Hello and some thoughts

clalb

New member
Hi everyone.

I´m not sure if this is the right place to post, but I thought I´d introduce myself and also say a thing or two about my relationship and some issues I´ve been dealing with.

I'm C., 33, this is my first official poly relationship, although I now can see I've been poly - and struggling with my feelings to only love one at a time - since I was 11.

A., 35, and I have been in an open relationship for 1,5 years now. We get along very well. It was clear to us, before we met, we don´t want/can´t do mono, so we already started as an open relationship - this being the first open relationship for both of us. We talk about stuff, tell each other when we have sex with someone else or a potential partner is there.

A. is not jealous or insecure at all, so he supports me much more than I do - even though I´m happy for him, I still get insecure and jealous sometimes. Jealousy has been better, but I still struggle with insecurity when there´s someone new.

I have a long-distance friend/lover, S., for 2,5 years now. We are always in contact and meet each other whenever we can - that´s just not very often, as he lives in the US and I live in Germany. We have a deep connection, A. knows about him and I just met him for a couple of days now in May. My friend S. knows about A. as well.

So, A. met someone new a couple of weeks ago, they had sex. This woman is not poly. Not willing to be, as she already tried an open relationship and it didn´t worked out for her. She says, it´s not her "thing". To complicate things a bit more, she is in a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend she lives with and both of them are not willing to open the relationship. She is also not comfortable with knowing that A.´s poly and is been in a primary relationship with me for 1,5 years. She lives in Italy, but A. and her have been making plans to meet soon. He going to Italy, then she will be in Germany, he would go down to see her.

The whole situation makes me so insecure. A. states me I have nothing to worry about, both relationships are detached from each other (that´s also something I don´t really believe in, I think we do interact in some way and in my "perfect poly world" I would like to interact with his partners - not necessarily sexually, even though we already have had a threesome). He reassures me: he doesn´t want to replace me nor will he leave me for her.

I guess I just really feel bad for her boyfriend - I know it´s not my relationship, but it kinda collides with one of the reasons why poly is right for me: being honest, respecting your partner. And I don´t think cheating is any of this. It kinda disappoints me that A. does it.

Also, A. doesn´t give me much details, I only know the new woman V. says she can´t do poly and won´t leave her partner. A. already told her, he won´t go for mono.

So, it´s pretty clear to me, there are way to many red flags in this situation, still he seems to be putting so much effort on it (I also tend to think things are "worst" then they actually are). From my past relationships and cheating, I´m afraid she might just want to meet him again to dump her boyfriend and try to get him to dump me and be monogamous. I don´t really know. I´m afraid that she is going to bring much negative energy in our relationship, but I can´t really discuss it with A. as he is always like "that´s not your relationship, those are not your problems, just leave it alone, be cool".

It´s clear to me now I might not have a concrete question... :) Sorry about that. But I guess it´s more about the cheating and if anyone have ever been in a situation like that. Any new thoughts would be highly appreciated. I don´t really have lots of people to talk to and my mono friends just make my insecurities (probably because of socialization, still fighting to drop them!) grow stronger...

Thanks so much and sorry for the huge first post. :)
 
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Leetah

Member
Welcome. If you want more feedback on your particular situation you can post on Relationships forum.

This quote from the More Than Two site seems apropos though.

Don’t try to isolate your relationships

Nothing exists in a vacuum. Often, people try to isolate their relationships from one another, and try to “compartmentalize” the relationships so that each is a separate, distinct entity. This is usually more common with relationships that follow a primary/secondary model.

Trouble is, it doesn’t work. Each relationship can and will exert an influence on the others. It’s important to keep this in mind, and to understand that the things you do in one relationship have consequences for the others.
 
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clalb

New member
Thanks for the advice, Leetah, i will!

And also thanks for this quote. I already read it on his blog and I might get the book now. I should show A. this quote...
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings clalb,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):
"So, A met someone new a couple of weeks ago, they had sex. This woman is not poly. Not willing to be, as she already tried an open relationship and it didn't work out for her. She says, it's not her 'thing.' To complicate things a bit more, she is in a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend she lives with and both of them are not willing to open the relationship."

I'm confused. How is it that she's seeing A, if she's in a closed/monogamous relationship? Is she cheating? (and if she is, A is her "partner in crime.") I'm also confused on how A can be seeing her if she and A are absolutely split on whether to have a mono or poly relationship. Do they just not talk about it? How do they get past the dichotomy?

I agree with you that there are a lot of red flags here. But, what can you do? You can't force A to stop seeing her. I guess just wait for the bomb to go off? :(

Re:
"I'm afraid she might just want to meet him again to dump her boyfriend and try to get him to dump me and be monogamous."

That's certainly conceivable, but I want to ask: Can A be trusted to refuse to dump you?

I hope you can get things worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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