Getting married in a poly relationship

Amberlina

New member
I'm relatively new to this and seeking some advice\support. My partne and I are relatively new (months), but she was in a long term relationship with a male before me (2years). He is totally on board although there is no relationship between him and I. Just her and him, and me and her. Everything was going great. We talk openly, we share insecurities, we all know what the agreed boundaries are withing each of our relationships and we have agreements that work for all of us.

However, last night my girlfriend decided to drop the bombshell that her and her boyfriend plan to get married in a few years. This was just part of general conversation, with her thinking that it had no effect on my relationships with her. But Im struggling with this. Although she lives with him and not me, I'm absolutely ok with this. But she's given so much reasurance that her two relationships are equally as meaningful to her and that she loves us both equally but in different ways. But that we are equal in terms of importance to her. But now she's said this, I can help but struggle with it. Im certain that if they get married it will completely change the dynamic between us. I won't be able to feel equally important. And I'm not sure I can watch the that all unfold. Like I think if they were married when we met, of course that would be ok because I would have gotten into this knowing that. Or even if it was in the process of happening when we met. But to decide to marry one partner when you have two? Does that feel ok? Has anyone else been through this? It seems a long time off, but I feel like I need to think about whether I can do that before I get in any deeper.

thanks in advance ❤️
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I guess my question for you - or really for her - is *why* is she marrying him? Is it for legalities surrounding children? planning to acquire property together? Both of those things can be done by unmarried people of course but it can be a convenience. Are any of those things something you'd want with your partner anyway? I haven't been through this myself but I imagine that knowing the *why* behind the decision might make things feel better.
 

Amberlina

New member
In terms of the 'why', she says because he wants to. It's important to him. There's no children and no plans for children. And they already have a house together.

I'm told it would make no change to our relationship, but I cant see that being likely. Their non-monogomy comes from her wanting that. He goes with it because he wants her to be happy and would rather have that than not be with her, which I respect him completely for. He does not have or intend to have any relationships or anything outside of their relationship. So I can't help but wonder if he hopes it will stop if they get married...and it's not so easy for her to walk away. But maybe that's just the cynic in me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Amberlina,

I don't blame you for being suspicious of her boyfriend's motives. You already know he doesn't like poly, and puts up with it only because there's no other way to keep her. Marriage gives him the perfect way to secure a hold on her in a different way. It's hard to believe that that isn't at least one of the reasons why he wants to marry her.

Deciding to marry one partner when she has two, definitely does not feel okay. She is undeniably promoting one relationship, while demoting the other. Either that or, is this marriage something they've already been planning for a year or two, and she just chose not to mention that to you until now? If so, that's not very ethical. You need to be able to decide whether to consent to this overall relationship, knowing what you're getting into. A pending marriage is a very big part of that. So I hope she hasn't lied by omission.

In any case, you now know that she is going to marry this man. This is going to be part of the relationship that you have with her. What you have to decide is, whether this is going to be a deal breaker for you, and if it is, you need to break up with this woman now, before you get any deeper invested in a relationship that is going to end anyway.

Your only other alternative is to somehow stop this marriage from happening ... but I don't know how you could do that. Could you explain your reservations to her, and hope that that makes her change her mind? I don't know.

I hope you can work this out somehow.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I am married to both my husbands. One I have a legal marriage to. It is so I can received his pension and be on his health benefits.

The other I had a commitment ceremony with.

I own separate property with both. I have legally protected both in my will. Both have medical power of attorney.
 

LoveBunny

Active member
I can understand how your partner marrying would cause you some anxiety and you absolutely should ask questions.

If you've only been with her a matter of months, it may not be realistic that you are as she claims, "equal in terms of importance" as her long-term, live-in partner. That relationship is in a position to start moving (slowly, it sounds like) towards marriage, yours isn't realistically "there" yet, no matter how good you two might get along. And, of course, she can only legally marry one of you (though there's certainly other ways to commit.) Do you want to get married?

Are you hoping, ultimately, for a co-primary role? Is that even possible, or would her boyfriend leave her? Do you see yourself living with her, or both of them, ultimately, and/or will you have another partner of your own? This is a wonderful time for you two to sit down and hash out how you see this relationship unfolding. Hopefully you'll land on something that appeals to you both.

Something that helped me last year when my boyfriend of 6 months started moving forward with someone else: I asked him if we could come up with some strategies to keep OUR relationship growing and moving forward, too. For example, taking trips together, meeting family, coming up with special names/titles for each other, exploring deeper with our D/s dynamic, etc.. Hope that helps!
 

jati

New member
I'm relatively new to this and seeking some advice\support. My partne and I are relatively new (months), but she was in a long term relationship with a male before me (2years). He is totally on board although there is no relationship between him and I. Just her and him, and me and her. Everything was going great. We talk openly, we share insecurities, we all know what the agreed boundaries are withing each of our relationships and we have agreements that work for all of us.

However, last night my girlfriend decided to drop the bombshell that her and her boyfriend plan to get married in a few years. This was just part of general conversation, with her thinking that it had no effect on my relationships with her. But Im struggling with this. Although she lives with him and not me, I'm absolutely ok with this. But she's given so much reasurance that her two relationships are equally as meaningful to her and that she loves us both equally but in different ways. But that we are equal in terms of importance to her. But now she's said this, I can help but struggle with it. Im certain that if they get married it will completely change the dynamic between us. I won't be able to feel equally important. And I'm not sure I can watch the that all unfold. Like I think if they were married when we met, of course that would be ok because I would have gotten into this knowing that. Or even if it was in the process of happening when we met. But to decide to marry one partner when you have two? Does that feel ok? Has anyone else been through this? It seems a long time off, but I feel like I need to think about whether I can do that before I get in any deeper.

thanks in advance ❤️
Hi I am 34 years old straight man and looking for a lisbian couple for life time relationship with one or both and want to raise child from us. If any of your friend circle want same please tell me .I am serious time pass please stay away thanks
 

Opal

New member
I sympathize with your anxiety in feeling like your partner will see her husband as more important than you when they get married. I don't think that will always be the case!
 

Inaniel

Well-known member
Marriage is a legal contract that dictates couples privilege, fortified by marriage law.

I got married after being poly and now regret it. I am working to terminate my marriage contract.
 
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