Has anyone dealt with ASSumers?

Awkwardlywaving

New member
I recently joined Hinge for my poly journey and so far I had one jackass "ask" me if I am open to FWB's after I told him that I am poly, I was not able to answer him since I was very busy and he decided that I said no even before I could respond. He decided to be rude and disrespectful to me. I have no issue with FWB, however, I like for relationships with each partner to develop naturally without any malicious agenda attached and if we (me and potential partner) feel like an FWB would be better for our particular structure than no problem. Ugh.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Awkwardlywaving,

Some people make asinine assumptions, I know it doesn't feel like it but you are actually lucky, this guy showed you his true colors right off the bat. Sure you are open to FWB relationships, but why should he know that? If he's going to be rude and disrespectful, let him go, and good riddance. It's unfortunate that we have to deal with that, it hurts when somebody acts that way. Hold out for someone (FWB or otherwise) who will treat you right.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I recently joined Hinge for my poly journey and so far I had one jackass "ask" me if I am open to FWB's after I told him that I am poly

Can you clarify what it was about this question that made you classify them as a "jackass"?

It sounds like they asked you a legitimate question so there is likely something I'm not picking up on.
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
Can you clarify what it was about this question that made you classify them as a "jackass"?

It sounds like they asked you a legitimate question so there is likely something I'm not picking up on.
It was more of the tone of the message, like he assumed that ALL poly relationships are just free-for-all sex and that he was hoping to take advantage of that with me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I was very busy and he decided that I said no even before I could respond. He decided to be rude and disrespectful to me.

Sorry you had to deal with that. Asking if you are up for FWB is fine.

Acting like a jerk at you when you don't reply right away or outright decline is not.

It's like they ask "Hey, wassup?" and if you aren't instantly there to text them back? They get all "Fine, then, you stuck up bitch!"

It was more of the tone of the message, like he assumed that ALL poly relationships are just free-for-all sex and that he was hoping to take advantage of that with me.

I'm not sure if men get that experience the same... but I've had that experience as woman.

There's a reason why that one button/t-shirt/meme exists -- "Bi, poly, and I still won't sleep with you." Or variations of it.

Because so many dudes hear a woman is poly and then think it must mean she's easy and/or up for anything any time.

One time a dude asked me since I was sleeping with X, why wouldn't I sleep with him? Like mad and offended that I wouldn't sleep with him.

Um... because *** I *** get to pick where my body goes and how I choose to share it or not. He's not entitled to sex from me just cuz. I'm not a candy bar everyone just gets a bite of whenever they want. Jeez.

Your dude sounded weird. Call it bullet dodged. Try your best to brush it off and move on.

GG
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
It was more of the tone of the message, like he assumed that ALL poly relationships are just free-for-all sex and that he was hoping to take advantage of that with me.

Eh, just sounds like he had a fair question, trying to figure out what your "deal" is.

It's ignorant, for sure, but ignorance is just the absence of information which is what he seemed to be angling to get. If I had any advice for you it would be to un-clinch a bit about how people respond to the fact that you are non-monogamous. I'd much rather someone ask me a direct question, even if it is ill informed, over people just assuming the worst and then roaming around spreading their misunderstanding.
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
Eh, just sounds like he had a fair question, trying to figure out what your "deal" is.

It's ignorant, for sure, but ignorance is just the absence of information which is what he seemed to be angling to get. If I had any advice for you it would be to un-clinch a bit about how people respond to the fact that you are non-monogamous. I'd much rather someone ask me a direct question, even if it is ill informed, over people just assuming the worst and then roaming around spreading their misunderstanding.
Better to be safe rather than taken advantage of. Especially since he jumped to the FWB/sex thing instead of asking if I was interested in the poly way romantically.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I recently joined Hinge for my poly journey and so far I had one jackass "ask" me if I am open to FWB's after I told him that I am poly, I was not able to answer him since I was very busy and he decided that I said no even before I could respond. He decided to be rude and disrespectful to me. I have no issue with FWB, however, I like for relationships with each partner to develop naturally without any malicious agenda attached and if we (me and potential partner) feel like an FWB would be better for our particular structure than no problem. Ugh.

I've dealt with this a couple of times on other poly/enm message boards and I just immediately put those dudes on ignore. At least they told you up front what they were like instead of you investing in time and resources into them for a few months.

I am not trying to make light of this clown town being well...a jack wagon. But I am happy you didn't get into some long, drawn out thing with this dude and it wound up being worse down the road. Here's to better matches, though! :)
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I mean, the number of dudes on fetlife that assume I’d be down for a secret affair is truly ridiculous but I roll my eyes and move on…
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I mean, the number of dudes on fetlife that assume I’d be down for a secret affair is truly ridiculous but I roll my eyes and move on…


Hell, even on reddit :rolleyes::cautious:😩
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Hell, even on reddit :rolleyes::cautious:😩
Everywhere!!!

I know that poly women have an additional challenge since lots of people don't understand the concept, but women in general are barraged by men looking for sex any which way. To me, this is just part of the female experience - especially when we put ourselves out into dating situations.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
At least they told you up front what they were like instead of you investing in time and resources into them for a few months.

I'm not sure what other criteria I would attempt to measure this situation. Two total strangers meet, one of them says "I'm polyamorous", the other person who doesn't completely understand what that means asks a direct question.

In my world this is exactly the way positive communication works. I mean... it's best case scenario. Calling people names because they asked a direct question doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Am I missing context?

I know that poly women have an additional challenge since lots of people don't understand the concept, but women in general are barraged by men looking for sex any which way. To me, this is just part of the female experience - especially when we put ourselves out into dating situations.

The process of putting ourselves out there in a dating situation is just the worst, on all sides. Men get no responses at all, and women resent the number of responses they do get. It seems like such a lose lose.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
The process of putting ourselves out there in a dating situation is just the worst, on all sides. Men get no responses at all, and women resent the number of responses they do get. It seems like such a lose lose.

I can appreciate the equally lame position that men are in when it comes to dating protocol.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
In my world this is exactly the way positive communication works. I mean... it's best case scenario. Calling people names because they asked a direct question doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Am I missing context?
Yeah, you're missing the context of what it's like to be a poly woman on a dating site. I initially approached it with extreme patience and assuming the best intentions from the guys messaging me...and quickly realized I could be much quicker and less forgiving at screening out certain guys.

I am someone who WAS open to FWB relationships, but I soon found many guys' approach off-putting (and that's not even counting the outright gross and creepy messages). The issue is that these were mostly-monogamous guys who weren't at all poly, but were like "Oh cool a non-monogamous woman, that must mean instant casual sex and I can still look for a real girlfriend!"

When I tried to engage them in conversation and explain more about where I was coming from and what I was looking for, they got rude real fast.

One guy seemed like someone I might like...I suggested a date but explained that I was finishing my grad school semester in the next two weeks so it would have to be after that. His response was explosively angry. "You're looking for casual sex and you're not available for two weeks! I guess you have a really high opinion of yourself!" Yup, stuck up bitch, that's me.

We've all had that experience, AwkwardlyWaving.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I've read this thread a few times trying to really get to the bottom of the ASSuming part. Here's what I've got, but I can't be sure I'm right either.

1. Guy asks question.

2. OP delays answer because busy.

3. Guy assumes (wrong) answer rather than simply waiting for OP to reply for themselves.

4. Guy could have been right and it would still have offended OP because guy didn't wait for OP to reply for themselves.

5. Guy *might* have replied to OP that way because he was afraid he had overstepped and was trying to back off with some dignity in tact. (Yep, that's me assuming, too, based on my own personal experience). Guy was just going by past experience.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I think it's the maliciousness that OP is referring to. And that's what I mean. It was scary and dismaying to discover how many men expected they could obtain sex from me while utterly disliking me as a person / or not really thinking of me as a person even.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I guess without seeing the actual texts (which is obviously not required) we'll never know what level of "rude and disrespectful" Guy was. I agree there could have been maliciousness. That his ego-protecting behaviour could be at that vicious level that we are sadly quite familiar with.

I wish guys would teach each other how to gracefully exit such conversations.

I actually had a lovely exchange this morning. I might post it on my blog when I have time.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
"You're looking for casual sex and you're not available for two weeks! I guess you have a really high opinion of yourself!"

People really suck, I agree, men and women. Getting out there and exposing ourselves to the unwashed masses in the hope of finding connection is one of the worst things I can imagine doing to myself. It's tough, and everyone seems like they have just given up and allowed themselves to be reduced to aggressive trolls.

I simply don't have an expectation that people I meet online aren't going to be crazy assholes, men and women.

I wish guys would teach each other how to gracefully exit such conversations.

The next Man League meeting is Friday where we discuss how to make women's lives more difficult. I'll bring it up.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
The next Man League meeting is Friday where we discuss how to make women's lives more difficult. I'll bring it up.
Oh ha ha.

Right now, it does seem like, largely, you teach each other that if a woman declines and advance that you then need to convince each other that you didn't really care anyway. That sometimes spills over to being directly rude to said woman. But you know this happens.

So, would it be so terrible if the "plenty more fish in the sea" approach was made acceptable, alongside, perhaps, taking ownership for the fishing methods rather than blaming the fish? To overly extend the metaphor :)
 
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