Has anyone dealt with ASSumers?

HaloOnFire

Active member
I'm not sure what other criteria I would attempt to measure this situation. Two total strangers meet, one of them says "I'm polyamorous", the other person who doesn't completely understand what that means asks a direct question.

In my world this is exactly the way positive communication works. I mean... it's best case scenario. Calling people names because they asked a direct question doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Am I missing context?


Others have weighed in, so now it is my turn. IMO, actions speak louder than words. So the individual taking umbrage with OP because she did not respond as quickly and in the manner of HIS choosing, not HERS, let's at least me know that the guy is no good. If s/he is like this at the very earliest of stages, then it will probably be in all likelihood to be a thousand times worse once the ball got rolling.

I learned a long time ago to believe people when they show me who they really are.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
One guy seemed like someone I might like...I suggested a date but explained that I was finishing my grad school semester in the next two weeks so it would have to be after that. His response was explosively angry. "You're looking for casual sex and you're not available for two weeks! I guess you have a really high opinion of yourself!" Yup, stuck up bitch, that's me.

We've all had that experience, AwkwardlyWaving.


Not speaking for anyone else in the room, but I had this more than once when I was just single and dating merrily away. I never understood how someone could not imagine that a person would have a ton of stuff going on at any one time (work, school, family, friends, etc). I swear, some of these people act like others are just sitting around waiting on that other person's swipe like it's their JOB or something.

Wacky.
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I swear, some of these people act like others are just sitting around waiting on that other person's swipe like it's their JOB or something.

Wacky.

I'd imagine that if a person is used to the Tinder universe, this is exactly the mindset. Doesn't messaging on Tinder imply that both people are down for meeting up that very day? This assumption may now extend to all dating apps, unless you're on Silver Singles. ;)
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I'd imagine that if a person is used to the Tinder universe, this is exactly the mindset. Doesn't messaging on Tinder imply that both people are down for meeting up that very day? This assumption may now extend to all dating apps, unless you're on Silver Singles. ;)
No, my experience was 10 or 11 years ago on OKCupid, back before Tinder (or at least before Tinder got super popular), and before OKC was bought by Match(dot)com, when OKC had a focus on long profiles and intelligent questions. But, you could also get messages from anyone on OKC, hence a lot of creepiness. It was definitely before the instant swiping Tinder mentality.

At the time, I wasn't sure if my experience was particular to non-monogamous dating or if that's what happens in online dating in general. Probably the latter, but at the time I was new to non-monogamy and struggling, and it felt like I was getting these messages because I was openly identifying as non-monogamous. I had no poly community or poly friends to turn to at that time, and I was grieving the end of a relationship in which my ex had said some very cruel things to me about me being non-monogamous...so it was a pretty difficult time for me. I was filled with lots of doubts and guilt.

Luckily, I met my partner on OKC soon after.

Now I'm attempting OKCupid again in the hopes of meeting a second partner...to eliminate the creepiness, they've made it so you can only get messages if you both "like" each other...which actually makes the site pretty useless. No creepy messages though. LOL.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
No, my experience was 10 or 11 years ago on OKCupid, back before Tinder (or at least before Tinder got super popular), and before OKC was bought by Match(dot)com, when OKC had a focus on long profiles and intelligent questions. But, you could also get messages from anyone on OKC, hence a lot of creepiness. It was definitely before the instant swiping Tinder mentality.

At the time, I wasn't sure if my experience was particular to non-monogamous dating or if that's what happens in online dating in general. Probably the latter, but at the time I was new to non-monogamy and struggling, and it felt like I was getting these messages because I was openly identifying as non-monogamous. I had no poly community or poly friends to turn to at that time, and I was grieving the end of a relationship in which my ex had said some very cruel things to me about me being non-monogamous...so it was a pretty difficult time for me. I was filled with lots of doubts and guilt.

Luckily, I met my partner on OKC soon after.

Now I'm attempting OKCupid again in the hopes of meeting a second partner...to eliminate the creepiness, they've made it so you can only get messages if you both "like" each other...which actually makes the site pretty useless. No creepy messages though. LOL.
Yeah, I was fairly OK with the occasional first message of, "I want to f--k you in the a$$," rather than being unable to browse potential dating partners at all! I gave up on OKC over 2 years ago, after struggling with the "new" format for a year or so.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Right now, it does seem like, largely, you teach each other that if a woman declines and advance that you then need to convince each other that you didn't really care anyway. That sometimes spills over to being directly rude to said woman.

I hope that this is meant to be irony. I can't tell via text.
 

Inaniel

Active member
Since everyone in this thread is being a generalizing ASSumer I figure I will join in on the fun…

I am guessing there are many frustrated men on dating apps that become jaded about ghosting and flaking and they take frustrations out on women in the early messages.

On a similar note, there are a many frustrated women who get ghosted and flaked after sex and become jaded any time a man wants to end a dynamic at any point after sex has occurred.

I have definitely had to deal with ASSuming women being rude to me when I simply didn’t want to continue having a sexual relationship with them…
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I hope that this is meant to be irony. I can't tell via text.
Nope, no irony. This really is what I see around me regularly. That is partly because I work with teenagers and they are filterless creatures much of the time, but it still reflects an attitude acquired from somewhere, most likely older (extended) family members. And some men persist in this behaviour well into adulthood.

If you don't see such behaviours in your community's young men, then I am quite willing to admit that NZ culture can absolutely augment this until it's clearly visible. We have problems. And the girls, wow, they can be absolutely awful in how they treat boys. There are still toxic relationship messages being passed from older to younger. Unacceptable behaviour is still acceptable and normalised and actually encouraged. Yes, it's more overt in young people with under developed pre-frontal cortices, but they are just reflecting what they are learning from those they look up to. So, can we change the lesson they are getting.
 

Arc

Member
Not sure how relevant this is but...

I had a coffee date scheduled last week. She texted me late the night before, apologizing, saying she wanted to reschedule due to shortage of sleep.

I was disappointed, felt a bit wounded, like, darn she must not like me THAT much. This led to some mild insecurity.

(I was also a little relieved because I was anxious about the whole thing! Now I could just think about dating instead of doing it)

Response options were:

1) get angry - that seems like the internet-style response people have been complaining about here. She feels like shit and I feel powerful, I guess?

2) Highlight my own feelings and make her feel bad for making me feel bad, maybe in a playful way so she still goes out with me out of guilt

3) Say I understand, sleep is important for self care, and ask her to reach out when she had time.

4) I guess another option, in line with the OP topic, would have been to ask something direct like "Okay, catch up on sleep. But when will you be interested in having sex with me?" But that would have been pretty socially inept.

Of course I did #3. If I strerch my mind, I can sort of imagine the first 2 options if i wanted to act out my emotions on someone who wasn't real to me because I hadn't met her. But besides being mean, options 1 and 2 feel humiliating.

The only risk I can think of for #3 is in coming across like I could take the date or leave it. Typical male dating socialization is that women want to feel wanted, to the point that they like or want mild pressure (see bazillions of movies).

I suppose because I was raised by a single mom and have never had that many male friends, I never learned that stuff. The downside is that I'm not very outgoing at dating so probably miss a lot of opportunities - I still feel awkward showing someone I like them in that way.

The upside is that a lot of toxic male stuff seems foreign and abhorrent to me.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I'd imagine that if a person is used to the Tinder universe, this is exactly the mindset. Doesn't messaging on Tinder imply that both people are down for meeting up that very day? This assumption may now extend to all dating apps, unless you're on Silver Singles. ;)


Probably. I am old so therefore this mindset is a bit bizarre to me. I was once talking to a dude who wound up complaining that I "didn't respond fast enough" when he sent me an IM. Like, dude, I was elbow deep in Thanksgiving prep at the time, at work, in meetings, whatever it was at the time.

I told him that I felt like a mom who had just returned from work and was being besieged by needy children and I haven't even put my briefcase down in the hallway yet. He took exception to that, so I just ended it because why put sun on trees that will probably not bear any fruit? I wished him well and told him that I hoped he found what he was looking for, I just wasn't it obviously.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I suppose because I was raised by a single mom and have never had that many male friends, I never learned that stuff. The downside is that I'm not very outgoing at dating so probably miss a lot of opportunities - I still feel awkward showing someone I like them in that way.

If it makes you feel any better, I have dated a ton in my former life and I am still like this. I really, really dislike that extraordinarily awkward phase of not knowing how to express that, thinking about the possible rejection (keeping in mind the whole "for every action, there is an equal AND opposite REaction" thing), etc.

So, you are not alone in that regard. :)
 
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Arc

Member
If it makes you feel any better, I have dated a ton in my former life and I am still like this. I really, really dislike that extraordinarily awkward phase of not knowing how to express that, thinking about the possible rejection (keeping in mind the whole "for every action, there is an equal AND opposite REaction" thing), etc.

So, you are not alone in that regard. :)
Glad I'm not alone, and that it hasn't somehow stopped you from successfully dating! Any tips for overcoming that awkwardness? (not to take this thread way off topic...)
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Glad I'm not alone, and that it hasn't somehow stopped you from successfully dating! Any tips for overcoming that awkwardness? (not to take this thread way off topic...)


Let me PM you so as not to throw the topic off any more :)
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
Damn I was gone for about what two weeks and this happened. Lol. So, I have moved on from this asshole but just my area in general is shitty for trying to find a person who is interested in polyamory. I do have difficulties with social interactions due to a disability but this dude just gave me "fuckboy" vibes from the jump so....
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Damn I was gone for about what two weeks and this happened. Lol. So, I have moved on from this asshole but just my area in general is shitty for trying to find a person who is interested in polyamory. I do have difficulties with social interactions due to a disability but this dude just gave me "fuckboy" vibes from the jump so....

Are you new to online dating? I ask because it's a bloodbath out there and I'm just curious if this is shocking because it's something you just hadn't been exposed to yet.

It's good to realize that there are lots of people we aren't going to jive with for one reason or another, most in fact, and to embrace that reality. The consequences of getting constantly pissed off and indignant about it is that stuff comes across in your profile and how you interact.

For me, I find online dating to be powerfully frustrating and one of the reasons is that so many of the women are jaded and ripping pissed off about the whole thing. I've seen so many profiles that read like a lengthy threat and angry rant that it's hard to imagine finding a connection in those places. From what I can tell the only men reaching out to women are bumbling assholes, and the only women who stay in spite of that are angry assholes.

Modern dating just might not be for me. I'd rather try to be social in social groups related to an activity, and sift my way through to see if there is anyone to connect with. It's got a low chance of success but it can't possibly be any lower than using dating sites.
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
Are you new to online dating? I ask because it's a bloodbath out there and I'm just curious if this is shocking because it's something you just hadn't been exposed to yet.

It's good to realize that there are lots of people we aren't going to jive with for one reason or another, most in fact, and to embrace that reality. The consequences of getting constantly pissed off and indignant about it is that stuff comes across in your profile and how you interact.

For me, I find online dating to be powerfully frustrating and one of the reasons is that so many of the women are jaded and ripping pissed off about the whole thing. I've seen so many profiles that read like a lengthy threat and angry rant that it's hard to imagine finding a connection in those places. From what I can tell the only men reaching out to women are bumbling assholes, and the only women who stay in spite of that are angry assholes.

Modern dating just might not be for me. I'd rather try to be social in social groups related to an activity, and sift my way through to see if there is anyone to connect with. It's got a low chance of success but it can't possibly be any lower than using dating sites.
No, I have been online dating for a very long time so no I am not new. I do not know why you assume that I am new to online dating. if I was new I would've gone with the first person who showed any interest in me. I have learned over time to not automatically trust people who display "interest" in me.
 

Inaniel

Active member
Perhaps your volatile inclination to call someone nasty names like "jackass" and "asshole" for the mere transgression of having a bad "vibe" plays a role in your dating frustrations?
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
Perhaps your volatile inclination to call someone nasty names like "jackass" and "asshole" for the mere transgression of having a bad "vibe" plays a role in your dating frustrations?
Maybe you shouldn't be gaslighting disabled women for their legitimate fears of being left dead in ditches?
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
Perhaps your volatile inclination to call someone nasty names like "jackass" and "asshole" for the mere transgression of having a bad "vibe" plays a role in your dating frustrations?
Also, Google the statistics surrounding disabled women and domestic violence, sexual abuse, and rape then come back and try to accuse me of being "volatile" again.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I do not know why you assume that I am new to online dating.
Marcus asked a question. Asking a question is not making an assumption, it's asking a question. The rest of his post is an empathetic identification with how online dating is problematic. If you see an assumption where there is simply a question, and claim someone is gaslighting you all they actually did was hold up a metaphorical mirror, then you are indeed presenting a volatile reaction to readers.
 
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