Hello :) This is me

Jilla

New member
Hi everyone! :)

I feel a bit of a fraud posting here as I don't really know if I'm poly (or even if it's a thing you are, rather than a thing you do?). I didn't realise there was a name for my situation until fairly recently, but I've been doing a lot of Googling and ended up here ... where I've already found heaps of interesting and helpful information (thank you!). So now that I've finally plucked up the courage to register, here I am! :D

It's probably easiest if I start by briefly introducing everyone:

Me - 29F, heterosexual

P - 31M, bisexual, my boyfriend of 10 years and committed life partner

R - 36M, heterosexual, my boyfriend of 6 months

C - 29F, bisexual, my close friend and P's girlfriend of 5 months

P and I jointly own a house and a whole menagerie of pets. We were monogamous for nine years (apart from a year when we were members of a swingers' club), until last summer when we began relationships with R and C. Both had been our close friends for many years - I've known C since we were at school and she's probably my closest female friend. R had also been a good friend for a long time, and I had always found him attractive, but he was in a long-term relationship until about a year ago.

We've experienced a few challenges along the way, which I'll save for another post, but the short version is that R is now living with us. (C owns her own house in another city.)

I suppose I've always been quite open-minded in my relationships (more so than most of my friends, at least, some of whom are very traditional). I was in an open relationship before I met P, although it didn't work very well, and a few times I was aware of having romantic feelings for more than one person at once. Unfortunately I always dismissed any idea of pursuing this and ended relationships if I found myself developing feelings for someone else. After I acknowledged the possibility of enjoying more than one person simultaneously, I assumed this was a purely sexual thing (hence the swinging, and a few proposed threesomes, only one of which ever went ahead). But I was never able to separate sex from emotions ... in fact, now I think about it, my last three relationships started as one-night stands and 'evolved' from there! At this point I can say without reservation that I love both P and R and am totally committed to both of them.

Some of the things I'd be keen to discuss with more experienced poly people are:

- 'Getting the balance right' between partners, especially in a cohabiting context

- Managing jealousy (although this is less of an issue for us now)

- The dynamics of a quad, if that's the right term, and what might happen if the setup changes (P, R and I are in this for the long haul, but for C it's more of a temporary arrangement)

- Whether to tell friends and family

Good to meet you all, and I look forward to sharing experiences and (hopefully) getting some advice from people who understand! :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Jilla,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It's wonderful that you could join us, and don't worry about whether you "are" poly, we have quite a few active members who are monogamous.

I'd be happy to talk about those topics you mentioned; others will too. I suggest posting them in General Poly Discussions or Poly Relationships Corner, where they will get more attention. Anything you want to discuss in this thread is fine too, I'm always active here and some others will be too.

Glad to meet you and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Spork

Active member
Let's see...

As for whether you "are" poly or if it's a thing you are, or a thing you do...

Opinions vary greatly, and we've debated it here. Personally, I don't think there is a wrong way to look at this, and I don't think that different people doing it or seeing it differently invalidates anyone. So for those who have poly as part of their permanent concept of IDENTITY, if that is your truth and your happiness, then YAY YOU. For those who are trying it on for size, or see it as a lifestyle choice in their own doings, also YAY YOU. We're all writing our own scripts, I figure. Write true to what's in your heart and there won't be a wrong answer.

So quad dynamics... I was in a quad, and the ladies in the quad also had other partners (me, and Fire both did.) However, the only cohabitation was the married couple, who are primary to one another, and aside from that basic arrangement it was pretty easy-peasy egalitarian poly, at least from my perspective. One thing that I advise is to make sure that everyone is communicating directly and clearly with one another. If you get even one person who doesn't speak their own truths (I know I keep using that word, but it's important)...you're going to have issues. My quad ended after a year, but it didn't go down in flames, it just faded, flickered, and blinked out. Thing is I know that one of us four stopped being communicative, there were misunderstandings then, especially as others tried to play go-between, or interpret the silence to one another, and there were unspoken expectations that weren't clearly agreed on.

Make sure everyone is comfortable talking to everyone else, and beware triangulation in communications...try to avoid person 1 and person 2 talking about person 3 who isn't in the room type stuff if you can.

As for telling friends and family, you all need to discuss that and find a place of agreement on it. There isn't a Poly Rule for that. People do what they are comfortable and safe doing.

Welcome and best wishes!
 
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