Head spinning. Every day is a different adventure.


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LOL. I think you're right. The odd thing is, in my marriage, I was the one not cleaning as much. Truth be told I'm still pretty lax, but she makes me look like Adrian Monk (i.e. OCD).

You're absolutely right. I need to communicate better and not bottle things up. Even if it means she spends less time at the house. I know that I'm having an issue with being alone; and I definitely need to fight it more.

Like Morpheus said, though...there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.


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Update the day after.

So the moment I came home...with no prodding or passive aggressive pouting (not that I do that)...she was waiting at the door and jumped into my arms. :)

She apologized for last night and we talked things through on a deeper level. She's very capable of understanding things on a deeper level when she wants to, so I'm happy.

The night was one of those where everyone in the house, except Bruce who had to work early in the morning, hung out, drank libations, and talked.

Audrey and I ended up making the sexy time that morphed from light touching to heavy roleplay. Very, very satisfying for both of us.


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Had a great night and a fun morning with Audrey. Then a detour. Nothing big, just a tiny surprise.

Last night we stayed up watching scary movies, scary documentaries and then some DD/lg time with some baby movies. Fun stuff. We had spent all evening going to get supplies to make costumes, some of them mine but one of them hers. I'm making her a Jessica Rabbit costume for Dragon*Con. (Comic and costume convention in Atlanta, GA at the end of August)

This morning she actually got up at 7:30 and helped me with the dogs and cats...and then stayed up. I made us coffee and she made us bagels with a delightful schmear of strawberry cream cheese and we began to watch a little Netflix, picking back up from where we were last night with the scary movies.

All of a sudden she asked me where the pictures of Amos were, quite politely and it was weird. While this guy was here she was starting to get attached and even had "the talk" with him (health conversation necessary to have sex), but he never took the initiative to actually do more than kiss her after several dates when she was, by her own account, fairly forward. So he leaves and moves to Florida. She was left wondering why the guy never did anything...and it sounded like they'd stopped talking. Well I find out today that they never stopped talking or texting...and he's thinking about taking a trip back to see his Mom. Also that he misses her.

Really all this should be no big deal...and as I sit her typing this I'm actually fine, but it just hit me wrong this morning. I was very surprised that they were still talking and to hear that he missed her was kind of weird. It's really none of my business and I don't care that sex would probably result. It was just out of the blue considering our almost monogamous state over the last month or two.

She's also going on a date with a stunning lesbian girl she met on Tinder who is coming about 2 hours to go on a date with her. I gave her money for her date just so she could be independent and in control while she's out.

No big deals really...just recording the sitch.


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Checking in to say all is going smoothly. I'm really excited because Audrey and I have been planning a trip to Savannah at the end of July for our first anniversary. She's actually the one who brought it up, which was surprising because ever since our relationship started...she never wanted to use the word relationship. It was just two attractive people who enjoyed hanging out and pleasuring each other...in any sense of the word you can think of.

One of our shared loves is for spooky stuff...stories...adventures...movies. So naturally we're going to go one of America's spookiest cities for a romantic getaway. It's about 2 months away so I've got time to save up.

It's really cute how excitied she's getting about it...and it makes me feel more secure about us.

Yeah, she's got a picture of Amos in her purse and she's interested in his return to town within the month, but I'm letting that roll off my back.

I went on a date myself just Saturday night that was kind of a bust. I met a very attractive girl on Tinder about 3 months back. We texted hot and heavy for awhile, but then things drifted off. Mainly because I didn't have the money to woo her. I texted her recently to see if we could rekindle things and we decided to go on a date. Symphony in the park.

I went all out. I bought a new cooler and stocked it with 6 different kinds of fruit, 3 different juices and drinks in glass carafes, cookies and snack food...the works. I showed up with flowers and we got some take out food to be our main meal. After walking a good pace to get to the venue because all the good parking was taken, we eventually got settled down and had a decent time. The conversation was decent and it was an ok time.

But that was it. There was no chemistry at all. No signals from her to progress things...no amazingly witty banter from me tbh. It was like a date with a high school friend that you havent seen in forever...but that you aren't attracted to. Well, I'll be honest. If she had wanted to do something sexual, I would have, but she didn't so I didn't push it.

Meh. It was boring. And by the time I got home (I had to drive 1.5 hours one wayto see her) I was exhausted.


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Haven't been around these parts in awhile. Mostly I came when I was feeling badly for support...and then to lend some support myself...but I havent been around much.

As I've put a lot of time and effort into this recounting of my love life, I thought I'd update it for thousands of people who find it entertaining :)

Audrey and I have been in a complete state of bliss for the longest time. The two events I'm going to decribe havent changed that, if that's what you're thinking. We've got an awesome life filled with redecorating the house, gardening, going thrifting, seeing movies, eating out, playing with our lovable pooches and just having a great time.

None of that changes the fact that we are poly, of course. We both still mess around with dating apps like Tinder and Sway and PoF and OKC. Mostly just for stimuli and conversations. I'd still rather be monogamous, but I can't deny that I have the impulse to be with other women, so I entirely understand that impulse from someone younger and less experienced.

Recently two interesting events took place.

About a week ago, Audrey was contacted by an out-of-town photographer for a photoshoot. He was going to be here covering an event/shooting a commercial and wanted a model to do some portfolio/portrait work. Her rates are usually $150/hr clothed/lingerie and $250/nude. He haggled her down to $125 per hour of nude portraiture. She usually gets her rate without asking, but as this is her slow season, she went with it. She said he was kind of cute and looked like Adam Levine from Maroon 5 so that wasn't a bad plus. He was cool with there being an escort (me) and the shoot would be at his hotel room. To some that might sound sketchy, but it's a very typical place to shoot for portfolio work. The week before we'd done a shoot with a different photographer on a railyard platform at 5:30 am and I much preferred this over that. Well sort of.

Audrey was worried about being unprofessionally late, as the original time was 7:30, but the guy delayed which was great because we needed to go to Wal-Mart to buy black, lace hose for the shoot. As always, glammed up and stomping through Wal-Mart in stilettos, she looked like a billion dollars, tax-free. People were literally staring and there was probably drool. I think she's gorgeous with no makeup and no styling, but the girl cleans up well too.

The guy met us outside the hotel and we talked out there. He did, in fact, look like Monsieur Levine. He was a bit quiet, but very mannered and pleasant, making small talk until he asked if she felt comfortable enough to do the shoot. She was so it was time to go inside. He said that because he had been flown there by his job to do other work and there were lots of other photo-journalists around, we had to be careful. He told me the room number, they went up together first, and then I did. I knocked on the door and everything was cool. She had already told me that he wanted to shoot with them alone, which happens every now and again. I get it...he's an artiste and he doesn't want interruptions. As cramped as the room was, I'd have been in the way anyway. I will say that usually when they ask for a closed set I can talk my way into staying.

So I sat outside the room, sitting against the wall and watching streaming tv shows. She had said it was only one hour, so when it got to be an hour and a half, I knocked on the door. I didn't want to interrupt, but I did want to make sure she was safe. Nothing in my brain was thinking jealousy or even about sex. He came to the door immediately, camera in hand and I asked if they were close to wrapping up. Politely, but quickly he told me he had booked her for two hours. Surprised and a bit pissed at Audrey, I went downstairs.

About 15 minutes later she came down to the lobby, innocent and smiling. She could tell something was off, so she began to inquire. I explained about the time and she swore she told me it was two hours, but she didn't fight me on it and began to apologize. I let it go as it was irritating, but things happen. That's when I noticed her lipstick smudged. I looked her in the eye and asked her how it went. She shot me a smirk back...and said "Ok, I guess."

She proceeded to tell me how things went. He was very professional and took some great shots (I still haven't seen them). She said there was a vibe there from the start where they both just started smiling at each other. He got really, really complimentary and then at one point in the middle of the shoot, he kissed her. One thing led to another and there was some sexual activity. Not sex, but some hot and heavy stuff.

The story gets kind of weird because at one point he offered her money to do more than they were doing, at which point she told him, "I'm not a hooker." That didn't seem to end the sexy-fun time though. And eventually after he finished, they went back to doing the photoshoot. She told me that she didn't finish herself at all and it was all kind of weird.

She explained all this to me at Waffle House (I asked her to pay) while I was fuming. Look, get your rocks off, I don't care about that. Honestly, that wasn't it. But was I was pissed at was I waited waaaay longer than expected and I waited for the two of them to get sexy?!? No man. Too far. Too freaking far.

She apologized a few times, but clammed up because she didn't know what she should do beyond apologize. I've been there. You've fucked up and you're sheepish about it. You don't want to make it worse and you don't know what to say. I explained that I just needed a bit more of an apology and to truly hear that she saw my side of things, as well as know why I was angry. She apologized profusely and we worked through it, but boy was I mad at the time.


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So then....

Audrey and her sister, Vera, have been going out for sister dates at this local place because they have liberal policy about serving her drinks. She's still just 20, but as they have a bar/restaurant and the two of them are attractive young females paying for booze...she gets served. No big deal. We drink at the house and I have no problem with that.

The last time they went out she said she'd chatted up one of the waiters who was quite cute. He got her number and they were talking by text. I leave it alone. That's her business. A week rolls around and it's time for the next sister date. I asked if she was meeting anyone there and she said no. The waiter was going to be off work that night and wasn't coming as far as she knew. Of course he just happened to show up. No biggie. She can date who she wants.

They left for the date at 3 p.m. and over the 8 hours she was gone, I might have gotten 3 texts. She'd remember me...text once...then not respond for hours. Meanwhile, Cinderella and I were home cleaning the house that we ALL live in. (There is no Cinderella actually. I made that part up.) Not fun, but necessary.

I've gotten 1000x better at being alone and not focusing on what she's doing when she's out. I really have made progress. I don't need hand holding or other stuff, mainly because I have several projects that need working on. I do still have issues with being alone and need to get much better at that. But as far as her being out without me...it's a lot easier. I mean let's face it, 99% of her time she's with me or alone at my house. Who am I to complain?

Back to our story in progress. It's 11 o'clock and who comes barreling into my upstairs bedroom, drunk as a skunk, and being held up by her sister? Yep. It's Audrey. She's cute as all get out...slurring her words and needing help walking. Her sister helps me get her undressed and into our bed. I sit with her to see if she needs water or medicine...and after about 20 minutes she passes out. I head downstairs to talk to the sister about what all went down to get her so drunk...and guess who is in my kitchen...in a t-shirt and his underware with his pants in my sink? This waiter guy.

I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty smooth under pressure. Not that this was exactly pressurized, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting to see homeboy in my house, late at night, and semi-naked. He had "helped" the sister get Audrey home and apparently there was some wine on his pants that someone had spilled so he was cleaning his pants. From the looks of it, he was taking his sweet time with it and wasn't going anywhere.

Now I don't know about you, but when I'm over at someone else's house, I introduce myself and try to be polite. This guy wasn't having any of that. No introduction, no "hey man thanks for letting me clean my pants", no nothing. And he was gruff to me the entire time.

Vera finally stammered out an introduction after some time and along with the other upstairs renter, Minou, we all stood around the kitchen and talked. Mainly it was Vera and The Waiter talking. He made the mistake of telling her that it was football and football players like him that made band possible. Oh hell. She's a life-long band person and even teaches band for extra money. She's damn good at it and is one of the most talented musical people I've ever known.

As can happen, this argument turned into something quasi-flirty. And then back to quasi-argumentative, and back and forth the whole night. I took it upon myself to convince Minou to put his pants in the dryer as they weren't going to get any better. He wasn't paying attention and could have cared less. He didn't want to go anywhere anytime soon.

We took the party out onto the porch, but in kind of a natural way (I guess), Vera and The Waiter sat and talked on one side of the porch, while Minou and I sat on the other and talked. I found out from Minou that Audrey had told him at least something about who I was, though I'm still not totally sure what. She told him she did have someone, but we were in an open relationship. But the explanation of "where she lived" was a bit muddled. I owned the house, but she came over to be with her sister? Minou said that I was somewhere or possibly the main explanation for why she came over, as presented to this guy, but Minou was frankly terrible at decyphering the telephone game. Remember, Minou wasn't on the sister date, so I'm not sure how she got all this info. From Audrey? From Vera? From The Waiter? It's weird.

I found out that he is leaving at the end of July for California, which makes sense. He was out in the front yard with Vera at 2 in the morning trying to teach her yoga and about positivity. When they came back up on the porch he dropped some jargon about kundalini yoga...where upon I made a joke about cunnilingus. Taking himself too seriously he attempted to correct me, but I told him I knew what he was talking about, just making a joke. Minou told me later he looked like an ass when he tried to correct me.

So we all kind of orbited each other, but the weird thing was that Vera and The Waiter were really vibing on each other! He was supposed to be so head over heels for Audrey, but Minou, a trained therapist, said their body language was indicative of people very interested in each other. I totally saw it and it was pretty flabbergasting.

I'd forgotten to tell you that earlier in the evening the guy had to pee, so he walked into the house and just walked upstairs in my house to "find a bathroom." I didn't trust this guy with my companion passed out...so after a beat or two I followed him up. He had cracked open my bedroom door and must have seen Audrey totally passed out. He walked across the hall and was about to enter the closed door of Minou's suite. Minou had not given him permission to go in (I checked), and so I asked him not to go in there. He kept going, and even had to knock down some of the bags and suitcases she uses on the other side of the door to keep it from opening. Not cool man! You just don't walk around someone's house, uninvited, snooping and pushing stuff over and doing what you want. At least I wasn't raised that way.

He wasn't going to listen to me, so I just went back into my bedroom and hungout for awhile. I went back down again later and nothing was said about the whole incident. At least not out in the open. Minou and I talked about it with Vera, and it was agreed that that wasn't cool. I know why he went up there. He wanted to see if he still had a chance with Audrey. That's the whole reason why he came home with them. A drunk girl...going to her house for the night. Who knows what could happen, right? I found out that they had at least kissed earlier that night. It could have been more. I don't know. Honestly I don't care.

What does bother me is when some sketchy guy, trying to "seal the deal" comes home with my drunk companion, keeps trying to see if he can get it in, disrespects me in my own home, and then...moves on to the sister to see if he can get anywhere with her too.

Weirdly, Vera said, finally, she was going to bed, so Minou and I decided to pack it in too. Vera was almost all the way into her room with the door shut, but when she saw we were leaving him out on the porch (after some pleasantries) she went back out and apparently they spent a lot of time out there.

The next morning, Audrey woke up with a wicked hangover and quite embarrassed at how sloppy drunk she'd gotten. I told her she had nothing to worry about and we've all been there, but she still felt bad. She asked me what happened and I recounted everything I've typed above. Her reaction was much cooler than I thought it would be. I mean, I wasn't expecting a bad one, but she basically said she didn't think she was going to see that guy again and she was sorry it all went down like that. Wow. That's partnership. That's teamwork. That's trust.

I know that he's texted her since then and that she has politely declined to meet, though she did tell him she might reschedule. But that's really just a nice way of blowing him off. Sure, something could rekindle, but I doubt it.

We'll see. I still don't like the guy. And it's because of how rude and creepy he was.


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All of that withstanding, we had a great weekend...did some projects together...cuddled up and watched movies all night and really connected.

Now if I could just get rid of all the fleas in my bedroom *sigh*


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As it turns out, her decision not to talk to the guy has stuck. He keeps texting her every so often, but she keeps politely excusing herself from seeing him. That's what she's told me. And she hasn't gone out to see him so that's kind of the end of vignette.

In another turn of events, a guy that Audrey struck up a friendship with 4 or 5 months ago is coming to see her. He'll be in Atlanta for a few months and wants to make the 3 hour drive over for a weekend. She asked where he'd be staying and he apparently asked/assumed that he could stay with her when he came to town. She told me awhile back she explained the situation we have...at least relationship-wise. I don't think she explained the extent of our situation though, if he assumed he was going to stay with her.

Honestly, that's fine by me. It's important to her to present herself as independent and autonomous when she makes new friends or goes on dates. I don't want her to feel bound or subservient. One of the many things that has always attracted me to Audrey has been her fierce independence and unique character. Remove that...and she's an entirely different person.

When she brought all this up to me, I'm not sure if she asked or if I, trying to be nice, offered to let him stay at my house. I do remember that I did spend the better part of a day thinking through my position on the matter. On one hand, I didn't want to be controlling or jealous. On the other hand it's not my job to help her suitors advance their position. (Even saying it like that makes it all sound like rivalry, which I know, if I'm applying polyamorism 100% logically, is erroneous thinking. Other lovers aren't competitors.)

So when we discussed it again I told her that I was fine with him coming to see her and them spending time together...that's her life and her choices, but I would feel uncomfortable with him staying here if they were going to get romantic. I reiterated that I wasn't trying to stop it from happening, just not going to enable it and exist amidst it. She listened and after I'd said it, it really felt like a good boundary, though enabling and absorbing would theoretically be the more totally loving thing to do...it's not something I could handle.

She told me that he is just a friend and if he tried to do anything other than be a friend that she'd set him straight. To which I asked "What if your feelings change by surprise? Friendship changes to something more?" She assured me that this would not happen. In fact, despite the fact that I was willing to kind of remove myself from her life for the weekend, she told me she didn't want anything to change between us while he was here. It wasn't a matter of them going out to do stuff, but all of us going out to do stuff.

A bit later I reiterated that I would be fine with giving them time alone, at which point she got a little ruffled because she said I was really making their situation into more than it was. I said I believed her but was being too overly nice about things I suppose. We're both on the same page. I'm treating this dude like any other friend of hers and not changing my m.o. one bit. As it turns out, her bff is coming in this weekend from out of town so I guess we'll all just hang out as a group and have fun.

Should be interesting :)


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Well chalk that up as a strange weekend.

This was one of those events that could have gone entirely differently and in a million different directions, but having gone the way it did all I can do is think back and wonder...huh?

To catch you up, Audrey had a someone coming in from out of town for a visit. It was someone she'd met through a dating site, which then progressed to texts for at least 3 or 4 months, but no meeting as he was from Boston and we live in Alabama. The vibe I had when they first met online was slightly romantic, but then it changed to something friendly. I can only guess because I didn't ask her or try to look at her texts. They skyped once, but it was kind of awkward and didn't really go anywhere, though she did get dressed up and put forth a bit of a persona.

Despite the fact that friendship is valuable and having an on-going conversation with someone cool is neat in and of itself, knowing most guys, the guest (who I'll just call Billy), was probably hoping that this weekend would kind of change things. As it so happens, Billy is an Americorps volunteer who had been living in Pennsylvania, but when the project recently moved outside Atlanta...it was a lot easier (only 3 hours away) to make contact.

Audrey had explained to him that she and I are both polyamorous and that we give each other space. When the idea of a trip came up between them, he must have thought we lived separately because he proposed staying with her and then kept proposing it. Having learned the sparse living circumstances Americore volunteers exist in and that they get no pay, I can see that he wouldn't have money for a weekend hotel vacation.

If he asked to stay with her then he either thought she had her own place or she lived with her family...and not with me. Which means she didn't tell him that she lives with me. That's fine. If she wants to present an image of autonomy, then I'm all for it...to a degree. Apparently he had to think about whether he wanted to come once she explained she sleeps with me in my room as usual, but decided to come anyway. Why do into all that? Well I think that the autonomy she projected meant could have been interpreted as leaving room for something to happen romantically. Which is what made the weekend odd.

As I said in a previous post, I expressed my boundaries and she assured me that it wasn't going to be romantic. If he did make that move, she said she'd set him straight. I didn't pressure her into that, I just said that if that's what was going to happen, I didn't want to be in the middle of it or enable it. It's not my job to finance romantic meet and greets.

He ultimately decided to come, probably rolling the dice to see where it would go. His Greyhound arrived at 10:45 Friday night. She dressed up lavishly and, not having a car or a license, I drove her to the station. Effortlessly cool and poised for anything, she smoked a cigarette as we waited by the car for him to arrive. Turns out he was a short, thin, scruffy little guy. Early to mid-20s at most and grinning ear to ear. I don't think he knew that I was going to be there based off what she said about her texts to him. Never the less he seemed very genuine and approachable. Of course Audrey played things coolly (as always) and I was a mix of cool and receptive. I wasn't going to be rude to the kid, but I also wasn't going to pour my energy into making this thing happen.

Audrey and I were dressed up having come from dinner with some friends. Technically we had more than enough time to go home and get changed, but Audrey loves to "shock and awe" the people she meets. She wore a tight, black retro blouse with a corset underneath and a bright red, tight wiggle skirt with low-heel dress shoes. (Her default type of outfit for meeting new people) On the drive from the station he politely asked why we were dressed so nicely and we explained. As Audrey isn't 21, there weren't many options for things to do at that hour, so we just went back to my house and decided to hang out on the porch. I showed him the guest room and then he came back down stairs.

The weird thing was, even though Audrey had invited him, she wasn't really putting any effort into being a host. A host offers food and drink, but it took me prodding her to get her to do that. The kid didn't have any money so all of us going to get fast food or even Wal-mart groceries was out. Eventually Audrey made him 3 or 4 stuffed bell peppers and we all went back out onto the porch to hang out. I kept trying to make sure that I wasn't crowding them to see if anything would catch fire, but it never did. Eventually, Audrey's sister Vera came out to be company and we stayed up until 1 or 2, which is usual for us.

Before we went to bed, I discussed things with Audrey and she seemed non-plussed at the whole affair, which was weird for me. Why even invite the guy in the first place? I didn't ask her that, but it kept running through my mind. I asked her what the plan was for the next day, but she just said she wanted to sleep in and watch tv like we'd been doing the day before. Without being too preachy or condescending I said I thought we needed to do something with him as hosts. Take him around town and show him the sights...go to a bookstore...a park...something. It was left undecided.

The next morning both he and I were up early, but Audrey slept in. Feeling a bit embarrassed, I offered him a variety of cereals, eggs and coffee. He declined everything but the coffee and we talked. Eventually Audrey got up around 11 and the conversation continued. I kept feeling this tension as a host all day... like we needed to entertain our guest (our guest now lol), but told myself, this is her deal. I didn't do the inviting so it's not my responsibility. For a split second I wondered if it were possible that they had met up during the night unbeknownst to me, especially since their non-connection was so observable. As in .. was it all a cover. But I threw that out as soon as I thought of it.

Morning turned into afternoon turned into night. The three of us just kind of fell in and out of conversation all day and neither Billy or Audrey put much effort into things. She would have periods where she'd be talkative, but mostly she did what she normally does and retreated into scrolling through tumblr on her phone. Which is absolutely fine when it's just us two, but I felt it odd given he was in from out of town. Billy remained in good spirits and though he wasn't pushing a connection, things had more of an air of "let's see where this goes."

If I had been him, I would have asked to be shown around town or asked a few more times what there was to do. We had the dogs out on the porch which was the perfect opportunity to ask Audrey to take them on a walk. Heck, if he had asked in such a way that they took a walk alone, I'd have been fine with that. In fact, I expected it! But nothing.

There was enough to talk about, I suppose, that it wasn't super awkward. And by the middle of the day Audrey and I had gone back to being about 2/3rds as affectionate as we usually were. Little kisses on the cheek and forehead when one of us left the room and such. Audrey's sister spoke to me out back behind the house at one point in order to ask what the heck was up. I ran through the basics and we both expressed our confusion.

Audrey told me early in the evening that one of our hotspots, the S&M Saloon, would be open tonight. If you haven't read about it before, it's a bar in the basement of a house owned by one of our best friends. All types breeze through there and some REALLY wild nights have occurred. She asked if I wanted to go and I said sure. We needed to get this guy out and doing something. Anything. Later she tried to pull back and say we shouldn't go, but I insisted. We can't just have someone over to the house and then make them entertain themselves. We went...he was well accepted...and it was another great night at the Saloon.

Before we started home, Audrey's mom asked if we'd be up for her coming over. She likes to come hang out over at my house as a bit of a retreat from home life. She doesn't get to smoke at home and there are responsibilities there.. We said sure, but we didn't realize how tired we would be when we got back home. As a result, Billy and Mom entertained each other until the sun went up. I'm tempted to ask the mom about their conversation.

I got up at my usual early hour and Audrey got up around 9, which was quite nice. I'd told her we'd need to take him around town that day, as another day of sitting around doing nothing wasn't so great a trip. She agreed. Strange thing is, he was the one this time who slept until 1 pm! Ha! I guess I don't blame him. He had nothing really to look forward to that day if the day before was any indication.

I went about my way, doing my own landscaping and hobby projects, then later coming down and sitting with Audrey on the porch. Billy's bus was supposed to leave at 2:30, so around 1 I went upstairs, knocked on the door and woke him up. Poor guy. His phone had gone dead and he'd stayed up so late that he just slept and slept. Honestly that was all for the best, I suppose. A day of me carting him around to see our town would have been lackluster.

As we were leaving he made the mistake of making a racial joke, which got Audrey really angry. We got in the car, took him to the station, and then we said some awkward goodbyes. His energy level was up and he was trying to be nice about the whole situation. He said he hoped this wouldn't be the last time we saw each other (said to both of us from head and body position). Audrey made a dry joke in return saying "It will be." but then at the last second she decided that was too harsh and added "because I'm going to kill (me) when we get home." It went over a bit rough, but soon he had embarked upon the bus and left Montgomery.


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I'm still not sure what Billy or Audrey thought the weekend was supposed to be. Did she take one look and lose interest? Did he think there was a possibility of something happening romantically, based on her avowed polyamorism? Did she invite him with the hopes of finding an exciting new friend and he just didn't turn out to be anything exciting?

Ultimately I don't think the trip was a waste for him because the conditions in the Americore program are rough. 30-50 people living and working together all in one room (for this project). Most nights there he slept in two chairs pulled together...and they only give him $4.50 a day for a food allowance with no other pay. So even the slight bit of food and the fresh environment we gave him had to be a step up.

And nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Who knows what things could have been. In some other reality he could have been a tall, hunky guy who charmed Audrey from the start and was energetic about doing stuff around town. That could of led to a much deeper, longer relationship. But I guess we'll never know. In this universe, It was just all very weird.


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Things are sailing along swimmingly. (Forgive the mixed metaphors ha ha)

Last night we went to the store for groceries but decided on having a junk-food extravaganza! 6 different kinds of chips, 3 different kinds of cookies, multiple chip dips, candy of different kinds, various sodas, and 3 or 4 desserts each. Oh along with several pizzas. We stayed up watching comedy and totally vegging out. It was glorious.

Not that I can't or won't handle it, I do have a problem chewing in the back of my brain. I'll just get over it, but I come here to think stuff out and deal with it so here goes.

Audrey's brother is constantly acting like a completely ridiculous teenager. He's been this way for a long time and I've dealt with it by limiting contact. We've all discussed that Audrey's brother in law and I need to not engage the little @#$@, but sometimes it just comes out of the blue and I forget.

The other night, Audrey's mom, Penny, comes over. She tells us before she comes she's bringing the brother. Sometimes I genuinely like the guy and I want their family to be able to hang out together, so why not? They come and for most of the night everything is fine, but then he brings up a political topic that I had been discussing with some other people, so I respond.

Without getting into the actual debate, where things go nuts is not only do we have opposing positions (well almost), but he digs in his heels that his opinion is the only correct opinion on the matter (Israel vs Palestine). I say, quite reasonably, that both sides have done atrocious things and there is no innocent side. To which he says, "Yes there is." And I respond, "No, there's not." Basically "I know you are but what am I?" is what it has devolved to.

Being the bigger man I change the subject by engaging the mother in another topic and things move on. But of course not after the kid retreats into his phone, looks at me, and just laughs to himself condescendingly.

Do I really care about what this kid thinks of me? Hell no. Not even a little bit. It just sucks to have to deal with his bullshit over and over and over. He lives in this vacuum where the lack of real challenges to his thinking pump his ego into the stratosphere. It's annoying. Audrey and her sister were on my side about things and the way I handled it. We all had a good chuckle at realizing that the best course of action is not to engage and moved on.

I don't want a situation like this to become a wedge between me and Audrey's family. I don't think it will, but I have to be on guard.


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Has it really been that long since I've posted something here? I guess I come here to hash out problems and there really haven't been any.

Audrey and I are still living in my old home and having a great time. We'd been functionally monogamous, but still reminding each other that we were/are poly.

About 4 months ago, Audrey lost her phone twice in a two week span (stolen once, lost the other). That really made her go introspective and more of a home-body. Once she got a new phone, that took a 180 degree turn, as she re-downloaded every app on the planet and began talking to lots of people again. All of which I am much more comfortable with.

See for the longest time I had the urge to read her texts and messages from dating apps. I never did, but I had a strong urge to. Now I've learned to zone out and just go with it.

She's gone out on maybe 4 or 5 dates with guys that never really seem to progress into anything more than dinner or coffee once or twice.

Somewhere about two months ago, she got asked out on a date by a guy I'll just call Hair Jordan. I call him that because he's a doughier version of the Sons of Anarchy guy with long blonde hair...and he took her to a wedding wearing a suit and Air Jordan shoes. We had a laugh about that. In that two months they've met up five times and had sex 3 of those times. It's a total friends with benefits thing. There was one period when she was drunk that she texted him and said she had some feelings, but that passed. I've never gotten really worried or paranoid about this guy or her behavior except for one period where I freaked out about a specific issue.

(Close your eyes or skip forward if you're squeamish.) When she first came back from having sex with him, we did the usual download. She told me that even though they had sex 4 times she never came. Of course I have these weird trust issues. I always feel like when she's saying something less than complimentary about one of her dates that she's just doing it to make me happy. (I came into this relationship with trust issues...and I'm working on them.) Well the one complimentary thing she did say about him is that his penis was gigantic. But even that was a detraction, because she said it was so big that it hurt when they had sex. Now I'm above average in that arena and I've never really been a penis comparison kind of guy. But I went to a dysfunctional place in my head for 2 or 3 days where I was worried that this was going to make her like sex with him more and eventually lead her to leave me for him. I talked it out with a female friend I trust who told me that yes, too big or too small can be unfortunate, but within the averages, when used well, is amazing itself. Again, I know it's a silly issue, but we men are taught to fear this whole subject. And there's no way to fix it by enlarging it, so that feeds into the fear. I get rave reviews from her and others in the past, yadda yadda yadda. But I freaked for a few days.

The last time she went over to his place (two nights ago), she came back and said she didn't see him as the kind of guy she'd ever want a relationship with. Apparently he played some music out loud on his phone...just happened to be the Sam Smith "Stay with me", but in talking about it, we couldn't tell either way if it was just him playing music (it was actively chosen by him) or whether he was trying to communicate a message. I said she should ask him, but she's not into him that way and doesn't want to push the issue. Really if he's trying to say something, it's on him to come out and say it.

Meanwhile, I've been out on two dates. I drove about 30 minutes to meet a girl that isn't my normal type physically, but was a lot of fun to spend time with. As opposed to Audrey's conversations that progress quicker because she's a sexually aggressive female and she's being hit on by guys....my conversations are with women (not that they can't be sexual, but less likely to talk like a guy in this area)...and things go slowly. Tracy and I met at this dive country bar (not my scene at all) and sang karaoke until 3 in the morning. I didn't think she was into me, but the next day all the texts were highly complimentary. We'd kissed at the end of the night and almost went home together, but I didn't press the issue. We're still flirting by text and I'm sure we'll hang out again and maybe even play a bit. Who knows.

Last night I dropped Audrey off at a bar to meet a guy that's been hitting on her for awhile. In my neighborhood, we have four bars that are right by each other, so everyone kind of sees everyone on the weekends. We go to one that I'll call "The Corner Bar", another "Jazz Club", and another "Hipster Lounge". This guy that we call "Oily Dipstick" (I love making names for these guys. Yes, it's probably repressed aggression or resentment, but I'm dealing with it through humor.) is one of the bartenders at The Corner Bar. He's seen us come in together a lot. Even holding hands, kissing etc. But he still decided to hit on her. I can't blame him - she's hot and fun. And she's poly. So there you go.

After weeks and weeks of texting...and her putting him off 4 times due to other things being more important...they finally went out. The rub was that she'd just spent the night with Hair Jordan starting at 8 p.m. and stayed at his place sleeping until almost 4 p.m. - so I was missing her a great deal. She'd forgotten about the date with Oily, but couldn't in good conscience cancel again.

I spoke up and voiced my need for her not to stay out all night as usual (normally it's until 4 in the morning because Jazz Club stays open that late). She did a great job of initiating questions about what I needed so that's how we got to talking about it. Well done, Audrey. I asked if 12 was a reasonable compromise. She agreed. Then we went into our usual mode of me helping her get dressed. Again, she went out of her way to let me know that what she was wearing was expressly not "I'm ready for sex" clothes. Granny panties. Hair in a messy pony tail. Control top panty hose. Now, if we were being uber-logical and Vulcan, it's up to her whether she decides to have sex...and I shouldn't discourage that. Honestly, her having sex with someone else doesn't bother me anymore. It's being alone that I hate. (Although I'm getting better at that myself.)

She finished getting ready, I dropped her off. About 12 I messaged and asked if she wanted me to pick her up...which she said she absolutely did. Tipsily, she came out to the car and we went home. I didn't really ask about the date, but eventually somehow we got on the subject. He's a pot head which she doesn't really like. Other than that he's pretty unremarkable. Apparently at the end he tried twice to get her to come home with him (again, can't blame him), but she declined. In fact when she told me the story she did it with this mocking tone, but I'm sure she was nicer to the guy than that. Perhaps they'll see each other again. And I'm cool with that. But I don't see a connection there at all.

I don't think it'll be weird when we go to The Corner Bar. He knows that I know and I know that he knows that I know. It's all part of our style of life. The one odd thing is that there's another bartender at The Corner Bar who has been trying to chat her up too. I don't know if she's coming off as "easy to talk to" wink wink or if it's genuine. She's pretty much shut him down from the beginning, which is for her to do.

When we got home from her date, we had truly amazing sex. Even better than the usual amazing sex we usually have. I don't think that going on the date got her hot. She's just very frisky when she drinks. ;)

I'm learning to use the time when she's gone to get things done that I can't get done when she's here. Cleaning and work I bring home and some of my side hobbies. But I really do enjoy companionship...and her companionship especially. So the loneliness issue is something I'm having to work through.

Thanks for reading what my brain spills onto the screen.


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Wow. It's August 2016. I haven't been back in forever. I came back because my journey with Audrey seems over. We broke up last week and I'm devastated.

I should probably go back a bit before this to explain how it happened.

Sometime in 2015 Audrey began talking to a guy from some dating app...Tinder, OKCupid, something...whose name is Anthony. Young guy. Not really doing much with his life. Has a bunch of anxiety and depression issues similar to her. I didn't realize how deep they had gotten for awhile. It's been so long, you'll have to forgive me, I'm going on memory. I have a vague memory of seeing something she wrote to him by accident that was romantic and being super surprised.

Anywho, in January of 2016, he saved up the money to come see her. Remember, she's still living with me and things are fine. I remember being both excited and scared for her about the whole thing. I drove her to the motel he stayed at downtown. Fleabag place but that doesn't matter when you're in love I guess. This is going to make me sound like a dick, but halfway through the visit, I decide that I can't take it. She comes back to get some clothes, I tell her look. I'm sorry, but this is how I feel. I can't be polyamorous any more. I can't face losing you.

Well she goes in to full convulsion mode and I tried to calm her down. There was some bargaining, but ultimately I stood firm and said I knew what I needed for me...but would respect her for whatever she needed to do. She chose me. We said we'd try it for a year and see how it went being monogamous. About 2 or 3 months passed.

Of course I had to fuck it up. The political season was upon us and I started making a lot of political Facebook posts. This attracted someone that I'd been watching for awhile, but wasn't sure if she liked me. Turns out she did. Really cute, professionally accomplished, fun to hang out with. Although very intense. I liked that because people have accused me of the same thing and it just means I'm engaged and interested. She knew I was dating Audrey, but I had to explain polyamory to her. She wasn't completely sold, but I explained that she couldn't expect me to be exclusive just from one date. That convinced her...so she invited me up to a charity poker game where we had a lot of fun. It was a work thing for her, but also benefited a charity that she's worked hard to support for a long time - suicide prevention. I'll name her Rachel.

That date was amazing. We went out to eat afterwards at a cool little dive bar where a party behind us thought we'd just gotten married because of how we were dressed. She lives about 2 hours away, so she invited me to stay the night. She initiated sex and it was delicious. I stayed the weekend and then headed home. Over the period of a month I went up to see her 3 more times and we had a blast. The topic of polyamory came up more than once. Rachel told me that she was having schoolgirl fantasies (her words) about us...and really enjoying our time together. But if someone came along who was willing to devote 100% of themselves to her...then she'd be out. I can respect that. Of course I can respect that. That's how I felt with Audrey before I backtracked.

Well of course with someone as wonderful as Rachel, someone did come along. But not before Rachel and I had a long talk where she talked to me about how Audrey wasn't good for me. No, it wasn't like it sounds. She was going over with me what was destructive in my life and what was working and how Audrey fit into that. She did ask me to leave Audrey for her. I couldn't do it. I loved Audrey too much. I discussed all this after the fact with Audrey and things settled back in as they were before Rachel. I told Audrey that if things didn't work with Rachel that I'd want to go back to monogamy. This is a big part of the story.

Now that things were over with Rachel, here's where things started to take a bad turn with Audrey and me. As we were poly again, she started back up with Anthony. She never told me she had, nor did I have any hints or indications. I thought we were back to being monogamous. About 2 months later, Audrey was getting hit on by a friend she'd known for a long time that happened to be our server at a restaurant one day. When we got home she talked about how she'd like to hang out with him as a friend, but she knew he'd want sex...and she didn't want that. I encouraged her to hang out, because she wanted more friends, but to make the boundaries clear. She decided not to do that, which was fine. But it led to another discussion - she let me know that she thought we were still poly. I was crushed.

Now let me just say. It's not about who was right. I'd said we'd go back to monogamy, but I didn't check in with her about it. She just went back to being poly...and never discussed it.

And here we have the fuck up: I told her that I wanted us to be monogamous again. Things had been great between us. Sex was great. Times had been hard...we've had no working water for 4 months and no gas stove for 3. Very low on funds for going out and having fun, but we've made do and enjoyed being together with our pets. Well once I told her that I wanted to be monogamous again...she started having an anxiety attack. I comforted her for 20 minutes, but I had to go see a client about some money and couldn't stay. Like so many times before, I told her to have her mother or sister come over to calm her down, since I couldn't stay. Remember, the end of our first date ever...ended with her having anxiety about me leaving and I was the best thing to calm her down throughout our relationship.

When I came back from my meeting she was out with her Mom and sister...and seemed ok. She stayed out with them for three or four hours and when she came back....BAM! She dumped me completely.

Done. Over. She had boxes and already had her mom and sister getting her stuff from our...well now my...house. She told me that she knew it would be hard, but she had to do it for independence. And because she felt like she was losing sense of self in the relationship. Our first talk at that time was for about 5 minutes tops. Which left me even more devastated.

This person that I have devoted my life to...decides in an instant that we can only be friends...and even that will take some time. WHAT??? I've supported you not just financially...but emotionally and intellectually too! Can't we even work on the relationship? How is moving back in with your parents MORE independent? I've been trying to get you to get a job and to study for your GED...and now, somehow, doing those away from your adult partner...is constricting? I just don't get it. Can someone PLEASE explain it to me?

I'm utterly devastated. We've shared so much and done so many things in this 3 years of being together. My love for her has made me make a lot of choices in those three years that weren't the best for me...but that contributed to the relationship....now all that sacrifice...wasted. All that history wasted. Like it was worth nothing. All I do now is sit around and watch television...watch porn...and go through the motions. I have nobody to lean on. All family dead. No friends. I'm working to get my law license back. And I have to take care of all these pets we got together that continue to remind me of her. I love them dearly and would be even more alone without them, but it's work. And she's wanting visitation with them. She can't keep them because her parents rent a house with a no pets policy. Ugh.

So here I am. No money to go out and get out of my funk. No motivation to do anything. Utterly love lorn. And considering some unhealthy things (directed towards myself).

What a wonderful life I have.