Hello.

Casablanca

New member
Hello,

I don't plan on doing much posting for a bit. Too much to read and learn before I start stating the obvious and putting my foot in it. But, I know me, I will chip in before too long. So this is me, and where I am at.

I'm 52, male, monogamously married 10 years, three kids. I'm the stay at home parent looking after the family, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, being taken for granted - all the usual mum stuff. I'm a male mum.

We live in a rural community - the sort of place the news reporters call 'close knit' when something unspeakable happens there. I'm not a gregarious person, most of my friends have been made through my wife. She has fallen in love/lust/need/whatever with another man who lives 30 miles away.

I'm not jealous. I'm envious but not jealous. She knows this. She would kill me if things were reversed. That's a bit unfair and she knows that too. But that's her monkey, not mine. Not that I am planning (or desiring) to be with anyone else.

That's it. (For the moment.)

Apart from the why am I here? bit.

Initially I'm here to learn. A lot of you guys have been down the road I'm standing on before and I want to find the paths you have blazed and the dead ends you have marked for fellow travellers.

Thanks.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
Welcome Casablanca. I hope that you find the things that you seek here.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi and welcome.

How long have been in this new dynamic. How much reading and research have you both done prior to opening things up.?

Envious of what ....you not having another partner or what she sharing with the other guy and not you.?

Good luck...D
 
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Casablanca

New member
Hi and welcome.

How long have been in this new dynamic. How much reading and research have you both done prior to opening things up.?

Envious of what ....you not having another partner or what she sharing with the other guy and not you.?

Good luck...D

She and he have been communicating on line for a while. They met a few weeks ago, but she stayed overnight with him for the first time last week.

Reading and research? None. We're both grown-ups; we talked a lot.

I had a really rough couple of days and cried a lot when I realised theory and practice were a little different from one another. What had seemed so simple and rational in fact released great and uncontrollable emotions in me. It was surprising.

My feelings for a few days were stronger than my optimism.

We talked some more and rewrote some ground rules. More double checking and clarity was required. I rearranged the furniture in my head and we seem to be okay for the moment.

The envy is purely and simply that I recognise, and have very nostalgic memories of, the depth of new love feeling. I'd dearly love to know them again. I'm happy that she's feeling them. I love it that she is so happy. I just regret that I am unlikely ever to feel them again. That's what I mean by envious.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello C. blanca,
Welcome to our forum.

I can easily understand feeling envious about that new love feeling (which we often call NRE, New Relationship Energy). I'm sure it will get easier over time, and never say never, who can say what the future holds.

There should even be some RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy) bouncing back to you from this new relationship, and hopefully your wife won't let the NRE cloud her mind so much that she forgets to give you the extra reassurance you need. NRE can be a little blinding, so don't be shy about reminding her about your wants/needs (and just a, "Hey, I'm here too," reminder).

Glad you could join us, hope we can be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Wow do I get what you mean about the theory vs the practice. To different parts of the brain used in these cases.


Likely you will go through a mourning period ....mourning the loss of what your marriage was (or what you thought your marriage was and what it meant ) this takes time and that furniture might have to be rearranged a few more times before its over.

It's great that you talked a lot and are grown ups ...it's just really hard to unring bells. Reading the different stories could give each of you an idea of what to look forward to. Also knowing that she would/will have problems if roles are reversed is something big that she needs to work on. Plenty of stories of one partner pushing for this then melting down when the reluctant partner finds a partner....then they want to throw in the towel go back to being monogamous...tooo late. My wife had a melt down when I stopped wearing my wedding ring.


I agree with Kevin never say never:D ...again a little reading and you'll see many who came saying the exact same thing and then over time opening up to trying it for themselves.

The spill over effect might require more furniture rearrangement depending on patterns and history of your relationship.....and it's not a given....don't expect it.
 

Casablanca

New member
Thanks for the messages, folks.

'Never' is indeed a long time but I'm really am a serial monogamist at heart. My wife and I have been together 15 years (10 years married); I was with someone for a year or so before that (more of a 'friends that fuck' thing than any intention of a long term relationship); and before that I was with someone else for 15 years.

Three partners in 31 years. Not exactly a stud muffin. I have a pretty strong erotic drive - I just want it to share it with someone I really care for.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Nothing wrong with that ... You just have to figure out which dynamic/s work/s for you/your current relationship.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
NO ....that's great.....continual loss of sleep can make a bump feel like a mountain. Celebrate this small victory.:D...and hope it continues. Nothing worse than laying at 3am with a hamster wheel going in your head.


Good luck and continued success ..D
 

Casablanca

New member
... and I'm out of here.

The BF has called it quits, 'can't rationalise the greater picture' or somesuch twaddle. What's to rationalise? My wife, the occasionally second most gorgeous woman on the planet*, no strings attached and he can't 'rationalise' it. Screw him, the selfish fucking git. Fed up with bending over backwards to accommodate other people's feelings and fix this. Not doing it any more.

What I have to do now is fix my marriage now the huge fucking monkey spanner has gone off and removed its self-indulgent navel-gazing self.

My wife has dreadful taste in men.

And what does that say about me?

Thanks for the help. Don't think I'll be back

Have fun.




*sometimes beaten into second place by Diana Rigg, Jane Fonda, Janeane Garofalo, or Helena Bonham Carter depending upon my mood.
 
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CielDuMatin

New member
Just in case you DO come back (and I hope you do).

I am really sorry that all of this has happened in the way it has. It sounds like a load of heartache all-round.

Fact is there are lots of "players" out there - the poly world isn't immune to them any more than the mono world.

I definitely agree that working on your marriage is what has to be done. But I think that she needs to work out whether this is something that may happen again - if she really is polyamorous, then it undoubtedly will.

There are some definite things that are positive about your relationship - the biggest one is that you knew about this, and it wasn't a secret affair. This means that there is a foundation of trust and open communication, which is absolutely HUGE, whether a marriage is monogamous or polyamorous.

If she really does feel that she is polyamorous, then, once the emotions of this phase have calmed down a bit, it's really important for the future of the marriage to have a talk about what happens when the next person comes along. Try to work out what worked for you and what aspects you would like to have differently - whether it's communications, boundaries or whatever. Hopefully this will decrease the odds of extreme drama in your future.

I really wish you luck.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sorry to hear about all that, Casablanca.

Is this guy actually blaming you in some way (for his disappearance)? Is he saying he just had to have your wife all to himself? Either way, I agree with you, that was pretty rotten of him.

Don't beat yourself up over this, it seems clear to me that you've done everything reasonable to help and then some.

Even if you feel there's not much more to be accomplished by frequenting Polyamory.com, I just want you to know that (as far as I am concerned) you are always welcome here. As it is, I appreciate that you shared your story, as it will help others in the same boat know that they're not alone.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Casablanca

New member
Thanks for the kind thoughts. Looking back at the last thing I wrote there it does seem a little strong but I was (am still) more than a bit angry about his behaviour. How dare he dump my wife? The idiot! I'm sure he has his reasons, and I'm sure to him they seem very real, but it has left me in a very peculiar position. I can't badmouth him to my wife who is desperately hurting and still more than fond of him, and I really don't want to get into any kind of conversation with him about this - what am I going to say? "My wife not good enough for you?"

I feel more than a little frustrated that I can't think of anything to do or say that will make all this resentment (mine) and unhappiness (hers) just go away. It will. I know we will get to a happy place again. We'll just have to be careful with each other.

I'm also thinking ahead, trying to work out what to say when the most observant and smartest of my kids asks why mummy isn't friends with X any more. (With luck she won't. But she's very intuitive for a 8 year old.)

Life eh? Still, it's better than the alternative.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I guess it's possible this guy just isn't a good personality match for your wife, and he's now realized that. Might not be a matter of her "not being good enough." I hope not, anyway.

Re: your 8-year-old ... kids are often surprisingly perceptive; most poly people I've observed have had to say something to their kids sooner or later. Something to just mull over for the moment I guess.

Sorry you find yourself in this awkward situation. You are doing the right thing by refraining from "speaking your mind about this guy" to your wife. She's still hurting from the break-up, and will be for awhile. She'll need your ear to listen on, your shoulder to cry on, and perhaps some personal space, who knows. The time to say, "Eh, I didn't like that guy anyway," will come at a later time.

Think of it as an opportunity ... a chance to demonstrate to your wife that being with *you* is still a good and certain thing. Just be there for her, you never know what kind of support she'll need.

One of the "weird" things you're faced with in the polyamorous world is when your parter breaks up with *their* partner (who isn't you). The strangeness will wear off; just try and concentrate on empathizing with her, as best you can.
 

freyamarie

New member
going through something similar

I hear your anger and pain for your wife. My hubs recently had a split-up and the anger I felt was a real surprise to me.
How dare this person not be as appreciative of my wonderful Hubby!
I think this is a side of compersion that doesn't get talked about much...or maybe I just haven't stumbled across many stories about it yet.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. It is affirming to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this.
The good news is that she still has a strong relationship with you and the assurances she needs that she is an amazing person. Points awarded for your love and consideration of your wife.
 

Peek

New member
I had a really rough couple of days and cried a lot when I realised theory and practice were a little different from one another. What had seemed so simple and rational in fact released great and uncontrollable emotions in me. It was surprising.

My feelings for a few days were stronger than my optimism.

We talked some more and rewrote some ground rules. More double checking and clarity was required. I rearranged the furniture in my head and we seem to be okay for the moment.

The envy is purely and simply that I recognise, and have very nostalgic memories of, the depth of new love feeling. I'd dearly love to know them again. I'm happy that she's feeling them. I love it that she is so happy. I just regret that I am unlikely ever to feel them again. That's what I mean by envious.

This totally caught my emotions this morning. Theory and practice ARE two different things. Often times, the latter is more difficult. I feel for you. I guess I am there, considering I know that the object of my affections is also seeing someone(or two) other than myself. I am not so much jealous but envious of the time he spends with others.

I find that you get the strength not from your partner but from within your very self. That may sound like generic advice, but it rings true to me to this day. I hope this forum does help you as much as it is helping me. I'm still discovering things myself. All we can ever do really is to keep trying.

Looking forward to more of your posts. Update us!
 
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