Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

We just stopped for lunch.(MisterMoonbeam and I) on the way home from Richmond. Our hotel stay was free due to points, so that was sweet. We had a good time at the play party last night.

I actually went in and immediately felt some sort of way. I wasn’t into any of the people at a first glance, so I ended up just connecting with MisterMoonbeam. We had fun times together and he didn’t introduce anyone into our shared play. At one point he had me in a body harness with my hands in cuffs on a St Andrew’s Cross, a plug in my butt, and he pulled out a vibrator used it on me while pulling on my boobs. I not only orgasmed, I squirted all over the place, holy shit.

I was embarrassed but it was dark in the dungeon space and it wasn’t horribly noticeable, though I am sure some people did. (We did sanitize and clean up after - me and the equipment/space.)

Overall it was very enjoyable.
 
We did share with our triad friends about my ultrasound results. It was actually the first thing one of them asked about when we met up for dinner. It was interesting to me that their response (the two we met up with) was to immediately say I should get a job as a teacher, and then have the new school district pay for everything.

I was a little taken aback, because I never thought that their answer would be to accept a job and then immediately go out on extended leave for surgery! I thought that was crazy unethical. I guess, yes, the entire situation is unethical - that our country is set up to make insurance companies richer - but I never gave taking advantage of our school district (or other company) a single thought. It would have a direct impact on children in our community. No way!

What was also surprising to me was that my NY bestie reached out last night, right before midnight. She said she’d thought about it, and she thought that I should request that DarkKnight pay alimony, since I don’t have a job. I told her that the plan was to dissolve everything as quickly as possible legally, but that he and I were staying together otherwise! I don’t need alimony from him. She said, well life is fucking weird and shit happens.

No. Just no. I would never, ever request anything from DarkKnight with this. I feel horrible to even having to contemplate this and if it comes to pass, I feel it would be gross disrespect to not only divorce him but require him to pay me anything. He’s not looking for a way out - I am.

I’m so sad. These sorts of responses from people who are supposed to be closest to me hurt my heart further. If they don’t understand me, how can anyone else?
 
I agree it would feel unethical to me, too, to take a job and very quickly go out on medical leave. However, if you are able to wait until the end of the school year for a hysterectomy and the insurance plan would cover the medication you need for diabetes, it's not a bad backup plan. I actually have a friend who drives a school bus just for the health insurance.

I'm really sorry you're in this position. We need universal Healthcare but it seems we're further away from it than we were 10 years ago. I hope you get good news from the insurance company and the medication works for you
 
I agree it would feel unethical to me, too, to take a job and very quickly go out on medical leave. However, if you are able to wait until the end of the school year for a hysterectomy and the insurance plan would cover the medication you need for diabetes, it's not a bad backup plan. I actually have a friend who drives a school bus just for the health insurance.

I'm really sorry you're in this position. We need universal Healthcare but it seems we're further away from it than we were 10 years ago. I hope you get good news from the insurance company and the medication works for you
I will find out on Friday what my timeline is going to look like for everything. DarkKnight has been super sweet - he told me he doesn’t care if I use up all of his HSA just doing the preliminary testing, he doesn’t want me to put off anything if it’s critical. I am so very lucky to have partners who care so much!

Honestly though, I don’t have the credentials currently to be a teacher. I taught high school level lab science to homeschooled teenagers with my own educational business for 7 years, but I’d have to go back to school to qualify to do anything officially again. I know there are waivers and such. I was burnt out by the time I was done, though that was like 6 or 7 years ago?
 
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I had a date day today with TheEngineer. He bought me lunch at RadPies and we went thrifting. Fun!

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I had terrible sleep last night and I am terribly depressed today. I’m home alone and that always sucks. So far today I’ve emptied two litter boxes and done two loads of clothes. I also spent an hour dating one of the globes I bought yesterday (November 11- 25, 1975). I forgot to feed myself and the cats lunch, so after I write this I will get my shit together and give my babies some food.

I’m going to take down the wreath and candle blow molds, and the little tree I bought for my front stoop too. MisterMoonbeam took down the lights already.
 
I ended up doing none of the outside stuff today. I sat on the couch and watched all 4 episodes of You Are What You Eat: A Twin Experiment instead. I did empty 5 litter boxes total but the other 2 will have to be done tomorrow at this point. Also did 5 loads of laundry. I’m waiting for the last one to come out of the dryer right now.

I’m going to have to shower and get dressed tomorrow. At some level it’s good I have things on my schedule, otherwise I’d just sit and wallow and cry and be depressed. Tomorrow night I have a dance lesson with MisterMoonbeam. We are going to sign up for a month’s worth of lessons so we will be good to go for the dances at Mythicon in Gettysburg, come February.

Friday is my doctor appointment. My MRI is scheduled for the 11th, though that may end up being canceled. I had a call today and I now have an appointment on the 17th with a new gynocologist. They will be in charge of this entire process, so I am hoping they are good. I’ve not had a good experience over the years with this particular practice. I asked the receptionist and she said the most important thing is that my test results and scans arrive from the ultrasound prior to my appointment. She said if I have to reschedule the MRI, that won’t set me back any, because maybe the gyno will want to schedule other things with that. But, if I do have it done, it won’t be an issue because that will just give them more information to go off of when planning my procedures.

So okay then.

I also got a call from a specialist who wants me to sign up for a 6-week course about Living with Diabetes. I gave her two different time slots (Monday nights or Friday days) and she’s going to get back to me. DarkKnight is going to go with me if it ends up being Mondays, as he is pre-diabetic. Or he has been in the past. MisterMoonbeam wasn’t on their list, and he has his college Photography course on Monday nights anyway.
 
I have an appointment next week with a new therapist. I have a friend who has a private practice and I asked her to find me a poly-friendly person and she put it out on her network. Within 10 minutes she had two names for me, one here in my town, and one in Frederick. I reached out to the in-town person and I’m now good for a free initial consult on Wednesday. I hope we are able to connect. I’ve gone to so much therapy over the years, it’s insane. Mostly good. But this is an entirely new situation for me, so hopefully it will be helpful.

I had a fun time tonight at Dance, with MisterMoonbeam. We refreshed our Hustle, and learn the basic step and two turns for Swing, and the basic for Salsa with one turn. We were hopeless at Salsa and just laughed and laughed. I love how he looks at me when we dance together. ❤️

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I did get to see DarkKnight before heading out on my date with MisterMoonbeam. It was literally for like 5 minutes, but it was nice. He has play practice tonight for his role in Bonnie & Clyde in February. We had a sleepover the last two nights in a row, since his practice will probably go late.
 
Yesterday was a reminder to me at how small the world is!

A dude on Facebook friended me from a poly page that I follow. He didn’t reach out, but his posts started appearing in my feed on the regular. Apparently, he’s been going through a lot - he had a house fire a while back and his metamour died in it. Apparently it’s caused him a lot of deep grief and depression. He was asking for assistance with some chores and things, including painting.

I looked to see where he was located, and it’s honestly not that far from me. I started scrolling his page and laughing at his memes, checking out his photos, and reading old statuses. Y’all, one of the rooms he was painting he called the “LordTenderHeart” memorial room.

Record scratch. Wait what? Apparently PunkRockAwesomesauce’s younger brother was this guy’s deceased metamour. To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. I reached out to the guy and he was shocked as well. I could tell the fact was surprising to him and he immediately started trying to work through this connection.

I hadn’t thought about LordTenderHeart in like, ever. Apparently after being in and out of rehab for alcohol, he was arrested for freaking out on a partner, and then ended up in a mental institution. He met a woman there, and long story short, he moved in with her and her other partner - this guy. Apparently they then lived together for several years.

I am SHOOK. At the beginning of my relationship with PunkRock, I lived with him and his brother part time, and I had discussions with him about being poly. He always said he didn’t understand it and couldn’t ever do it. Well, according to this guy, he struggled with the concept but he was very much a part of their lives and love.

I was also told that LordTenderHeart was very genderfluid and had been exploring his identity. This made me happy for him, that he had found a place in life to try and figure himself out.

This guy was very excited to have talked to me. I apologized a million times for breaking up his Thursday with this, but he said it actually brought him good feelings to have heard from someone who knew LordTenderHeart, and to have that name spoken, because he still means so much to him and his partner.

He told me what was up with PunkRock’s dad & stepmom these days, and told me he only knew of PunkRock “by reputation.” Not sure what that meant, but I definitely didn’t want to go into any details. In fact, I was like, in no way, shape or form do I want to get entangled in this connection.

Still, it caused me a little bit of grief. Not only had I stayed in LordTenderHeart’s house, he’d lived in mine while waiting for a rehab placement, and we took care of his pet then too. I was sad to hear his pet died in the fire from smoke inhalation as well.

Anyway, it made me feel some sort of way all evening, and today as well. It’s just so crazy that out of a group of like 20,000 people, I’d get friended by someone who had this significant person in their lives who was once connected to me.

I will not be pursuing this dude romantically or in a friendly way, at all.
 
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That was a strange connection. One thing-- did PunkRock's brother die in a fire, as his pet did? Was the fire in this FB guy's house? It wasn't clear.

Good luck with the new therapist.
 
That was a strange connection. One thing-- did PunkRock's brother die in a fire, as his pet did? Was the fire in this FB guy's house? It wasn't clear.

Good luck with the new therapist.
Yes. He was home alone and died from smoke inhalation. LordTenderHeart was living with this guy and their shared partner, but the two were out of town when it happened.
 
So today’s doctor appointment was not helpful. I don’t feel like I have a solid plan and that’s what I was really hoping for this afternoon. Instead I just got tears and frustration. My meeting was with the resident again - she had a conversation with me, went out and conferred with the doctor, and then came back with the verdict.

I honestly really like her. She’s called me twice after hours on her cell, and continued to try and really help me. I appreciate that. I just wish there was more good news to share.

First off, my blood pressure was elevated - but I was insanely stressed out and anxious. She said my last visit saw it normal, so they aren’t going to medicate yet still. They’re just going to continue to monitor it, and I should keep checking it at home.

I also had my weight loss continue to be the same as the last visit, which was good since I had actually gained a couple of pounds over Christmas break! However, due to the timing of things, they didn’t see that increase last time I guess. So it just looked the same. Here at home I was 202.

The insurance is still refusing to pay for Ozempic or anything like that. They also have declined again to pay for the glucose continuous monitor. Right now the cost of these things is one of the main drivers of me getting on MisterMoonbeam’s insurance - his will cover it 100% after the deductible. DarkKnight’s won’t cover anything yet, and even if they did okay it, it isn’t applicable to the deductible, so we’d be paying the copay out of pocket - which we don’t know what that amount would be.

Anyway, this fact makes me feel pretty hopeless. I was really focused on that maybe it would go through with the appeal, but nope. However, I am now going to try something called glyburide. It legit costs $2, so of course my insurance will cover that. Fuckers.

Anyway, she was really clear that she didn’t expect it to work without side effects, but that the insurance company will cover it and when I start experiencing issues, I can then complain and have a better shot at another appeal. I am aggravated at this but my period is due shortly so if it causes that sort of side effect, at least I will know right away.
 
I’m having trouble posting. Ugh! Anyway, here I was yesterday. I just added an entry but it’s after midnight now, so this was Friday, which is no longer today. Lol

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I wanted to write more about my uterus. I had some stuff wrong in my mind and had mixed up some results from my ultrasound. The resident set me straight on it.

There are different types of fibroids, and I have all of them. I guess for me they are like Pokémon. 🙃 I’ve got so many, my uterus is misshaped, and enlarged. “Heterogeneous” is the word on the report, and the fibroids inside of it can’t be accurately measured. Neither can ones around the back of it, which is why they want the MRI.

The one at the top - “the fundus” - is as large as the uterus, and it’s exophytic, which means it’s stretching out toward the other organs in the area. They want to get a better idea of where it thinks it’s going. lol There are two at the bottom of the uterus which are just as big - and one is massive. Those are “submucosal,” which means they are bulging into the uterus and distorting its shape, especially the one which is larger than the uterus. That one is about 9 cm in diameter, which is like the size of a fucking grapefruit.

I have a bunch of smaller ones on stalks and apparently they just give up listing them because they couldn’t accurately size them. They’re just a bunch of overlapping and bulging shadows? Idk. They didn’t show me a picture, but she said I could google and I found some charts. This page isn’t let me share them but this link has a drawing of fibroids to look at.

Anyway, after all of that said, my MRI is getting canceled. It’s $1700 and if I am going to get on MisterMoonbeam’s insurance, that’s the freaking deductible. Right now I can postpone it for a bit to see how things progress with the new meds and the gynocologist I am going to see said that was fine. They’ll definitely want one though, so it will be happening in the next few months regardless. Just not next week.

One thing I am a little happy about is that apparently my belly bulge is probably not all because of cheese danishes, but in fact pressure from all these fucking growths. So the hysterectomy will help that to flatten a bit. Also, some of the lower back pain I have may also be attributed to these things. Gah!

I’m still an emotional mess though. I can’t make a decision with the divorce yet. I’m still really hoping that the insurance will cover the diabetes medication or maybe even this cheaper priced stuff won’t give me side effects. I’m holding out hope on that. With the doctor visits I’ve had and the ultrasound and the radiologist cost, I’ve spent around $1500 already this year. DarkKnight’s health savings account is around $3000 (not $4000 like I thought at first) so if I have the MRI we will then have to figure out how to pay for the endoscopy coming up and whatever other tests the gynocologist will want. Plus the hysterectomy itself, and all medications and other health stuff this year until we reach his deductible. It’s doable. If the medication works, we can just get on payment plans on some of that. It’ll be $5,000. Maybe we can stay married.

I cried so hard today. I’m so conflicted. It’s hard to know what to do. MisterMoonbeam says we will just keep making each decision the best we can, and if one of them was wrong, that’s okay, we will work through it. But I can’t divorce DarkKnight to marry someone who doesn’t want a wife. This goes against my heart so much.

But if it’s the $5,000 and then the medication doesn’t work, and we have to pay an additional $12,000 to cover it ourselves - or if the copay on the injectables adds more $$$$ to our total, that’s a problem. We are going to talk about it more tomorrow. Racking up our credit cards doesn’t make sense when we can make it all just disappear with MisterMoonbeam’s insurance.

I need to sleep.
 
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Another freak show uterus drawing. Gah! One good thing about waiting on the MRI is maybe they can see how fast these fuckers are growing. My ovaries look clear and normal so l am hoping to keep those. My cervix is probably leaving though, given its state.
 
My fibroid uterus was successfully removed last year...very much like yours, it was just FULL of fibroids, including one giant one. It/they were pressing on my organs, especially my bladder, causing me to need to pee every hour like a pregnant lady.

My uterus weighed almost 5 lbs when it was removed. (A normal non-pregnant uterus should weigh less than a quarter pound, if that).

Everything about my life got better when it was out. Including sex! I didn't even realize how intercourse had become uncomfortable for me due to the fibroids...they had grown really slowly.
 
My fibroid uterus was successfully removed last year...very much like yours, it was just FULL of fibroids, including one giant one. It/they were pressing on my organs, especially my bladder, causing me to need to pee every hour like a pregnant lady.

My uterus weighed almost 5 lbs when it was removed. (A normal non-pregnant uterus should weigh less than a quarter pound, if that).

Everything about my life got better when it was out. Including sex! I didn't even realize how intercourse had become uncomfortable for me due to the fibroids...they had grown really slowly.
Thank you for sharing this with me! What sort of hysterectomy did you get and what type of surgery? You can send a PM if you’d rather not share it here. I am very interested in hearing about how other women have fared. How long was your recovery?

I have felt uncomfortable the last few years with sex, at times. I have painful pressure in some positions, but thankfully all of my partners don’t mind switching around during the deed, and usually they will do that without prompting because we’re up to acrobatics or whatever. 😂
 
I’m kinda stressed because I’m trying to decide whether I should attend Poly Living 2024 or not. I’ve always wanted to go, and Philly is not that far. At $200 a ticket though, it gives me pause. MisterMoonbeam and I are still discussing it. Since their content continues through Sunday at 5 pm, he would probably have to take both Friday and Monday off of work, and then we’d have 3 days of hotel - so total for the tickets and stayover, it’s $1000.

They finally posted the workshop topics along with the presenter information, and that works out to a lot per session. I don’t know if I’d pay over $100 for “Pagan Polyamory.” However, we both agree that the real value is making new friends and connections within our community. So IDK. Of course there’s the food cost as well, which in Philly, won’t be cheap.

With everything else going on right now, it’s a lot. I could pay for my ticket right now out of my regular spending cash for the week without worrying about it, but I’m not sure about MisterMoonbeam. We’d book the hotel on our 0% credit card and then I’d need to look at the budget to pay it off over the next 3 pay periods. It’s doable, but it’s a stretch when we have so many other financial stresses right now.

Plus, we’ve got Mythicon already booked and paid for the exact following weekend. So we’d come home Monday from Philly and then leave for Gettysburg on Friday. We’re expecting Mythicon to cost us a lot more because we are there to shop! lol Also, I haven’t purchased my outfits yet for the events over that weekend.

Yeah, I am leaning toward giving this event a pass.

In other news, I have terrible cramps today. My period was due yesterday and I think it’s telling me that it’s time. 🎶 Let’s get ready to rummmmmmmmble! 🎶

I’m now not sure if it will be a good test with this new medication, if my period has already started when I’m first taking it. I guess we will see how it shakes out.

I’m waiting right now - TheEngineer is coming over to play board games with me and imma order DoorDash. Not sure what yet. Maybe subs. DarkKnight just ate - he’s got practice today until 6 pm and he’s leaving in a minute. MisterMoonbeam left and came back just now - we had to restock all of our birdseed and corn and peanuts.
 
I had a fun gaming date with TheEngineer. We played MegaCity: Oceania and Guillotine. He may or may not be meeting me for dinner on Wednesday night in Frederick. I’m going there after my therapy appointment, as I’m taking a recurring Wednesday night “Intro to Wicca” sort of class.

After he left, I went and snuggled with MisterMoonbeam in his room, and then we moved to my room before having sex. Then DarkKnight messaged and he was coming home early with groceries, so MisterMoonbeam left to go help with that.

When DarkKnight arrived, he came in to talk with me. He let me know he did more research and discovered that his insurance will apply medication costs that they don’t cover, toward the deductible. So that’s kinda nice. It means we will reach the deductible quicker. That wasn’t really an issue though. He seemed to think that meant that after we reach the deductible, the insurance company would then cover the medicine 100%. I’m like no, it means everything else would be covered, but they’re still not going to give us money toward something they deem unnecessary. He seemed to understand that reasoning but he said he will check.

This made me depressed and now I’m laying on my bed naked from the waist down, snuggling a stuffed dinosaur. I feel tired and incredibly alone.
 
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According to this chart, I am currently growing a peanut, an apple and a grapefruit, as well as a crap ton of peas.

Gross.

I canceled my MRI and then I cried a little. I was so stressed about going. It’s good to put it off, anxiety-wise. My GYN said they didn’t need it for this visit, but they do want one. I have horrific cramps today and I just can’t imagine laying flat for any sort of time period.

I haven’t got my period yet, but it is definitely coming! Ugh.

I’m home alone today and so wish I wasn’t. I’m going to get out of bed in a minute and hit the bathroom and then eat breakfast. I need to shower but because I’m here with no one and I need to do more decluttering in the basement, I might wait on that til later.

I had a fight with my bestie yesterday over text. I basically told her I can’t be her friend right now. Her asshole partner went to my Facebook page (he and I aren’t friends there) and he commented a puke emoji on this photo year-in-review post I made, that had one picture for each month in 2023. I made it as a positive thing. I was like, wtf is up with that, but I ignored it. And then three days later, he came back and commented that my bestie wasn’t a part of my “whore cadre.”

Out of fucking nowhere. I sent her screenshots and asked her what was up and she was like, I don’t know, he’s insecure, he feels threatened by my poly ex. I’m like, uh ya think? The fact that she’s with someone that feels comfortable calling me a whore on a positive post is nutters to me. Right now I need nothing but love in my life and that ain’t it.

He’s isolating her and he’s crazy controlling and she hasn’t been to my house in almost two months, so I just made it easy and said, I’m done and I can’t be your friend. She has done this more than once with dudes she dates and I am over it.
 
Thank you for sharing this with me! What sort of hysterectomy did you get and what type of surgery? You can send a PM if you’d rather not share it here. I am very interested in hearing about how other women have fared. How long was your recovery?

I have felt uncomfortable the last few years with sex, at times. I have painful pressure in some positions, but thankfully all of my partners don’t mind switching around during the deed, and usually they will do that without prompting because we’re up to acrobatics or whatever. 😂
I have no problem posting about my hysterectomy...it was a total hysterectomy. Removed the whole uterus plus the cervix and the Fallopian tubes. My ovaries remain in me, doing their thing.

My uterus was too gigantic to remove laproscopically or vaginally, so it was taken out with full abdominal surgery. The idea of abdominal surgery definitely scared me, but it went totally fine. The incision was VERY long because my uterus was so enlarged--the scar goes all the way from my pelvis to above my belly button. But it healed fine and is very faint now (the surgery was in April 2022).

I was worried about the removal of the cervix...like I had never really thought about my cervix before. But, I was worried, like, it's connected to the vagina so do I need it to feel like myself? Is it involved in sex or orgasms maybe? Would it hurt to have it gone?

And the answer was...no, it didn't hurt at all to have it gone. Sex is BETTER without my cervix there (deeper penetration can happen without the cervix getting banged into). My orgasms are unchanged and still excellent (the muscle contractions of an orgasm did not involve the cervix). AND I never have to get a pap smear again. Cannot get cervical cancer!

My recover period was 6 weeks as mandated by the doctor, but I felt pretty fine after 2 weeks. That was 6 weeks in which I could NOT have sex at all (no penetration) because the surgeon stitches up the place where the cervix was connected to the vagina and you do NOT want anything to go wrong with those stitches healing. I was not allowed to drive or lift things during those 6 weeks, most for the incision/stitches to heal.

I have to say, I had very little pain during my recovery. I just took Advil and Tylenol in a prescribed rotation for a week and did not need anything stronger. The mild pain was mainly from the incision and stitches healing. I didn't feel any internal pain--honestly all my organs felt like they were rejoicing to have those giant fibroids gone. Any recovery pain was nothing compared to what my period cramps had felt like.

And, within a week or two, I was very, very horny (meaning I felt pretty healthy and well). So that 6 weeks without sex was LONG! I did not have any orgasms at all during those weeks because I didn't want to contact the muscles and mess with the stitches, although my doctor thought it would probably be okay after the first two weeks as long as there was no penetration at all.

I was constipated for a few days after the surgery, which was the most annoying side effect, and I had to take a laxative that resulted in weird gross poops that were hard to clean myself due to my lack of dexterity/turning my torso while my abdominal incision healed. A handheld shower hose was helpful for that!

My abdominal incision oozed little drops of blood for a few days, which was normal but I found disturbing. Similarly, my vagina spotted drops of blood for a few days (from the stiches that closed up the end where the cervix had been). That was normal, but made me nervous because I had to watch out for increased blood which could mean the inner stitches had ruptured which would mean emergency surgery...that never happened, it was fine.

And I shall never again have a period. Never again even slightly worry if I might be pregnant.

The only complication I had was that I spent too long enjoying resting propped up on pillows in bed...it hurt my neck to the point that I needed physical therapy on my spine and neck muscles. Now I sleep very flat and my neck is better!

Because I was able to keep my ovaries (which the surgeon thought would happen but wasn't sure until she performed the surgery), my hormones are normal and I will still go through menopause in the future (but without any period stuff). It's been a little strange to have a monthly hormonal cycle but never to be quite sure where I am in the cycle because I don't get a period...like when I feel very horny and energized that's usually around when I ovulate, and if I feel in a "low" mood it's usually when I'd be having my period...but it's hard to be sure.

In fact I was on hormonal birth control for so long that going back to my body's natural hormonal cycle has been a big change. Mainly, a huge increase in my sex drive (or rather, my sex drive had been lower during the 16 years I spent on hormonal birth control, and now I'm back to the hormonal cycle I had in my early 20s before I went on the pill).

Seriously though, it is great to be able to do some sex positions that were uncomfortable when my giant tumors were in the way!
 
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