Hello from Central New York

JessieNY

New member
Hello all! I just stumbled upon this website and am happy I did. I am married to a wonderful man who happens to believe in polyamory as do I but I am finding it hard at times to get over the jealousy and insecurities that I have. We have had one relationship -not really serious 10 years ago. Just recently we talked about finding a serious relationship. My hubby loves to help other people and I love his way of thinking. Though, we have been together for over 10 years it is hard for me to overcome this insecurity that i have since we decided about possibly adding another woman to our home. I love the idea of having a friend and a bond with another women, yet the idea of sharing my husband emotionally is hard. Will I ever get over these feelings? I just hope that I can and also hope that we can meet the right woman with whom I can fall in love with as much as I am in love with my husband.
 
Welcome! As PittDruid said, your situation is one we see and help each other through frequently (not elittling your situation in any way), and you will find plenty of advice here!
 

CielDuMatin

New member
Jessie, welcome to the forum - hope you find the answers you seek.
 

dakid

New member
welcome jessie. i wish you all the best in your endeavours. don't forget - no relationship is "easy", but some are worth the struggle! i hope you find the support you seek here x
 

rosevett

New member
Welcome, from another NYer non-city *wink*. With 10 years of knowing about and exploring Polyamory I am sure you'll have some great input as well.
 

wolfnrose

New member
Many of us have been there...

Jessie:

As others have said, many of us have been there ourselves or been through numerous times of seeing our mates dealing with their polys (us!) strange ways... There isn't really a single way of working through it, but there are some commonalities I'm happy to try to share with you if you'd like...

I've been poly in brain since I was born, and poly externally for about 20 years now (yes, I was more than a little precocious for my time...). And even being poly myself, I'll admit it's still a little "odd" when my mate(s) actually go out on dates with others. I'm not sure if I can call it jealousy as most describe it (I don't envy their relationship, I just want to see that movie with them, too!), or even fear of loss (Oddly, I don't fear -- maybe this sounds arrogant, but I don't want someone who doesn't see my worth enough to hold onto me...).

But the biggest factor by far that *I* have discovered is (and this should really not surprise you?) is whether the other person is fundamentally worthy of your respect. If my fiance' dates a nice guy who seems to genuinely not wish to come between us, I'm hunky dory -- Yeah, stay over, borrow my tools, whatever... but if he's a total jackass who is clearly only going to hurt the woman I love deeply, I get my hackles up quickly. I don't believe in "bans" or "vetos" per se, but I do expect my mate to listen to my opinion when she's caught up in New Relationship Energy and totally blinded. I've been there myself, and know ALL about NRE making you think the scankwhore is Cinderella... :) One of my agreements with my current mate is PLEASE DO tell me when you think I'm dating a scank, because I probably won't see it, and she's likely to show her true colors to my mate (who she's trying to push out) MUCH earlier than myself (who she's trying to impress).

I have a proclivity for dating mono women (not by intent, but because most polys don't seem to agree with my version of respectful, limited poly). Yeah, I know, I'm giving myself a lot of headaches with ending up dating mono women, but I mention it because it does compound all of the above jealousy issues... On top of "human" jealousy, I get to contend with "I don't REALLY understand why you want a second anyway.... AND she's a scank, by the way." :) I will try not to speak for my mate(s), but as I said, I can try to give you a list of things that seemed to help based on my perspective.

Take care, and love well...
 

JessieNY

New member
In our relationship now it is myself and my husband. We are looking to add a 3rd for both of us to be with her and a whole unit...not just me with her or him with her. My husband wants for it to be equal for the both of us women involved. We haven't found anyone per se though we have had physical relationships in the past together. We want this to be a group effort but i find since i was raised mono i am having a hard time dealing with the emotional aspects. I do not want to be a jealous person or the insecure one - which is something i usually am and want so much to change that about myself so i can love freely and deeply. But the mono part of my mind is always standing there pointing out all my worst fears...what if he leaves me in favor of her? etc etc etc
 

lovefromgirl

New member
Leaving one woman in favor of another is... definitely skirting my personal boundaries of ethical non-monogamy, anyway, so you're not crazy or "not poly" for worrying. I think you'd do well to sit down and have a chat about those particular insecurities, recognising that they aren't inherent character flaws but reactions to fears you have about the security of your relationship.

Is your search limited to just the one woman? Would it help the two of you if you considered bringing in more than one partner -- one for each? You may well need someone of your own (oh, what a complicated phrase) in order to feel equal. There again, you may not, which is why this is a question and not set-in-stone advice. <3
 

Ariakas

Bosun
In our relationship now it is myself and my husband. We are looking to add a 3rd for both of us to be with her and a whole unit...not just me with her or him with her. My husband wants for it to be equal for the both of us women involved. We haven't found anyone per se though we have had physical relationships in the past together. We want this to be a group effort but i find since i was raised mono i am having a hard time dealing with the emotional aspects. I do not want to be a jealous person or the insecure one - which is something i usually am and want so much to change that about myself so i can love freely and deeply. But the mono part of my mind is always standing there pointing out all my worst fears...what if he leaves me in favor of her? etc etc etc

My wife had similar challenges initially, with our most recent partner. She worked through them, with the help of our friend. They spoke, rules were made and followed and slowly but surely those fears went away. In the end I was kind of a bystander watching the two girls build a deep friendship.

to be honest at this point, my wife is closer to our partner (b) than I am. B and I are having our own challenges opening up emotionally while the two of them have a very very deep rooted connection.
 

JessieNY

New member
Well, my husband is highly against me bringing in another man. Which I am okay with but on the other hand - that isn't really fair if he wants to bring in another woman for us to "share" but then the saying is 2 company's 3's a crowd pops into my mind. So it is so complex when dealing with this situation even if only in theory right now since we are still just the 2 of us.

I guess I would love to hear some success stories to give me hope that things can work out and I am not just being so insecure and selfish.
 

wolfnrose

New member
I hope this doesn't seem as harsh as it COULD seem, but in response to "What if he leaves me in favor of her?":

1) If that's a (significant) concern of yours, perhaps now is not the time to add anyone -- Ideally, you should feel nice and secure that there's really very little chance of him finding anyone "better" -- and that HE KNOWS IT. Chances are both are true, and you just need a bit more reassurance which he's happy to give. I think a lot of people "front" pretending they are strong and don't need extra attention sometimes -- why do that? You only get what you need if you ask for it, and being able to give it to you only makes your relationship stronger.

2) If he's poly, remember that he wants you BOTH. It's non-sequitor that, given a choice, he'd give you up even if he DID like the other person "better." And again, why would you think he likes the other better than the one he's already chosen to "set stakes with"? There is a mono-brain fear that partners are "really secretly" looking to trade up instead of add-on... but knowing a lot of polys as well as myself, that's TOTALLY against how the poly brain works. Maybe poly is a little selfish for wanting so much love, but it's not cavalier with what IS "good love"...

3) In the event he CAN give you up, he's a) certainly not poly, but instead a dissatisfied mono and b) MIGHT be better suited to this other person if you really truly don't satisfy him. And YOU shouldn't waste your time with someone who only wants one mate if it's not you. Sorry again if this sounds harsh, but I speak from experience of being not sincerely wanted in a relationship. "Better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho all your life"... same goes for heartless people.

3) How the heck would he measure "better" anyway? I can't really compare "who I love more" type stuff so much as "this is the one I'm living with/having kids with/planning this part of my life with" and "those things aren't on the table with this second person, but I plan to do ____ with them instead of my first love."... but I don't love one "more" than the other so much as planning different sectors of my life with one or the other -- and even if one mate has a longer history, so what, really? If someone stays with you ONLY because you're first, that's SAD...

OK, I've rambled enough... hopefully something in here was useful for thought and CONVERSATION with your mate...
 

JessieNY

New member
My wife had similar challenges initially, with our most recent partner. She worked through them, with the help of our friend. They spoke, rules were made and followed and slowly but surely those fears went away. In the end I was kind of a bystander watching the two girls build a deep friendship.

to be honest at this point, my wife is closer to our partner (b) than I am. B and I are having our own challenges opening up emotionally while the two of them have a very very deep rooted connection.

This is what I needed to hear. Though, who brought the other woman into the relationship?
 

Ariakas

Bosun
This is what I needed to hear. Though, who brought the other woman into the relationship?

That gets complicated. Easy answer would be me, but it wasn't that simple. B is a flirt and I work with her. We flirted a lot. Once she started crossing that bridge I mentioned she would have to meet my wife (we had been trying to hook this up for months but she worked nights and I worked days, she eventually got transferred). Nothing goes beyond flirting without her being involved.

They met, they got along and the girl kind of brought herself into the relationship (it was weeks of going out, enjoying each other and endless flirting and teasin). She knew we both wanted her and she told us we were going on a road trip to the city. In the end, all 3 of us picked each other. It needed to be that way, you can't have one person on the side dangling.

Not to say things are perfect and hunky dory. We have a relationship now, but due to a lot of challenges we have stopped having sex (we are working on this, hopefully it can be fixed). And there is still some insecurities involved to. Just last night my wife and I had to clear the air in regards to attraction. My wife was feeling a little jealous about how turned on I am when the other girl is around. She needed to be aware that this is a factor of the 3 of us together. I am not any more attracted to B than I am with my wife, but when the three of us are together I get this euphoric feeling. Everything just feels right.

hope that helps, and if you want I can put you in touch with my wife. This is relatively new for us and we are still working on, well, everything.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Well, my husband is highly against me bringing in another man. Which I am okay with but on the other hand - that isn't really fair if he wants to bring in another woman for us to "share" .

I wonder how common this is, I agree it is unfair. It seems some guys want to have it all i.e. a woman to "share" without giving back in the sense of having thier spouse enjoy some one of the opposite sex. I'm not poly but I wonder if this is generally deemed as ethical poly boundaries? The people in my community seem to be ok with pansexual acceptance of other partners for the most part....bit of a tangent so feel free to ignore.
 

JessieNY

New member
I appreciate your input Mono sometimes i feel so alone even in my marriage that i really need to express my concerns here because at times it feels like it is falling on deaf ears. I have no problem sharing but what if i wanted more? It is so hard for me to decide how to respond at times to his "points of view" and I do not want to seem like i am selfish but it seems like it is a double standard.
 

lovefromgirl

New member
Jessie, if your needs are going unfulfilled while his needs are all taken care of and we're getting on to the "wants" part of the list, you're not the selfish one in the equation.
 

rosevett

New member
I wonder how common this is, I agree it is unfair. It seems some guys want to have it all i.e. a woman to "share" without giving back in the sense of having thier spouse enjoy some one of the opposite sex. I'm not poly but I wonder if this is generally deemed as ethical poly boundaries? The people in my community seem to be ok with pansexual acceptance of other partners for the most part....bit of a tangent so feel free to ignore.

Doesn't this fall under 'One Penis Policy' I didn't take the time to check out the board to see if there is already a thread on this... but I pretty much agree with your thinking here. Guess I can't 'ignore'
 

wolfnrose

New member
Agreed...

Jessie, if your needs are going unfulfilled while his needs are all taken care of and we're getting on to the "wants" part of the list, you're not the selfish one in the equation.

Although I've encounterred this slightly more with "poly" men not wanting other men in the mix than I have with poly women not wanting other women, both DO happen enough that I wouldn't hang it on the gender specifically... it's not THAT unbalanced statistically.

Most poly men who don't "allow" their mate to date other men don't generally strike me as "actually" poly for many other reasons... they may be "sanctioned cheaters" or "looking to trade up" or many other things, but are generally not very loving (IN MY OPINION) of their primary mate even before the second person shows up. And then there are some are polygynous (NOT polyamorous) for religious or other reasons, whereby "fairness" doesn't even enter their equations.

So, you asked "is this common?" -- I'd say it happens, but not neccessarily common beyond insecurity issues that may manifest as having a hard time "letting" your mate date others (and as some already pointed out, if that's all it is, you have to acknowledge your mate let YOU date others, schmuckus!).

In all of this, I'd also interject that oftentimes, not all mates WANT to date anyone else. My girls are always "allowed" but seldom "choose to" unless I'm not living up to MY end of the relationship. And in that case, I work on the primary relationship harder, so as to obtain that permission once more. While I'm NEVER perfect, it's understandably a LOT easier to deal with my being poly IF my girl can say she wants for little AND I still have plenty of love left to give to others. My goal is that, other than the inevitable splitting of time, my 2nd relationship shouldn't decrease ANYTHING in my first.

I think I've mentioned elsewhere that I tend to date mono women just because the people with the level of commitment I seek happen to often be mono themselves, and I don't pre-select for only poly women. That said, I have had plenty of poly girlfriends dating other guys (usually with me as HER secondary), and some of my "mostly mono" mates have ventured into dating others with my blessings (and cautions). I don't want a veto, but do expect them to listen to my caution before plowing forward, just as I do of their warnings about my latest interest.

My rule of thumb isn't for either partner to "allow" or "veto", but for ALL partners to constantly revisit the question TOGETHER of whether the setup is good for each individual, then each couple, and finally for all... Often the imbalances revealed are their own answers more than who was letting who do what... Sometimes there are problems revealed that, working together, can be easily solved... and sometimes there are problems all pointing back to one person, and they need to be wished well and sent on their way by the remaining partners... but partners deciding for other partners what is "allowed," as you asked? That doesn't seem a healthy framework to work within, regardless of the actual outcomes...
 
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