Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love


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How can they be behind on cat neuters.They take less than 2 minutes literally. They are the easiest procedure.

I have no idea. I got an email today that Momma is scheduled to be fixed next week but the two kittens who are ready are going to have to wait at least 2 weeks to get on the calendar. Which sucks, because I have families just waiting to take them home.


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So looking at your board game shelf and seeing the obsession I've had all year unrepresented (and not willing to go back and see if I already mentioned it or not as it would have been essentially both our lifetimes ago in current events), I want to take this time to STRONGLY reccommend Disney Villainous.

It’s on my wish list!! We’ve been buying a lot of games lately that haven’t made it to the table yet, and I am trying to hold off until we play more of what we have. That said, it’s my birthday month and I have trouble holding back. Lol I am sure it will be on my shelf soon enough, and that’s the truth.

Right now we are binging out on Gloomhaven: Jaws of the Lion. I hope to play another scenario tonight - we lost the last one we played so we are going to attempt it again in a few hours. First though, DarkKnight is making steaks on the grill and then we are going to eat those while watching tonight’s Lower Decks episode.


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Ok, I was too exhausted to play JOTL tonight. We finally got the pressure washer running and I did the sidewalk up to my porch and part of the patio until DarkKnight told me to stop for dinner. My hands are still vibrating! It kicked my ass but it was so satisfying. Here’s a side by side of one pass.


I am hoping to give it a second pass and do the complete patio tomorrow morning.A friend of mine gifted me the pressure washer as it was missing a part. My lawn guy had the part, which he gave me, and I told him I would be happy to gift him the entire pressure washer when I am through. I don’t see the sense in storing it for years until I need it again! He was really happy. I am hoping to have the entire sidewalk and landing beside my house done by next weekend. I think I will sleep good all week!


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I finished with the power wash on the patio today. It looks SO much better!5C2CCB41-2F1D-4548-9857-3C5152434E36.jpeg

I took the second pic when it was halfway done. Tomorrow I am going to do the sidewalk up the side of the house - if I can figure out how to get the hose over there. I don’t know if we have a spigot on that side or not. I might be buying a second 100 ft hose to connect things up!

Now that the patio looks improved, I really want to get an outdoor rug and a bunch of plants to make it pretty - but it’s freaking September. I might buy a couple of mums but the rest will wait til Spring. I will be decorating for Halloween next week, so that will have to do. I have several bins of stuff from MisterMoonbeam’s storage to bring back and sort through still, so that will probably scratch that “new stuff” itch!

I am thinking of painting the front porch Sunday but I haven’t decided. It makes sense - the Box is closed and we can power wash it first. DarkKnight has play practice (he’s in Elf: The Musical) and he promises to bring homecolor samples tomorrow.


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Our new floor install in the overflow room is ongoing! Our volunteer who is doing it has worked for over 30 years doing floors and it shows! Yesterday he ripped out the carpet and ended up having to remove 2 big sections of plywood underneath because of a laundry detergent spill from a couple of years ago. He was just so methodical and exacting, and this kept me calm in spite of the $80 surprise - plywood is $40 a sheet. Thankfully we were able to crowdfund the additional expense in less than 30 minutes! Anyway, he left around 7 pm last night after covering the entire subfloor with glue. He’s coming back this morning to start laying the tile. Yay!!

I am up and down with all of the other projects we have scheduled. I am tired, y’all. My house is a disaster. It’s not quite as bad as Christmas, but both my kitchen and living room are stacked high with boxes and bins, of all of the donations that are usually in the overflow room. I know it’ll be set to rights on Monday, with my cleaning chicka coming on Tuesday, but it is making me unsettled!

Not sure if I shared, but our foster Momma is going to be fixed Monday. I have to drop her off at 8 am and pick her back up in the evening.She is still spooked and doesn’t like being held or even petted, though she will tolerate being petted if she’s cornered. I have had her eating baby food off my fingers, so she will at least come get that. The family who says they want her has yet to actually visit her, but I am hoping for that today.

I have the pest control guy coming tomorrow at 9 am, so I am hoping I will be home in time for that after the trip to the clinic with the cat. If not, I’ve talked to MisterMoonbeam and he said he would be fine with directing the dude. It won’t be a big deal because the company is the one we have been using for the last couple of years.

I am still not certain if I will get to paint the porch floor today. DarkKnight brought home paint samples yesterday but I think they were all interior paint colors - not sure if they can be used on the outside. The lighting hasn’t even been looked at inside the overflow room, and so haven’t yet put the window film on the slider. That said, the flooring guy fixed the door lock mechanism on the slider and said he was going to try a part in his workshop to fix the track issue we have been having. Yesterday MisterMoonbeam discovered that two of four hinges were missing on the sides - which had me overjoyed because we may just get this fixed! We’ve had prices from $3200 to $3700 to replace the entire sliding door section (it’s a custom size) so to have it get repaired for next to nothing is amazing!

I had some storage bins delivered yesterday for my overflow room closet Kallax, and I am excited to get those organized. Things are coming together, but slowly!

I need to shower this morning. I spent the night with MisterMoonbeam and we had some pretty good sex last night. It had been quite a while because he’s been in a negative headspace, so it was enjoyable just to feel connected to him in that way again. We are supposed to play JOTL today but if I paint the porch floor that definitely won’t happen. It’s difficult to decide whether to take some time off for fun or just push through. Honestly I might just cave and play board games. The porch has waited this long!


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I got like 4 hours of sleep last night - ugh, kill me now. I had to be up at the asscrack of dawn to take DarkKnight to work, so I've done that. I've gotta get my Momma cat into the carrier in a short bit, as she needs to be at the shelter clinic at 8:15 am. Then I will be trying to get back home by 9 am, so as to let in my pest control guy at 9 am. I have my amazing friend and volunteer coming over at 11 am, to eat lunch together and start putting the overflow room back together! The structure is there - DarkKnight & MisterMoonbeam got the washer & dryer reinstalled yesterday, and the 8 ft table in back inside, along with all of the shelving. The new floor looks amazing, and the $3000+ set of sliding patio doors have been completely fixed. I am in shock that that was possible, but our floor guy is a crazy good handyman and the doors seriously work better than when we bought the house and moved in a few years ago!


OMG I am so tired. Um, what else? I hope to get the privacy film on the windows in there today. Well, not hope. I have to get it done. The track lighting is not installed yet but that isn't in the cards for today. I am out of hours! In this pic, you can see Harry sitting on the shelving, Albus on the floor, Milton on the table, and Lenny is in the upper right on the floor. DarkKnight is bringing pizza home for dinner last night. lol

We played Jaws of the Lion last night again finally and beat scenario 4. It was really fun - we are enjoying the game and the connection the 3 of us have while playing it. Both DarkKnight & MisterMoonbeam always seem interested in playing and it's fun as a cooperative group. I am not sure if we will pull it out again tonight because I wanna crash right now, nervermind this evening! Probably not - I gotta pick up DarkKnight from work at 4 pm, then go to the bank and deposit cash for my son, and then pick up an order I made for new shiny rocks. Oh, and then back to pick up my foster momma from the shelter. Her new family did come and visit her yesterday - they are going to name her Charlotte, which I think is PERFECT.

I don't know what else I want to say here. I am too tired to form any more complete sentences.


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I'm fostering 3 cats right now for a family displaced by the wildfires. Their home is likely ok but not sure how long until they can return due to the terrible air quality and potential smoke damage. One came COVERED in fleas. The poor baby is much happier now that I've started treating them, but just that, work, and a little volunteering at the local shelter for displaced folks has me exhausted. I can't imagine doing all you do.


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I'm fostering 3 cats right now for a family displaced by the wildfires. Their home is likely ok but not sure how long until they can return due to the terrible air quality and potential smoke damage. One came COVERED in fleas. The poor baby is much happier now that I've started treating them, but just that, work, and a little volunteering at the local shelter for displaced folks has me exhausted. I can't imagine doing all you do.

Well, the Blessing Box is my full time gig - I don’t have a job outside of the home. I’ve built this into such a wonderful thing for my neighborhood and community - it’s my baby! So there is passion there; it keeps me going. <3


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I’m sooo hungry right now so this is going to be short. Lol DarkKnight is working from home today so I need to order us both some lunch in. MisterMoonbeam had to go into his office today to make sure that his people are ready for an upcoming audit - like he has to physically look and make sure that certain things are in place. He took the Fit, and I am not interested in driving his clunky minivan. DoorDash it is!

The overflow room is looking amazing lately. New floor is all done, I put all of the new bins in the Kallax closet storage, and a licensed electrician showed up out of nowhere and installed my track lighting for free! He had a helper with him, and together they also installed two wheelchair ramps.

Yesterday I had three volunteers appear (unplanned!) and they moved and unpacked almost all of the donations. Today I can take it kinda easy and focus on organizing things a little better. My next focus will be painting the ceiling (the new light fixture is smaller so I have a bit around it that needs done) and a second coat of paint in my sunporch. Once the sunporch painting is complete, I am going to hire my flooring guy to come and lay tile in there as well - hopefully by the end of October. I would do it earlier but I don’t know his schedule! I know the free job he did in our overflow space was spectacular, and he received at LEAST 6 referrals from me. Funny thing - when my pest control guy showed on Monday, he did all the spraying for free too, because he said he has received around a dozen paying gigs because of my referrals. Sweet! I also am going to contact the electricians and see if they will install the lights in my master closet. I would pay them though. Lol

The other projects I need to get done before winter include emptying and organizing our shed and the same for the remaining space in the basement. The shed is actually bursting out in one side because it is stuffed full of holiday donations and winter coats. Our Halloween giveaway is starting soon (every Sunday in October) so I will be pulling several boxes and totes out full of costumes and decorations, as well as the 7 or so tubs of winter coats. That should help a bunch! The basement stuff is all of DarkKnight’s displaced office things. We moved everything downstairs and dumped them in what used to be PunkRock’s unfinished art studio space. We did remove one of the tables and shrunk the area down to increase the size of our game room down there, and now it’s all neglected and piled high. Lots of paperwork management is needed!

Oh, and I also need to finish pressure washing the path along the side of the house this afternoon. Our lawn care peeps came yesterday and mowed, and chopped down my neighbor’s overgrown jungle that was once again encroaching on our side.

I am not sure how this ended up being a to do list but oh well. Lololol

What else? Kittens are doing okay - after I stop typing here I need to feed them lunch. My cleaning person is coming at 1:30 so I don’t need to do their litter or anything in there today. Momma did great with her spay surgery and should be adopted on Friday.

oh! Blast from the past! I had a phone call from JazzMan the other night and we discussed things that went wrong on our last date a couple of years ago. It was good to hear his voice. I am not sure if anything will come of it but I was happy to talk with him.


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Bluebird, I think you have the writing skills to write a book.

ha! I majored in Journalism/English in high school, but switched in college. Still minored in foreign languages, so I know my way around words. :) I mostly use my skills now to encourage others to give my Blessing Box donations! That said, I have one complete novel and one mapped out as well, but I haven’t had time to focus on either in many, many years. Maybe one day I’ll make the big bucks as a writer, but now is not that time. :) Thank you though!


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I had a good day today. I wore one of my new wrap dresses and felt quite curvy in it. The extra 15 pounds I am carrying suck, but I’m still me. I think once my Invisalign are back on in a couple of weeks, I will start losing weight. Ignore my hair - this pic was taken fresh from the shower!


The Box was pretty busy today, but my 3 Musketeers all came by and we had a lot of laughs while marking items and keeping things organized. I am really loving these ladies! Random bit of trivia - one of them told me today that she did mushrooms when she was younger but they weren’t worth the money! Lol Wild. I have missed having a tribe of friends - I lost almost everyone in last year’s depression and then Covid blocked my comeback. Some of my closest are still there, but it’s definitely a smaller circle. These particular volunteers are amazing and it’s been fun hanging out and working together on my personal baby, the Blessing Box.

DarkKnight & MisterMoonbeam took me to 28 South for dinner, which is always delicious. I had a fruity girl drink with coconut vodka and pineapple juice!

DarkKnight kept pawing at my tits all night and we had some good sex after going to bed. For some reason, I got hit with a wave of sadness afterward and he did his best to boost me back up. I’ve actually been feeling really positive and upbeat lately so I am not sure where it came from - but it did bring me down, that’s for sure. DarkKnight is snoring right now.

MisterMoonbeam has been noticeably depressed the last couple of days, as his wedding anniversary was yesterday. He talked a little bit about some of his memories of his wife, but I didn’t press him or push him or anything. He knew I was there and I gave him hugs when I thought it could help. He’s been throwing himself into the big annual audit at work so I have been just doing my own thing during the day and letting him focus.

Monday will be 6 months that we have been together, and I think that’s the thought that kinda dragged me down a bit. I love him lots but sometimes I get the feeling that he will be launching himself in another direction next year. Which is kind of okay, I guess? I knew when we started dating that he is still healing, and I don’t want to be an anchor. I would love for him to be happy, even if it doesn’t involve me in the future. On one hand I think he’s really the type of guy who needs a foundation to feel good, but in the other, I want him to go and have freedom and do crazy shit. I don’t necessarily want another husband - I don’t trust that anyone who comes along will be right for that, honestly. I am the block with that. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like giving that much intimacy and trust to someone right now is beyond me. However, at the same time I still feel kinda weird having a nesting partner who isn’t tied into my household’s goals and dreams and stuff. I say that, but it’s not like MisterMoonbeam isn’t already involved with a lot of it.

I’m not sure if words exist at this time of night to talk this through.

Tomorrow should be busy. It’s Fresh Food Friday and I forgot to go shopping tonight, so I get to take DarkKnight to work and keep the car. Ugh. 6 am sucks. My momma foster kitty is being adopted in the afternoon- here she is with her cone inverted. Be still my heart!


She is still super shy, but she lets me pet her now and purrs, and greets me when I come in the room. I am so happy she got a home! Her new name will be Charlotte. The babies have to wait at least another week to be fixed due to the surgery scheduling. I’m irritated because they are ready to go too! Oh well. I have another teen volunteer coming in tomorrow to hold kittens. I’ve had one almost every day this week!


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Today was a good day, but it was VERY busy. I had to take DarkKnight to work this morning at 6 because I forgot to go shopping last night. I not only got Fresh Food Friday produce, but I bought stuff so he can make my birthday cake (carrot cake from scratch) and he also wants to make homemade spaghetti sauce tomorrow. After I brought stuff home, my neighbor had set up her trash can with a small boombox on it, and she had Meatloaf playing nonstop. Of course she was nowhere around. Apparently she was trying to do something to upset me? She chose the wrong artist - my senior year of high school summer, I was a live in nanny and the mom played him constantly. So it was like a trip back down memory lane. Or would have been. I had to go out to the shelter for Momma cat’s adoption paperwork so ai wasn’t there for apparently the first 3 hours she was playing it.

The shelter was great, not only for the paperwork all ready but they gave me a huge bag of dog food for the Blessing Box. So that was cool. I came home and got it all in order and posted a couple of things - I was doing a giveaway all day long of some Advent baby bottles and I was scheduling my spaghetti meal giveaway for Monday, so that meant people had to sign up today. I actually still haven’t contacted everyone who had their number pulled. It was that busy!

Ugh gotta break here. Will write more in a bit.


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Looks like I abandoned my last post. I have no fucking clue what I was going to write about now. Lol

I got my shed straightened out yesterday, and everything in nice neat boxes. It’s all donations for the Blessing Box - Halloween, winter coats, Christmas decorations and Easter baskets. There was a giant wasp nest in there - gah! It was good to have all of that taken care of.

I got my period today, oh joy. I need to boil my DivaCup, so I am using tampons right now. Lame.

Today DarkKnight, MisterMoonbeam & I went to ClueIQ in Frederick and played the Crane Manor room. We went over the time, but we ended up winning like 4 minutes later. They let us finish because it’s a 75 minute room, and it’s me at for at least 4-5 players. So we would have definitely beaten it in time if we had more people. At points we were running back and forth down the hall between the rooms and we were asking for help just to have someone else to write down the clues we found. I guess we need a bigger polycule! This escape room was my birthday present to myself. The last one I did here was when I was dating both CornFlower and SirGawain, and both PunkRock and DarkKnight came along as well. PunkRock ended up ruining everyone’s good time because he was grumpy and out of sorts for some unknown reason. I was excited to play with two people today who were having fun! This was actually MisterMoonbeam’s first time at an Escape Room. He was good at the puzzles!

Me & DarkKnight:


Me & MisterMoonbeam


We came home and I bagged up all of the stuff for my spaghetti dinner giveaway tomorrow, and I folded laundry. Now I am waiting for MisterMoonbeam’s sheets to come out of the washer.

This week is going to busy, but no busier than normal, I don’t think. Next weekend should be fun because MisterMoonbeam’s old metamour and his wife are coming to Hagerstown just to visit us. I love this couple!


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Ugh. Awake early. I have stress this morning.
I have a couch delivery gone wrong this weekend - the donor sent along bedbugs - but thankfully the furniture never made it into the recipient’s house. However, it’s sitting in their driveway and I have to figure out how to get it removed. My regular peeps have issues with their trailer that won’t be resolved until the end of the week, unfortunately. I am going to call the city waste department and see about scheduling a bulk pickup. If that doesn’t work I am going to have to post and see if so can pay to get it disposed of that way. Gah!

Also today I have 26 bags of spaghetti dinner ingredients to move out of my home, and I have 3 volunteers (my 3 Musketeers!) coming over to help sort through an insane amount of donations that arrived this weekend. I also am trying to lock down a teen volunteer to come hold kittens in my foster room.

Because my birthday is tomorrow, my cleaning person is coming this afternoon. For my birthday, I plan to give away cupcakes to my Blessing Box visitors, so I have to go pick those up after I close today. I bought them from a local lady who makes sweet treats in her home. We’ve purchased other things from her before and they were all amazing!

I have to go grocery shopping as well this evening. We’re out of orange juice and milk and lemonade.


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My birthday went really well. I gave away my 2 dozen cupcakes, much to the delight of everyone who received one! I had my favorite 3 volunteers here all day, and they banded together and each gave me a card with cash. They said they wanted me to buy a pair of gray booties that I sent back with my Stitch Fix order! I was really shocked and a little out of sorts, honestly. I felt that they shouldn’t be giving me money! I accepted it though - they were so happy and excited.

Actually, I was really surprised at the support that both the visitors and supporters of the Blessing Box showed me yesterday. I got 2 balloons, a fat stack of cards, a vase full of wildflowers and $120 in cash! I am going to buy booties, but I am waiting to see what my next Stitch Fix order brings. Of course my first reaction was to think about buying something for the Box, but my volunteers were distressed at the thought, and everyone else who gave me a card told me to spend it on myself. So I am going to try.

My kids came over in the evening and I paid for subs from Jersey Mike’s, and they voted to do a Karaoke battle, which I ended up winning. (I’m pretty sure they let me win because I am not that good.) Both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam competed too - and I have to say that was so wonderful! DarkKnight always sings, but when I was with PunkRock, he always 100% refused. I make sure that no one who is uncomfortable feels like they have to play, but he was always so damn surly about even hanging out with the family, so it was a welcome refresh to have MisterMoonbeam participate. He was anxious about it, but his voice was amazing!

DarkKnight made me a carrot cake from scratch as he does every year, but this year he gave me a woven bracelet as well. It did give me a little hitch emotionally, but I was okay. I also got the board game Villainous - which I was a biscuit away from buying myself recently, so I was excited to get it from my youngest and her boyfriend. Bug Girl brought me two bottles of my favorite wine, and then ordered me another Echo Dot while we were all hanging out, for my bathroom. My son didn’t buy me a gift, but that was okay. He’s been broke lately with Covid and I haven’t been able to even SEE him, so it wasn’t something that bothered me.

MisterMoonbeam had ordered me Gloomhaven!!! Unfortunately, it arrived in a brown box with the name of the game emblazoned on the side, so I saw it when it was delivered. The fact that I saw it before my birthday made it easier to process it in my mind, but then a day later two more packages showed up. He said one was an expansion and the other was...I forget. He never actually gave them to me - they just sat in the living room in a pile until I said something about putting them away until my actual birthday, and then he took them into his office and they never came back out. I feel really confused about that, to be honest. Y’all know I went to therapy about being able to accept gifts on my birthday, and I don’t know what to do about this or what he meant by doing that. I didn’t actually get the gifts from him. I feel weird and a little anxious now. Like, did he change his mind? Did he not really mean to buy them for me and now regrets spending the money? I don’t know how to address this sort of stuff at all.

I heard from my sister yesterday - she hadn’t called me since Christmas. She wanted to know if MisterMoonbeam had moved in with me. Uh, yes. She was very disparaging but I was happy to hear from her, regardless. Both my mom and my nephew called me as well.

Overall it was a good birthday.


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Just ask him. There's no need to play guessing games. If he changed his mind, he can explain.


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Just ask him. There's no need to play guessing games. If he changed his mind, he can explain.

I actually did. Can’t post right now but I will later! :)


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DarkKnight came home for lunch because I needed the car today, so when I drove him back to work I told him how I was feeling, just to confirm that yeah, I’m being wonky. He and MisterMoonbeam had discussed my gifts prior to my birthday. He told me that he thought it was something to do with MisterMoonbeam and not me at all, and that if I wanted, he would check in with him.

On the way home, I thought about it, and I didn’t like the idea of DarkKnight being a go between at all. I didn’t think it was okay for him as a metamour to do that sort of stuff. So when I got home (I had lunch with me) MisterMoonbeam came over to the living room so we could eat together, and I asked him what happened?

He told me he was upset with Amazon for shipping the game in a clearly marked box, because he had indicated to them it needed to be hidden. When it arrived and I saw it on the porch, he was concerned that I wasn’t prepared for it and that I might have a negative reaction. So he was just unhappy that it could have caused issues and that the surprise was spoiled.

At that point he brought it inside and just left it by the door, and then the next day, two more packages arrived. He was still upset, so that’s when he blurted out to me what those were. Then he regretted it later but you can’t fix that. So he just abandoned the presents there for me to look at, every time I was in or near the living room. Which is often.

Until I asked him what his intentions were, and then he picked them up and set them on the floor in his office, where they sat until tonight.

MisterMoonbeam said he thought about bringing them out last night, but then was worried that he’d look not so good in front of my kids, for not wrapping the gifts. But he thought it would be silly to wrap them since he had already told me what they were and I had seen the main gift already. So he was kind of paralyzed with indecision, but then the night was full of activities and he just didn’t make a choice either way.

He definitely didn’t do it to fuck with me - which I knew, but my brain weasels were saying otherwise. My ex husband fucked with me for 12 years surrounding gifts for all occasions, and it is difficult to overcome the twisted thinking I have about them - how people give them, expectations, etc. It’s just a big ol cloud of gaslighting.

I did have 6 months of therapy where I talked with a therapist about it and I think that’s why I did finally have the courage to ask MisterMoonbeam about it myself. I really DID know how to deal with this, because that’s what the therapy was for. I just was chickening out. So I followed the little checklist in my brain that I was given, and after taking time to breathe and get calm, I just asked. I never did ask my ex - I would just feel stupid and unworthy and cry when I was alone.

I’m glad I asked and we had a talk. I opened my presents tonight and I feel very loved. I also am proud of myself for doing that.

I understand that maybe most people would see this as a very stupid issue to have, but it’s overwhelmingly real for me. And it was important enough that both DarkKnight and PunkRock and WarMan all spoke to the therapist and asked him to work on the issue with me! Out of every topic, they thought that was important. It does still obviously effect me though, so I can’t say they were wrong. And this is now an instance I can point to, to where focusing on what I learned in therapy actually helped.


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I’ve been messing around with different divination and tarot decks lately. I paid for the Wildwood Tarot on my phone, but I recently bought the Druid Animal Oracle from a friend and that’s been resonating more often than not. I did a 3 card reading on my birthday and it was really on point.


(The first card represents the motivation behind a situation and event.)

“Frog signifies joy, delight and healing, and leads to a refresh and renewal. Nothing is what it appears to be - life is more fun than you first supposed! There is a hidden beauty and a hidden power in all of nature, and as you open yourself to this you will feel close to both the earth and to water.”

Right now I feel upbeat and positive, and to read about the frog and the joy it brings - I can’t wait! My bestie in NY told me that she thinks I should “add instead of subtract” moving forward, and I agree! My plan is to go on an easy hike - a nature walk - once a week, and keep a photo journal. The Frog card shows that this is a good plan. Whoo hoo!

(The second card represents my answer at the emotional, social or relationship level.)

“Raven marks the death of one thing, which gives way to the birth of another. The power of the raven can also bring you the very deepest form of healing, and will give you the possibility of resolving conflicts that you have been struggling with in your past.”

I am hoping to move forward with both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam as nesting partners, and continue to heal my heart following my break with PunkRock. The Raven is a strong positive card and I feel really happy and full of both light and love to see it in this spot.

(The third card represents its effect at the physical level of manifestation - in the body, or the concrete, tangible world.)

“The Adder offers healing and transformation. It represents our ability to die and be reborn. Both sexual energy and a graceful journey through life are indicated.“

This one made me laugh. Apparently my sex life will be rejuvenated in the coming year. I’m not going to complain!

Overall, this was a very positive reading, and I was excited to be 43.

I did that reading actually on my birthday. Tonight I found myself an emotional mess. It’s the end of my period, and I’m feeling fat and unloved. I have been very depressed about RBG’s passing, as she was a personal hero of mine, and tonight I was reading news articles and everyone is writing about Trump’s replacement. I can’t stomach it. I am also stressed out because last weekend a donor gave us a couch full of bedbugs and it’s been moldering outside the recipient’s house, and I haven’t had a way to get it moved. Finally, tomorrow morning, MisterMoonbeam and my son are renting a truck and carting it off to the landfill. I am really anxious about getting it gone, and I feel terrible that I have to have them both get up really early and do this. I feel helpless about it, as I really can’t come up with other options.

Anyway, I am just feeling exhausted and emotionally drained, and I was looking for a specific photo of me on my phone, when I realized I was in 2019’s pictures. I started seeing PunkRock and I, and found myself checking to see if I could find when he stopped loving me.

This was not at all conducive to improving my mood. I stopped and went to fold laundry, and then I sat and cried and listened to Linkin Park’s song, “Heavy.” Twice. Ugh, even my sadness is fucking sad.

MisterMoonbeam brought me an empty basket and then saw my distress and gave me hugs.

I decided to do another reading -
Why did he stop loving me? Why am I not loveable?


(The first card represents the motivation behind a situation and event.)

“The Hawk, drawn reversed, suggests that you could be paying too much attention to detail. Being precise and “hawk-eyed” can be valuable, but taken to its extreme and without a wider overview, it can lead to cruelty. Be careful not to get carried away by the justness of your cause, while forgetting to take into consideration the feelings of others.”

So, apparently I need to stop trying to find the “needle in a haystack” - that single pivotal point when everything changed. There probably wasn’t one. He was always struggling with mental illness, active addiction and his own issues. I couldn’t fix him. He had his reasons, and they weren’t all because of me as a person.

(The second card represents my answer at the emotional, social or relationship level.)

“The swan brings us the qualities of the soul - of love and depth, grace and beauty. Love is entering your life.”

Oh! I am loved. I knew this, but the swan reminded me.

(The third card represents its effect at the physical level of manifestation - in the body, or the concrete, tangible world.)

“The hind, drawn reversed, may be warning you to be less self-effacing. Rather than adapting yourself, like a chameleon, to the perceived demands and expectations of those around you, you may need to become more assertive.

Do what is right for me, not for my partners. Be me, not what I think someone needs me to be. Ask for what I need and take the time that I need.

I feel a bit better.