Hello, here's my situation (quad)

LadyKismet

LadyKismet

New member
For the past 14 years, my husband Rob and I have been incredibly linked in so many ways. Jim and his wife Karen are closer to me than family. Yet there is a lot of spiritual and sexual tension surrounding us. I am bisexual, as is my best friend Karen. We are linked so strongly we know when there's something wrong with the other. She has my heart, as does Jim.

I can try, in words, to describe what 'it' is, meaning what's between us four. We have all been through hell together, and although we have hurt each other, there is ultimate and unconditional love and acceptance between us.

I strongly feel that we should merge our families, and Karen concurs. We both feel that we all belong together. The problem is convincing the men. Each has their own problems with the idea. Jim worries that there will be problems. (There will be. I mean, what couple doesn't have problems?)

As for my husband, Rob, well... it hurts him to even know I have feelings for Jim. He does not mind my feelings for Karen, and lets us do what we want, and be together. But he cannot tolerate me being with another man. The thought alone makes me crazy. But the funny thing is, I don't have to be intimate with Jim to be near him. We can remain outward friends and love each other the best we can without sexual contact.

Rob and Karen have my blessings to be together, with no ill feelings.

I trust these four more than life itself. They are all special and sacred to me. I want us to be a family, but I don't see how it's going to happen. Then again, I feel that it will happen one day. We four are too close for all of us, even the most stubborn, to not see it eventually. It would be hard for Rob to get over his jealousy, though. And it would be hard for Jim to stop worrying about Rob being upset.

I want our family to be reunited. I want us all to be together. Unfortunately, the other couple lives in CO, while Rob and I are in Florida. I'm flying Karen out in two weeks. Rob, Karen and I will be going on a romantic vacation together. I'm hoping that once he sees that the three of us can be together, there's a possibility that this might work.

What are your suggestions? I know deep in my heart that we all belong together. What can I do to introduce the idea slowly?

Thanks for letting me vent,
Heather
 
The beginning sentence should read, my husband Rob and I are linked with another couple, who are our best friends, or something along those lines. I hope it was implied, and I didn't annoy anyone.
 
It sounds like you are on a good track, really. Just be patient and it will all fall into place where it will. Pushing any of it on anyone will not end in your favour. It sounds like this suggestion is new information for the men and might need time to settle in. Jealousy usually dies out with time, and if it doesn't, then there is something deeper that is wrong. That might be worth waiting to find out about. This could be an awesome thing if you let it all work itself out. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be, and at least you can say that you didn't push anyone to do something they didn't want to do.
 
redpepper said:
It sounds like you are on a good track. Just be patient and it will all fall into place where it will. Pushing any of it on anyone will not end in your favour. It sounds like this suggestion is new information for the men and might need time to settle in. Jealousy usually dies out with time and if it doesn't then there is something deeper that is wrong. This could be an awesome thing if you take it easy and let it all work itself out...
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Thank you, Red Pepper. You kind of confirmed what I'm hoping is the right thing to do. I am planning on sitting down with Rob and Karen in two weeks. I think she is on board.

I'm hoping Rob can understand that I love him very much. It's hard for him to understand that there's space in your heart for many loves. To him it's black and white. If you love someone else, you don't love me. And it hurts me, and it hurts him. What's the best way to get the conversation across?
 
My thoughts

I am not sure why I am offering a reply. Most likely it is to help myself come to grips with some of the things that I am facing in my life. I am of the opinion that love, the feeling, the emotion, is infinite. However, the fear, the concern, the black and white view point could come from insecurity. "If they really love me, then why do they love someone else?"

Most of us were raised with the thought, the idea, the concept of The One. The one perfect love, the one perfect match. The one who was made to complete us. It's a beguiling notion. I can not say that it is not true.

However, it begs the question: if there is one "perfect match," how many 98% matches are there out there in the world? 89%? 76%? How are we to truly judge what a perfect love is, let alone a perfect relationship?

Anyway, love is a GIFT. It can not be taken, it can not be loaned. And once given, it can not be taken back. Yet, as said before, I believe it is infinite. So you can give all you wish. And when you find yourself in a relationship where love is returned in kind, it is truly a wonderous thing.

Now, for insecurity or jealousy, it is EASIER to just love one person. It's not lazy, just simpler. And possibly it has been ingrained into us by family, society, religion, etc., that the love we give MUST be to only one. It is not easy to break out of the norms that we have grown into. And it is all too easy to find hurt when one thinks that the love one's loved one gives to another is at the expense of oneself.

Your husband is not threatened, I would dare say, by Karen, but then again, why should he be? The nature of your intimacy, sexual or otherwise, is no threat to him. But to face the idea that you could love and be bound intimately with another man, I could see that being most difficult to accept, for it raises the question: what is it that this man, this fellow person of my own gender, can give, that I am NOT giving?

The answer is the nature of the emotional fulfillment, the nature of the CONNECTION that you feel with Jim. You can LOVE the mutual shared connection you have with Rob for say, a hobby, something that you two enjoy together. And with Jim, you love the feeling of intimacy that comes from shared experiences that are DIFFERENT from Rob.

It's my best of hopes for you that in TIME, and with much open and honest communication between you and Rob and this couple, that Rob could come to see that what ever Jim could give is something special and different, and not a threat to the nature of the love that he provides.

I am sorry for the lengthy response. I wish you well.
 
LadyKismet said:
To him it's black and white. If you love someone else, you don't love me. And it hurts me, and it hurts him. What's the best way to get the conversation across? Any pointers?
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Well, for me, I tend to go for the logical response, due to my personality. I usually say that we understand people wanting more than one child, more than one pet or more than one type of favorite food. Polyamory is just another example of people wanting more than one love. Love is not a finite quantity; the time we can spend with those we love is finite. So, if he has more than one pet or child, ask him if the second one diminished his love for the first. However, the logical approach does not often work.

Another way I try to explain it is to get the person to imagine being with two people they loved at some point in their life at the same time. Sometimes if they can relate to two loves they have had, they can grasp the idea of loving more than one person at a time.

Another way is to talk about how society teaches us that we should only have one true love, as LethalTender said. But we should question society's rules, instead of blindly accepting them. I don't know if this will work. It might work on a self-reflective type of personality.
 
I have to be honest-- I don't understand how it is possible to love two people intimately. It is a totally different thing than the love of multiple children, to me. I used to use that argument with my mono friends until I realized I didn't believe it myself. LOL

The sexual aspect of intimate love sets it apart.

But I do know it is possible! In order for me to accept that my partner Redpepper could indeed have these feelings for more than one person, I had to see her and her husband together. There is no doubt in my mind that she loves both of us immensely. I see it in her eyes. That is all I need.

In my case, as a monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship, the many differences between our two natures are overcome with acceptance, while not understanding. This does not mean I tolerate the differences (that would be fake and not sustainable) but means I trust that they are right and healthy for my partner. And she trusts that my nature is right and healthy for me. I hope this makes sense.

I love the direction you are taking your poly relationship. The deep connection and family is truly what I love to see.

Best of luck.
 
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Thank you all for your advice.

This is definitely not something I planned on doing overnight The heart just doesn't work that way.

Rob is on the phone with Karen as we speak, and it warms my heart to the glow he gets on his face when he speaks to her.

There is more to the story than what I've put out, though. I was dishonest with Rob. 7 years ago, we were all friends. Then Jim and I started an affair. It was not ever sex, but it was emotional, and that's enough for me to be a cheater, in my eyes. We kissed twice.

The pain of having to choose between them was so intense, I left Rob for 2 months. I was torn into a million pieces. I wanted all three. I could have none, or only one.

There was dishonesty on my part, big time. A lot of the jealousy stems from that.

Rob, in turn, had an affair with Karen, out of anger. But I understand that and it doesn't bother me at all. I know how badly I hurt him.

But if poly is based on anything, it is based on trust and honesty. And the honest truth is that we all belong together. I know that, and deep in his heart, Rob has admitted that. I understand that for now, it must be the three of us, me, Rob, and Karen. It's more than understandable.

I wish with all my heart I could take back the hurt I caused, but it's not possible. I *hope* that one day we can let Jim into the fold. I do not have any expectations, though, because we're all human, and it may be too painful for Rob for the rest of our lives, and I could understand that.

In our last poly relationship, I continued to tell Rob it was too painful and I couldn't do it anymore, to which he would reply that it was my self esteem issue to work out (all of us together, of course). But I was not forthright in the fact that I wanted it to end, period, and he didn't accept the signs that it was too hurtful for me. I would go in the bathroom, lock the door, and curl up into a little ball, sobbing and shaken to my core. I would get sick over it. He turned his head from it, because he enjoyed it too much. All of the symptoms were from my dishonesty in my level of happiness, and my not being close to someone who was dishonest and manipulative to begin with. Hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, I'm trusting my intuition on this one, and that is that we will all move past our hurts and be together one day. I never have to be sexual with Jim. What I feel transcends that, incredibly. Just to spend some time with him is enough to make me happy. I hope that Rob can one day forgive me and see it for the harmless truth that it is.

I appreciate all the advice, guys. I'm so glad I found this place. What wonderful people! I hope you all sleep well, and have wonderful dreams.

Love and light,
Heather
 
Forgive yourself, Heather. No one gets everything right the first time. You have learned from your mistakes and are on a healthy and respectful path now.

The fact that you are sharing your story so that others who are experiencing cheating in their lives might benefit from your wisdom is a great gift. Thanks. You are turning it around to help others, and that's very commendable!
 
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