Happy, excited and scared :)

Laika

New member
Hey,

My first thread was about a possible mmf triad which didnt really work in the end. We kust hang out all together.(http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78284)

Now, I have another triad on the horizon which seems like it'll work in the end. It's kind of different. I met with a guy during a speeddating event and during the after party i overheard him talking about swinger parties. So i was pretty sure he would be someone like me. We had a date and sex was amazing because we were totally open with each other. He told me he is poly and a dominant as in DS which made me really really happy too. It was our first time but felt like the thousand. We also talked about his other partner and we might come together.

So, we talked online we are kinda forming a FMF triad now. I told them everything in advance; like I'm open to a triad both romantically and sexually and wanted to know their relationship because i didn't want any unicorn hunters. Thats when i found she is really submissive and he is dominant and we all like to have sex a lot. I felt like i found an oasis in a desert.

But, they know each other for 3 years. they were friends but have a sexual relationship for the last 3 months. F is a divorced 35 yo and M is 32 yo. I'm the youngest and probably the inexperienced one. Nothing happened between of us yet. But it will, next week.

I'm really excited and also scared because i don't know them at all. They were friends for years. I have no idea how things will work out since one is submissive and the other is dominant. I guess the guy who is the dominant will be ruling this relationship. I'm also scared because i get too excited too soon. Because I also want to show emotions in my relationships no matter if it is poly or mono and it seems like everybody is so afraid to have emotions lately :(

Anyway, I just wanted to share :)
 
Hi Laika,

Sounds like a promising prospect with this new couple, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and hope there's no need to be nervous. Also as far as I'm concerned, having emotions in your relationships is okay!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I guess the guy who is the dominant will be ruling this relationship.

"Dominant" doesn't automatically mean that he rules the relationship. If you prefer that, of course it's your call, but a Dominant isn't ipso facto the person in control. Relationships are always co-creations and in my experience, if there is any partner more influential in how and what things go down, it's the Sub. The Dom's rules can provide structure, but in my experience, the Sub's safety, expansion and pleasure are the heart and focus of the D/S relationship.

Also, know that preferring to be sexually topped is an option for you. A full on D/S relationship is quite a commitment and if you're not ready for that with these people, which is understandable given the short length of your relationship, it might be helpful to think of yourself as preferring to be a bottom sexually while otherwise being an autonomous, independent person. Emotional involvement often evolves out of sexual entanglement and it's good to have partners who have similar emotional visions, but you don't want to be losing yourself by getting into a Dom/Sub dynamic right off the bat. Taking things slowly is almost always the more stable and emotionally satisfying course.
 
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Thanks, you are great. I am not that experienced and you make so much sense. They didn't offer me a full Dom/sub relationship but that what i understood from their situation so far.

Eventhough i like being a bottom sexually, I'm always an independent person and i don't like everything a dom might want or at least i like to be "rebel" or reject. I don't like to be fully dominated. But i think i might like their companion. We'll see i am not rushing into anything. But i told what i wouldn't like from the begining and so far it looks like we can communicate openly and we are all on the same page.
 
Update

We met, all together. Here are my observations and some questions to myself. I'm going to write them so maybe someone would like to comment.

They have a strong bond since they were friends first. I could see they love each other and trust each other fully. They are theoretically open but she is not seeing someone outside of this relationship. She is a total sub in bed and partially in her life. She told me she is not bisexual but can get pleasure from anything. I didn't understand what that meant.

Before we met as a trio, I also asked the guy when i can see him alone too that week and he said we won't and he would like me to obey his rules. Anyway, after we met we had a 3some. It was good till the choking part. I am not used to D/S act much but also we didn't talk about it spesifically in the begining. I was not expecting it which made me scared. And I was pissed that he didn't get my consent for it. He backed off after I stated that.

They had small talks between each other in whispers which i didn't like much. I told them upfront what i expect from a relationship and what not. I told them I didn't want to be "the appetizer" in their relationship.

Alsoee have a whatsapp group and I noticed when they are together, she is the one who answers in his behalf too. for example; "we" are fine. Maybe its because I don't know her yet but I have a feeling like she is not totally ok with me. Or maybe it's because she wants to stay as the primary lover.

Ofcourse it's really early to say anything, these are my first impressions and maybe I'm analyzing too much. But it looks like it'll be a V with ocassional 3somes. If it evolves to be a relationship though....
 
Hi Laika,

Sounds like there are many unknowns in your situation so far. I guess my advice would be to take it slow and figure things out a little at a time. I've never been in a D/s situation, but I've been told the sub's happiness is supposed to be the Dom's main concern.

Good luck and keep those updates coming ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
She told me she is not bisexual but can get pleasure from anything. I didn't understand what that meant.

[…]

Alsoee have a whatsapp group and I noticed when they are together, she is the one who answers in his behalf too. for example; "we" are fine. Maybe its because I don't know her yet but I have a feeling like she is not totally ok with me. Or maybe it's because she wants to stay as the primary lover.

.

I would interpret this as her being frank that she does not desire you sexually, but is happy with you fucking her in a threesome context, and maybe her fucking you if instructed by him. I think your intuition is right that this is destined to be a V, with some kinky play with all. I guess you have to ask yourself if that's the kind of relationship you want. I'd clarify with him if he EVER expects you guys to be able to hook up one on one. Personally, I don't think there's much scope for relationship building if you only ever get to see him with her present. You still need to have space to find the limits of yours and his (D/s or otherwise) relationship, and right now it comes across more as a sexy add-on to their dynamic than anything else. Still, it's early days I suppose.
 
It sounds like he thinks he can just boss you around without having any kind of agreement which spells things out about what you will and will not accept. Choking, when it wasn't discussed beforehand? Not okay!!! Red flag #1. You need to get clear on things first. It also sounds like she is going along with having threesomes because he tells her to, even though she's not bisexual. Red Flag #2. And icky. His informing you that you will never have alone time with him, and that you need to obey him? When you're new at this and have no agreement? Red Flag #3. There are Doms and there are Dom-Asses, and he sounds like a jerk.

Did you use protection, talk about your safer sex protocols? If you like fucking people you don't know, you need to really set some good boundaries.

They sound dangerous to me. You seem to like risky behavior, but I think you would be better off seeking people in the kink and BDSM community who know what the fuck they're doing.
 
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Laika, there is so much wrong here, I can only urge you to, as we say here in the States, get the hell outta Dodge!!! That means leave - and quickly. In kink, you don't just obey some self-assigned Dom's rules and choking without prior consent is WRONG. In a good threesome situation, nobody pairs off and whispers, excluding the third, and no woman tolerates another for the sake of pleasing her man. Don't kid yourself that it's too early to say. You've seen and experienced plenty enough with these two that tells you this is not going to go well. Don't focus on blaming them and their bad behavior, just focus on yourself and choosing people who are going to be part of your positive growth. Kink is exciting and expansive, but should always feel positive to you. If for any reason you get a weird, unsafe or selfish vibe from anyone - stop. Don't "give this a chance." Get out now.
 
the sub's happiness is supposed to be the Dom's main concern.

Absolutely. It's all about the Sub's pleasure and expansion, not about following the Dom's commands no matter what. There should be clear and thorough mutual understanding before any kinky interaction. It's NEVER about just doing what he tells you to do or submitting to whatever he feels like dishing out. NEVER. You want to talk about things before hand and proceed to play if and only if you feel absolutely sure about allowing this person to have control over your body. Personally, I can't imagine doing any kind of kink with someone I haven't had at least three dates with plus a lot of other communication. Allowing someone to restrain you (for starters) is a serious decision and the word "play" is really misleading.
 
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She told me she is not bisexual but can get pleasure from anything. I didn't understand what that meant.

It means that she will let you go down on her but she won't, in a million years, reciprocate. It means that she is having threesomes to please her man, not for her own pleasure. It means this is not a good situation!
 
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