Help! Parents bad reaction, threatening to take child away

A

Amethystsparrow

New member
I swear, this is getting out of hand.
My mother called me today to warm me about a mass message sent from Snarky's parents about an 'intervention' and a threat to take my daughter away from me and place her with my step mother ( who was my psychological and emotional abuser throughout my young life) and father ( negligent and abusive emotionally as well) We live in the State of Nevada, does anyone know if we are safe or if we need to lawyer up and expect a fight on our hands? I'm freaking out and just can't handle it right now.
 
Get a lawyer right now. And be very careful about what you say to anyone, or what you post online. Nothing on the internet is truly private.
 
I agree with Opalescent, consult a lawyer. In most states, no, you're in no danger so long as the home you provide your children is a good home. If the state took away kids in every situation where someone wasn't "faithful" to their spouse, half the people in the US would have had their kids removed. In most places, it's not actually that easy to get someone's children removed from them. I suppose they could try the "immoral behavior" route, but that's going to be a tough sell, especially since no on is living with you yet. If you were in an ongoing custody battle with a co-parent, it would be different; but, if you have a stable and safe home, provide education, food, shelter, are committing no prosecutable crimes (illegal drugs, etc.), it's almost impossible for someone to get your kids removed, especially if both parents are present, not showing signs of dangerous mental illness, and engaged in the children's well-being. You can't get someone's children removed just because you don't like how they run their sex life (so long as the children aren't involved in it), etc.

Don't engage with the parents at all. No calls, emails, block them from your social media. Don't post on social media, etc. Remove any identifying information here or elsewhere that you may have posted, if there is anything. And see what the lawyer says. But, don't freak out--there's little chance this will amount to anything.
 
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I agree with GreenAcres.

Most judges don't want to take a child away from a healthy mother and set a bad precedent where outside people just "swoop in" and take kids just because they don't like something about the parents.

It is pretty weird to me that your in-laws want to "give" your kid to your stepmother and father and think they can just do that. Your stepmother and father might not even want legal custody of child. Why would they want your in-laws dictating THEIR life? Not to mention there's an actual process to asking to be awarded custody.

I think they are having a cow and trying to bully. I don't think you have anything to worry about legally. But seek a lawyer to advise you on the particulars of your situation in your state so you can be prepared.

And talk to Snarky about what role (if any) his parents will be allowed to have in your lives from this point forward.

Galagirl
 
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Also, it's worth noting that family does not get to "decide" where a removed child would go, and it's actually not that usual for a child that is removed from the home by protective services (this is the way kids get removed from a home legally if the parents are not giving them up, not by some rando relative deciding they want to take the child--that is called kidnapping, no matter how "well-intentioned) to be placed with relatives, especially initially. The relative in question has to petition for custody, and may or may not get it, depending on if they are deemed suitable (age plays a definite role in this, and I am guessing your parents are over the usual preferred age for placing young children). If, and it's a big if, the parents decide to call social services and say "we want child x removed and placed with us," the social worker will tell them that, which may change their tune in even trying to pursue anything regardless.

I am not a lawyer, of course, so definitely, definitely consult one, just for your own piece of mind.
 
and while you are consulting a lawyer, It may be a good idea for the lawyer to send a reminder to snarky's parents that threats have legal consequences to those who make them. Especially if they are documented.
 
Calmer but drained

Thank you to everyone who replied in our immediate need. Honestly I've been assured that my daughter will not be taken from me, however I am still going to proceed in visiting a poly friendly attorney to make doubly sure, and to know what my rights are so I can better arm myself and my family. The hardest part, aside from the angry and numb ' i don;t give fucks' mode I am in, is that Snarky is having a tough time. His parents were one of the most open minded people, and all the sudden they are making these threats and treating us poorly. For me and the broken family background I have had all my life, I am so very used to being stabbed in the back in such ways that I've a thick skin for it and ignore it with ease. However for him, it's very hard for him to cope with. I feel so awful for him and my Sunshine, she did nothing wrong and has been treated with such distain and disrespect that she's doing her best not to break down for the sake of Snarky. We're committed and no one is going anywhere ( especially our daughter!) and as far as I am concerned, they are became cut off and nothing to me the moment they made that threat.
 
Well wishes for you. I have fought a similar battle. It is why for now both my partners and I agree to keep our relationship(s) from kids and their parents. We don't like it and prefer to be open about it, but for now we feel it is what's best. In my situation, my spouse and I began divorce proceedings and a custody battle. He used the fact that I was poly and living with partuners against me at his parents urging. They attempted to take full custody of my son. The judge even in the extreme conservative deep south did not side with them. Instead they got a 50/50 split and and I maintained shared legal custody with my son living with me every other week. I'm not saying this to make you worry. Just explaining my experience so that you know them using poly against you doesn't always work in their favor.
 
I have a very judgemental family. I had one plot to take my children.

The children's services showed up. They looked at the cleaniness of ghe house, they wanted doctor contacts. They wanted to look at my food supply. The safe storage of medcines etc. I would think neveda the storage of guns. Educational and socialization plans.

I had contacts listed for education and doctors signed hippa letters. They talked to us and our child. They had one concern, co sleeping. There was a discussion it was appropriate. They did a follow-up visit and again found nothing and we were done. The problem is if there are repeated calls.
 
My sister had a hissy fit when she found out I was poly, and made several comments about my kids. Fortunately, my children were either grown up, or teenagers. They were able to shut her up just by telling her that she had no idea about their day to day lives, and that she was just jealous. I didn't worry about custody at any point, though I was nervous that someone might call CPS just because they wanted to cause trouble.

Things will eventually calm down. Your kids are in no danger, and CPS visits would be unfounded if they did show up.

My mother in law actually did stage an intervention during the holidays when we first came out, and it backfired in her face, since my husband stood up strongly for me, and his sisters were all very "meh" about discussing our sex life. What worked for us was to be a united front, and secure in our lifestyle - we knew that it was working for us, and that the love we shared was real.
 
Poly or not, the fact is that taking kids from parents is not something the courts can just decide willy nilly. There would have to be evidence that you are somehow endangering the kids. And that's a strict burden of proof that these accusers have to meet.

I watched an extremely ugly custody battle with a friend of mine going through her divorce. Her ex husband (who was/is Christian) tried to go down the "unwholesome environment" route because my friend is Wiccan. I don't know what religion the judge happened to be, but from what I heard, she unleashed on him like Judge Judy for "wasting the court's time & resources".

It's not a bad idea to talk to an attorney if it'll give you peace of mind, but as long as there is no danger to kids, you're going to be fine.
 
Thank you for your input, everyone thank you. I am sorry that everyone here at some point had to suffer from this same alarming problem in one fashion or another, but it is comforting that it worked out. Frankly the more I hear about the conversation/argument that was had on our 'coming out' to his mother, the more I am completely disgusted. She said, and I quote " So, you raising her to be a harem bitch, huh?" are you for real?! How dare she even talk about my baby in such a derogatory manner, she's a sweet 2 year old who just has another maternal figure in her life, an auntie so to speak! Completely, and utterly fed up with his mother.
 
I am worried about the CPS for the drama/bully factor too. however we are a well kept, loving and very about the welfare of my daughter before anything else. I'm sorry your MIL did that, and like your husband mine is planning on standing up for us, albeit painfully for him, but he is ensuring we will be alright. I just hope all goes well in this endeavor.
 
What was great from our end of things was that we have adopted 3 older children from the state foster care system in the past - prior to us becoming poly. So we had deep, in-depth studies of our family and how we relate as partners and as parents. No one could ever bring a court case and say that we are terrible to our children. And as a homeschooling parent, I go through yearly evaluations there as well.
 
That is wonderful! I'm so happy for your children :D For us my husband is a double major in Biology and Environmental science, and Sunshine is a Desert Biologist where as I am at home to cook, tend the house and take our daughter out to explore and play. I also do arts and crafts like painting wooden houses, coloring and drawing, crochet ( she runs off with my hooks every time lol) and overall add the creative part to her environment and play. We all have a hand in teaching her and she is thriving. At 2 she can already say her letters and identify which ones they are, count to ten and identifies up to 20, knows her colors and shapes and has a big vocab. I am sure if we did have a study done on us they would see these things, it is just the uncharted territory of this all that scares me, I like to be well informed and familiar so I can better counteract any issues ahead of time.
 
I totally understand! Actually my youngest (almost 19) reunited online with her birthfather recently. He was shocked (to put it mildly) to learn that she was living with a poly family. He messaged me saying he wanted to be sure that we had taught her that she didn't need to marry two husbands, and that this wasn't a normal way to live. I rolled my eyes at this, but I understood it. He, like your family members, only has knowledge of religious polygamy, and that knowledge has made them fearful. It's a very true cult. I would not want my child or any child at all, raised in that environment. It's a knee-jerk reaction to immediate think that a child is in danger when surrounded by that sort of lifestyle.

However, that is not our lifestyle, or our relationship structure. It can take people a while to calm down and actually look at the facts - but if they truly love and care about you, they will. Birthdad saw - just by reading through my facebook - that my daughter was not and will continue to not be harmed with being raised by a polyamorous & polygamist mother. He later apologized for being ignorant and close minded. I hope that your family will do the same.

That said, birthdad is a homophobic racist bigot. I soon blocked him out of my life. My daughter has as well. Her younger sibling was adopted by two moms, and she did not want to have posts in her facebook feed about how gay people are evil and gross. Sigh. It's the same sort of thing, I suppose. Not everybody has to agree with the choices you've made in life, and not everyone will. But you definitely have the right to keep making those choices without being harassed or called names, or being threatened with having your child removed from your home.
 
Bluebird said:
I totally understand! Actually my youngest (almost 19) reunited online with her birthfather recently. He was shocked (to put it mildly) to learn that she was living with a poly family. He messaged me saying he wanted to be sure that we had taught her that she didn't need to marry two husbands, and that this wasn't a normal way to live. I rolled my eyes at this, but I understood it. He, like your family members, only has knowledge of religious polygamy, and that knowledge has made them fearful. It's a very true cult. I would not want my child or any child at all, raised in that environment. It's a knee-jerk reaction to immediate think that a child is in danger when surrounded by that sort of lifestyle.

However, that is not our lifestyle, or our relationship structure. It can take people a while to calm down and actually look at the facts - but if they truly love and care about you, they will. Birthdad saw - just by reading through my facebook - that my daughter was not and will continue to not be harmed with being raised by a polyamorous & polygamist mother. He later apologized for being ignorant and close minded. I hope that your family will do the same.

That said, birthdad is a homophobic racist bigot. I soon blocked him out of my life. My daughter has as well. Her younger sibling was adopted by two moms, and she did not want to have posts in her facebook feed about how gay people are evil and gross. Sigh. It's the same sort of thing, I suppose. Not everybody has to agree with the choices you've made in life, and not everyone will. But you definitely have the right to keep making those choices without being harassed or called names, or being threatened with having your child removed from your home.
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Oh my, very proud of your daughter for being strong and being able to be such an open minded lovely young lady. I hope for my little one, and the future ones to come to also have that healthy mindset as they get older. We also agree that the severe stigma the LGBT community receives, carries over to us Poly's in some form of fashion. We do try to educate those we are opening to that there is a huge difference between Polyamorous and the polygamist faction, some understand the difference while a few are too ignorant and stubborn to believe us otherwise. Where as we understand the concern for how others would worry about her view point of marriage or relationships, but we are going to be clear with her and our other children of the future to express the differences and allow them to drive the path of their lives the way THEY see fit, and not to just blindly follow. ( I hope that made sense)
 
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