getting over the hurtle of jealousy..

I have been informed by red that i need to be a better caregiver before she would really feel any super strong feelings towards me. I know blues very into abdl as is red. I try to do my best with the kink but its hard for me to get in the mindset sometimes.. i think she feels im an inadequate daddy. Res, who is a little, has actually been feeling dominant towards blue and has become a mommy to her.

Idk what to do in this situation. Maybe someone with ddlg abdl exp could PM me? I really need help to get through is. I know red has always wanted me to be more serious about it too obviously. I was never into any kinks, very vanilla so im still working on it. Its been over a year for red. Blue has known she was for a long time

To be clear, red has become a switch specifically for blue and loves it..

My mind keeps telling me to stop pursuing a romantic relationship and then reminds me how much i like blue.. its up and down everyday, i felt much better earlier today.
 
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Mrbritish

New member
I have been informed by red that i need to be a better caregiver before she would really feel any super strong feelings towards me. I know blues very into abdl as is red. I try to do my best with the kink but its hard for me to get in the mindset sometimes.. i think she feels im an inadequate daddy. Res, who is a little, has actually been feeling dominant towards blue and has become a mommy to her.

Idk what to do in this situation. Maybe someone with ddlg abdl exp could PM me? I really need help to get through is. I know red has always wanted me to be more serious about it too obviously. I was never into any kinks, very vanilla so im still working on it. Its been over a year for red. Blue has known she was for a long time

To be clear, red has become a switch specifically for blue and loves it..

The one thing I’ve learned through my years of experience in kink is that you can’t make yourself be something that you aren’t. Sometimes, you are just not going to click. Ultimately, you can fake t for a while, and do it out of love, but the other person will always catch onto it. The question to ask is if you are being true to yourself by forcing yourself to be someone else, when maybe the answer (the really hard answer) is that this is an incompatibility.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi trying2BC,

I'm thinking that you should ask Blue out on a date soon. And maybe you could do a DDLG date, where you are the caregiver and she is in her little space. Maybe you could offer her that kind of date, and see how she feels about it.

I think that you want to get closer to her, and asking her out on a date would be the first step.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I really want to and will.. red has just made me feel like i should wait now.. i dont know how i should process this. Red talks to blue all the time and i believe has a better understanding of how blue feels about me than i do. I also feel like i need to disregard what red is suggesting and get this over with to find out if blue would be ready / comfortable to do that now - near future or not.

If not it will hurt but i will get over it. I feel like a young teenager again having a crush on the nice and pretty girl lol. I didnt do any real adult dating as i settled down with red pretty quickly at the end of my teens. We also didnt have tinder and all these apps when i was younger lol.

I'm going to present the idea like this.. "I know you and Red have talked about this in some way but I really need to talk to you about this on my own account. I would really like to take you out sometime, plan a date or a playdate sometime soon so we can develop what we have together. I also need you you to know that I am not pushing you into anything - I'm ready as soon as you are so if not now I just need you to tell me you want the same."

If I get a rejection I will continue to try in our somewhat triad to get her to develop more feelings for me by myself if I get too lonely in this whole issue. I'm practicing the Jealousy Survival Guide and it hits home so much.. I'm being way too hard on myself, feeling slight resentment and extremely high envy towards Red which is not the way I want to feel, I'm really going to work on my thought pattern. My immediate reaction is 100% pessimistic unless things are going great. I recognize this and understand that I am being irrational. I've never been shown that I should be worried about Red leaving or preferring her new love interest enough to make a difference in our lives.

Red wants this to work out as a triad. I believe Blue does too. I'm doing the best I can to appease the ABDL daddy role and will try to take control and make Red want to regress instead of being mommy as of late. Red is very submissive, until Blue has come along. They are very cute together submissively. I love it, but I am slightly apathetic regarding the ABDL aspect. I dont have a problem with it, but I need to find some way to RP more. It was hard with Red a year+ ago so it is with Blue now - though I want to do anything to make these girls happy. They mean so much to me and I want Red as my SO forever of course. I'm not going to let myself fall out of love with Red, she is really so important to me. I'm sure I'd be okay by myself I just decided a long time ago I wanted to be with her. Dont get me wrong - I am now interested in a poly/nonmono relationship.

I'm sorry. I'm unloading a lot of emotional baggage that I cannot as I do not have significant friends in my life that I talk to or spend time with which is a whole different problem in my life. I had to get away from all of my friends that I had when I was younger for reasons I'd rather not talk about but I am sure you can imagine. I've been very secluded since then and havent been very sociable. I dont even have a facebook anymore.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think you could have a few basic first dates without any kink with Blue FIRST. No point in getting in deeper if initial compatibility isn't there.

I really want to and will.. red has just made me feel like i should wait now.

I think part of your confusion comes from consulting Red so much about this when you already seem to know what YOU want. You might need to establish better boundaries.

i dont know how i should process this. Red talks to blue all the time and i believe has a better understanding of how blue feels about me than i do. I also feel like i need to disregard what red is suggesting and get this over with to find out if blue would be ready / comfortable to do that now - near future or not.

Go with what YOU think.

You have to do the work of disentanglement with Red sooner or later also.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

I'm going to present the idea like this.. "I know you and Red have talked about this in some way but I really need to talk to you about this on my own account. I would really like to take you out sometime, plan a date or a playdate sometime soon so we can develop what we have together. I also need you you to know that I am not pushing you into anything - I'm ready as soon as you are so if not now I just need you to tell me you want the same."

Good enough. Get on with talking to Blue directly.

Red is very submissive, until Blue has come along. They are very cute together submissively. I love it, but I am slightly apathetic regarding the ABDL aspect. I dont have a problem with it, but I need to find some way to RP more. It was hard with Red a year+ ago so it is with Blue now - though I want to do anything to make these girls happy.

Don't be doing kink "for the girls" if you yourself aren't into it.

I do not have significant friends in my life that I talk to or spend time with which is a whole different problem in my life.

Do work on building up a friend network.

Galagirl
 
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endusal

New member
Is an attention log something you are suggesting or is this also in the guide? I appreciate everything.

I must have come across it somewhere else. It's basically the concept of a gratitude journal, which is pretty common. You can do it in whatever format you like. In my case, I write about good moments with my partner, gestures he makes, nice things he says to me. Even if it's something little. I call it an appreciation log (rather than attention), and try to fill in a little something every day. (It's actually pretty amazing to think that good things crop up every single day!) I started it to keep track of such things and not get lost, as I often used to, in insecurity. It impressed on me very firmly how much my partner actually cares about me, and be aware of the ways in which he does.

Don't be doing kink "for the girls" if you yourself aren't into it.

Do work on building up a friend network.
Also, very strongly seconding that. It's important to be able to centre yourself (having a mutually supporting network of friends is invaluable) and not get worked up so much about what you "should" be doing.
 
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Good morning everyone.

Great advice from you guys. I do know one thing about Blue. She has had flings with guys in the past without the kink and also had tryed to dste many. The only one that even began was due to the kink. She needs it in any form of relationship other than with her friends. Its something that makes her feel completely different and im sure would much prefer that kind of experience rather than an "adult date". She responds so well and it really lets her open up. The kink is far from just sexual play but i can also say that it can be very sexual depending on the circumstances. During a date it would just get her into little space where she responds much better and is less shy because she can be her trueself without being judged. I like being able to make her feel like its not weird. Shes submissive in day to day life.

All i need to do is stop trying to be a better daddy and just do it regardless of how shy i feel to say certain things. Its kind of like when youre a terrible public speaker and you have to just get past the anxiety. They have even told me theres not really a wrong way to do it to reassure me that i shouldnt be nervous at all. I need to trust that and go for it more full fledged. (They arent forcing me to do this and wouldnt - i would have left red a long time ago if i didnt have some interest in it. I love seeing their faces light up :) ) ive been getting more and more into aspects bdsm and would have never thought id get to even this point.

Red is also this way too so ive been playing the daddy role as much as I thought for awhile but I want to be better for her. She has never had the chance to be dominant so she has been the mommy for Blue and enjoys that as well. She also has told me she prefers when im in charge of both of them. Sometimes i can really get into it and that is so important for red as it is a big part of her, i love fulfilling what she needs. Theyre both adorable though so its hard not to smile. I think they just want me to be the role more and play more.

Its not me disliking it, i want to be daddy for them both. im just still embarassed a little after all this time and it makes me shy. The whole point is so i can be dominant which i do like i just get shy. Another thing i need to work on. These girls are pretty kinky in otherways too which im enjoying (this is coming from an original very vanilla mono).

I do need friends. I know there are sites for meetups and such, but any recommendations? Its hard to make long lasting friends. The initial omg lets be best friends after spending days together at festivals they always turn out to be once a year relationships because of distance and everything. I dont go to bars or wherever people go to meet people but i do drink lol. Will never drive or get in the car with anyone, thats just a plain death wish on your part and everyone else on the road. Ive never put myself into a situation where i had to use an uber.

I can talk to people after being around them for a bit and i like to believe im a very likable person. Initial first impressions can be weird but i always turn things around after i relax. Even if i just had one honest friend to talk to id be a much happier and less stressed person.

Thanks for reading my ramblings gala and endusai, youre both very helpful and i know a lot of what youre telling me im aware of. i just need to get things drilled in my brain by having someone else tell me so i stop running negativity through my head.

Endusai - the JSG is helping so much in general. Im feeling more comfortable with my jealousy and envy. Its there obviously but im handling it better already. With all of your support and this piece its so relieving. Ill check out the other journal that you had mentioned, it also sounds like a great idea.

So summary - anyone thats been in a similar situation as me (friendless) have any suggestions on sites, etc. To help me find someone. If i could find someone experienced that i could talk to on a personal level about this often it would make a huge difference. I cant imagine anymore what its like to have steady friends that i can talk to on the reg. Ive had so much emotion bottled up and joining this forum the other day has been my only outlet ever. Im also not saying they need to be my guide, anyone would be a big improvement on my life.
 
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endusal

New member
I admit I can't follow the kink-related thread of the discussion but good job working with jealousy. You might find you'll have to go back to it from time to time, and it's okay. I know I still do! But it gets much, much easier over time, especially when you feel good about yourself in other aspects of your life, too. This is where having friends comes in.

So, making friends: just remind yourself that it takes work, and it takes a while. Building friendships is not easy and doesn't happen automatically.

One thing is to look among the people you already know and begin pursuing more contact and openness with them, and see where it goes. Sometimes the other person will respond. I've had a friend who'd been more of an acquaintance for 5+ years, and sometimes it would take us more than a year to meet, and I would even have doubts about the whole connection; but over time it's turned out we trust each other and can talk about deep things. A combination of patience, perseverance, being willing to hear the other out, opening up, and giving them some space simultaneously is what seems to help.

If you need an entirely new circle of friends: what are your interests? Are there communities involved with them? That's a good way of meeting people and possibly better than doing so randomly (because of the shared interest).
 
I'm doing the best I can with the jealousy and I know I will get there one day.

If you need an entirely new circle of friends: what are your interests? Are there communities involved with them? That's a good way of meeting people and possibly better than doing so randomly (because of the shared interest).
To be completely honest with you.. I dont really have that many hobbies or interests other than playing games, music and going to festivals or club shows, TV/movies. I'm a vegan so thats a big thing but I dont want to meet extreme activists where that would be the only thing we'd have in common. Drinking? lol. I've been trying to get into fitness but have gotten anywhere. I'm a very alternative - "hippy" for lack of a better term.. I didnt go to college or anything but I used to like studying mycology online.

I wish I could say more but I dont think theres anything else to say. I want to rebuy some DJ equipment (sold everything a long time ago) and really get back into music but I'm a long ways off from being able to afford anything like that.

The acquaintance that I have are all friends of friends, I cant go back to any of my old friends because of the routes they took in life. So I'd like to make new friends. Actually writing this makes me feel, lonely lol. I usually dont.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Red is also this way too so ive been playing the daddy role as much as I thought for awhile but I want to be better for her.

She also has told me she prefers when im in charge of both of them.

Another reason to stop over-consulting. It is good to consult Red for her thoughts, opinions, etc. But you seem to do it excessively.

Its not me disliking it, i want to be daddy for them both. im just still embarassed a little after all this time and it makes me shy. The whole point is so i can be dominant which i do like i just get shy.

You guys sound like you want to kink more frequently but not 24/7. Well... Confidence is grown by doing. Like a muscle you exercise.

Its something that makes her feel completely different and im sure would much prefer that kind of experience rather than an "adult date".

That sounds like guessing rather than "I'm sure" because you don't talk actually to Blue directly yet. And in any event... If you are the daddy? YOU decide what happens on the first date with Blue. And I don't think one non-kink date to establish compatibility and/or talk about kink boundaries is unheard of.

I do need friends. I know there are sites for meetups and such, but any recommendations?

If i could find someone experienced that i could talk to on a personal level about this often it would make a huge difference.

Given your want to be a better daddy, see if there are local munches, roundtables, or meetups for those. Possibly make kink friends there.

...playing games, music and going to festivals or club shows, TV/movies. I'm a vegan...

You can also make friends in those circles. It's ok to have more that one circle of friends. Join a gaming group, attend a veg potluck, that sort of thing. Before you can make friends, you have to get out to circulate so you meet the people.

Galagirl
 
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breathemusic

Active member
Sooo, I understand that you and Red have a long standing relationship, and Red now has this Mommy role with Blue... but if Blue truly is interested in the possibility of a future relationship with you, I don't really see how it's entirely appropriate for Red to be discussing (with Blue) Blue's potential relationship with you). At least not in detail in anything other than the broad strokes to make sure that everyone is cool with the relationships.

You guys have all sorts of over-sharing boundary issues going on in my opinion. Red is getting all the details about where Blue stands with you, but you aren't? It's not her relationship so why is she trying to manage your relationship with Blue? I think Red needs to back off and tell both you and Blue that the 2 of you need to work your own stuff out instead of her inserting herself into this and trying to tell each of you what you should be doing. That is a GREAT way to lead to future issues.

If you're truly interested in being a Dd and having a Ddlg relationship, then do more research, and like you said, practice will make you more comfortable with the role. But if you don't have much interest and are just doing it for other people.... well it's not likely to ever get better and will just peter out over time because you're just not that into it. So you need to figure out where your interest are. FetLife is a good place to find forums for various kinks and ask questions, etc. So if you're not on there, it's a resource.
 
Thank you for the advise guys. I again really do appreciate all this feedback.

I'm not just doing it for them, I'm just not good enough at it yet. I've been looking into forums for kink to try and figure out how to get more into the RP. I like it a lot when I can actually get myself in the mindset. I think its my conditioning growing up and I'm on the edge of finally letting go and being an open, non conservative person.

I think a big part is confidence as well. I know I cant really be truly dominant until I believe in myself. After experimenting more with both Red and Blue and seeing more results and actually play with them (I have been more supervising than getting into it and doing cute activities other than the fact that I love kids shows, all types. I'm learning to be a more desirable daddy and be less reserved.

As for Red and Blue talking, it just kind of happened. They were best friends for a long time prior so naturally they talk and I dont think Red was being malicious by speaking for me. I honestly think she was trying to help, she has really been wanting a triad from the beginning. We're both learning and growing with this and obviously we're going to make mistakes. But yes. I agree, I wish I could have talked to Blue in person about everything first before Red had talked to her. But I'm not holding it against her though my gut reaction was to be very upset. She now knows how I feel about what she did and I have let it go. Red was just told by Blue how strong of feelings she had for her and I think the conversation just went from there.

All I can do is look forward to figuring out my future.

You guys are great, I feel better everyday.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I dont think Red was being malicious by speaking for me. I honestly think she was trying to help, she has really been wanting a triad from the beginning.

I don't think she's being malicious. But I do I think she could work respecting your boundaries and Blues boundaries better. She's jumping the gun a lot.

You sound kinda ok respecting other people's boundaries but you could work on asserting your own boundaries better.

When Red overshares stuff about (Red + Blue) you are going to have to tell her not to do that. When Red tries to insert herself into (You + Blue) you are going to have to tell her not to also.

Each dyad needs its own space. It is one thing to share things in broad strokes -- like making you aware safer sex practices are being done. Or she's going to ask Blue to be her GF. But telling you TMI details like the "daily play-by-play?" That's too much info.

(Red inserting herself and doing your jobs for you) does not help you become (a confident person who can do things on their own.)

I think developing that skill set will help you become a better daddy on the kink side of things... and will help you form your OWN connection to Blue on the triad side of things so that the triad happens because ALL people are putting in their "fair share" efforts.

Not just because Red is running around trying to make it happen doing everyone else's jobs for them.

Again, I don't think she's trying to be malicious. I think she's excited.

But people can trip up that way. Triad is one of the hardest models -- like 3 V's stacked up on top of each other.

And you guys are wanting to start there.

Galagirl
 
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Im upset.. I just wrote a long reply and it got deleted due to the mouse pad on my laptop and now it feels incomplete lol.
-
Thank you Galagirl,

I know she wasn't and I completely agree that Red is very excited and elated about this whole new situation, NRE and just the two partners in general. Shes also found someone she can be little with. I've been opening up a lot and communicating to Red about the boundaries and also about her talking for me and she feels really bad, I've obviously forgiven her. Shes been talking about her less and I appreciate that for now at least. She hasnt really been oversharing in conversation so thats all fine. I along with Red (Blue as well apparently) want this to work out whenever in the future as a triad. She likes us together now I understand we have to work on our individual relationships, which is exciting.

Ive gained so much knowledge about the aspects and feel I have much more of a toolset to deal with everything that comes along with this. Red wants me to spend time and develop a deeper connection with Blue. She feels like shes being a bad girlfriend because of the way things are currently but I'm reassuring her that I am fine with this, I can be patient. I don't give up that easy.

Next step - be a better daddy (learn to be assertive) and have a talk with blue.
 
Re (from tryingtobecontent):


Perhaps https://www.meetup.com/topics/polyamory/ ... or just https://www.meetup.com/ ... might be helpful. You could also try https://fetlife.com/ for the kink aspect.

This is what I was looking for. I believe there is an event very soon for general poly discussion in my area that I am specifically interested in. Otherwise I just need to figure out where to start my search for friends in any sense. Thank you kdt, you've been a continued source of information to me.

Appreciate all of your comments. You've turned a very, very anxious person into a truly relaxed and much more comfortable version of myself. Everything is going to be okay.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
It sounds like things are getting better for you; I'm glad to hear that. :)
 
Ive just learned how to deal with my envy of what my red & blue have together a little bit better day by day. It needs to get to the point where i can see that she wants to try with me, not just maybe say okay when in the heat of the moment. I care about everyones feelings in this, i along with them dont want to get hurt but i would really never forgive myself for not attempting to make this work.

I do have one situation that has been the only source of envy / jealousy is that while blue has been away for the past week across the states she had texted red many times. Last day i talked to her was a week ago when she left my house. I just dont really understand why she couldnt have just sent me a text to check up with me so i knew she was having fun and doing alright. This situation has been throwing me backwards though ive mad it through this period.

Is her lack of texting a sign? Should i read this as a lack of interest or maybe playing hard to get? Either way a single hi / hello or im doing great would made me feel better since i just got to hear the whole trip through red.

I know im digging into this too hard and say im becoming better but its really hard to change old habits. But one way or another ill get through this and be stronger emotionally. It all could be coming as a blessing because as a human i am one of the most sensitive and emotional hetero males you will meet i bet. I acknokedge that thought though and embrace it. I know it needs to change.

While i was going through school i was always the generous one. I was always willing to do anything for my friends.. buy them whatever they needed, sharing food, taking blame for shit i didnt do, take advantage of my parents house and have eveyone over all the time and share everything with them. It was a downfall and i know a lot if kids took advantage of me for my parents my and my gerousity. I used to put others first before myself but ive been taking much better care of myself mentally and physically. I needed to get away from that entire friend group that i had developed by the end of highschool because of circumstances that are never good for anyone let alone our youth.

Im thankful for everything that has happened in my life, im very fortunate to have extremely supportive parents and a partner i can rely on. If this works out id be more than willing to come out and talk with my parents BECAUSE of how important they are to me in my life. They already have some suspicions though about the subject.

Id still be a wreck right now if i didnt have your help understanding how everything im going through is just normal. I had no idea polyamory took this much effort and work to make it truly work. If not theres always more fish in sea, i just dont want to lose Red if anything happens, id hate to see her hurt either way. I'm not trying to sound possesive because im not, weve just planned our life together whether it be through being poly or mono. We both are more interested in an open relstionship though, and as apparent as it may sound, the whole idea was not a pipe dream for me for sex. Red is the one who thought it would be healthy and beneficial to us both not only individually but for our own relationship. This was months before red and blue had not even met, so im not concerned she had this plan to get with blue and leave me. Anyway, Im really looking for emotional connections (physical too) on top of what i already have established over many years.

She was right though, were both focusing more on ourselves and its making us both realize how much we mean to eachother at the same time. Its really hard but this has really rewired the way i think about life. It was very strange - if any of you have netflix, there is a new show called explained. The second to most recent episode is called "monogomy". Its funny hoe you start reading about something, starting to do something or most specifically when you hear a word youve never heard before. Then hear it three times in the same day..

Anyways, check it out, they arent long shows. Thanks to anyone and everyone that has read this post and my thread. Youre great people and have opened my eyes to something amazing that i wish i would have been more interested or open to the idea rather than just thinking "theesomes!" Like a typical asshole male would have to say. No generalization here haha! Im a hetero male myself and have been around enough horny men esp when i was a bit younger.
 
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Yeah, just to try and check in, make sure she was having fun and being safe.. it just annoys me that i havent gotten a single text from her trip while red has been in contact with her the whole time. I guess shes just trying to not lead me on or something? My immediate reactions this past week are that its just been in a way mean of blue.
 
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