honestly, this discussion made me very sad, but it also helped a great deal. I honestly see a time in the future where we might be friends. It is a long way out, because I always need a clear break and cool off period, but I don’t see why a year from now I couldn’t upvote his cat memes and painting projects. Until my heart heals and I can let all of the love exit though, I can’t keep a connection going. I need it to end quick.
 
Last edited:

Bluebird

Well-known member
After DarkKnight finished up work today, he had me get dressed and I was whisked off to an amazing date night at Arundel Mills Mall. He took me to my favorite restaurant there - the Cheesecake Factory - and then we hit up an Escape Room. We managed to win it, literally at the last minute! Afterward we shared a frozen lemonade in the food court, and then walked a lap together around the mall itself.

I am still really raw emotionally, but DarkKnight has always been my rock. The last few days, he’s proven he is still there for me, and it’s had a major impact - I am so very glad to have him in my life. He let me have some time to grieve, and then he dragged my ass out to recharge. I’m extroverted and being in the real world made tonight good for me. I mean, I looked like complete shit, but it was a much needed boost anyway.

Thanks everyone again, for reaching out and sending me healing vibes and positive comments. They absolutely have helped me.

The talk with PunkRock really helped as well though, and discussing that conversation later with DarkKnight was such a positive thing. Just learning that I didn’t imagine the love he had for me made a difference. Knowing that he was struggling with fitting in my poly world and feeling unhappy with his life moving forward, when coupled with his med change and drinking issues overwhelming him - I can understand why we didn’t work anymore. It still hurts horribly that he didn’t talk to me about this before it was too late, and that he used HippieChick as an escape plan, basically, but everything just seems to make sense in my mind now, when it didn’t previously. I wish he had spoken up a year ago, but talking about his emotions is something he has always had difficulty with. I mean, he does it, but he always stops at a certain point. And I do know that the depression and anxiety I was going through was not conducive to sharing. I’ve just been so empty, for so long. Together, it wasn’t working.

I know I still have a VERY hard and tough road ahead as I wait for my love for PunkRock to fade. I know it isn’t going to be easy for it to happen, but I am calm about the process. At least, I am, right at this moment. Certainly I will have more downs to navigate, and crying jags to experience. I still feel this huge, raw hole in my heart that I know will eventually heal, and I am not at all certain it will ever be filled by someone else so wonderful again. But, I have to say that I continue to look forward, make plans, and focus on me. Fuck it. I will choose to be happy.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Today was up and down. I spent most of it in Chambersburg with DarkKnight. We went to see his mom, as she is still in the hospital. She’s having surgery on Monday, to stop the internal bleeding. Last night she bled throughout the entire night, soaking her bed pads. Today they discovered where it was happening, and they did a surgery to clamp it off and get it stopped. However, they need to have a more involved surgery to actually solve the problem for good, and that is now scheduled now for Monday.

They have also discovered that there is a large amount of scar tissue built up around her heart. She keeps having events - where her pacemaker is trying to keep her alive, and she has some sort of internal shocker to keep things going, but the scar tissue isn’t allowing those devices to work. So if her surgery on Monday goes well, they will be transporting her after to Philadelphia, for another surgery, to remove some of that scar tissue.

I got to share with her that PunkRock and I had split, and she said, “I am so happy that you and DarkKnight now have a chance to get back and be normal now.” I sat up a little straighter, and DarkKnight said, “oh, mom, we will never be normal!” Once again, DarkKnight is my defender - he has never faltered with supporting me in who I am as a person. I told her that I hadn’t dated anyone in over a year, and that I didn’t plan to date anyone for at least another year, because my heart was hurting so much. However, I would be dating again. She didn’t say anything else about it after that

Later on this afternoon, DarkKnight and I drove to the cemetery in Saint Thomas to visit his dad’s grave. His birthday would have been tomorrow. :(

So, it hasn’t exactly been a great day. Those were both very kind of intense things.

We did enjoy spending time together, hitting some thrift shops - I had a murder mystery party scheduled for tomorrow, and I needed to pull together a costume. We ended up having to stop at Walmart to buy a pair of khaki pants. There was nothing that looked good at the thrift stores! I’m a wildlife photographer and my outfit is okay, I think. Lame though, because after I got home the host contacted me to reschedule the party for later in the month. I have to say I was more than a little relived, because I am exhausted.

While in Walmart, I cried when I saw a display of Oreos because PunkRock likes Oreos. FML. It was really dumb, but it hit me out of nowhere, I can tell you that. I just want to skip all this emotional nonsense and be okay again. I know it will happen, but the time between now and that point seems so distant.

One thing that was interesting today was seeing my Facebook memories pop up. Since it’s Leap Day, I hadn’t seen those memories in 4 years. Y’all, I was in Albuquerque with WarMan 4 years ago! That really gave me pause, because the photos were really nice, and I can say with zero hesitancy that I had no negative feelings with seeing them, other than an interest to take a look. If I can heal from the breakup I had with WarMan, I feel...hopeful(?) that I can heal from the pain I am feeling now. I feel in many ways though, that those relationships were so different, and ended in such disparate ways that I can’t be for sure though. With WarMan, it was rocky all near the end, and we were in therapy. Like, there wasn’t a surprise. It still took me a solid year to heal though. But we were only together for a year. PunkRock’s breakup was a sucker punch into my stomach out of absolutely nowhere, and it has me questioning everything, and examining every facet of my life. We were together for six years, and right now I feel a year to forget my love for him will be woefully inadequate. He was my person, my starshine, my world. Now I am nothing to him at all than an inconvenience.

Funny enough, BugGirl sat with me after I got home from Chambersburg today, and we had a long talk. She said in her opinion, PunkRock was already regretting his decision, and she feels like he broke up with me in an emotional moment, and that it probably would have gone much differently if he hadn’t visited HippieChick that night. I told her that was nice to say, but in reality it doesn’t matter - he DID dump me. I look at it this way, he made a choice. In the end, making the best decision for you, is the best decision for everybody. Even if that decision means I will now be rebuilding and repairing my soul for a very long time, I am respecting it. I feel confident he doesn’t want me back. I can’t afford to live in that world.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
One of the things I noticed today is that the two times I started weeping over my breakup were similar, in that they happened at times when I was tired. In Walmart, I really didn’t want to be there because we had been at thrift shops all day, failing to find what was needed, and then I tried on like 6 different clothing combinations. I was exhausted and just started weeping when I was triggered by the reminder that I wouldn’t have to worry about what PunkRock had for snacks anymore. The second time was just a few minutes ago, when I crawled into bed next to DarkKnight, cuddled up next to him and felt my eyes start leaking. “I’m so very tired,” I thought. “I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.”

I am going to really focus on achieving 8 hours of sleep, moving forward. If I can keep myself in a positive headspace longer, just by being well-rested and not overdoing things right now - sign me up!

I also wanted to note that I had sex with DarkKnight this morning. I was in the mood to smile and snuggle him, but not horny at all. However, he’s always known my body & what I need really well. It wasn’t the best ever, but it definitely improved my mood and made me feel connected.
 

fuchka

Active member
Bluebird, sending you warm thoughts. Such a horrible surprise :( we have so much trust that other people will speak up rather than put up with things... I can't imagine how disorienting everything is for you right now.

Re the Oreos, sometimes the surprise element gets me too. When I'm not expecting a grief trigger but suddenly there it is.

Good luck with getting enough sleep x
 
The same thing happened to me in a Newberry Comics a while back, when the Gremlin situation first entered radio silence - I started tearing up when I saw a Nightcrawler comic (I played him for her in a very nice kink RP that was one of our best intimate encounters), then I turned around to find a D&D Player's Handbook staring at me (we met through a game) and I started bawling.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Thank you for normalizing this for me - you have no idea how much that just helped me! Not only am I trying to deal with the grief, but then I start wondering - am I being over the top here? I *think* this is a normal thing, but maybe not. My love for PunkRock is still strong, as upsetting as this entire split is. It will take a while to try and move past things.

That said, I really do feel better, as a whole. My poops have firmed up, and my appetite is returning. I got exactly 8 hours of sleep last night! Lol I passed out at midnight after posting and I *just* woke up at 8 am. All I can say is that my mood has improved this morning.

I am reading articles about depression and how to get better from it without a therapist. Right now my copays would kill my budget, and there isn’t anyone at the practice I used to use that I trust. I am going to wait before searching out a new counselor. One thing my old therapist used to talk to me about is things I can do at home to improve my outlook - and a lot of them are things I am reading now - like the whole sleep thing. Some friends suggested melatonin, but honestly, falling asleep mostly isn’t an issue. When it’s time, I pass out pretty quick. I just need to put the phone down and do it! So that will be something I am making a priority. Sleep. So simple, but I think it will have an impact. And - true story - DarkKnight is an early-to-bed sort of guy anyway. I will absolutely have his support in this!

I actually made a checklist for improving depression, and over the next year, I am going to focus on each category. I want to take an art class, I want to get back on my diet & lose a few more pounds, and I want to improve connections with my friends and children. What’s crazy is that I was already working on so many of these things! That’s why this year was shaping up to be an improvement over last. I have to be 100% up front about this - I am determined to make last year the worst year of my life. Meaning, up to this month, it absolutely was, with all of the terrible things that were going on. There is a strong possibility that splitting with PunkRock could erase the small gains I have made, and I REFUSE to go back into that abyss.

I am going to stop reading More Than Two at the moment, and reread The Gifts of Imperfection. With my family’s help, a lot of the housing projects that have been long ignored are going to be finished. I want my home to be a sanctuary for my heart. I already have a list of a lot of what needs done - we were about to have our State of the Union meeting, so a lot of it has a loose schedule already. I feel like there is hope here. DarkKnight and I are planning trips and events for the future - a friend in New Jersey has offered her home and spare room so we can take a trip to NYC soon. I want to go to the Mount Olive Pickle Festival in North Carolina. I had planned to attend with PunkRock this year, but DarkKnight enjoys pickles just as much. I have a Bucket List item that was on my radar already - hiking part of the Appalachian Trail. I kept putting it off because of my sweat allergy, but if I time it right, and take things in small stages, I know it will be possible. My youngest and I spent entire summers hiking and tubing and DarkKnight always went camping with me - getting back out under the trees will help my soul.

I refuse to let my life stagnate and die, and to leave my heart in the gutter where PunkRock tossed it. I am amazing. I am strong. And damn it, I am a good person. Last year was a year of darkness, but this year will be one of sunshine.

Watch me rise.
 
Last edited:

vinsanity0

Active member
You are so not being over the top here. When Cat died I couldn't even walk into a grocery store without crying. That lasted about two months. Three years later there are still things that trigger me out of the blue.

A friend of mine who recently lost he husband posted something on FB today that explained grief very well. Imagine a box. In that box, on one side, is a pain button. There's also a large ball in the box. The ball is big enough that it bounces against the pain button all the time. Over time the ball shrinks in size. It still randomly hits that button, just less frequently.

I hope I illustrated that properly. Let yourself grieve. It's normal so don't freak out when you feel pain. Loss is loss.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's only been FIVE DAYS! Who on earth wouldn't be wallowing in the pit of despair after being dumped by her husband/partner of 6 years after only 5 days? I'm rather shocked you even feel the need to apologize for being wrecked.

I don't know how you can be going shopping for clothes for murder mystery games, doing big life insurance and banking changes, planning to hike the Appalachian trail, etc., etc., etc. I don't know how you can be "feeling better, as a whole" after such a shocking breakup FIVE DAYS ago.

It doesn't seem real that you could be functioning so well when you still love him. Your kids, your friends all seem more upset than you.


...Maybe you're in the denial stage?
 
Last edited:

Bluebird

Well-known member
I don’t feel like I am in denial. This is very much happening. However, the more I plan, the better I feel. I am certainly feeling like complete shit otherwise. When I have something else to focus on, I can do that, for a while.

DarkKnight and I are marathoning episodes of Picard this afternoon. Something to think about other than sadness and despair.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I also truly believe that negative thinking allows for negative results. I’ve been down and out for so long, and my goal this year has always been to recover from the depression and anxiety that choked me last year. Moving forward, there is a lot of sadness and heartache to move past. The more I can do to set up positive experiences and things to be excited for, the better.

There is not a single soul on this entire earth that is feeling the effects of this more than me. I feel fragile. If I breathe too hard, I sometimes feel as if my outer shell will crumble and my soul will disintegrate and disappear into the sky. Gravity is a force that interacts with everything. If not for it, I would cease to exist. Since I haven’t flown off of the earth yet though, I know it’s still there. I use that as my constant, and build everything else from that fact.

I’m still here. There is pain. I can reasonably assume I will be here tomorrow and that the pain will still be there. What can I do between now and then to keep going? What can I do tomorrow, to ensure that I continue? The day after that? What if gravity is still a thing next week? What will I do then? I think on these things, and then I put stuff on the calendar and on my to do list.

I sob, and sob, and sob. How can this have happened? How could this still be happening? How is this my life now? I am empty. But then I breathe, quietly, because I need to keep my soul here. Gravity is here, holding me horizontally against the earth, as I lay on the couch. I recognize it, and push against it, and then use it to climb out of the hole my heart has made. It’s a physical thing - I can feel it against my skin. I don’t know how to describe it.

Maybe this is crazy. Maybe I’ve gone crazy. But when I can breathe quietly, and focus on the space that surrounds me, I feel gravity. It’s helping me stay connected to myself, my timeline and my world. I think on this, and I feel calmer. I feel better. That’s what I mean by as a whole. I feel like my shell will stay intact if I can focus on things.

It’s sort of a form of meditation, I guess?

Make no mistake.I am fucking devastated. But I am determined to stand up.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Today my Blessing Box will be reopening. I shut it down last week. I have a ton of messages to respond to, and I rolled out a new “sick kit” initiative last night, to both help prevent the spread of colds and flu, but also to respond to those who may be battling an illness. I have two people lined up to volunteer today, because the overflow room is currently crazy after being ignored for almost a week.

Yesterday went okay, I guess. I had a few teary episodes, but DarkKnight kept me distracted with a Picard marathon on CBS All Access. A friend let us borrow his log in and we are now all caught up on things. For the most part I just felt a little hollow, and not sad or overwhelmed. So that was good. I did ugly cry when we went to bed. I think that may be my new normal. Everything comes out when I am tired, and there isn’t anything else to focus on. However, I can say that I do get past it. DarkKnight is liberal with his back rubs and kisses.

Hey! I did manage to learn more about the Lurking Fear story! The main character is now up the mountain and doing a sleepover in the haunted mansion. He recounted a tale about how recently, the nearby village of 75 people was found empty, with 25 people missing and 50 mangled & maimed corpses discovered in the streets. So that’s good news, I guess? Lol Um, I mean yay that I managed to stay awake and remember some of the Lovecraft story as DarkKnight read it to me - not yay there were dead bodies. Lol I still fell asleep - I am not sure what happened after the dude was in the house at night.

This week is shaping up to be busy. DarkKnight has an audition tonight for a theater production with a new company tonight, and he has choral rehearsal Tuesday. Wednesday night he and I are going to watch Dunkirk - I’ve seen it 3 times and he’s not seen it at all. Thursday we have our Zombicide game night with our friend, and then Friday we are playing Harry Potter trivia at a pizza joint in town with a group of friends.

I am actually kind of concerned for DarkKnight because there isn’t a lot of down time there for him! I would normally NEVER expect him to be able to handle all of that himself, as he is very introverted and needs breaks to function. He told me not to worry about it, as he is choosing to do all of those things, that he wouldn’t have agreed if he didn’t think those things were worthwhile.

Me personally, I need to make plans for tonight and Tuesday, since I will be alone. I might meet up with a friend tonight. We will see.

DarkKnight and I have been talking about applying for a home equity loan, so I might do more research on that. The discussion we’ve been having has been around maybe applying near the end of summer. We haven’t had an official State of the Union meeting yet, but it was something I was going to bring up then originally. What’s crazy is that it was going to be PunkRock focused - the money will be used to finally finish updating the basement bedroom suite, art studio and bathroom. Only now it will be DarkKnight who benefits, since he will be moving down into that space in April once PunkRock vacates the premises. This honestly makes me very sad, as PunkRock had so many ideas for this project! Anyway, we think it would be smart to do because a major part of it is putting in an egress window, and fixing the foundation issue we discovered after buying the house. With the window, the house can be a legal 4-bedroom, and when the bathroom is gutted and redone, the value of the property will get a huge boost - more than the money borrowed. The first step though, is paying off the one credit card we have, to improve our debt-to-income ratio. That should happen when PunkRock gives me the second installment of cash he promised. He is supposed to be giving me some money this week, and more in April to cover expenses and debts.

PunkRock and I had a walk through on the house last night and that went okay. It was actually quick and not too contentious. He told me what he wanted to take and I told him what we wanted to keep. He asked to borrow some of the tools for a community thing he is doing for work this weekend and that was fine with both DarkKnight and I.

Today I need to call the vet’s office and schedule our cat Milton for his annual visit. I also need to request that all of the cats except for Gus be removed from PunkRock’s account. I told PunkRock he may have to sign some paperwork, and he was agreeable to it. I know he doesn’t want our cats to have an interruption in care, so it is not something I am stressing over. I also need to shift my own life insurance over to be withdrawn from the new bank account. I called last week to request the change of beneficiary form, but I still need to switch the payment stuff.

I will be keeping the car from DarkKnight on Tuesday, as I have to pick up my son and discuss a lot of different things with him - his finances, medical bills and his own upcoming move. We think he may be coming home and if so we need to plan for that. Right now BugGirl and AntMan are shacking up in our foster kitten room, and when DarkKnight moves down to the basement, they will be relocating to his bedroom. They want to have two closets, and we would like to have foster kittens again. Lol The good news about that shift is that the bedroom will be empty for a short time, and that will allow us to finish up painting the doors and trim in there. We only ever painted the walls! So anyway, that will make BugGirl very happy to be relocated to a room she wants, but it will also make me happy, because all of the chaos currently in the office will be fixed - it looks like a hoarder space right now because all of the foster kitten furniture, fixtures and supplies were moved in there so BugGirl & AntMan had a room to live in. Now that stuff will move back to its original space where it can be used, and we can empty the office of work equipment, because DarkKnight is moving to the basement suite. So, that leaves that room empty, and my son could move into it.

Whew! Following that? Lol
 
Last edited:

Bluebird

Well-known member
I just want to say I fucking hate guys. Lots of messages from thirsty dudes who want to say sorry about my break up with PunkRock. I stopped even responding. It’s so gross. I’ve been chatting a lot with my D&D friend - who used to be my WarMachine friend - who has the open relationship with his wife. But that’s been good because he’s not trying to date me, or take advantage of my vulnerability - we are just good friends. I also heard today from a friend of PunkRock’s who plays infinity with him here and there - he is also splitting with his partner (of 10 years!) so he is kinda down. He’s nice, and I appreciated the chat. But again, not an issue with him trying to hit on me, or sleep with me. Just shared pain.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Thanks - I am trying. <3

Yesterday went okay. AntMan rocked it out and got the Blessing Box overflow room looking good, and I had a friend show up later in the afternoon to help as well. I know I have to do some planning soon on events for the Box, but I didn’t focus on that yet - I filled things up, answered the door and just kinda went through the motions. One foot in front of the other, for now.

I started feeling down and lost momentum around 4 pm, but DarkKnight came home right around then, so I got some good hugs and an emotional boost. He made tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner, and I have to say that sort of comfort food HELPS. He had an audition with a new theater group in town, so I was alone in the evening. Rather than feel bad, I decided to reread the part in my journal where WarMan and I split, to see if there were any similarities with what I am experiencing now. Honestly, I couldn’t find many at all. I was dismayed by how sad I was leading up to the breakup, and how many warning signs there were all over the place. It was interesting to read it all again though - and it wasn’t anything that left me upset by experiencing it again. I guess that means I’m healed from him? I haven’t thought that I wasn’t. Lol But still, it’s good to have confirmation of that.

Today DarkKnight is coming home at lunchtime so I can take possession of our car. I need to pick up my son and have some face to face time with him. We have a lot to discuss regarding his medication, his medical bills, his disability deposits and him possibly moving in since he is financially about to fall apart. I want to have a real clear departure date if he does move in - I want him to be as independent as possible in the future. I’m still waiting for a response to the appeal letter I wrote to Medicare in January, and I am still not receiving his health insurance premium bills. I really don’t have much energy to devote to his issues, but there is no one else to do this stuff. I love my son, and I will make this a priority even in the middle of my own life implosion.
 

Reverie

Active member
I am deeply sorry to hear of your recent hard times, and I hope you mend as cleanly and as swiftly as possible, given the messy and ill-timed circumstances.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Thank you. Today I seemed to have made the transition from grief to anger. Next week is my wedding anniversary with DarkKnight, and we agreed not to travel since being alone - even for a short while - seems to cause PunkRock issues and he drinks. Well, now that isn’t my problem anymore. I’m still really, really concerned, because I still fucking love him, but I can’t let it be my problem. So, I started searching for trip ideas for DarkKnight and I.

My nephew is coming down to see us for his college Spring Break with his boyfriend next Wednesday through Friday. DarkKnight took those days off work. I think we are planning to go see a stage performance of One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest Thursday night with them. We had talked about going to a karaoke drag show on Wednesday, but those actually start the following Wednesday, so that’s a bummer. Anyway, we won’t actually be seeing them on the Friday, so DarkKnight and I are planning to jet off someplace then, until Sunday. So it will be a short jaunt somewhere together. 2 nights, 3 days.

A friend of our lives in New Jersey, and she offered to have us stay in her house, so we could go to NYC for the weekend. I’ve always wanted to see The Lion King there, so I was jazzed about it! Plus, I have a friend in Long Island that we could stop by and see. However, the more I thought about it, the more worried I became about the Corona virus. So we decided against that.

My next choice was heading south and renting a cabin on a lake in the mountains someplace. The thought of this is what triggered my anger. All of my outdoor forest sort of trips have been with DarkKnight. I ALWAYS asked PunkRock to go out into the woods with me, and he always refused. DarkKnight and I did tent camping, cabin camping. We would go on hikes, go geocaching. We did Park Quest each year for the past 7 years, actually, where we got free admittance to all of the state parks, and we were part of a competition that had us visiting at least 10 in 2 months. He refused. His feet hurt, his back hurt, he didn’t want to be out in the elements. Hiking wasn’t his thing. Lots of times just my youngest and I would go together. The one singular time he went with us, was a stop on the way to the beach. And it didn’t involve the woods - it was a canoeing/kayaking challenge.

So, when he started dating HippieChick, I was FLOORED when he started hiking with her. Like, wtf had I been asking for all those years? He claimed he always loved hiking. That he loved resetting himself in the wilderness. Like, okay, whatever dude. I was more than a little hurt, to be honest.

Now, here I am planning a trip to the mountains to go hiking with DarkKnight, and the thing in the forefront of my mind is the rejection I feel from PunkRock. Ugh. So that made me mad. How DARE he throw me away, and then take up space in my mind and spoil something I have always enjoyed. Like, I was seriously pissed off this morning.

I hope this is like, the next stage of the grieving process. I don’t like having my emotions be so out of whack. I’ve been used to anxiety and depression for what seems like so long, that anger seems irrational. I held on to it for most of the morning, not gonna lie.

I still haven’t booked anything. I’m not sure if a retreat to the trees would actually be good right now, if all I feel is simmering hate. I want to recharge and be happy again. A big city trip is more in line with what may help right now. But I don’t wanna go away and get sick. I’m trying to think of something more midline - I wanna focus on my love and feelings for DarkKnight, and have time with him. I’d actually go to the beach, but since PunkRock and I just came back from Ocean City, that’s kind of tainted for me now as well. So, I am trying to think of something else. I do think that if I give things a little more time I will be able to reclaim those parts of the world as my own again. I won’t mind sharing them with PunkRock. Shit, he clearly isn’t thinking of me while he is in them.

But right now, I need to let those feelings go. I don’t think it would work. So - where to go?
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Well, right after writing the last entry, I talked to DarkKnight, and we now have a destination - Roanoke! I had looked into going here previously with PunkRock, but it never worked out. DarkKnight is super excited about going to the Pinball Museum, and there’s a science center with a butterfly garden. Escape rooms too! The three hour drive isn’t too bad. I am now looking forward to my weekend getaway, next weekend, with my husband! <3 <3
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Don’t I know it!

I didn’t pay for the hotel yet - DarkKnight’s mom isn’t really doing any better. She had the internal bleeding taken care of on Monday, and yesterday she was taken by helicopter to York Hospital. Now they are saying they are not going to be able to take care of the scarring, and instead she will be having open heart surgery to install a heart pump. There are a lot of risks for the surgery, but that’s pretty much the only option now. I don’t know when exactly the surgery is scheduled for, so we are waiting to hear that.
 
Top