Hello World (programmer joke)

PolyCurious911

New member
I have been married to my wife for almost twelve years. Our relationship has been monogamous up until very recently. We have a ton of things in common and connect on many different levels. We have two children and have built a beautiful life together that we truly enjoy and appreciate.

Our journey into the world of polyamory came at my suggestion a couple years ago. Several times over the course of our marriage, my wife confronted me with questions around my attraction to her and whether or not I was even in love with her. Some times after intimacy, she would state that she didn't feel a connection with me and that it felt like I was just going through the motions. I didn't understand things at the time, but I will get to that later. In my confusion, I would also take it personally that I had difficulty satisfying her during sex with an orgasm which added to my own feelings of inadequacy. To bring this satisfaction, both physically and emotionally to our sex life, I suggested the possibility of a cuckold type situation where she might be able to fill a void that I truly felt incapable of filling.

She flat out rejected the idea as too risky for our marriage but it continued to come up at different times since. I stopped bringing it up after she explained it felt like I would just keep mentioning it until she agreed so it felt like coercion. She recently started to explore the idea on her own as a way to bring something to our relationship that we both felt I wanted. Her initial mindset was that this was something to do for me.

Though neither potential partner has worked out (one is ongoing, but with a lot of complexity and ethical concerns but nothing sexual at this point outside of sexting). The exploration has raised some significant concepts for us as individuals.

On my side, I've learned about attachment styles and realized that I have been Attachment Avoidant the majority of my life. What I realized is that I was giving away the emotional piece of our relationship to someone else. In retrospect, experimenting with the cuckolding situation would probably have been disastrous. This realization has brought on an openness and closeness to our relationship that has me feeling a level of love that I have never felt for anyone before, including myself. It's absolutely amazing.

On her side, she's realized she has people pleasing tendencies and is learning that she fails to consider her wants and needs when navigating situations and relationships. She's a giver and an empath. She now identifies as poly demisexual and that is where we are at in our very young journey into the world of polyamory. So many of these terms are brand new, but I've discovered the idea of compersion when considering her relationships with others. When she tells me about ways in which relationships feel good...I love it and I'm happy for her. But when she tells me about her current relationship and how she feels (at times) mistreated or bad, I feel an equal amount of resentment and get upset that someone would treat her that way. She deserves better.

For myself, I'm currently not interested in exploring polyamory because I have so much work to do. I am emotionally available to my wife in a way that I have never been available to anyone and I think there is just too much growth I need to go through to make sure I maintain this level of connection and openness with her. That could change over time. We've realized very quickly that these relationship dynamics can shift rapidly. But for now, we consider our relationship Mono-Poly.

We're working with a sex positive therapist to help us navigate these new dynamics and through some of her questions have determined that Kitchen Table Poly is probably most suited for our relationship, in part because of my attachment styles and insecurities and in other ways because she would prefer it to be an open friendship between myself and her other relationships. This is presently our most ideal situation.

So that's a bit long, but I think a fair introduction of who I am and where we're at in our journey. I'm excited to be part of the community and look forward to meeting and discussing topics with you all. Thank you!
 

Eponine

Member
Welcome! I'm kind of a programmer too, so I like your title and username. :)

It's great that you guys are learning so much in the poly journey. One thing about kitchen table poly: A lot of people like the idea, and it's great if it happens naturally, but it can't be forced, because sometimes you just don't get along with your metamours. Do you just prefer KTP, or do you require it? It's a lot more tricky if you require it.
 

PolyCurious911

New member
Welcome! I'm kind of a programmer too, so I like your title and username. :)

It's great that you guys are learning so much in the poly journey. One thing about kitchen table poly: A lot of people like the idea, and it's great if it happens naturally, but it can't be forced, because sometimes you just don't get along with your metamours. Do you just prefer KTP, or do you require it? It's a lot more tricky if you require it.
This is a great question around the requirement piece. It has evolved from a situation to get certain needs met that I wouldn't or couldn't to a dynamic where she can explore what feels good for her and the emotional piece is very important. Consequently, me in the room is less so of a boundary or requirement for acceptance. I think the KTP piece is due to my own insecurity and fear of losing her. I do think this can and will evolve and maybe that part will fall away as I accept that I am her primary and she's committed to our relationship where I continue to be the primary while she is exploring secondary partners.

We've communicated a lot. To the point where we are sometimes exhausted and it feels all consuming. Ironically, both of her potential metamours have had very similar characteristics to me. One of them joked with her, oh yeah...you have a type for sure haha. Because of how these situations came about, I think we've both agreed to kind of put the brakes on it as we get help from community and therapist in navigating this very new world. As I've realized that her emotional happiness is a turn on for me, the sexual aspect has almost faded from my mind. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. There is anxiety and fear that still drives a lot of my reactions to our present situation, but I'm getting help and support in managing that.

She's expressed herself that her ideal partner would get along with me and that she doesn't feel comfortable just having a partner where our paths don't cross. Things could change. maybe that because of trust, familiarity, or whatever. But we're open to exploring, evolving and if something doesn't feel right or isn't okay and starts to affect our relationship, then we have to dial things back in so that we are secure with each other. As our therapist said though, sometimes it's hard to "put the genie back in the bottle."

We've both agreed we need to take this very slow because we don't know what the hell we're doing haha. Thank you for your reply :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings NullSlashZer0,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have given the ins and outs of polyamory a lot of thought, and a lot of communication with your wife. This is a very positive sign. You can learn even more on Polyamory.com, I encourage you to explore our various threads and boards, and post often with your thoughts and questions.

I note that you may have misunderstood the meaning of "metamour;" when you say, "both of her potential metamours," I think you mean, "both of her potential OSO's," or, "both of my potential metamours." A metamour is your partner's partner from your point of view; from your partner's point of view, they are her "Other Significant Other," where you are her "Significant Other" (SO).

Terminology can be fun!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

PolyCurious911

New member
Thank you Kevin! I definitely had the terms confused. I appreciate the clarification. I've found a few threads already that have been very helpful. I also recently joined a discord and the community support that I have been getting is amazing. It helps me clear up things where I may have a skewed perception of various situations. I am happy to be here learning and my wife should be here soon with her own questions. I truly believe developing our relationship and adding polyamory into it is going to ultimately strengthen our bond. It is scary as we deal with unfamiliar circumstances and emotions, but it's also very exciting.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well I am glad to be of any little help I can. Polyamory requires a lot of work, but it's usually very worth the effort. My advice for now would be to take things nice and slow. Baby steps. Also lots of communication, but you're already doing that.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Welcome. I was wondering what you meant by not being able to sexually satisfy your wife, to the point where you wanted to call in the cavalry to assist. Was it a lack of emotional connection? Not listening to her about what techniques she needs to get off? Being unable or unwilling to do those things? Or are you talking about penis size? Many cucks who perceive their own penis as being of an inadequate size enjoy seeing their wife get fucked by another guy with a larger penis, ideally a very large one.

I was just wondering if it was to a large extent your perceived inadequacy in one of those areas (emotional and/or sexual) that brought you to the idea of opening your relationship. Perhaps it was mostly a lack of emotional depth, since you say you believe you are/were attachment avoidant. The thing about cuckoldry is, it isn't often about big emotional attachment between the "hot wife" and the "bull," but more about his sexual prowess. And then the wife and husband are still attached, either lovingly or in a humiliating way, which they both get off on, during the sex and after the bull leaves.
 

PolyCurious911

New member
Welcome. I was wondering what you meant by not being able to sexually satisfy your wife, to the point where you wanted to call in the cavalry to assist. Was it a lack of emotional connection? Not listening to her about what techniques she needs to get off? Being unable or unwilling to do those things? Or are you talking about penis size? Many cucks who perceive their own penis as being of an inadequate size enjoy seeing their wife get fucked by another guy with a larger penis, ideally a very large one.

I was just wondering if it was to a large extent your perceived inadequacy in one of those areas (emotional and/or sexual) that brought you to the idea of opening your relationship. Perhaps it was mostly a lack of emotional depth, since you say you believe you are/were attachment avoidant. The thing about cuckoldry is, it isn't often about big emotional attachment between the "hot wife" and the "bull," but more about his sexual prowess. And then the wife and husband are still attached, either lovingly or in a humiliating way, which they both get off on, during the sex and after the bull leaves.
I had this long drawn out response. I tend to be too wordy lol. I'll try to be more concise about the progression of what the idea of cuckolding meant to me. I can start by saying humiliation was never really appealing to me personally and my wife never indicated 1. that she was dissatisfied with the physical aspect of our sex and 2. That she desired a large penis. In fact, she told me she had been with someone in the past that was really large and it hurt and was uncomfortable. She didn't find pleasure in it at all.

My past is riddled with infidelity (partners cheating on me) and before meeting my wife, had come to the conclusion that humans just aren't cut out for monogamy. Early in the relationship with my wife, there was infidelity on both sides and the same wound surfaced right away reconfirming for me that monogamy is just an ideal but not practical.

Idea #1: It's not cheating if it's consensual.

After that, I did have insecurities around performance. I would almost always orgasm before my wife and I had feelings of inadequacy around it. At this point, I think it's relevant to mention I had an unhealthy relationship with pornography that probably affected my perceived role in sexual encounters as the orgasm 'giver.' We've always been open to toys, oral and other things to help achieve orgasm, but until recently, masturbation wasn't something she felt comfortable doing in front of me. Introducing that into our sex life has been amazing.

Idea #2: Maybe there is someone that is better at sex than I am that can help her achieve orgasm during sex rather than after

Then there is the emotional piece; the feeling of being disconnected. This I didn't realize until very recently when the potential of a cuckolding experience was in motion. After the first potential partner didn't work out, my wife was hurt and experienced a lot of emotional pain. Emotional connection was very important to her. Immediately after informing me about the potential, our sexual intimacy increased a ton. It was only after talking through things with her and feelings of being rejected that I had the epiphany that the idea of cuckolding wasn't what I thought at all.

Current Understanding: Cuckolding was a way to offload the responsibility of emotional connection to another person and me being in the room was a requirement for my sense of security. There was a piece of me that wanted to witness something really beautiful, but I think the main idea around the situation was that she could get what I couldn't give and I could be there, ensuring we would ultimately leave together.

There was never a size thing, or a humiliation piece of this. In fact, we both agreed that we couldn't bare to be a part of a situation like that. But now, my wife has discovered that she does enjoy the emotional connection with others (and with me now that i'm learning how to be more available). I'm also learning that when she is cared for by myself or others, I find happiness in her feeling empowered and desired by myself and others. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of not being in the room but not quite there yet. However, being in the room has also evolved to more of a threesome type encounter assuming everyone was comfortable with that idea.

Hopefully that makes sense. I think the whole idea has now shifted to sharing love with others because it doesn't make sense to restrict it to one person and it's enjoyable. For myself, the idea remains closed because I have to just work on my own stuff and my wife fears that I'll give my attention to someone else when she hasn't had my full attention and connection until recently. All this makes sense and we're allowing things to evolve and trying not to get to caught up with where things may end up.

Thank you for your questions and interest. I appreciate you taking the time to ask :)
 
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