Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
She hasn't always been 30.

I would just want to be more of an example for her I guess. Especially when she's going through so much. I'd just want her to know that she doesn't need to rush into relationships and find validation through them but I couldn't if I'd moved in a guy during a pandemic and after my husband just left me out of the blue. Sounds like she really needs someone who can practice what they preach so she knows she is enough.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
You do you, I guess. I will continue do the best that I can, for me.

Funny enough - she is the reason I am with MisterMoonbeam. If you scroll back - I had zero intentions of dating him. But AntMan stole her debit card, racked up $500 in charges, went on a coke binge and showed up at my house screaming and crying. MisterMoonbeam offered to drive him to NY to get him out of my hair - as AntMan was a HUGE risk to BugGirl’s sobriety. After that, every choice made brought us closer together, and I do not regret it.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
That was exactly what she did, along with indicating she felt he should inform meta of the threat level of his current living situation. Sounds pretty responsible to me.

Thanks Vin. I feel my discussion with MisterMoonbeam was open and honest. I’m happy with how it went.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I am not in the right frame of mind to be dating anyone. And I have zero desire to do video chats and stuff like that, which is all that would be safe during COVID. MisterMoonbeam has his own issues going on right now, and mine are legion. We’re good for each other. I’m happy he’s in my life and I’m glad we were able to come together, even though it was completely unexpected and not planned. I love him and I am interested to see how our lives together unfold. So far, we’re cautious one minute, then making insane decisions together the next. Long term, maybe it won’t work out - maybe this is just a crazy rebound relationship. But, well, what if it does? We both are old enough to know we are good for each other right now. I would be blissfully happy if that continued.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Today the Blessing Box is closed, so it’s my day off. DarkKnight is coming home so we can have lunch together, and so I can keep the car for the afternoon. I will be running errands - I am buying two air conditioners for people in need, and I have $100 to get items to put in the mini fridge & freezer on my porch. I also have to go to the bank and withdraw cash for my son’s rent this month, and he asked for some money to pay the deposit on internet service - it used to be in his youngest sister’s name. I also had two back to back table & chairs sets get offered to me, so I spent some time this morning posting and answering messages about them. They’ve both been claimed and one of the deliveries has been scheduled.

I had some okay sexy times this morning with MisterMoonbeam. I’m on the last day of my period so it was mostly him yanking and squeezing the fuck out of my boobs while I used a toy. I was left super tired afterward - I have been dozing in his bed ever since, though he got up to clock in at work.

What else? We got some of the work done last night in our foster kitten room. I am hoping to hear today about when we can pick up our first batch of babies for the season! The room isn’t complete - the fountain needs washed and I have to buy some new items. Still, I scrubbed everything down and MisterMoonbeam is going to rewrap some of the scratching posts.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
OMG it is hot here. I’m doing a big giveaway with swim diapers, outdoor toys and flip flops today, so ugh, I am out in it. I’m going to run out of frozen freeze pops! So many cute kids visiting.

I woke up feeling sad. The last few days I’ve been mostly down and depressed. A lot of my friends have been posting about their forever and always loves, and how it’s going to be until the end of time, etc. I remember PunkRock telling me that. Until it wasn’t true, suddenly. It just has me feeling so broken as a person sometimes. I told MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight that I need them to love me louder. Especially MisterMoonbeam - he’s been depressed himself, and I feel bad for being the cause of his separation from his other girlfriend. It makes me feel terrible.

I painted my toenails today - I pulled out two different turquoise colors and they were called “Why Not?” And “Plenty of Fish in the Sea.” Oh boy!

This afternoon I am supposed to be doing a Zomm interview for a local news station. Meh.

Before he left for work DarkKnight gave me kisses and a promise that we are ordering in Chinese tonight for dinner. I am not a huge fan, but both he and MisterMoonbeam are excited. Lol
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
Does MisterMoonbeam have the financial means to take a short-term rental where he could quarantine alone for two weeks, then be able to see his other partner for a visit? Or stay with a super low-risk friend for two weeks? (He could probably safely return to your house without needing to quarantine again, since his other partner seems to have a low-risk bubble).

I know that would only get him one visit with her, but I think many poly people are going to have to come up with creative solutions like that if they want to keep seeing various partners as the pandemic continues.

I only have one partner right now, and I haven't seen him since March due to his and his roommates' health factors. We finally figured out the logistics to see each other for a few days later in June. We are probably going to be shifting to a similar pattern--seeing other every few months after/before a stricter quarantine period for the rest of the year.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
We actually talked about this! But no - it’s a crazy high expense for him on top of everything he’s doing to move unexpectedly. :( We will continue to try and think of things though - I know I would not be okay if our positions were reversed, that’s for sure.

We are leaving for Fredericksburg tonight so we will be able to pack some more on Saturday and Sunday. This is the last weekend before moving day! We are a little anxious, because that city is under curfew, and we will definitely be arriving at the hotel after hours. We read online that the first stop will be a warning only so we are hoping to arrive without any issues. Tomorrow we will be out after hours as well, so we are going to have two times when we could get stopped. We won’t be downtown though, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that we avoid everything. MisterMoonbeam says he is going to print out his change of address form and the hotel information, and with my license matching the change of address - hopefully the cops will believe us that we are not in town to make trouble and just want to get to our hotel and sleep!

Today is crazy busy. I asked BugGirl to come over and clean my house this afternoon and she was happy to make some money! I just have no time right now to mop floors and empty litter before leaving tonight. DarkKnight & MisterMoonbeam are moving a table and chair set this evening, and they’ll be picking up a couple of things for the foster kitten room too. BugGirl & I are picking up our foster kittens at 4:30 and I am excited! So today I am making sure that room is good to go - which as of right now it is! We are going to be getting 8 babies and we are going to name them after ice cream flavors. Today is also Fresh Food Friday at the Blessing Box, so it’s busy here with refilling and helping people. I’m now working on laundry and trying to get the living room in order.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I am home from Virginia once again! Next weekend is moving day and it is agreed that everyone just wants this process to be over. This weekend MisterMoonbeam was involved and did a lot of the final packing and cleaning of the linens in his bedroom and in the laundry room. Everything is ready to go now, for the most part. Both he and DarkKnight have agreed that we are taking a week’s vacation in July - someplace secluded, shaded and with either a pool or a lake for us to be alone by and relax. One of the guys will go for 3 days and the other will go for the rest. I’m not going to leave for the entire time and I am going to have my phone shut off the whole week. All of us need a reset and some downtime from the world and it’s current insanity.

Right now we have 8 kittens, and they are all 7 weeks old. A few are almost at weight to be fixed, so next week I will be making appointments to have that happen. None are feral or hissy this time through, so I am hoping we can get them up to date on shots and get them neutered and move them out! We named them after ice cream flavors, and they are super sweet.
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
Woke up tired this morning! MisterMoonbeam and I were up til like 1 am. A new game I ordered online arrived and we were determined to beat it. It’s called Unsolved Case Files - you can only play once, as you are solving a murder. It’s literally a file folder full of newspaper clippings, photos and witness statements. You read it all and try to figure out the case. The first one we did, we freed an innocent man and got the actual murderer to confess, and the one we did last night we managed to prove that a suicide was actually a murder. I am going to order another one - it was fun. There is no replaying it, of course, but it’s a fun date night. My youngest daughter came over and grabbed the original one so she could check it out with her boyfriend!

My polycule is currently finishing up with the Watchmen on HBO. DarkKnight and I have seen it already, but we didn’t mind seeing it again with MisterMoonbeam. We watch an episode each night, during dinner. When we finish this, I want to start on the show Dark. I watched it before with PunkRock, and it’s REALLY good. The new season starts soon so I would rewatch it regardless, but I want my guys to be able to see it and appreciate it too!

Today I am kind of kicking it low key. I don’t have any major projects to focus on. I did meet with a couple last night who are gifting me a huge storage unit full of furniture. I took pics of everything and I have to find homes for all of it today but I have a waiting list and a dedicated delivery guy, so no worries. It’s just going to be a lot of messages back and forth. I will be having a meat giveaway soon so I need to plan that as well.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I had my annual visit this morning to have my lady-bits looked over. Things went well, and I had a blood draw to get a new STD panel run as well. I feel confident that I don’t even have a yeast infection - things have been great with my cooter! Lol Plus, MisterMoonbeam had some testing done recently, as well as PunkRock’s testing in February. I should be all set. The gyno did say I needed another mammogram- I thought it was every 5 years, but she said it was an annual thing! Yikes. My first and only time was December 2017. The screening place is in the same building, and they had a time slot available, so after my exam and blood draw, I went down and got my boobies squished.

So that was a busy morning!

Today is too damn hot but I am doing my best to keep the Blessing Box full. I have a bunch of furniture being delivered tonight, and MisterMoonbeam is going to be delivering a recliner to BugGirl’s house. I was able to hook her up with a brand new recliner and loveseat through donors. Pretty sweet. Today he is also picking up an air conditioner for me and dropping off two fans in the section 8 housing down the road.

DarkKnight injured his back this weekend somehow, so he stayed home from work on Monday. He was feeling a bit better on Tuesday so he has been back at the office the last two days. I kept the car this morning so I have to go pick him up at 4 pm. I’m going to leave a little bit early because my son needs some of his stimulus check. (I have been giving him a few hundred here and there, as his rep payee, to help with groceries.) So I need to stop at the bank. My youngest daughter is coming to see me any minute now, just to hang out I guess. Not really sure - she just texted and asked if she could come over today.
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
OMG drama. BugGirl called me all distraught from work today, and MisterMoonbeam has to go pick her up. Her most recent ex sent naked pictures of her to her new boyfriend. Apparently his behaviors have been escalating. She is here now writing down dates and times to file an order of protection and ask for criminal charges to be filed. In Maryland, revenge porn is a misdemeanor. He’s been stalking her - showing up hiding behind the dumpster at her new apartment, and waiting outside near her work. He’s been blowing up her phone with all sorts of texts and phone calls from different numbers too.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
What a day. I was so proud of BugGirl - she filled out everything and did the work to request an order of protection. She was really distraught that her new boyfriend might leave her, but it looks like he is sticking in there for now. It was a rough day for her. Her issues completely upended my schedule but I worked it out in the evening. I will always choose to support my children when they are struggling.

My emotions have been weird this week. I’ve had several days where I don’t even think of PunkRock, and then out of the clear blue sky a bolt of lightning will hit and I find myself crying my eyes out and drowning in my tears for five minutes. Like I said, weird. The feelings are just intense and overwhelming, but then they disappear.

I still haven’t been able to get in to see someone. Apparently the office set me up to see the same therapist as PunkRock! I don’t know if he is even still going, but regardless, I shut that down in a hurry. Now I am waiting again. I’m not sure how the office could make that mistake, but it is a larger place in town.

I saw some advice for another person in an online forum, and it resonated.

“It seems like he was looking for an easy way to have the best of both worlds and made the decision to leave but didn't have the balls to do it sooner. I'm sorry he did this to you but polyamory is not an excuse to cheat and it seems like he didn't go into it with the right mindset.

Communication and honesty are key and he betrayed both of those.”

I’m not sure if it’s healthy to keep looking at what happened and continually examine the hurt and pain I was caused. I mean, that’s what therapy is for, but at the same time I don’t like focusing on this again and again. I’m moving forward, and getting stuck isn’t something I think is helpful.

My relationship with MisterMoonbeam is unlike any I have been in before. I have next to no NRE. Our sex life sucks as far as frequency, because he is depressed and I am depressed, so we are just exhausted with our emotions at night. When we do get together, he has some dysfunction and can’t cum at all. He said he has had these issues for a long time. In the time that we’ve been together, he’s only cum twice. However, he is amazing with every part of his body and makes sure I am satisfied and feel connected. He’s had partners who have shamed him for certain sex acts in the past (oh boy does that sound familiar to me!) and so he is working through that. He told me the other day that he wants to explore my bratty side, but he just has no spoons left for that sort of thing at the end of the day. This is frustrating to me because I feel it would help me, in a way. However, I’m so worn out that I can’t really feel too disappointed.

I think that eventually this will improve. We do have sex at least once a week. I am sad that the NRE has been tainted by our mutual losses, but our relationship is positive overall, for sure. Maybe this is part of it being a rebound? I don’t know. I can say that Corona has really shaped and made things different than it would have been otherwise. I don’t feel rushed though, or anxious.

I do love him, and I care about him. I think there is mutual trust. Which is crazy - my attachment issues haven’t deteriorated into a hot mess like I feared. I believe what he says to me and this is new. It usually takes me a REALLY long time to trust a guy, but with MisterMoonbeam, I feel safe.

I am still weirded out by little things - like realizing that I’m not tempted to smell his water bottles. That’s always been something I get angry about in the past - like 90% of the time I would smell PunkRock’s and they’d be water, but then there would be times they’d smell like vodka. I would feel resentful when they smelled like water - like, angry that I felt compelled, that I HAD to do this - and devastated when they smelled like alcohol. Now I don’t feel anything at all and never smell MisterMoonbeam’s cups and bottles. That’s a relief I didn’t know I would experience.

DarkKnight drank some apple cider and Fireball last night and we had sex before bed. I was apprehensive kissing him and tasting it on his lips, but ultimately it didn’t ruin anything. We had a good time!

This was after playing Chapter 10 of Betrayal Legacy. We only have a few more times to play that game, so it makes me feel a bit sad. I’m really enjoying the experience with both my guys.

Today will be a whirlwind. MisterMoonbeam has to go finalize his storage unit for Sunday’s move. While he is gone this morning, I will be emptying litter boxes, giving kittens medicine, folding laundry, packing and THEN showering. When he gets back, we will head out to Fredericksburg for the final time for moving prep work. His dog Jake has a pre-op appointment at 2 pm but after that we are free the rest of the evening. We bought this scratch-off dating adventure book, so we are going to use that for the first time. It has a bunch of dating ideas all covered in silver foil, so you don’t know what your date is until you uncover it! There are hints - like the title of the encounter, and it has icons so you know if it’s indoors or outdoors, how much it costs, and if it’s messy or involves food or getting wet. There are spaces on each page for journaling and a photo. I think this will be fun.

Saturday we are free all day, so we are meeting up with his friends that we’ve been seeing to play Mansions of Madness together. I really love these people - they’ve made me feel really welcome and they’re super cool. We’ve kept quarantine and so have they, and my extroverted parts are so happy to have time with others! There are some double date events in the new scratch off book, so we might do something in there too.

Sunday is moving day. We already have the biggest truck reserved, and MisterMoonbeam is paying some of his friends $800 to pack up the entire truck, drive it to Hagerstown, unload it into a storage unit and then drive the truck back. He also is having them drop off some furniture to BugGirl, as well as some items here at our house. He’s gifting his washing machine to my youngest daughter - she just moved in with her boyfriend and their place doesn’t have one. So she is excited!

Monday, Jake the dog is getting fixed and then moving out with the other dog to their new home. Right now I am unsure as to whether we are staying overnight on Sunday. I don’t think we are, so we can be back to help move the pieces of furniture into my house on Sunday, but I really don’t know.
 

Vicki82

Active member
Woke up tired this morning! MisterMoonbeam and I were up til like 1 am. A new game I ordered online arrived and we were determined to beat it. It’s called Unsolved Case Files - you can only play once, as you are solving a murder. It’s literally a file folder full of newspaper clippings, photos and witness statements. You read it all and try to figure out the case. The first one we did, we freed an innocent man and got the actual murderer to confess, and the one we did last night we managed to prove that a suicide was actually a murder. I am going to order another one - it was fun. There is no replaying it, of course, but it’s a fun date night. My youngest daughter came over and grabbed the original one so she could check it out with her boyfriend!

My polycule is currently finishing up with the Watchmen on HBO. DarkKnight and I have seen it already, but we didn’t mind seeing it again with MisterMoonbeam. We watch an episode each night, during dinner. When we finish this, I want to start on the show Dark. I watched it before with PunkRock, and it’s REALLY good. The new season starts soon so I would rewatch it regardless, but I want my guys to be able to see it and appreciate it too!

Today I am kind of kicking it low key. I don’t have any major projects to focus on. I did meet with a couple last night who are gifting me a huge storage unit full of furniture. I took pics of everything and I have to find homes for all of it today but I have a waiting list and a dedicated delivery guy, so no worries. It’s just going to be a lot of messages back and forth. I will be having a meat giveaway soon so I need to plan that as well.

Where did you get that game, Bluebird? It sounds pretty cool.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member

YouAreHere

Well-known member
Hey there BB,
Not sure if this is something that interests you, but since the whole COVID thing, our gaming groups are nonexistent. We've got a bunch of us on boardgamearena dot com, and have been playing together remotely for a little while now. We usually set up a side chat on Discord so we can talk for realzies. My username is Monkeyhouse2d12 if you feel like joining up and friending me.

There's another site, but I've been told that this one has better tutorials for you to get familiar with games you may not have played before. Might be a fun way to get together with folks you haven't been able to get together with.

Big hugs for you and BugGirl; I'm glad she's working through the process. Ex seems completely unhinged. Ugh.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Thanks for the invite! I will check it out for sure.

This weekend was a rough one for everyone. I don’t even know where to start. Friday was a mess - MisterMoonbeam was an emotional wreck the entire way to Fredericksburg. He had me play music the entire way and I could see he didn’t want to talk, as he was trying to work through some sadness. We hit a lot of traffic and by the time we arrived at the hotel we were running late and his anxiety was sky high. After checking in he pretty much threw me out of the van and was running to the elevator. I was like, hey just give me the keycard and go! He was in such a hurry he told me the wrong room number but it didn’t take me long to figure it out.

Jake the dog did okay at the pre-op appointment, but MisterMoonbeam did not. His emotional health was worse when he returned. I was in bed, resting. He sat on the couch while I fell asleep. When I awoke, he was in bed with me, clearly distressed. He reiterated several times that he couldn’t go back to the house, had all sorts of bad memories there. He talked about planning to hang himself in the outbuilding after his wife died. I was really shocked and I didn’t really know how to respond. I knew he was hurting but not the depth of his depression. He seemed so lost but yet at the same time, holding back his tears and trying to seem strong.

I could tell that he wasn’t up for anything other than wallowing in sadness - and I knew that sometimes you need to do that to feel better. We talked and then I messaged the wife of his late wife’s other partner - does that description even make sense? This couple is amazing and we’ve hung out with them a few times. She was home alone and excited to hang out with me, so she picked me up and I spent the evening drinking and playing board games.

Though it hurt me a little bit to leave MisterMoonbeam alone with his grief, at the time I REALLY felt like it was the right choice. When I came back to the hotel, he was sleeping peacefully and he gave me big snuggles when I slid under the covers with him.

The next morning he was joyful and upbeat - the most I had ever seen him while in Virginia, actually. We had no plans for the day, other than hanging out with the same friends as I had the night previously. First we had lunch together at a park in town, and then going to his friends’ home in the afternoon, and had a fun, relaxing day of games and laughs. We played Hex Hex XL and then two different scenarios in Mansions of Madness 2nd edition. We had homemade hoagies for dinner, and for a while we were all comparing profiles on OKCupid. I matched with both friends 97%, and never realized that MisterMoonbeam and I were actually a 99% pairing! So that was interesting! We were both tired when returning to the hotel, but I was totally full of stars in my eyes when looking at this man - when he’s positive and upbeat, he’s just got this light and it makes me shine just being around him.

The next day was moving day.
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
On Sunday, MisterMoonbeam got up early and picked up a different friend, who was heading up two other guys who were packing the moving truck for him. He had rented the biggest moving truck he could, and the idea was that we’d stay out of the way while the truck was loaded and then driven back to my city and everything was put into storage. Well, right from the beginning, MisterMoonbeam was stressed.

The truck pickup took awhile. He had some frustration there, but he got it done eventually and that was good. He had promised to bring me back some breakfast, but his anxiety was high and he actually bought 3 different breakfast entrees because he was unsettled and worried and couldn’t decide. He ate okay and we talked about our plans for the day. Jake the dog was on schedule to be fixed on Monday, at which point both dogs would be rehomed with his late wife’s best friend. I suggested maybe taking them to a creek and having a last outing with them. He seemed happy about this idea, so we bought some treats and toys at Walmart and went over to his house to get the dogs.

At that point, the truck was almost fully loaded and things were looking good. We took our trip to the park and the dogs were bouncy and active and both MisterMoonbeam and I waded in the creek. The water was perfect. He seemed to grow tired quickly - no doubt feeling sad about rehoming the dogs - so after a while we packed things up to go back to the house.

We got a call from the movers - they were on their way! However, not everything fit in the truck. MisterMoonbeam’s mood almost immediately changed. We were both distraught and not really sure what to do. We didn’t thing he had THAT much stuff but clearly he did. We went back and took the dogs home, but he didn’t want to go inside or look at anything. Instead, we dropped them off and went back to the hotel where he took a nap and I sat up and worried about how this would effect him.

Now in the morning we had decided we would bring dinner to his wife’s best friend and bring Charlie, the other dog, to her overnight, since Jake the dog was going to the vet for surgery first thing in the morning. She would be done with work at 6:30, so at 5 pm I woke MisterMoonbeam up and told him we were going on a date! We had purchased this “Adventure Challenge” book that has a ton of date ideas with spaces for photos and journaling. The neat thing is that all of the date ideas need to be scratched off - so you have no idea what you are doing! I was hoping that whatever was chosen, would help get his mind off the looming issue of what to do with the rest of his stuff.

Well, it helped A LOT. Guys, I scratched off a date idea that had him roaring with laughter and me sitting back in shock. We had chosen this particular square because the timing was 1-2 hours, it was free and it was outdoors. It sounded good. The category was “Trust Fall” and the name was “Don’t Let Go.” I swear to god, the first thing I asked was - “did you write this challenge?!” Later,, DarkKnight said he would have reacted with laughing as well, and I don’t doubt it.

The date involved silence. We had to hike through a park for 15 minutes in silence, holding hands, and we weren’t allowed to let go of the other person’s hand or talk at all. Then, we had to take turns pushing each other on a swing for 5 minutes each, and the person on the swing couldn’t talk but the person pushing could. Then, you were supposed to talk about how the silence felt.

I am an extrovert. I never stop talking. It’s like, my biggest personality flaw, I think. It’s a huge part of who I am and what I’m like, and it’s why I am best in small doses! Having to stay silent for this amount of time was like a big joke being played on me!

So, we returned to the park we had gone wading at earlier, but instead we headed for a paved trail. It was shaded, not at all busy, and it was just the thing for us. By the end of the walk, we were both smiling and feeling much less stressed. The swinging was fun - it was definitely not something we would have made a plan to do, that’s for sure! While we were doing that several families and couples walked by, and we were given lots of smiles and I saw at least one woman trying to convince her partner to come and push her, but he didn’t want to do it. I felt kinda good, knowing that I had a partner willing to look silly with me - especially on a day that was causing him so much anxiety.

After the date, MisterMoonbeam added to it with a drive through the area where the Battle of Fredericksburg took place during the Civil War. He showed me this pyramid thing in the distance, and he mentioned that he actually didn’t know much about the battle! So I looked it up on Wikipedia, and we learned all about it. This area was also not busy, and it was nice to just be with him and do something together.

This was our first ever official date.

We then picked up Mexican and brought food to his friend to eat together. She had just moved in to her new house the day before, so she was happy to have a catered meal. :) Then we brought Charlie the dog over, and at that point I went through the house and took photos of all of the stuff we still had to move. MisterMoonbeam’s mood did a complete turnaround and he started freaking out about all of the items. He repeated a couple of times that he should have hung himself, and started pacing and gesturing wildly. He said he couldn’t deal with this anymore and wanted to burn it all. He was just soooo out of control of his feelings and overwhelmed.

I tried to get him calmed down and we went back to the hotel after dropping off the dog. He closed himself off a bit and was just kind of lost to me, in a way. Me being me, I started making plans and lists to make it manageable. After a while he seemed to calm down and fell asleep. After a while I felt content that I had control of the issues and went to sleep myself.

In the middle of the night I woke up after a nightmare about PunkRock (I seem to be having these frequently) and I started crying. It was kind of a release of emotions for myself, because I was really worn out dealing with everything over the weekend and worrying about my boyfriend’s mental health. Also, I was feeling really disconnected at that point - we hadn’t had sex in over a week, and my focus just became all of the lifting I was doing to help keep him on an even keel, and how I needed him on me to feel safe and secure myself.

I knew he wouldn’t be okay with that. I mean, he’s in the middle of a meltdown and struggling with everything. Sex was not going to happen. This made me cry some more, and he was snuggling me and rubbing my arms and back. After a while he started snoring, so I got up and slept on the couch. I needed to distance myself to seriously not try and touch him - I masturbated in the living room away from him, took care of my own needs myself. If you have read my journal at all, you probably know how terrible I felt after that. I slept on the couch fitfully, but when I woke in the morning, I went back to bed and cuddled up with MisterMoonbeam once again.

After talking about things, I laid out my ideas for tackling all of the leftover items. I had a bullet list, which he expanded on, and before he got up to take Jake the dog to the vet for surgery, we had solid plans. When he got back (I fell back asleep but then got dressed) we did some internet stuff and everything got set up. We now have everything scheduled and things are looking good.

1. We reserved a 15’ moving truck for Saturday in Hagerstown. The plan is to drive it out to Fredericksburg and load it up and bring it back to the storage unit.
2. We talked to the moving guy, and he said the storage unit still had space. When we returned home later today, we discovered that was true, and it looks like we won’t have to rent a second one to hold everything, thank goodness.
3. He has a friend lined up for Saturday to help load stuff, and my two oldest children are going to travel over to help as well.

This will add at least another $400 to the cost of this weekend’s move ($1200 - not including food and 2 nights of hotel). Not great, not terrible.

Then we went to the house and discovered that Jake the dog had gone insane the night before and trashed EVERYTHING. I can’t begin to describe the insanity, but our day suddenly got much longer. MisterMoonbeam seemed to lose momentum almost immediately, and truthfully I just wanted to sit outside and scream, but instead I just went to work. Boxes were torn to bits, dog kibble blanketed the living room carpet, chairs were knocked over and plants were upended. Trash was everywhere, broken china, urine...fuck. It was bad.

I directed MisterMoonbeam and together we loaded the van and got the mess dealt with. We staged everything for the weekend and gave a list to the cleaning lady to handle over the week. To be clear - we took care of the huge mess. This list was just stuff like to deep clean the rooms that were empty in anticipation of the final walkthrough later in the month. Anyway, we got it done.

We had a good talk on the drive home. Both of us can’t wait to have this entire process over. I am deeply concerned about his mental health, but at the same time - his wife died like 8 months ago! This is obviously traumatic for him. I am still trying to figure out how to be helpful but still give him his space. I don’t believe at all that he is actually suicidal at the moment. I do think he was previously, which is why he started going to therapy soon after his wife passed.

I still haven’t heard anything back about my own wait for a therapist, only back when they called to offer me the counselor that PunkRock had been seeing as he left me. Which I immediately turned down without seeing even once, because, yeah, NO. I am very tired right now and I have been promised by both guys a week away in July from everything. I am really looking forward to that.
 
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Lised1990

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Hi
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