Help! new to poly and negotiations went badly

T

twistedpair9

New member
Hi Im so distraught right now so please forgive me if my thread is insane or goes all over the place. Basically I have been dating my SO for 2 years today. He wants poly and I have agreed but have had a hard time accepting some of it. I laid out basic boundaries earlier in our relationship and he has violated most of the really important ones. There has been so much drama and I am left feeling like I cannot trust him at all. That's probably the bigger issue here. MY question is if my request is too unreasonable?

There is a young (20) female he has cheated on me with twice and I fear he might be very much in love with her only she does not return the feelings for him. Our last big break up where he violated our agreement. Had unsafe sex and lied to me. I was forced to move out. 2 weeks afterward he moved the 20 year old in with him. She lives there rent free and gets to drive his secondary vehicle that i once drove. He claims he has not had sex with her in a few months. But does want to continue having occasional sex with her.

He wants me to be his primary and her a secondary.

I am sooo jealous anytime he is not with me and is at home with her. When we tried to set out new boundries because we were getting back together i had a request that if he plans to continue to have sex with her she needs to live somewhere else. and if he isnt going to have sex with her but wants her to continue to live with him she needs to have her own room. every time i go to his place which used to be my home also I have a really hard time being there because i think of them having sex on the bed etc.

Until I feel that i can trust him again I need some peace of mind while hes away from me. The fact she lives there , makes it impossible i constantly worry that hes having sex with her. I go insane and feel like I relive each and every time he has violated my trust. We agreed that anytime one of us has a potential sexual partner that we made the other aware of it prior to having sex and that we would meet the other person first. and with her I just have to be in limbo whenever she decides to have sex with him again like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cannot live with that kind of anxiety anymore it is killing me.

Please let me know if i am being unreasonable. Thank you for any feedback you can give me.
 
Your request is NOT AT ALL unreasonable. He has violated your trust previously and seems to have no real regard for any kind of boundaries you wish to set. If everyone can't agree on terms/rules, then it should be completely off the table. Anything otherwise shows a severe lack of respect, and that's unacceptable.

You can't attempt something like a poly relationship without a foundation of trust, and you don't have that with him. If he disrespected that trust before, he can and will do it again.

Best of luck to you, and I hope things work out to where you can be happy. Ultimately, that's really what any of this is about.
 
You're not being unreasonable at all. Unsafe sex can KILL you.


Trust is important in ANY relationship, poly or otherwise.
 
thanks

Yes the unsafe sex part i think hurt the worst. The whole reason I decided to accept a poly life was because I have worked as a sex worker for the last several years. safe sex is a HUGE issue to me. I work very hard at being safe getting tested etc and for him to have unsafe sex and not tell me before engaging in unprotected sex with me was like throwing my efforts out the window. Thanks for all your feedback.
 
If someone wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to dump their partner outright, one way to do it would be by "betraying the trust" of the partner and putting the onus of leaving the relationship on the other partner.

That, and the fact that he moved the 20-year-old in TWO WEEKS afterward should tell you something.

And I don't believe for 0.02 seconds that she's living there and they haven't had sex in over 2 months, but that is neither here nor there.

If I were you, I'd move on with my life and find someone else who appreciates and deserves you.
 
YGirl said:
If someone wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to dump their partner outright, one way to do it would be by "betraying the trust" of the partner and putting the onus of leaving the relationship on the other partner.

That, and the fact that he moved the 20-year-old in TWO WEEKS afterward should tell you something.

And I don't believe for 0.02 seconds that she's living there and they haven't had sex in over 2 months.
Click to expand...

Well said. I don't buy it, either.
 
YGirl said:
If someone wants to break up but doesn't have the nerve to dump their partner outright, one way to do it would be by "betraying the trust" of the partner and putting the onus of leaving the relationship on the other partner.

.
Click to expand...

This is a total cop out and also totally true. My situation was different but essentially this is what I did in the past :(
 
I just wanted to add my voice to the others: you are being REASONABLE.

His behavior is filled with red flags. Either he is trying, subconsciously or otherwise, to drive you away...or he is utterly selfish and lacks respect for you.

I'm really sorry, and I think everyone on the forum would agree that it hurts when something like this makes you see a person in a certain way. But I also think it's necessary to see clearly. Think as quietly and dispassionately as you can about whether he is someone you want to have in your life at all.

Trust is HUGE. To me it's at the center of any functional relationship. If he can't be trusted then what's left? What ground can the relationship stand on?
 
I'm with YGirl.

I'm gonna say what I initially wanted to say:

Fuck this fool. You're better than what he's giving you.
 
thanks

wow thanks everyone. It sucks because I am in love with him but in my guts I know I really should do myself the favor and move on.
 
Cheating destroys trust and quite often this is not something that can ever be gained back from anyone. I hope this is not the case for you. There are good people out there that will treat you with the respect, compassion and the dignity you deserve. They are honest and open and able to communicate and be patient with you as you would be with them in return because they will encourage better things in you that make you feel grounded and loved...

Go and find them!

This guy is a done deal and is destroying not only your trust but your self worth and self respect. It's hard to recover from that and I would bet that when you do end it for good that you will need to spend a great deal of time in recovery, regaining the things you have lost.

Why not start now, before he takes more away from you!
 
I also agree with ygirl. His actions have indicated that he will continue to betray your trust. I also believe that he is lying to you about them not having sex. Come on, they share a bedroom and don't have sex? Puh-Lease!

And of course, the unsafe sex is pretty much unforgivable. You just don't do that to someone you love!
 
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Good luck.

Take your hurting heart some where else. Let it heal then get back out there and find someone worthy of you.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
And of course, the unsafe sex is pretty much unforgivable. You just don't do that to someone you love!
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Yep! My ex did with anyone he could find (one of the reasons he's my ex).


This guy is disrespectful and not worthy of you.
 
Again Thanks to everyone for all the support. Its funny how sometimes you know deep in the corners of your heart whats true and what needs to be done but how a bunch of complete strangers telling you exactly those same things makes it all ring true. Thanks for the validation. Ive spent the better part of the last year trying to get him to see the nature of his "evil ways" just trying to get him to see from my perspective. like hitting a brick wall over and over again. He really honestly believes he is in the right and thinks he has done right by me. He once read the description of what a narcissist is and announced that it sounded like him and he was smug like it was a good thing. lol. I really do want him to be happy. I will never be happy with him.

side note Anyone is the Phoenix AZ area who wants a torrid rebound relationship for about a month and a half? JK lol ;)
 
Wow! I think this guy has a serious lack of respect! For you and himself, including the other girl. If he has cheated with her,then I'm willing to bet that he has cheated with others. It is funny that when we have issues that some of us find someplace(like this) to vent and get advice.
So heres my advice, dump this guy and come find me!;) I live close by to you! just kidding girl. But remember you are not alone.
 
Here's one more vote for dumping this jackass and moving on. He's a liar, and will only continue to lie to you if you let him.
He doesn't want poly, he just wants his own way.
Be brave.
 
twistedpair9 said:
wow thanks everyone. It sucks because I am in love with him but in my guts I know I really should do myself the favor and move on.
Click to expand...

It is very possible to be in love with someone, while also being aware that the person is not right for you. Observing a person's behavior and making a rational and logical decision about being willing to pursue a serious relationship with them or not is a healthy process. You can walk away from someone you are madly in love with. It doesn't mean you don't love them. It just means you are taking care of yourself.
 
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