Hello.....and question :)

Kiin

New member
Hi All,

I am 35 from Calgary. I am new to Poly and have just started exploring it with my husband in the last year. We have been together for 6 years and he was poly in the past though was mono with me. He has been very and open and supportive of me as I have moved in this direction, even to the point of allowing me to move into another relationship while he stayed monogamous to me so that I could learn and deal with the emotions.

In the last few months we have been moving into opening it up on both sides and learning how to communicate has been huge. We have always been good talkers, but there is a whole different level when it comes to this :p.

He recently met someone that he was interested in and they dated a few times and started talking about possibly having a relationship. When he would come home from dates, I would ask questions about what they had did and how things went. I asked what he had told her about our relationship, dynamic and guidelines. Which he shared with me. I had emotions of course, we talked about them but on the whole I felt I was doing really well and being very open.

Today she told him that it would not work and was over because she "wouldn't want him to tell me what they did or talked about". I never asked to know anything that is specifically related to just her, only what they did together and his feelings. Apparently she has been in poly relationships successfully in the past. I feel like this is my fault, though my husband has told me that it is not and they are her issues. I guess my question is....was I asking to know too much?
 

Ariakas

Bosun
ummmm...I find that strange...

Welcome to the forum, don't take blame for someone elses insecurities...not sure why someone would feel that way. Some people need the DADT policy. Sounds like she wants her relationship to have some semblance of privacy....I personally would not like that, but everyone has their own comfort levels
 

May

New member
Congratulations, Kiin, on being able to talk so openly about all of those things - I know it can be a hard lesson to learn, but with the right partner who makes it easier for you it is a very enjoyable experience as well.

Concerning your question: I would not prefer the "DADT policy" either, because you need to be told about certain things and you need to be allowed to ask. But in my opinion you also don't need to know everything and should respect that there're private issues in your partner's relationship to someone else. For me this has something to do with trust. I trust my partners that they tell me about anything important that happens to their lives, so if one of them has a friend who happens to be a girl (and both of my boyfriends do have such friends and many of them I never met) I won't ask them what exactly is going on between them, because I trust them to tell me if it was anything serious, like having fallen in love, that affects me as well (and of course the same goes for me). On the other hand I know that I actually could always ask them and they'd tell me the truth. But as long as I am not bothered about their friends somehow or fear that they're hiding something from me (in other words: feel jealous) I see no reason to ask, 'cause I find that this is their business as long as it doesn't affect me (and jealousy means that it becomes my concern as well).

But you need to work that out by yourselves. If it makes you feel better to know what exactly he's doing go on asking. But maybe you should also ask yourself at what point it has nothing to do with your wellbeing anymore but becomes nosiness (like a mother spying on her children's private affairs even though they don't need to be looked after any more). Might be worth calling that to mind now and then :)
 

Danny40179

New member
To answer your question, I don't think so. One of the things that I always talk about on here is communication and how important it is. I have to agree with your hubby on this one. You didn't do anything wrong and these were her issues. I've never hidden anything from my wife OR anyone that I talk to. Everyone knows that I'm an open book, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the girls. My younger cousin said something to me yesterday and it happens to fit this. I'd rather look you in the eye and tell you the truth, then lie and have trust broken.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out with this other woman, but I think it may be for the best. Welcome and enjoy your stay here! :)
 

Breathesgirl

New member
Hi All,

Today she told him that it would not work and was over because she "wouldn't want him to tell me what they did or talked about". I never asked to know anything that is specifically related to just her, only what they did together and his feelings. Apparently she has been in poly relationships successfully in the past. I feel like this is my fault, though my husband has told me that it is not and they are her issues. I guess my question is....was I asking to know too much?

Hubby's right, they are HER issues. I ask Breathes what he did on his dates (although we don't call them dates). He gives me a rough draft & if I want anything in particular to be explained in more detail I ask. He doesn't have a problem with this. I offer him the same thing in return when I have my 'dates'--the rough draft and when he wants more detail on something he asks.

For example: last week Possibility was more amorous than usual. I told Breathes this and he asked exactly how he was more amorous and I told him. What didn't help the situation was the fact that I wasn't able to tell him right away after the date. In fact I wasn't able to talk to him about it until the next night so he had a full 24 hours to wonder what went on!

DADT relationships feel dishonest to me somehow. It feels as though the primary partner is getting the short shrift so I tend to not go there.

It sounds like you are doing things in a way that works for you. HOORAY!
 

SourGirl

Member
Sometimes,....

.....the 'reason' people give for breaking-up, is just a excuse.

They don`t want to work on fixing the relationship. Sometimes the real reason is rooted in selfishness, or something awkward. So it`s hard to know when people are using a minor detail, as a full reason, when it is not the actual reason.

(Not even sure if I made any sense there,..hmmm.lol)

Anyhow,..for some reason my 'spidey-senses' are telling me, that reason she gave,..well it sounds like it could be a excuse.


Welcome to the board.
 

Kiin

New member
Thanks for the welcomes and your opinions. They certainly helped :). I am not sure in the end if it was an excuse to end the relationship but quite possibly. They only saw each other a few times, I guess I just don't understand the thought of giving an excuse as I would rather just be up front about it.

Anyway, looking forward to getting to know everyone.
 

ourquad

New member
We've dealt with this in the past. We are a quad of two couples and that at times has led to no privacy. Not all of us have felt that the relationships should be, or are, completely separate in some ways.

Gator asked specific questions about everything. Well, I don't tell Tech everything about what goes on with Gator and I didn't feel that I should be made to tell Gator everything that went on between Tech and I. I have two different relationships.

Generalities have never been an issue for me to tell. And now that I don't feel I have to tell specifics all the time, I do elaborate on some things voluntarily.

The way you describe things, I don't feel that you are asking too much. And, truthfully, if she were interested in the relationship with your husband, she could have asked for this to be addressed between the three of you.

Don't take this upon yourself.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
.....the 'reason' people give for breaking-up, is just a excuse.

They don`t want to work on fixing the relationship. Sometimes the real reason is rooted in selfishness, or something awkward. So it`s hard to know when people are using a minor detail, as a full reason, when it is not the actual reason.

Surely you're not suggesting that people never have reasons for breaking-up, only excuses? That every relationship can be "fixed" ?

Some people are just inherently incompatible, and sometimes it takes time to realize it.

Some couples can be very functional without knowing details about their partners' other relationships. Others need to have a good idea of what's going on in their meta-relationships.

There's nothing inherently wrong with either form, as long as it's what everyone is comfortable with and it works for all parties involved.

In this case, Kiin, I think that you have a fair and healthy need to know what's going on in your husband's life and his other relationships. It seems that your husband is perfectly comfortable sharing that with you, so that's what works for you guys. Since the girlfriend had a need to keep her relationships private, it simply means they're incompatible. No reason for you to feel guilty over that.
 

candi

New member
My husband and I believe in total honesty. We talk about anything and everything...it's just something we really enjoy...reliving some of the experience's with each other. We call it "coffee time". I also know that the other couple enjoy's talking about the experiences. There is nothing in our quad relationship, that couldn't be put out there on the table. In our particular case, if someone had "something to hide", then there is a problem in the relationship....:D Candi
 
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