Have you lost anything from being poly?

quincess

New member
Hi, I would like to ask if anyone feels they have lost anything from adopting polyamorous relationships - if there is anything they miss about being monogamous. I am pretty new to poly relationships and trying to make sure it is the right decision for me before committing. Thanks :)
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
Yes I lost "family" who would not could not accept my lifestyle. I cut them out of my life and I haven't spoken with my parents in 4 years.

Being Poly also contributed to my losing my job last month. I don't mind that loss one bit. They were judgmental stuck up people who claimed to be pious conservative Catholic. Yet didn't follow Jesus' teachings what so ever.

I do not miss anything about being monogamous.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Hi, I would like to ask if anyone feels they have lost anything from adopting polyamorous relationships

Yes - I lost 25 pounds off my body when I chose to open up to my sexual desires and stop running from the fears from which I perceived my weight to be protecting me. Now I fully experience intimate connections of many types - desires, fears, questions, delights and pleasures - and enjoy relationships mostly for what they truly are, not for what I fear or hope they will be. As for commitment, I'm not sure that's even a meaningful word to me anymore. I wouldn't say I'm "committed" to poly or mono or any particular way of life that needs to be adhered to. There's no committee checking and revoking credentials, as far as I know. I certainly appreciate and embrace my marriage of 16 years in ways I never did before, but that is because I appreciate myself in ways I never did before, not because I re-upped on a tour of duty. I love & appreciate new relationships for however long they remain mutually desired. If one's commitment is to authenticity and appreciation, then everybody wins in the long run. There really is no loss.
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
I lost family too, but it's been about a year since we broke the news and most of them have come around.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I've also lost some freedom - as a hinge, I have to schedule like crazy. Also, it's a pain in the ass sometimes, realizing that I am going to have to repeat a conversation I had with one guy later, to the other. And sometimes I forget who I talked to, which means they get annoyed - you already told me that! Or if I forget altogether, which means someone is unhappy. Lol It's a struggle when we have a lot going on!
 

Nadya

Member
I have never been monogamous, but I do have experience about having only one serious relationship. So comparing one life partner vs. two...

Yes, lost some freedom.

Or rather: used my freedom to make a lot of commitments. My life is not full of scheduling - our home life is pretty relaxed, and we don't have regular scheduled date nights or such. But, we do have a lot to do at home, several projects.

Also I have lost contact with basically all those people whom I do not feel close enough to come out of the poly closet. Some of them were removed from "friends" to "aqcuaintances".
 

LoveBunny

Active member
My marriage fell apart. It may well have been doomed to do so anyway, poly wasn't our only problem. But I could no longer tolerate monogamy, husband tried to allow me relationships outside the marriage, but it made him miserable. I had to let him go.

Currently, we're separated but still very close. I suspect I haven't "lost" HIM, just the relationship/marriage as it was, which wasn't working well for me anyway on a few levels. Whatever we are morphing into (close friends? brother/sister?) might ultimately be better, I don't know I'm still kind of in the midst of it. Ask me if I fell I've "lost" anything in 6 months I might have a better answer.

Currently, no, I do not miss being monogamous.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
The only thing I think I've lost is a certain amount of romantic fantasy. I used to be very invested in the idea of the happily-ever-after sort of love story, soul mates and one true love and all that jazz. It's a pretty easy place to stay, when one marries one's high school sweetheart.

Now I've realized that life is far more complicated, and far far richer, than that fantasy, and happily ever after takes work and might still not happen. I think I might have come to that realization anyway with age, and I suspect poly allowed me to lose those blinders without losing my relationship with TheKnight, but some small part of me still mourns that innocence.
 

central

Member
I don't think I've lost anything, except limits on my freedom and thinking.

We are older and live far from other family, so we have simply kept our lifestyle quiet, informing only some close friends and some people we interact with frequently and trust. We also live in the "Bible Belt" so discretion is a survival trait! lol That doesn't really have any material impact on us or our relationships, though.
 

reflections

New member
The only thing I think I've lost is a certain amount of romantic fantasy. I used to be very invested in the idea of the happily-ever-after sort of love story, soul mates and one true love and all that jazz. It's a pretty easy place to stay, when one marries one's high school sweetheart.

Now I've realized that life is far more complicated, and far far richer, than that fantasy, and happily ever after takes work and might still not happen. I think I might have come to that realization anyway with age, and I suspect poly allowed me to lose those blinders without losing my relationship with TheKnight, but some small part of me still mourns that innocence.

This. A million times this. I very much believed that Roger would be my one and only for the rest of my life. We became a "married old couple" very quickly in our relationship - and it felt comfortable. Being monogamous provided me with a (false) sense of security about our relationship and a feeling of being special/valued without much conscious work on either of our parts. And lots and lots of down time together. While in retrospect we were quite co-dependent for many years, there are times that I still grieve the comforts (and simplicity?) of our monogamous life. Sometimes it feels like I took a red pill and went further down the rabbit hole.

If I could go back in time, would I change it? Not for the world. While opening up our relationship has, at times, been tremendously painful, it has also promoted a kind of growth in myself and within my relationships that I cannot begin to describe. After being in a monogamous relationship for so long, dating Jack has opened a world of possibilities of who I am as a partner, how I'd like to continue to grow, what I want in a partner, what my needs are, how I express love, etc. And the growth I get to witness in Roger (and I suspect Jack if/when he dates someone else) has been worth all of the incredible pain (and occasionally still can be) of opening up, for me. Although polyamory for me includes coordinating with four people's schedules, communicating ALL the time, and spending much more time alone than I used to, I've learned (learning?) to embrace these changes. But I'm lucky enough to receive twice the amount of support during these changes from partners who love me deeply! :D

I certainly don't think polyamory is for everyone, but I know it is right for me, right now. Best of luck deciding.
 

MusicalRose

Member
I have lost a lot of things. I lost my husband and our nearly six year relationship. I lost a lot of friends. I lost a lot of naivete, and I lost a lot of fear. In the past year, I've lost my home, my dreamt of future, and a lot of nasty codependent behaviors.

I've gained myself. I've gained myself out of nearly seven years of anxiety, a lifetime of abuse and codependency, and in spite of all the loss, I found what was underneath it all. I gained the most important thing I possibly could, the ability to love myself, and I think it has opened me up to be able to truly love others.
 

quincess

New member
Thanks for all of your responses! I have actually found them incredibly helpful.

Sorry to hear from all of you who have lost friends, family and even jobs from being poly. It is sad how judgemental people can be.

HappilyFallenAngel I like your concept of being committed to authenticity and appreciation rather than a particular relation style. I have a fear of committing to someone and finding out 6 months down the line realising that poly is not what best suits me and causing hurt to others. Although of course with any relationship it is impossible to predict how our needs will change in the future. We have had a "false start" already and are a lot more aware now of what our needs are and how to communicate them better.

Icesong I can relate to your comment; I never saw myself as being invested in the whole disney happily-ever-after stuff, but actually I see I have had a lot of beliefs around how a (monogamous) relationship must be the centre of my life and is the only thing that can really make me personally and spiritually fulfilled. Kinda scary when I see I was carrying that around with me, and not surprising that my last long-term monogamous relationship didn't work out with so much pressure on it.

And MusicalRose I am glad you have lost a lot of naivete and fear and see that those are things a poly relationship can help me lose too.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
We have had a "false start" already and are a lot more aware now of what our needs are and how to communicate them better.
Ah, but no relationship (or era in a relationship) is false, wrong or wasted time when you gain such golden insight and a helpful, new perspective. We all bumble through relationships. People who get good at them do so only from experience and reflection, so you're on the right path.


I have a fear of committing to someone and finding out 6 months down the line realising that poly is not what best suits me and causing hurt to others.
Feeling hurt is part of life and if allowed in, usually passes quite quickly. Also if allowed in, feeling hurt brings valuable new information and fresh perspective about what might be preferred next time. It's really not the actual feeling of hurt that gets gobbed up inside, but the fear. The only way you will know whether certain kinds of people and relationships are for you is to experience them. You can go into them confidently knowing that the other person/people are drawn to you for similar reasons, to explore what is right for them. Whether the relationship is short lived or long lived, both (all) of you will gain so very much from having been together. If you navigate relationships with sincerity and appreciation, there really is no need to worry about outcomes, for everybody gains if they are open to learning.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi quincess,

I want to say that in starting to live a poly life, I lost the appreciation I desperately needed to feel towards my then-wife. But I can't say that because that loss of appreciation was the fault of me, not of poly. I almost want to say it's the fault of NRE, but that, too, I cannot say, since first of all I chose the path that would lead me into NRE, and subsequently chose to let NRE trump my ability to think and have compassion.

Still I can say that I finally learned appreciation, and now I miss the precious monogamous life my wife and I used to have together. I miss it largely because I finally realize how much she missed it (before she passed away).

But I am a huge supporter of poly living, and enjoy a damn easy life due to how kind my poly partners are to me. If anything I have gained more than I ever deserved to gain in this life. I wouldn't trade what I have now for the world.
 

jdj

New member
loss or adjustment?

I don't know if I would consider it a loss or more just a shift in priorities. Since finding my girlfriend and her moving in with us I have stopped any other outside sexual relationships. Amanda just cannot handle me or my husband having any other sexual partners. Since I have always been a free spirit sexually it took some time to adjust. But we'd rather have her in our lives and bed. Everyone's poly is different and I think if you really feel you're losing something then you need to reevaluate how you live your own poly life :)
 

CielDuMatin

New member
I lost a great deal of baggage once I realised who I truly was and stopped trying to be what I perceived society wanted me to be. That was a massive load off my mind.

I lost some of my inhibitions, too - it opened up my mind to people that I had previously dismissed as "just strange" without trying to understand them - I think it really improved by "sex positivity" and ability to comprehend romantic models different form my own, whether I was interested in them for myself or not.

On the down side, I have lost some friends - or rather, they have distanced themselves from me. For that reason I don't tend to share this aspect of my private life with many people. I won't lie and, if they need to know for whatever reason, I will tell them.

I was going to say that, because I am not generally "out" I have lost some openness, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that before, when I couldn't work out what in hell I was, I wasn't very open either. Now, the people that I truly trust with this, know far more about me than anybody used to.

The "pros" far outweighed the "cons" for me.
 

tenK

New member
This might sound trivial, but I've lost the ability to donate blood in my country. Not directly as a result of poly, one could argue, but to me it is clearly connected. Since I hooked up with a man who has had sex with other men, that now makes me ineligible. I used to donate twice a year.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
What I have lost, is my flirtyness. I used to be a big flirt, but ever since I started to date my boyfriend in addition to my husband, those urges have totally dissapeared. I feel very "happily married" to both of them. Like I was waiting for this all along. I didn't use to think there was anything wrong with being flirty, and had great fun with it, but this new calm feels so nice. I think I am basically spending all my energy on them. So I have gained a positive feeling of being settled.

I have also lost a lot of alone time and some time with friends, since managing two relationships and two sets of in laws/SO's families takes a lot of time, energy and money. But I have gained a new social circle through my boyfriend, and I have started to learn a new language and a new culture. Also it gets easier in time to relate to all those people.

I have lost some of my openness. I used to be rather open to everyone how I lived my life, even the less conventional sides of it. Now I find that I need to be very educational about it if I even consider telling people about it. That is why I am reluctant to tell people I don't know very well - basically, I don't want them to misunderstand and think that I am cheating or that my marriage is in danger etc. I am hoping that, as time goes by, we can find ways to comfortably open op to tell people more and more - I think this will be easier if my boyfriend could move to our city for shorter or longer time. It is easier to show a person than to talk about an abstract subject. But this new sense of discreation is not all bad - it is very useful in my job, where we handle delicate matters all the time. And I believe it has been useful to us as a couple/family to not be that open while we were still trying to manouver how to get along in between ourselves. Because I know it will cost and potentionally my family will be upset, so the more solid we are as a family the better. I feel that before we get kids, we have to find way to live comfortably open.

I have also missed the easy prioritation. It used to be that I cherished my husband more than my friends and would set aside extra time, money etc. for him. Now that I have two boys, it is not so clear cut. Especially since I live with one of them most of the time and go to visit the other. There has been little jealousy,but some envy - not unfounded, because when I go see my boyfriend, I study but otherwise structure the days as I please, in a hot climate. Wheras my boyfriend can get envious of my husband because he has the most time with me. I am not sure exactly how to manage that in the future, but I am striving to make my lives with them similar. It is something to discuss when both me and my husband go to visit my boyfriend in October.
 
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