He fell for a straight girl

E

elxabell

New member
I had this stupid idea that we could be a triad, my boyfriend of several years...another woman...and myself. I was foolish to think we'd all have the same feelings for each other.

We talked about poly, but I thought we had this same idea that she'd be with both of us. And now he's falling for a straight girl. Nothing has happened (as far as i know as its long distance due to my work) between them besides them forming a fast and deep friendship (and them both having crushes for the other), but I know it most likely will.

He told her about me. Told her that I was the most important person in his life and that if she wanted him then she'd have to accept me.

But I had no idea, none at all, that they were falling for each other until last week when he suddenly confessed it. He didn't ask me if I could do poly this way, we never discussed it! And for several days I tried to control him. Tried to tell him he could only do this that or the other.

But you know? I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy. We both felt like we were suffocating and it wasn't fair. I don't want to cage him, I love him. I love him so much. I've cried so much over this, everyday I feel a shit ton of horrible emotions that are eating at me. Because I don't feel like I'm enough.

I've read a lot about poly. Read that poly people may very well just be the way they are, like mono people are. But he didn't even know this about himself until she came along...and now I feel like I'm second best. Like I fucked up and he wants her because I'm not fulfilling something or she's prettier or more intelligent or just something.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. We talked about this, but I just dropped the dumb whole trying to chain him yesterday so we haven't talked a lot about this new development.

I decided that I needed space from him. I feel better for letting him go but I feel worse because its like I'm living in Hell. I'm afraid of being abandoned, forgotten, unwanted, unloved, and basically the third wheel. All really basic feelings given the situation.

I just...thought we were ok. And then out of the blue this happens and I don't know how to deal with it.

We can't talk right now. I keep bringing up my feelings and then I can't get past that. I can't express what my needs and fears properly without letting my feelings cloud them.

I'm so tired of crying, I wake up terrified because they're neighbors and they can be together 24/7 but I'm on the sidelines and he's not going to want me anymore, I'm afraid to eat because she's so much smaller than me and he's never going to want me.

He keeps telling me over and over again that its not true. I want to believe him. I want to trust him. But I feel like our trust has died with this new realization. Even if he didn't know that this was a thing he wanted until recently, I still feel like he broke my trust. Like he is casting me aside for someone he's known for 2 months.

I want to give this a shot. In moments of clarity I can see the upsides to this. I can. But those are so few right now given that this is all so new and terrifying.

I'm 25 and he was the one I wanted to marry. I don't even know if he'll ever marry me because he really wants everything to be fair. All my future dreams feel like they've gone out the window and its so hard to cope with that.

I wanted poly for the companionship. To always have someone to come home to. So no one could be alone. I didn't know this would happen...I was so dumb to think it wouldn't.

Honestly, I loved him so much and trusted him so much that I thought he wouldn't get with a straight girl.

I'm so far away and alone. I'm trying to hard to do right by him. But my emotions are crushing me and I don't know what to do.

Please help me. I just need help through this.

<3
 
I am sorry you hurt and are struggling.

Let me repeat back what I understand, ok? You correct me if I am wrong.

  • You have an LDR BF. This is the guy you want to marry.

  • You wanted to try poly for companionship, so nobody would be alone. (Was this to be temporary during the LDR? So you could have a local partner to come home to and he could have one? Then later when you and BF were together, you would keep up with the partners or let them go? Did he agree to practice in this manner? )

  • You also thought you both could date his neighbor.

  • Now that he's falling for her, you are upset because you keep thinking he's not going to marry you or want you because...
    • she's more fulfilling than you
    • she's prettier than you
    • she's more intelligent than you
    • she's smaller/slimmer than you
You are busy doing self-bullying down talk to yourself. These thoughts are fueling your coping or fueling your fears? I think they fuel your fears.

I'm trying to hard to do right by him.
Click to expand...

How are you doing right by YOU when you do down talk?

Meanwhile...

  • He's kept you up to date on his changing feelings
  • He has told her you the most important person in his life and that if she wants to date him then she has to accept you being in his poly network
  • He's reassured you that he wants to be with you and you aren't going to be discarded on the side

He's trying to help you fuel your coping or fuel your fears? Sounds like he's trying to be there for you. Are you not seeing it or recognizing it? Do you need something else or more? Speak up. He's not a mind reader.

You know what? If you have changed your mind and you don't want to poly right now? Tell him so. You thought you could do it but it turns out you cannot.

Then rest so you are not so emotionally flooded. Deal with one thing at a time.

After you calm down, you guys can talk some more about what went wrong with this attempt at Opening. Maybe you didn't talk enough or prepare enough or you bit off more than you could chew trying to Open while LDR. Maybe Opening when NOT long distance is better for you and less anxiety provoking?

Could any of these help?

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

And if you decide to try Opening again, go at it from a more prepared place.

Nothing has happened yet, so don't blow it up bigger than it needs to be. Don't push him away like that will push away all the yucky feelings. Some feelings are fun to feel and some are not. But sunny days or stormy skies -- they all pass. What do you need to weather it out? Express yourself so you can unload and feel better?

DO take a time out to calm down and talk to your partner.

Even if it comes out garbled when the time to talk comes -- talk to him anyway. Or write it down. Lean IN to do problem solving/conflict resolution. Not push him away or run away from doing problem solving/conflict resolution.

You sound like what you want/need is to feel close and connected to him again. So align your behaviors toward that. Stop pushing him away or "hiding."

In case this helps you articulate your needs. You could print and highlight.

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Again, I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent.

Galagirl
 
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Gala ,
I propose (and kindly request) a blog sticky thread of all the links to Awesome advice you've ever given. :) You have a plethora and I think I have seen them all then I see another one good like the NVC one here.

Would love to see your psychology book marks page in its entirety here. :eek:
 
starlight1 -- Glad my response to elxabell helped you some too.

I'm not sure I could collate such a list, but I used to keep a blog thread with links to posts I wanted to remember with links when I had more time. Now it's more spread out. Not sure if that would help you any. It's in the blog area.

Galagirl
 
Hi elxabell,

I actually think the long-distance factor is causing the most problems here. It greatly reduces your ability to claim your own part of the relationship, if that makes sense. You seem to want to compensate by exerting other kinds of control, and you've realized that's not helpful. So I wonder, how long will this long-distance factor continue? Is the relationship (with your boyfriend) doable if the long-distance factor is permanent (or indefinite)? In that case is breaking up the thing to do? Not fun to think about but honestly I think the long-distance factor is tearing you apart.

Did your boyfriend know that you wanted a triad and not a V? Did he know that you wanted him to fall for a bisexual girl rather than a straight girl? If he didn't know, then he hasn't purposely done anything to hurt you. If he did know, then that's a problem because he knew it would hurt you and he did it anyway.

I don't think you "fucked up." You are who you are and you feel what you feel. These aren't things you can dictate. The most you can do is influence your feelings by modifying your environment (the part you can modify). These are just some of my thoughts for now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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