Gender roles

Sweetheart

Sweetheart

New member
What are the roles like in your relationships? Who works? All or both of you? Only one of you? Who stays home with the kids, if anyone? Who does the cooking or cleaning? Do you find yourselves imitating gender roles modeled when you were young, or have you broken away from what you were taught?

In our own relationship, we have an almost total traditional gender role reversal. We joke about it almost daily, and take a lot of flak from conservative co-workers, parents and in-laws. She is the breadwinner, and acts like a typical "guy" (as she puts it), whereas I am a stay-at-home dad and do all the cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, etc. She often refers to me as the "mom."

The usual remarks we get are that I need to get off my ass and get a job, and how mean & irresponsible I am for forcing her to work. What's interesting is that if she stayed at home and I worked, no one would have a problem with it.
 
Sweetheart said:
What are the roles like in your relationships? Who works? All or both of you? Only one of you? Who stays home with the kids, if anyone? Who does the cooking or cleaning? Do you find yourselves imitating gender roles modeled when you were young, or have you broken away from what you were taught?
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I really wasn't taught any gender roles at home. We only had a mother in the home, so she had to do most everything. I'm the only student in the history of my junior high to have checked out The Joy of Cooking (for almost three months). I took crafts classes and power mechanics, both.

I was a stay-at-home dad for a short while after moving once, while searching for a job. My first wife wasn't skilled at much of anything, so I taught her how to cook and how to change the oil on the car and other stuff.

My second wife was always on the go and had run a farm prior to us getting together. She was happier working outside, mowing and raking and stuff, while I stayed inside cooking. I also taught her how to fix things on cars and she exposed me to home brewing and spinning and stuff.

Curly doesn't cook very well, at all, so I do most of the cooking. As in the previous marriages, we both work. The double incomes are needed, for a practical reason. I won't pay to support anybody who's capable of doing productive work, for a more abstract reason: I have no very young children, nor will I have any more in the future, which could lead to me supporting somebody to stay at home and provide full-time care.
 
I am the primary wage earner in my marriage, although we are both employed. I have the higher educational level, but am not necessarily the more intelligent of the two of us. :D I'm more educated. He's much quicker in thought than I am.

My bf is the primary wage earner, while his wife stays home with the kids.

Both of my parents were professionals (engineer, dentist) and both worked outside the home. Both of them cooked and cleaned, but my dad was the guy's-guy who did things like household repairs, changed the oil in the cars, etc. He taught me to do those things and I do them. My husband never did learn those things from his dad.

I don't know what that says about our gender roles, but there it is, fwiw.
 
I admit when I lived with my gf, I took out the trash and recyclables and never cleaned the bathroom, even once, or vacuumed. I did clean the kitchen and cook. I didn't really think about how much I was playing a gender role until just now.

I wasn't the breadwinner, either! I was going to school and she was pregnant and working until her last few weeks. We had separate finances. I don't know if I did my fair share of housework, or not, but I kind of got the impression she liked to clean, or at least more than I would. Now that I'm living somewhere else, I clean my bathroom about once every couple months and vacuum a little less. It doesn't seem to get dirty enough to warrant more.

I think my attitude towards chores was that I would do them when they needed to be done. Dishes in the sink? Wash 'em. Trash full? Take it out. But I would look at the bathroom and think: "Bathroom? Clean enough. It'll hold another week or two." I think Nyx would see the same bathroom and think, "There are germs all over this place!"
 
I hear ya, man.

You've got to ease them into the idea. "Here honey, let me change that diaper. You go take a nap." That way they think they're the ones getting away with something...

:rolleyes: innocent smile...
 
Well, Al, if you ever feel like moving to London, let me know.
 
Eh, people have their own conversations on threads all the time here. Yeah, I do miss Opus. Apparently they're finally resurrecting it this year. I was always working too much during Opus anyway. Le sigh.
 
Right now, my husband and I both work and my GF is going to school. The three of us have talked about it, and some day I hope to be able to work only part-time and stay home with any children we have. My husband loves his work (he is a para at a school for behavior disorder students) and would get too restless if he stayed home all day. He has ADD and oversleeping issues. My GF also is very independent and wants to work. She also wants to travel a lot. We have talked about in the future (when she comes back from Finland after finishing school) that she will find a job and contribute about 1/2 her income to our household and spend about 1/2 on traveling. She is studying tourism. So if all Dreams and Hopes come true some day, I hope to stay home with our kids (homeschool) and work only part-time (as a home health care provider for children with special needs) while my two lovers work (full time). Sigh. Time will tell.
 
I stay home full time. Maca and GG both work full time. I have the kids and I homeschool. They make the money and pay the bills. It works really well when Ailsa and I don't both have major health crises in one year. :(
 
Sweetheart said:
Homeschooling by itself is a full-time job.
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That's true, and when you have multiple children in different grades, sometimes it seems like several full-time jobs. But let me tell you, I have NEVER loved any job I was paid to do as much as I love watching the test scores come out. In Alaska even homeschooled kids are required to do the standardized gov't testing for schools. Knowing that the reason all these kids' scores are off the charts, is the time and work and devotion I put into making sure they got the teaching they needed, feels MUCH more "useful" and meaningful to me then any other job I've done (banker, loan officer, cashier, management, dancer, etc.).

:)
 
My husband and I have a gender-role reversal going on in our day-to-day life and both are really happy with that part of our lives. I've always been kind of a "guy-type girl," as I call it, and have never really wanted to cook, clean etc., just go to work. I work one full-time and one part-time job, pay the bills. I help around the house when I can, or when he's sick. My husband is a "girly guy" and always wanted to take home ec and learn to do housework when he was a young boy. Now, he does the shopping, cooking, cleaning, menu planning, etc. for our household, drives us to work and school as needed, and is also there for our high school-aged daughter.
 
Best arrangement

I think that parts of gender roles have largely evaporated, which is an awesome thing. I know quite a few families operating in that mode. It really comes down to: what's the best configuration for all that we can pull off? Whoever is in the position to make the most money, do it, unless you hate it. Whoever likes to cook, do it! Win/win for everyone.
 
LovingRadiance said:
That's true, and when you have multiple children in different grades, sometimes it seems like several full time jobs. But let me tell you, I have NEVER loved any job I was paid to do as much as I love watching the test scores come out. In Alaska even homeschool kids are required to do the standardized gov't testing for schools. And knowing that the reason all these kids' scores are off the charts, is the time and work and devotion I put into making sure they got the teaching they needed, feels MUCH more "useful" and meaningful to me then any other job I've done (banker, loan officer, cashier, management, dancer etc.).
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Sorry, but isn't at least a little bit of credit due to the children themselves for the test results? I don't mean to take away from the time, work and devotion you put in, but surely they are the ones who do the learning and do the tests?
 
As for gender roles: Fidelio is unquestionably the Alpha Male in our pack, while I am unquestionably the Alpha Female.

As for who does what, we make those decisions based mostly on skill set. I'm the shopper. He's the plumber. I'm the computer guru. He's the mechanic. I'm the gardener. He's the winemaker.

We both clean house, because neither of us really like to. I'm the primary cook, but he makes the best meatloaf.

When an ordinary decision needs to be made, we go with whichever one of us has the stronger preference. For major decisions, we discuss it and come to consensus. When we can't reach consensus, we table the discussion and come back to it. On those very rare occassions we just can't reach a consensus, we usually go with what Fidelio wants, because he is: 1: super smart, 2: widely experienced, and 3: usually proven to be right in the long run.
 
I am pleased to see a lot of the old domestic gender roles are disappearing and in some cases have completely disappeared.

My mother taught me to cook and do laundry (including ironing) and sew on buttons and now I enjoy cooking, do my own laundry and can make minor repairs.

In our little group there are no kids. Two of us work, and one is currently unemployed. When together, we all pitch in to do whatever needs doing.

My parents, while they taught us not to stick to gender roles in relationships, were very much mired in them, to the point where, after my mother died just over two years back, my father could basically do nothing around the house for himself. As long as I am fit when I hit that age, I won't be having that problem, I am pleased to say....
 
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