FWB at a standstill: What the hell just happened?

[Bunnielight]

*I KNOW THIS IS VERY LONG. IM SORRY ABOUT YOUR EYES*

Cuba and I have been seeing each other with benefits for about 6 months now. When we first began, I disclosed what this means: Honesty, Trust, Communication.
I would love to have something more than FWB, but I enjoy his company either way and like to make him feel appreciated.

Over the course of the months, we talked pretty openly. About everything. It was nice to actually see that side of him because I know it is rare for him to show.

Then last Friday he came in town for a comedy festival and stayed in our home.
The first night of the festival is Dean's scheduled night, so I went with he and Cuba to the festival. We all seemed to have a really good time and things didn't seem so awkward.

Saturday morning we woke up and I came from across the street at Dean's house and we all had breakfast together: Zed, Dean, Pixie, Cuba, and I.
One would think that I would be brimming with happiness, but Cuba was quite....non-responsive to my affections that morning.

That evening we all went to the festival where he seemed pretty normal. Happy and fueled..I had decided that I may invite him to mine and Zed's bed if things feel right. I didn't want to say anything, in case it didn't. But it was an idea Zed and I discussed prior and he was open to it.

Zed and I got home from the festival and waited on Cuba....
and waited...
and waited...
We waited until 3am for him to get back to the house.
And around 4am, he fell asleep on the couch with 3/4 glass of absinthe in his hand.

I woke him and told him I was going to bed. Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Went to the guest room where he was sitting on the bed, starring at the wall.
I go over and hug his head, give him goodnight kisses, and start to walk away. But I could tell by his grasp on me that he wasn't expecting it. He reached out his hand, so I turn for another kiss and get... his cheek.
He's starring at the wall.
So I rub his face, kiss his cheek, and breakaway quickly.

And return to my own bedroom with Zed.
"That was weird. What just happened?" Zed could tell something was wrong but that was all I could say, really.


The next day is Sunday and the last day of the comedy festival. I talk to Cuba in the morning and things were...slightly awkward. Until I brought up coming to see him. We made plans for the first weekend of December. We would have a whole day to spend together.
He seemed much less awkward once those plans were made. He asked me to come out to the festival that evening and seemed really happy about it. He left the house pretty quickly to venture the town with other comics, though I expressed I wanted some time to get food with him at some point. He agreed, but later told me last minute when he was with friends. There wasn't really a way for me to get there in a timely manner and not stall everyone or call attention to myself.
I told him I would just see him at the festival.


That evening I got to the festival and he had saved a seat for me. But that's where the sweetness sort of ends.
He was very cold to most of my affection that evening. It was like I wasn't there. And the few times I was acknowledged, he would give me a pat on the knee..that was the extent of his affection that evening, even though I was there with only him. It didn't really make a lot of sense with his level of affection previous nights...

And then I see a girl walk up and hand him her keys. And walk away.
But not just any girl, the same girl that raped him(also has a history of STDs). Nothing was said. Just the exchange.
A good friend of mine witnessed this, knowing this girl's history and called him out before I had the chance to shake my shock.
"I knooooowww." He responds at first, and then defensively jumps to "I have a soft spot for helping people." Apparently he took her keys and told her he would give her a ride home. In a bar full of drunk people, it's his rapist he decides to help?

I retreat from the situation and mingle toward the patio for a cigarette for a while. Should I react? What right do I have?

After a bit I realize what time it is and go back inside to find Cuba. I see him sitting and walk up and kiss him and hug him. I let him know I was going home, and I requested him to text me when he made it back home. He smiles big as though the request makes him happy, kisses me again, and agrees to.

It's now been a full week and I haven't heard a thing...the only interaction we have had was him 'liking' a very depressive post I made a few days ago.

I have so many mixed feelings about this, but the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm not comfortable with this anymore. I feel like all he cares about is the sex. And he really doesn't seem to care what I think one way or the other.

But I anticipate hearing from him around the time we had planned together asking if I'm in town. I don't feel safe with him anymore and I feel like all those mixed signals are super shady...
I'm not really sure how to respond to this when I DO hear from him. Do I remain cold? Do I ignore him altogether?

*AGAIN, IM SORRY ABOUT THE EYES*

 

[KC43]

It sounds like he's shut himself off from you.

It also sounds like his behavior, particularly with the woman who raped him, is not acceptable to you and is hurtful.

You're questioning and wondering and going back and forth about what to do and why this is happening... but I think you know the answers. Despite how good things have been with him previously, they aren't good *now*, and given your previous post about the situation, they haven't been good for a while.

I know it will hurt, but I think it's time for you to walk away, or at least take several steps back and reassess. He isn't treating you in a kind, respectful way, and that means he doesn't deserve a place in your life. At least not the place he's had.

 

[Tinwen]

KC43 is probably right, however, my impression reading your post now was that perhaps something has happened he just isn't comfortable telling you. And now because of that he doesn't know how to approach the relationship. But I always tend to search for appologies for peoples behaviour.

 

[Leetah]

I am always in favor of letting people explain their mysterious behavior if they care to, as long as the behavior is not so heinous as to warrant cutting them off without a word.

Leetah

 

[GalaGirl]

I thought in your other post you decide to break up with him and let it all go?

He does not appreciate you in the way you want. You don't like the mixed signals. And now you do not feel safe around him.

If he asks if you are in town? Could keep it simple: "We are broken up. We don't hang out."

Don't bother telling him if you are in town or not.

Galagirl

 

[Bunnielight]

I thought in your other post you decide to break up with him and let it all go?

He does not appreciate you in the way you want. You don't like the mixed signals. And now you do not feel safe around him.

If he asks if you are in town? Could keep it simple: "We are broken up. We don't hang out."

Don't bother telling him if you are in town or not.

Galagirl

I haven't bothered contacting him. Primarily because that's what I've done pretty much every time. I wanted to see how long it took him to acknowledge his own promise. Which I don't anticipate happening until he questions me on the time I claimed to be in town.

A scenario in which I don't know if I will be able to contain my level of anger and frustration at his blatant disrespect.

And I don't know if that's a good thing. I've been encouraged by my friends to stand up for my integrity but I'm trying to see the grey area here because I can't see far past the "fucked up"

 

[GalaGirl]

If you do not feel safe around him you just don't. There is no grey area about that. Keep away.

He can question, but you don't have to answer the phone, the email, the text. Just don't bother. In fact, block him and then you don't have to deal in it.

Be ok being angry and deeply disappointed with him. Share those feelings with people other than him. Vent with them.

If he pushes your buttons and won't leave you be? Blow up, tell him to stop. Report it to the cops.

Could let go of this want:

I wanted to see how long it took him to acknowledge his own promise.

Rather than focus on his behavior and what he is doing or not doing?

Focus on YOUR behavior and make yourself un-dingable by his behavior either way.

• He's suddenly keeping promises now and behaving respectfully? No skin off your nose -- he's nowhere in your orbit, you do not care to know. Does not apply here.
  
• He's keeps on breaking promises and behaving disrespectfully? No skin off your nose. He's nowhere in your orbit, you do not care to know. Does not apply here.

I know detachment takes time and this is all pretty fresh for you. Continue to detach.

Galagirl

 

[Leetah]

Bunnielight, is there any chance that Cuba is depressed? I was just going over articles on the effect of depression on relationships and it was reminiscent of his behavior. Even the seeming happy around others but indifferent to you. The self disrespecting of associating with his rapist also sounds like someone who is depressed. You mentioned at the beginning that he tended to get involved in bad relationships. If he has a tendency to depression (a comedian with depression? Gee, how unusual!) he may feel he does not deserve to be treated well.

Just amateur armchair psychologizing by someone who has been kind of over exposed to depression literature lately.

Leetah

 

[Bunnielight]

Bunnielight, is there any chance that Cuba is depressed? I was just going over articles on the effect of depression on relationships and it was reminiscent of his behavior. Even the seeming happy around others but indifferent to you. The self disrespecting of associating with his rapist also sounds like someone who is depressed. You mentioned at the beginning that he tended to get involved in bad relationships. If he has a tendency to depression (a comedian with depression? Gee, how unusual!) he may feel he does not deserve to be treated well.

Just amateur armchair psychologizing by someone who has been kind of over exposed to depression literature lately.

Leetah

Yes, actually. This is one of the things he has opened up to me about over the course of the past few months. A couple of times, his depression has been brought up by him and I've talked to him about it, tried to give advice, pet his ego (completely truthfully, as I saw him as a wonderful human being with a heart too big for his own good, lack of communication aside). He even went to Zed on one of Zeds bad days and talked to him about his past troubles, and even annotated the fact that our relationship and friendship (mine and Cuba's) has helped him with his depression drastically.

This is another reason I am so confused. I can't help but feel I may have done something for him to pull back and I have no idea what it was.

 

[reflections]

I can't help but feel I may have done something for him to pull back and I have no idea what it was.

Can you ask him?

We can hypothesize all we want through our computer screens, but he's the only one who could provide you with an answer. And if he chooses not to answer, then YOU can walk away knowing you did all you could and keep yourself healthy in all this.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Honestly, reading your initial post, my impression was that Cuba was struggling with some internal turmoil that had nothing to do with you - which may have precipitated his interaction with his rapist, which may have exacerbated the turmoil. Sounded to me that he was withdrawing for his own reasons, reasons he is not able to share with you currently, perhaps because he is not yet done processing them himself?

 

[Leetah]

And depending on how his depression manifests he may not be able to tell you why he is behaving as he does, or his reasons may seem nonsensical. Even if he has opened up to you before he may not be able to now but not because of anything really to do with you.

Leetah

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bunnielight,

Sorry about how Cuba has been acting. His recent behavior has been very strange. You may want to keep your distance from him while you are feeling angry toward him. Take a break from the relationship with him for awhile, maybe a few months. See how you're feeling at the end of those months.

I fear that if you ask him to explain his behavior, he will give a somewhat flippant answer that doesn't line up with the truth. For some reason, he seems to be hiding/avoiding. One reason perhaps to break up with him permanently. Something to think about.

I hope you'll get feeling better in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bunnielight]

Broke up with Cuba last night.

I didn't really know how else to start but had reached a point where I could not sleep or focus on anything. I finally shot him a text message:

"Would I be completely off base to feel like we're on two different pages right now?"

He responded by saying he wasn't really sure what page either of us was on, so I told him I felt a lot of awkwardness from him. I felt ignored and like I was forcing affection he didn't want and I wasn't sure why or where it came from, especially after his lack of follow through on the text.

He said what he usually does "I'm sorry, I do that a lot." And confessed to feeling awkward, but that he didn't know where it came from.

Eventually, he got around to telling me that he was fine and feeling it for a while until he got around everyone (note: our town, Zed's comedy scene instead of HIS OWN comedy scene) and felt like they knew everything and became very self conscious. I asked him who prodded him about the situation and he said no one, it was all in his head.

At that point we pretty much summed up that our time together was over.

He was okay when I was the mystery girl. And I'm really not okay with that. I can't be intimate with someone who wants to hide what we are.

I feel his reasoning was quite vague, though somewhat understandable. I'm fighting with a sense of frustration because I know his actions don't really add up to his excuses because of the previous issues, though I know he doesn't see it, nor is there a point to bring it to his attention.

And there's also a sadness knowing that he does have depression and this will likely affect him more than he will show anyone. It was me he came to before but now I cannot comfort him in the way I aimed to before.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry. Break ups are not fun.

At that point we pretty much summed up that our time together was over.

FWIW, I think it is a good thing you both could acknowledge that. Now you can let it be done. Hopefully you will feel better in time.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[reflections]

Sorry to hear about Cuba. Be kind to yourself as you grieve. It does sound like you and he made the right choice for both of you. Take care.

 

[KC43]

Sorry it ended that way, but it's good that both of you were able to reach a conclusion. You definitely don't deserve to be someone's secret.

As to his depression, yes, the break up might give him problems. But--and I know this is going to sound harsh--they're *his* problems. You did what was right for you, and from the sounds, it was also right for him. Hopefully he will reach out to one of his other friends.

 

[PinkPig]

I'm sorry, Bunnie ((Hugs))

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry about the breakup Bunnielight. I think it was for the best.

 

[Bunnielight]

It was confirmed tonight that he did leave with the girl he claimed raped him.

I'm not even angry on a jealousy level. I'm angry now that he put me and my whole family at a health risk and that he was never going to tell me.

I'm struggling now with the idea that he has no idea that I know the level of disrespect that he showed me and in any other previous relationship, I would have torn him apart and handed his ass back to him.

I'm boiling this evening.