Have you lost anything from being poly?


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On the negative side: I lost some self-respect, and some trust in my judgment of other people. Those losses came specifically from experiences with Guy and S2; they're connected to me being poly because I wouldn't have been involved with either man otherwise, but I don't feel that those losses are from *poly*. They're from me getting involved with people who weren't right for me.

On the positive side: I've lost the feeling of being "trapped" in my marriage. I've lost the feeling of being a burden to Hubby because he was the only person in my life I could talk to. I've lost the belief that wanting different things sexually from what Hubby wants means there's something wrong with me. (Well, mostly.) I've lost feeling lonely all the time because Hubby doesn't interact with me much and there wasn't anyone else.

I've lost the inability to communicate with Hubby about our marriage, because we both believe it's vital to have an open line of communication if we're going to make this work. (There have unquestionably been glitches, but for the most part, communication has improved.) I've lost the fear that I was presenting to Alt and Country a "barely existing" woman with little say in her own life, which is pretty much the opposite of what I'd like them to be. I've lost the *feeling* of barely existing.

Most importantly, I've lost--or at least am losing--the decades of belief that there's something horribly messed up about me that makes me unhappy and uncomfortable in a monogamous relationship.
I've gained myself. I've gained myself out of nearly seven years of anxiety, a lifetime of abuse and codependency, and in spite of all the loss, I found what was underneath it all. I gained the most important thing I possibly could, the ability to love myself, and I think it has opened me up to be able to truly love others.
Very well said.

For me, in the midst of this transition, I'm afraid to lose trust. I never felt my spouse would distrust me for any reason, but I think she is beginning to. Even though I've been open and honest and patient, she wants to remain monogamous (at the moment), and I don't. So, it may be that I lose her entirely, if she cannot adjust to this new paradigm that I need.

I would think that in a poly relationships, although you have working relationships that can be great, there can be a niggle of doubt that erodes trust. This happens in monogamous relationships too, but with more than one partner you must accept that one could stray more easily, move on, get bored, feel slighted, get jealous, etc. So although a monogamous relationship can be debilitating, create co-dependencies, and subvert the self, a well-functioning one would be more conducive for mutual trust than a well-functioning poly relationship.


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I can't think of anything that being poly has caused me to lose, other than, obviously, potential opportunities for mono relationships.


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Just a comment ... I really wanted a like button on these posts.


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Hi, I would like to ask if anyone feels they have lost anything from adopting polyamorous relationships - if there is anything they miss about being monogamous. I am pretty new to poly relationships and trying to make sure it is the right decision for me before committing. Thanks :)

Committing? Don't worry, we don't make you sign a lifelong contract or anything. You can checkout any time you like, and you can even leave! Try it out, be open and honest with everyone that you're not 100% sure it's the relationship style for you. Deal with issues as they come up, communicate like the dickens, and take ownership for your feelings. Can't go wrong with that really, and it's all anyone can ask!

Most of what people lose that could be more permanent relates to coming out, and I'm a supporter of staying in the closet as long as you need to for whatever reasons you have. Polyamory is now where homosexuality was what, 20 30 years ago? Totally legal in some places, totally illegal in others, somewhere in between most places... people were doing it, some were doing it openly but most were keeping quiet about it. There's still a lot you can lose just by having the wrong people find out, both personally and professionally. So if you need to keep it under wraps while you explore, that's fine too, just be upfront about that with potential partners because not everyone wants to climb in the closet with you ;)
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I've "lost" several intimate relationships, but then again, ironically most of them wouldn't have happened if I had been mono and stuck with any one of the several wonderful women I could have married if I had been mono.

I don't know how you do the math on that one; I lost what I would not have had in the first place!

In regards to family or friends, I reject those who reject me, so I don't count that as a loss, merely a consensual distancing.

I love being poly and wouldn't have it any other way. For me it is as much a part of who I am as my gender and sexual identity, perhaps even more.


I lost some viable eggs.

I spent my mid-thirties in a poly network with some lovely people, but none were interested in co-parenting, and I didn't think I had the strength to be a single mama. I'm now in my late-thirties and spending lots of money on fertility treatments. (Also, now monogamous.)

I also lost a lot of fear. I used to have this co-dependant pattern of behavior, and I left that behind. My poly years taught me a lot about healthy relationships.


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I don't feel I lost anything from being monogamous. I don't think I could go try to be monogamous without feeling like I was stuffing myself into a too-small box.

I did lost the family that raised me and my kids. The first was a loss that would probably have come anyway--my parents were manipulative gaslighters and the more aware I became of their bullshit the less I put up with it. But polyamory definitely sped the process and cost me some of my extended family that I might otherwise have been able to stay in contact with.

My kids...well, polyamory was the reason the judge gave them to my parents. but poverty was the reason I couldn't afford the appeal, and my ex being an asshole is the reason when he won the appeal he wouldn't work with me so I could get visitation. So polyamory again was a factor, but if it hadn't been for a bunch of other stuff--from my parents trying to take the kids, to a blatantly biased judge, to my ex's refusal to work with me...well, I might not have my kids living with me, but I'd still have them in my life.