Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Nothing like having to pee in the middle of the night and then not being able to fall back asleep. Ugh.

So yesterday my living room furniture was picked up and hauled off. It was even worse out in the sunlight - I should have got new stuff way earlier! DarkKnight ran the robot vacuum and got the floor all clean now that half the room is empty. Apparently he didn’t do by the litter box in that room though, so I am going to do that once I am up in the morning. The real morning - not this 2 am garbage. Lol The new furniture is supposed to be delivered 11:30 am - 1:30 pm.

Yesterday MisterMoonbeam went into work early for a meeting with his director - she’s his boss’ boss. Well, he was so UP and wired that he drove back home immediately afterward, called me on the way, and then was so energetic and effusive in the afternoon - I hadn’t seen him boosted like that for quite a while.

Apparently his boss is leaving in September after the big audit they do every year. The director basically told him the position is his if he wants it. The lowest raise this would come with is $12,000 a year, and with his knowledge base, he’d probably be looking at a $30,000 boost. The salary range for this position extends up to about double what he is making now. He’s already over six figures a year so the numbers are just stupid.

He says he has a lot of imposter syndrome going on, but does admit that he thinks he could be effective in the position. He started his master’s degree program this week and has his first paper due this weekend. Apparently the degree is in leadership and this position perfectly aligns with his goals with his degree.

I am so very excited for him! We talked in the evening about what this would mean for his debt and our day to day, and he was really jazzed and wired. So much so, that when it was after dinner he fell asleep in bed, drooling on me and snoring. At one point he threw his hand out in a dream, knocking my phone out of my hand and launching it directly into his face. So then he woke up crying and rubbing his face, shouting “sorry, sorry” and being very confused.

Lmao it was cute and he was more startled than hurt. I actually gave up on having an overnight with him because he was clearly completely wiped and I left him to sleep, and went down to be with DarkKnight. I felt a little out of sorts about it because Friday night here, DarkKnight and I are having a date night and a sleepover because we will be leaving for Pittsburgh early for our weekend together on Saturday. So I probably won’t be sleeping with MisterMoonbeam again until Sunday night. So I was bummed to miss out but it was clear he was drained. All the excitement and emotional processing had him just passing out with no energy left!

I was also sad because I discovered that OldSchool unfriended me on Facebook. We’ve been friends there before we dated, for like 5 years. He told me several times that he wanted to remain friends but it’s been radio silence since he bailed on our date, so I am not entirely surprised. However, I really have no real clear reason to why he suddenly flip flopped on every single thing he told me.

My thought is that after telling me he wasn’t getting back together with his ex, they actually did. And she didn’t want him maintaining contact. Which is understandable. I don’t know for sure though, maybe he just freaked out or something? Whatever.

I actually wasn’t thinking about him or hung up on him or anything, so I was shocked when I saw him posting on our mutual friend’s page, and seeing his profile pic different. I clicked on his name and then discovered he had unfriended me. I was like, uhhhhhh. Okay. It made me sad, even though I hadn’t thought about him. Feelings are weird. I wish I had some clear closure here, but we literally only had two dates, though we had been texting every day for quite a bit.

Anyway, I was in my feels and with MisterMoonbeam snoring away, I texted DarkKnight and he invited me down for a snuggle. We talked briefly, and then he read to me (as he does) and I fell asleep. Now that I am awake here in the middle of the morning night, I find that it isn’t bothering me anymore. Still, I thought I’d write it down.

The other thing that made yesterday emotional was that the little 9 year-old girl that passed away a little over a year ago - her mother came by. I hadn’t seen her since the death, and my post about her went viral. She immediately started crying when she came up to me, and we hugged. Her 4 year old son was with her, and I gave them both a freeze pop because it was crazy hot and they had just walked like 2 miles to come to my house.

They stayed for about a half hour. They got food from the Blessing Box, and some board games that were in the toy bin. I had texted with her on Wednesday, and she picked up a set of the books that I buy frequently in her daughter’s name. (I put them in Little Libraries around town with a “In Memory” sticker in the inside cover.) She talked about both keeping some of them, and taking her son to put them in other libraries herself.

So yeah, that happened. It definitely had me feeling topsy-turvy.
That new job prospect is extremely exciting. Fingers crossed for him!
You seem so very conflicted about Sir Gawain. I'm sorry it's so confusing with him.
You seem so very conflicted about Sir Gawain. I'm sorry it's so confusing with him.
I have been conflicted. He is very difficult to read, because he’s just not forthcoming about so much. I do know 100% that I love him.
I had a wonderful date night with DarkKnight on Friday, and we came back home early enough that I was able to have a sleepover with MisterMoonbeam. I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up sharing with him the emotional instability I had been feeling the day prior. Apparently it was more intense than I had previously thought, once we started speaking.

Honestly, I had to apologize to him on a couple of points. Our entire relationship, he has been open and has offered to be even more open with me. Financially, with future planning, with family and such. He’s been all in. As much as I love him and have loved him, and said that I would marry him, I’ve not actually made tons of space for things to move forward. Like, he’s involved in discussions but I don’t actually follow through. I am talking but not doing, if that makes sense.

I told him I haven’t been fair, because I still have trouble trusting him. He hasn’t done anything wrong at all, but with the process of buying a building, talking about moving, I’ve found myself keeping him separate. At least it feels that way. I acknowledge his offers of, let me pay for that, I’d like to invest in that, be included, etc, but then I just keep bopping along with my own plans.

One thing in particular being, he’s still just paying rent. Though he’s made overtures here and there of being included in bigger purchase conversations and such, I don’t let him expand into those parts of my plans. In our talk on Friday, he acknowledged that it was a positive thing in the beginning, because he was still in a vulnerable place with the loss of his wife. And well, it’s smart to not jump into that sort of financial enmeshment immediately, on both of our parts.

That said, he says he is 100% in with me. He is there for me, I’m his life partner, and he wants to integrate our future even more. This is something he feels he’s already decided, so I need to accept that and stop questioning it. Or, if I keep questioning it, let him show me. He said he absolutely wants to be my rock, like DarkKnight is, and that with this upcoming potential promotion, he wants to contribute more and build a future with me.

So I told him I wanted him to really think about that this past weekend, while I was out of state with DarkKnight. To make sure he really meant it. Then I went to Pittsburgh and had an amazing time without him. Lol (I’ll make another post about that later!) To skip over that part, when we reconnected yesterday afternoon, I asked him if he had made a decision, he acted really confused and didn’t know what I was talking about!

He told me that he didn’t need to think it over while I was gone - that choice was made and that I was being silly. He’s here and he’s showing up and he wants to be there in the future. He wants to put this promotion and raise into our LLC account, and build our forever together.

Like, wow. He then spent the afternoon holding me while I slept (traveling is exhausting!) and last night he and I had a good sexual connection. It was all about me, and I feel ashamed on some level, that it’s been hard for me to believe him.

But this is my lifelong experience. I have attachment issues and it’s never the guy’s fault at the base of anything. How I connect is wonky. However, more damage was done with PunkRock and to have someone tell you that they’ve been faking and lying for a year while they’re in therapy is some fucked up shit. So yeah, I’ve made improvements over the years but I’m not following through with MisterMoonbeam. Things were difficult when I found out my ex-husband was actively lying and cheating. Wanting to have closeness with MisterMoonbeam, but I was still keeping him at arm’s length when it came to our future, even as I teased him and said I wanna get married. Because on some level I did, but I actively did not include him in my life plans, which is in opposition to everything I said I wanted.

Anyway, we are going to have a State of the Union by October. I never had one that included MisterMoonbeam before. When I type that I feel bad. Like State of the Unions are how we plan and make sure that we’ve got common goals and everyone is included. I’ve not included him. He’s been in discussions but I’ve not had him involved in the practical planning of our future. I’ve deliberately kept him separate.

I’m shitty. I don’t like to read that, but it’s time for me to acknowledge that I’ve been kinda keeping MisterMoonbeam in a static place because it felt safe and comfortable to have us love each other but not be fully integrated. Like, it’s not required. But he wants this escalator, and I really do too. I just needed to figure that out for real.

I guess that’s enough rambling.

Here’s a pic of DarkKnight downtown on our date night Friday. He’s lost 74 pounds total. He’s got a lot of saggy skin so he doesn’t look as skinny as he could, but holy shit am I loving his body! He went from a size 52 waist to a 46.

This weekend we were in Pittsburgh, at the Zoo, for their Asian lantern festival! It was amazing! Anyone in the area - it’s continuing until the end of October so I definitely recommend it. We did the zoo during the day and then returned for the nighttime lights. While we were there, DarkKnight bought me 3 different dinosaur stuffies, so I was happy. In the pic below I only had two - he bought me the triceratops in the set on the way out. Lol



And here is me today! I’m in Frederick tonight with SirGawain.

Yesterday was my day off, but I spent it fairly busy. DarkKnight took off of work - well, he took a long lunch, yay for salaried positions! - and met me downtown to look at two different buildings. One was a definite no, but the other could work for us. We are hoping to get in again on Friday morning with our donors and if they like it, make an offer.

I’m back open today but after this I’m closed for a while. I’m headed to Arizona on Monday with MisterMoonbeam again.
Thursday was the busiest day at the Box that I’ve had for a long time! I was tired but I went to spend the evening with SirGawain. We had a delicious dinner out and watched a few episodes of House of Cards. We did end up having sex and it was really good. Yay!

Unfortunately I forgot to set my alarm this morning and I was late getting home to see DarkKnight before he left for work. I ended up laying down and falling back to sleep until after 12 pm! MisterMoonbeam & I went to lunch together at Red Robin, and I picked up a pair of leggings from Torrid I had ordered.

When DarkKnight got home, he was talking about how he should probably make an appointment at the eye doctor, so I encouraged him to do that. They had an opening in 15 minutes, so I went with him. $500 later and he has new contacts on order. We got the eyeglasses prescription, so he can get a new pair online for cheaper.

After that, I took him back to JCPenney and he has lost even more weight. Seriously, this man is 🔥🔥🔥🔥. He’s now in a 44, down from a 52 waist. He was a 5X, now in a 3X. And still going! I love just looking at him.
😈 😈

I spent the day today in Western Maryland, hiking in state parks over that way. DarkKnight went with me and it was a fun time - both the drive and the time in the woods together.


I’ve now hiked in 39 of the 64 State Parks in Maryland!

Last edited:
So I mentioned our “State of the Union” event, and I am starting to gather the info for that today. Ugh. I hate the math part so much but it’s definitely something I enjoy doing overall, because it really centers me. With it, my nesting partners and I can focus on what’s really important as far as short term and long term goals, as well as see where we are at right at this moment.

The first part I do is that last part - what money is coming in, what is going out, where is it being spent, and how can this be improved?

Today I snagged all of the info on our phone services, and started that same process on our streaming services. Already there is definite room for improvement!

Here is the nitty gritty on cell phones:

😁DarkKnight: $60/month - owns iPhone XR, 128GB
😁Bluebird: $80/month - 13 payments left on iPhone 12 Pro, 256 GB
😁MisterMoonbeam: $140/month - 13 payments left on Samsung Galaxy S21 Ultra, 128GB

Right now, DarkKnight & I share the “Unlimited Starter Plan” through AT&T. This is unlimited data, 5G access, and we each have a 3GB hotspot (which I think we’ve used once or twice?) for the price of $60/line. I also have to pay around $27/month for my phone itself. However, I receive a $10 discount for automatic withdrawal and paperless billing. So our bill each month is around $150 with taxes and fees.

MisterMoonbeam is on a “Magenta Max” plan with T-Mobil. This is unlimited data, 5G access and a 40GB hotspot. It also comes with free Apple TV, Paramount+, free Wi-Fi on American & Delta flights, and a year of AAA for $90/month. He also pays around $33/month for the cost of his phone. So his bill is around $141 with taxes and fees.

Right away I see that we could save substantially by cutting MisterMoonbeam’s plan from the highest tier to the lowest if he stays on T-Mobil. He doesn’t need a huge hotspot, and his “unlimited” data plan isn’t being utilized - he uses less than 15GB of data each month. Dropping down to the lowest plan will save him like $60/month!

He also had no idea any of those extras were ones he could take advantage of - he is currently paying for Paramount+ separately, and I personally pay $20 for Apple TV. So we will look into whether the lower tier plans offer tie-ins like this, or if it makes sense for him to stay higher (I don’t think it does at a quick glance). He doesn’t currently have AAA, but I do, but I only ever use it to help Blessing Box clients! I will definitely look into comparing costs. Oh, and he’s not enrolled in autopay - so doing that will lower his bill by an additional $5.

If we pay the $430 he still owes on his phone though in total, enroll him in autopay and drop him to the lowest plan, he will save almost $100/month! We also talked briefly about maybe porting him to our phone plan, if that makes sense, because AT&T seems to have better coverage in our area.

So yeah, I snagged a bunch of numbers on this today, but I have more research to do on it. Not a bad start, at a glance though.

I also started collecting info on our streaming services. This one is a web of nonsense and confusion, because we all pay for different ones, and share with different individuals. If there is a streaming service that exists, I think we subscribe! I personally pay $20/month for top tier Netflix, and DarkKnight let me know that I also pay $20/month for Apple One. I didn’t know, but apparently he got a new card and in the interim, he switched that payment to my account! Lol That covers Apple TV, Apple Arcade, extra iCloud storage and Apple Music.

I haven’t checked on anything else yet but I know someone is paying for Peacock, Hulu, Amazon Prime, BritBox, Vudu, HBOMax, some sort of YouTube premium service, Paramount+, and maybe 4-5 others? I also pay for Amazon Music but I couldn’t tell you how much it costs. I am questioning though why we need to shell out for both Amazon Music and Apple Music! Ugh.

Just wanted to share the process. This is just the start. :)

I need to stop typing now and start packing. We are up at 3 am tomorrow on our way to Arizona!
I spent the day today in Western Maryland, hiking in state parks over that way. DarkKnight went with me and it was a fun time - both the drive and the time in the woods together.
Saw the start of this post and the voice in my brain said "Show me your map!" You didn't disappoint. Well done!
Saw the start of this post and the voice in my brain said "Show me your map!" You didn't disappoint. Well done!
Ha! I love my map.
Yeah it's awesome indeed. A photo montage vid with the map progression interleaved with pics of your hikes would be epic I reckon. Maybe you've already dreamt of this...
I’ve never even thought of this!
Saw the start of this post and the voice in my brain said "Show me your map!" You didn't disappoint. Well done!
I also want to say, hiking in all of these parks has been wonderful. It’s such a bummer that I have to shut down for the summer because of my auto inflammatory issues, but it’s always such a treat when it’s in the 70s and 80s again and I can venture out. I’m not a hardcore hiker, but being able to meander in nature is good for my mental health. It makes me so happy!

I am here in Arizona again and I desperately want to go explore, but it’s 105 with an excessive heat warning today. Instead I am going to spend the afternoon at the Musical Instrument Museum and the rest of the morning looking at paperwork.

I discovered that I am paying $20 a month for Netflix, MisterMoonbeam is paying $7.99 for Netflix, and he also has a free subscription through his phone service. What in the fuck. 😂 I really need to get access to his bank statements and pull out all of this nonsense. That won’t be today though - I am going to spend like an hour setting up the outline of the report I write and get some details in there.
It’s our last full day in Arizona and I spent it sleeping in and ordering breakfast in bed from First Watch. MisterMoonbeam’s audit ends at noon and he thinks he’ll be done with the day soon after that, so I am going to get up in a bit and take a shower and dress. We are hoping to visit a cat cafe today and maybe do an escape room. We haven’t managed to hit the pool yet either this week - it’s too hot here!

I have managed to plug a lot of numbers into our State of the Union paperwork, but I really need to sit down with MisterMoonbeam and get the rest of his information from him. Once I get ALL of the facts down, then it will be time for figuring out what needs to change. The planning part is actually the fun part! :) Specifically I have a lot of insurance & retirement stuff to work out, and the streaming services part of things is still a mess.

MisterMoonbeam put me in a pentagram chest harness again yesterday and it was great. We are going to an Intro to Kink event tomorrow night with my bestie and her Poly partner, and staying in a hotel with them after. Should be fun. I’m looking forward to getting tied up. Lol Even just having a practice knot on my arm calms me in a way I can’t explain!
Last edited:
I’m not sure if I mentioned it or not, but MisterMoonbeam’s boss is leaving at the end of next week. He found out about it a few weeks ago, and he’s now been meeting with the director - his boss’ boss - to plan what’s going to happen at that point.

Right now I guess they are waiting for HR to come back and let them know what the process is. Originally it was that MisterMoonbeam would be bumped up to acting boss for 3 months and then be named the actual boss with the appropriate bump in salary. Now however, it looks like they’re going to skip over the acting phase and just put him into that position. He’ll be in charge of the entire department and it’s looking like the minimum increase in pay is $1000 a month. He doesn’t think they’ll offer the minimum - he could be looking at $2000-$2500 extra a month!

We are all very excited for him, and we are leaving Arizona in a positive mindset, because the tasks he was dealing with here were all successfully completed. Next week at his DC office will be the busiest of the year, but he’s ready for that as well.

I’m so very proud of him!
Today is day 4 of my period. Ugh.

I had a lot of fun at the Intro to Kink event on Friday night. There was an entire station where a guy was selling impact items, and MisterMoonbeam had me up against a nearby St. Andrews Cross and he tried like, a lot of them out on me, to see what I liked. To be honest, I was kinda surprised. I definitely don’t like sharp pain or stinging pain. That was expected. Lol I’m not a masochist. I definitely enjoy attention-getting slaps and thuds. My favorite were the floggers! I had never tried any, thinking I wouldn’t like them, but the majority I was extremely excited to try out.

We ended up buying a shorter size flogger, with medium-thickness suede strips. I love it SO much. Like, so much so, we went back later in the evening to ask the guy to make us another so MisterMoonbeam could dual wield. 😆 He said he’s always enjoyed them because they remind him of poi! It was interesting to see him try out the different paddles and such - he DEFINITELY liked the floggers best himself - I could see it in his face and the way he held himself. The guy is actually going to make us a new matched set! I’m stoked to get them! He said it would probably be after September though.

I got to go topless and wear a chest harness most of the night, and I got bent over a bench and paddled quite thoroughly, though I am not sure paddled is the right word when it comes to floggers? Anyway, since I was on my period, I didn’t do anything involving penetration and I was sad about it, as MisterMoonbeam had packed some stuff for that sort of play. He absolutely was okay with me asking him not to do anything because I felt self-conscious about it. I appreciated that. He’s a great partner. ♥️
I am extremely stressed out and I honestly wish I could just grab a flight and leave the state for the rest of the month.

MisterMoonbeam has work in person the next three days, as he completes his company-wide audit and wraps up the busiest two weeks of his year. His master’s degree program has a big paper due this coming Sunday, with his regular Wednesday and Sunday assignments due as per usual. Once we got home this weekend, he disappeared into his office and was reading, watching lectures and laying down words as fast as he could. I’m honestly so proud of his work ethic, but I’m floundering and he has no spoons for me at the moment.

Last night in the middle of my emotional dip, I actually went and hung up his laundry and washed his comforter so he didn’t have to worry about things.

Meanwhile, DarkKnight continues to be my love and my rock. He knew I was having issues and he held me for a good hour on the couch, and then again in his bed (two nights in a row) as I cried and tried to kee my shot together. Even so, I didn’t fall asleep last night until after 2 am and I am DRAGGING this morning. I just showered and fed the cats, and now I’m drinking chai and trying to be ready for my 11 am open time. I have to hit the ground running this morning.

I have no idea when I will see SirGawain. I feel like he could honestly not care less when he sees me. He’s stressed even more so than normal about his job, and we just don’t see each other. This week MisterMoonbeam has the car while he’s in Dulles the next three days. Thursday night my bestie and I are attending a munchy sort of event on Thursday night, which SirGawain refused to attend, based on the fact that his abusive ex has RSVP’d and attended in the past. When I pointed out she had t said she was coming to this event this time, he sort of verbally shrugged and said so? Friday night is the monthly Nexus event at the Playhouse and I am THERE for that for my rope time with MisterMoonbeam. He said he is looking forward to it and bought a new length of rope to do my harness better.

Saturday morning I am meeting my bestie, and my entire polycule is going to the Pagan Pride Event in Frederick, followed by lunch out. I had on the calendar that I was going to sleep over at SirGawain’s, but apparently he has an appointment to get a haircut on Sunday so he won’t have time to wake up early and drive me home.

The polycule has tickets to the Ren Faire on the 24th, but it’s my birthday being the 22nd that has me incredibly out of sorts. I honestly threw up last night; it has me so emotional. I’ve asked each of the guys separately what the plan is, and they all sort of shrug and dodge the question. I can’t handle not having something planned - like they KNOW I have such strong negative reactions and I’ve told them that leading up to this day, and none of them have discussed it? Or at least gone rogue and added themselves individually to my calendar? Like, I just literally can’t keep it together and their callousness over this has me literally sick to my stomach. Honestly, I am thinking of booking a getaway alone and just getting in my car and driving away next week. It’s my issue and if they don’t care enough to say a few words to diffuse this, I need to handle it myself. I’m in the worst headspace I’ve ever been in and I need to do something. I kinda wanna pop a Xanax this morning but ai know I’m going to be nonstop busy in a couple of minutes so I will get through without it.
Being struck with a flogger, you just call it being flogged. I love flogging too. It doesn't (have to) hurt much at all to be fun. They look scarier than they need to be!

I'm sorry you're not feeling well.
Last edited: