Glossary and Definitions

[LovingRadiance]

Bisexual: sexually attracted to both men and women.

Closed marriage: Marriages where there is no outer emotional relating or sexuality.

Closed group marriage
1: A group of individuals who describe themselves as married, but may or may not all be primaries, and are closed to outside sexual relationships 2: A marriage in which fidelity is not equated with monogamy.

Closed relationship: an agreement among the members not to get sexually and/or romantically involved with anyone outside the relationship

Co-housing community: a housing community built around a group philosophy. Each family has their own home that is privately owned, but there are community buildings and space. Often built around shared values or beliefs.

Commitment
1: to pledge or promise to do something
2: dedication to a long-term course of action
3: engagement
4: involvement
5: put into charge or trust
6: carry into action
7: entrust; perpetrate; transfer; consign; commit

Commune
1: a community
2: interchange of thoughts and feelings
3: converse

Communal
1: to be owned or shared by a community
2: public

Community
1: a body of people living in the same place under the same laws
2. a natural population of plants and animals that interact ecologically and live in one place (e.g., a pond)
3: society at large
4: joint ownership
5: similarity, likeness

Compersion
1: taking joy or pleasure in someone else’s joy, pleasure or happiness
2: feeling joy in the happiness that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another
This term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced polyfidelity. Kerista disbanded in the early 1990s.

Condom commitment: an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually-transmitted diseases. Syn. safe-sex circle

Cooperative
1: willing to work with others
2: of or relating to an association formed to enable its members
3: a cooperative association

Courting: the process by which people explore how it feels to form or join in a committed relationship. Syn. dating

Eros:
1: the Greek god of erotic love, Cupid
2: the sum of life-preserving instincts that are manifested as impulses to gratify basic needs, as sublimated impulses, and as impulses to protect and preserve the body and mind. Compare: death instinct
3 a: love conceived by Plato as a fundamental creative impulse having a sensual element b: often not capitalized: erotic love or desire

Expanded family: a relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family. Partners may or may not live together. There is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other, if they mutually desire, but this is not a requirement for family membership. Syn: intentional family

Family
1: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head
2 a: a group of persons of common ancestry; clan. b: a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock; race
3: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation
4a: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children

Fidelity:
1. the quality or state of being faithful
2. accuracy in details

Fluid bond: of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse

Group marriage: a marriage involving more than two people

Group partner: a person in a group marriage or relationship

Group relationship: a committed, loving relationship involving multiple partners

Hinge: refers to Vs/Vees, or similar dynamics in a more complex relationship. The "person in the middle," more bonded to each end than they are to each other. Without the hinge, the other people often go their separate ways.

Hot bi babe [HBB]: mythical creature (usually female) that some couples search for as for the Holy Grail. See unicorn.

Inclusive relationship: a relationship in which all partners agree to include more lovers in their relationship

Intentional family: a relationship in which three or more partners consciously choose each other as family. Partners may or may not live together. There is the potential for all family members to be sexual with each other if they mutually desire, but this is not a requirement for family membership. Syn: expanded family

Intimate
1 a: intrinsic, essential b: belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature
2: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity
3 a: marked by a warm friendship developing through long association b: suggesting informal warmth or privacy
4: of a very personal or private nature

Intimate network: individuals who desire friendship and perhaps sex with their lovers and other friends, forming a web of varying connections within a social circle

Intimate partner: a close romantic or sexual connection or relationship

Intimate relationship: term that assumes romantic or sexual connection

Jealousy
1: the opposite of compersion
2: negative, angry feelings that a group or an individual can provoke in another group or individual
3: demanding complete devotion
4: suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage
5: vigilant

Line marriage: a term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein, science-fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium population, with spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are added. This is a different form of familial immortality than the traditional one of successive generations of children

Lovestyle: the design or structure of a sexual/love relationship. Like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice. Syn. relationship orientation

Mixed relationships
1: relationships that have heterosexual and homosexual members
2: relationships that have people from different races and cultures

Monogamy
1 archaic: the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime
2: the state or custom of being married to one person at a time
3: the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

Multi-partner relationship: the practice of having more than one intimate or sexual relationship at a time.

New paradigm relating: a philosophy of relationship which emphasizes using the relationship to consciously enhance the psychological and spiritual development of the partners, characterized by responding authentically in the present moment, honoring individual autonomy, equality, honesty and self responsibility.

 

[LovingRadiance]

New relationship energy (NRE): energy that flows between partners in a "new" relationship, the excitement and discovery that occurs during this time, as opposed to old relationship intimacy, which refers to a more settled, stable, comfortable time in the relationship

"One True Way" polyamorist: a person who believes there is only one right way to be polyamorous, often based on their own moral judgments (Most believe there are many ways to be poly)

Open marriage: where spouses have consented to have romantic relationships and/or sex with others outside the marriage

Open group marriage: a group of individuals who describe themselves as married, who may or may not be all primaries, who are open to outside romantic and/or sexual relationships

Open relationship: where partners have consented to have romantic relationships and/or sex with others outside their relationship

Partner
1: Short for life partner; gender-free, heterosexual-assumption-free term for someone with whom one is romantically involved
2: SPOUSE, ASSOCIATE, COLLEAGUE
3: two or more persons who dance together
4: one who plays on the same team with another
5: one of two or more persons contractually associated as joint principals in a venture

Plural marriage
1: a marriage between three or more people
2: a name often applied to Mormon-style polygyny, where all the wives may live together or each may have her own home

Poly
1: many or several
2: short for polyamory
3: the relationship orientation of people who love and want to be intimate with more than one person at a time
4: a relationship that is non-monogamous
5: a person that is in, or at least interested in, a multi-partnered relationship/family

Poly activist: a person interested in taking action intended to counteract the political, social and religious enforcement of monogamy; poly activists help promote greater awareness of polyamory as a legitimate relationship choice

Polyamorous
1: practicing polyamory
2: of or characterized by polyamory

Polyamory
1: the state or practice of having more than one consenting romantic relationship at a time, responsible non-monogamy based on open honest communication and conscious choices
2: romantically loving more than one person at a time

Polyandry
1: the state or practice of having two or more husbands at the same time
2: the mating of one female animal with more than one male

Poly family
1: a group of polyamorous people all living in or sharing life experiences in the same home or household
2: a social unit consisting of multiple romantically-involved adults (may or may not all be sexually/romantically involved with each other)
3: when children are present, the term includes others adults besides the birth parents who are responsibly involved with the children; most adults take an active role in child rearing
4: a group of people related by common commune, tribe, clan, lineage, ancestry, relatives, commitment or marriage
5: a sharing of living expenses and property

Polyfidelity (coined by the Kerista commune): a group in which all partners are primary to all other partners; there is sexual fidelity in the group; shared intent of a lifelong run together; more primary partners can be added with everyone's consent

Polygamous
1: practicing polygamy
2: of, engaging in or characterized by polygamy

Polygamy: the practice of having more than one wife or husband at one time

Polygyny
1: the state or practice of having two or more wives at the same time
2: the mating of a male animal with more than one female

Polywog: a person new to and exploring and experiencing polyamory

Poly virgin: a person who has never been in a polyamorous relationship

Primary partner or relationship: the closest relationship type, the person(s) given the most time, energy and priority in a person's life; includes high level of intimacy, attraction and commitment as demonstrated by strong bonding; often living together; can be formally linked by marriage or a commitment ceremony

Quad: a multiple partnered relationship with four members

Relationship orientation
1: The preference for sexual relationships or lovestyles which can be monogamous, non-monogamous, V-shaped, polyfidelitous, etc.
2: The design or structure of a sexual love relationship; like the term lifestyle, it implies a conscious choice (see lovestyle)

Safer sex: sexual activities in which precautions have been taken, i.e., the use of condoms, to minimize the chances of spreading or contracting a sexually transmitted disease

Safer-sex circle: an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to a closed group which has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases

Secondary partner or relationship: a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life, but usually not daily; the person provides emotional support; may or may not provide economic support; there may be some sharing of resources, goals and life paths, but they are fewer as compared to primary partners

Serial monogamy: a succession of monogamous partners over time

Sex positive: a person who is comfortable with own sexuality and sexuality in general

Spouse: husband or wife

Swingers club
1: a meeting place where recreational sexual activity take place
2: an organization that supports, encourages and promotes recreational sexual activities

Swinging
1: relationship style in which a married or primary partners enjoy and engage in sex with other couples, individuals and/or groups, with an emphasis on sexual pleasure, not on emotional connectedness
2: recreational sexual activity, sometimes called "sport sex," where partners or participants agree to have casual sex with each other's partners, usually with no emotional involvement

Tantra
1: Hindu or Buddhist scriptures dealing with techniques and rituals including meditative and sexual practices
2: Yogic spiritual discipline
3: SENSATION, TOUCH, FEEL

Tertiary: of third rank, importance, or value

Tertiary partner: a person of polyamorous orientation that is intimately involved in your life, erratically; the person provides limited emotional support; usually does not provide economic support, sharing of resources, goal or life paths (see comet)

Tolerance
1: the act or practice of having sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from one's own
2: the allowable deviation from a standard (as of size)
3: the body's ability to become less responsive over time to a certain condition

Triad
1: any three-person lovestyle
2: three people involved in some way, most often used in a committed sense
3: a union or group of three closely-related persons or things

Twittterpated (from the movie Bambi): synonym for NRE (new relationship energy); infatuation

Vee/V: a three-person relationship; the structure puts one person as the hinge, or pivot; the legs of the V are usually not as close to each other as each is to the hinge

 

[redpepper]

Pansexual: someone attracted to people regardless of their gender, sex or sexual orientation

Serial monogamist: someone who moves from one relationship to another often; a lifestyle which provides commitment to one sexual relationship at a time, but implies a regular change of partner

Serial polyamorist: someone who commits to and loves several partners at once, but there are so many that the love and commitment remains shallow

BDSM: a compound acronym derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), dominance and submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and masochism (S&M, S/M, or SM). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. While not always overtly sexual in nature, the activities and relationships within a BDSM context are almost always eroticized by the participants in some fashion. Many of these practices fall outside of conventional sexual activities and human relationships. Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the fact that the participants usually take on complementary, but unequal, roles.

Top/dominant: typically, participant who is active in BDSM, who exercises control over others

Bottom or submissive: recipient of the activities in BDSM, or who may be controlled by their partner

Switch: individuals who moves between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles, either periodically within a relationship, or from relationship to relationship

Metamour: the partner or spouse of your partner, can refer to any gender

Fluid bonding: when sexual partners share their bodily fluids with each other, usually after each has been tested and is negative for STDs

Relationship anarchy: a term in polyamory, for which there is no fixed definition; usually indicating equal status between and attention and commitment to lover/partners, platonic friends and family

 

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Unicorn syn: hot bi babe or HBB (one of several definitions

The unicorn is a hot bi babe just sitting and waiting for a couple to come along so she can jump into a relationship with them. Sometimes spotted with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster and other mythical creatures.

The term "unicorn hunting" applies to couples who decide they want to try poly and figure they'll just find a girlfriend for both of them, someone who is unattached to anybody else and just looking for a couple. Such a creature is very, very rare.

It is not uncommon to find triads where a hot bi babe does get involved with a couple. Those sort of happen without the HBB actually looking for a couple. However, she usually meets one or the other first, finds a connection there and then connects with the other half of the couple.

It's fairly easy to find a hot bi babe in the poly community. She's typically already involved with somebody, however, which removes her from the ranks of unicorns. She's also unlikely to bond equally with both halves of a couple, which also removes her from the ranks of unicorns. It appears from here that most hot bi babes falling in with a couple exclusively weren't actively poly prior to that, and just fell into it. She wasn't looking for a couple to join (which, again, means she's not a unicorn).

There are some folks who call any bi babe who joins up with a couple a unicorn. That, however is inaccurate, as it doesn't fulfill all the requirements of essential unicorn nature, not that it really matters. The unicorn thing is nothing more than a bit of community humor aimed at the naivete of some folks just beginning their poly journey. It's the poly equivalent of the prince on the white horse rescuing the princess and living happily ever after.

If a couple finds an actual unicorn-- woohoo, happy ending! If they find a HBB who doesn't qualify as a unicorn-- woohoo, happy ending! If they find other arrangements that work-- woohoo, happy ending!

I'm a sucker for happy endings.

I'll also add the unicorn hunters flowchart for posterity. Remember, this is tongue in cheek. For many couples I think this is the gateway through which they'll pass to a better understanding of themselves and each other, one way or another.

 

[Ceoli]

Also, in BDSM terms, tops and bottoms can be different from dominants and submissives. Generally, with tops and bottoms, the top can administer the play (spanking, flogging, etc.) and the bottom receives it, but this is without power exchange. The bottom does not relinquish psychological control and has authority throughout the activity.

Dominants and submissives can do the same activities, yet with them there is a power exchange involved. The submissive surrenders their authority to the dominant, and the dominant has a certain amount of psychological control.

I'm only clarifying that because lots of people think that in order to participate in such play that they have to boss around, or be bossed around, or have to buy into the power exchange idea, and that can sometimes turn people off. It's nice to know that there doesn't always have to be a power exchange to enjoy such play. For instance, I really enjoy bottoming, but I am not submissive.

Would this not then be "topping from the bottom"?

Topping from the bottom can happen when there is a power exchange involved and the person who relinquished their power in the play finds various ways to hang onto their power during the play, generally in manipulative ways. But when there is no power exchange involved, it's a bit of a different dynamic.

 

[NeonKaos]

I take requests!

"Theoretical polyamory" is an expression I made up on the fly JUST for Legion :


It's when you and your partner agree to "be polyamorous" but one of you doesn't actually want the other to PRACTICE it.

In other words, you are "allowed" to see other people, but the constraints and stipulations are so unrealistic that you are unable to do so without violating the other person's "trust" or "boundaries" somehow.

"Poly-in-theory" is a term often used for couples who first declare they're poly and decide to go unicorn hunting without any practical experience in polyamory too.

 

[Ceoli]

Limerence: A floaty, manic, excited, feeling that often arises after meeting or spending time with someone who you are recently attracted to. Also, a fluttering heart, or butterflies in the stomach are symptoms of the feeling. Not to be confused with new relationship energy, as limerence can be experienced outside of a relationship, such as with a crush.

Polysaturated: a state of being polyamorous but not seeking additional partners, because of the number of existing partners, or because of the time constraints that adding a new relationship would create.

 

[Legion]

Cowboy/cowgirl: someone who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous person with the intention of separating them from any other partners and bringing this person into a monogamous relationship

 

[sunnydee]

Monogamonster

I made up this term in this context after PolyGuy began to express what sounded to my new-to-poly ears something like fears of the "boogie man."

Seeing me as someone that had only a mono past, he expressed concern that I might be seduced away from an openness to be in relationship with him by some unspecified mono person that I might meet and date in the future. He apparently had some experience with this happening.

The Monogamonster, then, is the spectre of monogamy that threatens a poly relationship, but may refer to monogamous partners who may raise that spectre, should a poly person become attached to them.

Interestingly, I actually did have something of a Monogamonster run-in right about the time I saw the new Where the Wild Things Are movie, so now, in my mind, the Monogamonster looks like Carol, the jealous possessive character in that movie.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Monomour: monogamous partner in a mono-poly relationship; shares sexual/romantic affections with a single partner who has other loves

Shares some possessive traits of the Monogamonster, but has no hidden agenda to convert poly partner. Is the exact opposite of the cowboy/cowgirl, in that the monomour relies on the maintenance of existing relationships to avoid becoming a Monogamonster.

See: monogamy, monotony, mine-mine-mine, things to avoid, wet blanket, WTF?!!

 

[cApNhOwDy]

Is there a formal definition for an "open" relationship where there is a bisexual woman and a heterosexual man who are romantically involved, and the bisexual woman is allowed to date other women, but not allowed to date other men?

This is commonly referred to as a one-penis policy (OPP). It's often the source of much debate.

 

[Sweetheart]

Mixed orientation marriage/partnership: a committed partnership or marriage where one partner is straight and the other is gay or bi

(The best known form of mixed-orientation marriage is where the woman is straight and the man is gay or bi. There are many support groups for this situation. Google it or check Wikipedia. Arrangements where the man is straight and the woman is bi/gay are considered rare, but this is only because those arrangements are not reported as often. Draw your own conclusions on that point.)

Mixed-orientation marriages often end in divorce, unless a mutually beneficial solution is found. Polyamory is often cited by psychiatrists and marriage counselors as a healthy way to solve this problem.

 

[Ceoli]

Mixed orientation marriages often end in divorce, unless a mutually beneficial solution is found. Polyamory is often cited by psychiatrists and marriage counselors as a healthy way to solve the problem.
.

I'm curious about where that assessment comes from. Can you point me to the source?

We were contacted by researchers who wanted to study us because I am a straight male and my partner is a bi/gay female. According to them, it was difficult for them to find such arrangements that hadn't dissolved. We answered a survey, but declined the support groups. We were asked if we had tried alternative arrangements. Polyamory was mentioned, as was open marriage. We informed them that we had already found a satisfactory solution on our own, but we thanked them for their interest.

I recommend Wikipedia: mixed orientation marriages as a good starting point if you're interested in the research. That website can answer your questions better than I can. Also, just try doing a search for the term "mixed orientation marriage" and see what comes up.

Now, speaking as a longtime member of the poly community, I know that straight men with bi women is not an unusual arrangement at all. However, these researchers couldn't seem to find very many for their research. Maybe they were just not looking in the right places!

 

[vampiresscammy]

Poly-curious: one interested in polyamory, but not quite ready to engage in the practices yet

Bi-curious: one interested in both sexes, not practicing actual sex yet, or just having sex with one just men or just women, not both yet

Bi-emotional: (as I've been led to believe) is when one woman romantically loves another woman, but no touchy-feely is going on

BDSM terms

Domme: female dominant

Vanilla sex: sex without BDSM

SSC: abbreviation for safe, sane and consensual, indicating the safe, sane and consenting behavior of all involved parties; this mutual consent makes a clear legal and ethical distinction between BDSM and crimes such as sexual assault or domestic violence

Safeword: code word or series of words that are sometimes used in BDSM for a submissive (or "bottom") to unambiguously communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant (or "top"), typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary; some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity.

Subspace/headspace/flying/floating: metaphor for the state of a bottom's mind and body during a deeply involved play scene. (Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses. The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many bottoms to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence. Deep subspace may also cause a danger in newer bottoms who are unfamiliar with the experience, and require the dominant to keep a careful watch to ensure the bottom isn't placing him or her self in danger. Many bottoms require aftercare while returning from subspace.)

Playing: many BDSM practitioners regard the practice of BDSM in their sex life as sexual roleplaying, and therefore speak of it as playing; the execution of such play is termed a session; the contents and the circumstances of the play are often referred to as a scene

TPE: total power exchange

Collar: a device placed around the neck; can be used to show ownership of one partner by another.
(A person wearing a collar to symbolize their relationship with another is said to be collared. Some people conduct formal collaring ceremonies, which are regarded as effectively solemnizing their relationship in a similar way as a marriage ceremony.)

 

[CielDuMatin]

Some really good, and useful definitions here. Thanks to everyone who worked to put this together. Gives us at least a good starting point for discussions.

 

[StitchwitchD]

Polyflexible: someone who can be mono or poly depending on the availability of partners, the preference of the primary partner, or whatever other factors favor one relationship choice over another.

 

[LovingRadiance]

For your entertainment, some BDSM definitions

Dominance and submission: used in reference to a relationship or scene of power exchange, no sadomasochistic acts need be involved

Dominant: a person who possesses a dominating persona and enjoys taking control; may or may not have sadistic tendencies; syn: top

Domination: the erotic control consensually imposed on a submissive, via physical and/or verbal means

Erotic power exchange: term for BDSM, more 'vanilla'/socially acceptable

Limits: a set of personal guidelines and boundaries an individual has in regards to type of play/BDSM activities they do not wish to experience or partake in, including anything that can cause mental, physical, or emotional distress. Some people have two different sets of limits: soft limits are activities that are scary for the person to imagine, but are not totally out of the realm of possibility; and hard limits, activities which the person does not ever wish to experience or explore.

Masochist: used to describe a person that enjoys receiving erotic pain; may or may not have submissive qualities.

Negotiate: conversation held for the purpose of outlining the details of a scene or D/s relationship. It is necessary that all parties agree on the specifics of the scene or relationship before any play or service occurs.

Power exchange: consensual giving up of control by the bottom and accepting of control by the top during an SM scene or relationship.

Property: someone in a contracted relationship with a dominant that relates to the submissive being owned. A submissive who is considered property must get permission from their owner before any interaction takes place with another dominant.

Sadist: someone who specifically enjoys administering pain. (A sadist is not necessarily dominant, nor is a dominant necessarily sadistic.)

Sadomasochism: a term used to describe erotic activities that involve dominance, submission, or the giving and receiving of pain.

Slave: a submissive that lives it to a deeper level and is usually specialized in one or more areas (as valet, maid, chef, companion)

SM, S & M: sadomasochism; erotic power exchange

Submissive: a person who enjoys giving control over to a dominant and derives pleasure from serving the needs of that dominant

Total power exchange: a relationship in which the dominant is in total control over the submissive and dictates all activities

Verbal humiliation: scene that involves degrading a submissive using insults and name-calling; must be negotiated beforehand to assure no emotional limits are crossed

Okay, that's all the entertainment for today.

 

[redpepper]

Oh dear, I don't agree entirely with the definitions above. D/s does involve aspects of masochism. Masochism is not always sexual, although it does conjure up sexual pleasure for the one performing the act on a sub.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Obviously things got moved around again.

RP, I do understand what you are saying. But the thing is, if you research D/s, it doesn't ALWAYS include aspects of s&m, nor does it always include aspects of sex.

It would make MORE sense, if we were going to have the list here, if I changed the list and put the whole definitions list there. But I don't think it will fit in one post.

 

[NeonKaos]

I copied the list of definitions here. It's still in the other thread too. You can add to it or edit it as much as the system allows.