Help with writing a poly relationship series

happytriad

New member
Hello everyone. So I pitched a poly based relationship self help book to my editor. They loved the idea but want basically a rough draft before they will purchase.
I have a couple of questions:


#1 Is there anything special that I should make sure to include? Like a specific question or topic you wish you could find covered more in these types of book?

#2 Would anyone be interested in participating in interviews that might be featured in these books. It would be anonymous. I don't ever even need to know your name. Just a comment here stating if you are interested and I will send you a message to get your email address to send a link to a survey. I will never know specifically if you participated unless you tell me in the survey

#3 if this ends up being a series. What topics would you want to see covered in more detail?

Thank you so much in advance
 
I find there is a lack of good info about being the a single person involved with a someone who is married/live in/established partnered. Especially from the perspective of the single person. There's lots about couple privilege, issues with opening up etc. But not a lot about being a single wing on vee or "third" in a triad. There's some stuff as my Google fu magic discovered but it's often overlooked or minimized in favor of dealing with couple issues in my opinion.

Also I'm up for talking with you. If you d like.
 

happytriad

New member
I find there is a lack of good info about being the a single person involved with a someone who is married/live in/established partnered. Especially from the perspective of the single person. There's lots about couple privilege, issues with opening up etc. But not a lot about being a single wing on vee or "third" in a triad. There's some stuff as my Google fu magic discovered but it's often overlooked or minimized in favor of dealing with couple issues in my opinion.
That's a good point. Noting it.
 

KC43

New member
Please include stuff about being poly involved with monogamous partner(s). I see a lot of stuff about couples who are poly, with each partner having other partners. When I tell people I'm poly, they want to know how many partners Hubby and S2 have, and seem surprised, if not completely disbelieving, when I tell them that both guys are monogamous, or at least are currently running the relationship that way. One person actually told me my situation isn't "real" polyamory because I'm the only one who has more than one partner.

I think including guidance for monogamous people who are involved with poly people and poly folk who are involved with mono folk would be beneficial. I also think that in general, it might be good to have something in the book reminding people that there's no "one true poly."
 

happytriad

New member
Please include stuff about being poly involved with monogamous partner(s).

I think including guidance for monogamous people who are involved with poly people and poly folk who are involved with mono folk would be beneficial. I also think that in general, it might be good to have something in the book reminding people that there's no "one true poly."
I totally agree :)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Some kind of ethics chapter covering things like

  • What is healthy dating vs not healthy dating.
  • what is healthy conflict resolution
  • How to recognize abuse.
  • How to develop your bullshit radar.
  • How to set personal boundaries effectively.
  • How to recognize "poly being misused."

Like "relationship broken, add more people" -- poly misused as means to avoid dealing with it or to avoid breaking up and being "the bad guy"

Like "poly as whitewash" -- misused to explain away or exonerate cheating, lies of omission, etc. How to recognize all the kinds of lies and how they might sound in a poly context. (as part of BS radar).

Like "poly as weapon" much like "sex as a weapon" can happen.
  • If you really loved me you would... if you were really poly you would...
  • I'm not going to X until you poly...
  • You are doing poly, so that means I get to Y so there!
  • No, you agreed to poly so you can't stop now that I want to...

Like "poly as supply." I know a histrionic/narcissistic person who claims to be poly but really are not. She cannot even manage a healthy one-on-one relationship. She wants to use poly as a means to an end -- to gather a little pool of supply people so she is never without narcissistic supply. Some use it as supply in other ways -- wanting a sex toy babysitter for instance. Not an actual person to relate with.

Most of these things are basic relationship skills, but I think giving it a poly slant would be nice to see.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
[/LIST]

Like "poly as supply." I know a histrionic/narcissistic person who claims to be poly but really are not. She cannot even manage a healthy one-on-one relationship. She wants to use poly as a means to an end -- to gather a little pool of supply people so she is never without narcissistic supply...

Galagirl

Yes, this. I got involved with 2 narcissists in a row. The first one was my bf for 2 1/2 years. The second one only lasted 5 dates before I saw the signs and got out! Most narcissists in our society are serial monogamists, and cheat on one partner in the devaluation phase before breaking up with them and moving on to the next. So-called poly narcs have it easier. They can hide their narcissism by calling themselves "free spirited" polyamorists who can have all the sex partners and online flirt partners they want (one always on the way in to their good graces, one on the way out), under the umbrella of "loving" more than one. In reality, the only one they love is themselves. They are just using everyone for that "supply" GG talks about. The attention, the sex, the relief from the boredom of their empty souls.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi happytriad,

Re (from OP):
"Is there anything special that I should make sure to include? Like a specific question or topic you wish you could find covered more in these types of book?"

I'll tell you what I run into repeatedly here, what people most often ask.

  • How do I overcome jealousy?
  • How do I find poly-friendly people to date?
  • How and when do I tell someone I'm dating that I'm poly?
  • How can I explain poly to my mono partner?
  • How can I find a poly-friendly counselor?
  • Aren't there any poly success stories?
Re: a survey ... would be glad to do it, just wonder if you'd be willing to send me the link to the survey in a PM. (I'd prefer not to give out my email addy -- at all.)

Re:
"If this ends up being a series: What topics would you want to see covered in more detail?"

How to find poly-friendly people one can date is a topic that cries out for more coverage. Even the best existing poly books barely touch on it.

Overcoming jealousy is already covered by many books and websites, yet the appetite for more is insatiable. So yes, as much detail as possible on that topic.

The others of course mentioned some good topics too.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

happytriad

New member
Thank you all so much. Noting your suggestions.

and kdt I sent you a pm with the link.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
I did the surveys in your blog. Some of the questions really begged a more detailed answer than I was willing to type out at the current time. I have addressed a lot of them in my posting here - so, if you are interested in reading my blogs here (in my sig) feel free. You might be particularly interested in the Jackassery section of by Journey blog as it addresses what happened when rules/boundaries were broken.

I used the same name and email that I use here but if you PM me here you get a quicker response (generally) than by email.

If this book does happen - please let us know! People often come looking for good resources and we tend to recommend the same few books over and over. An updated poly book with a different perspective would be welcome. (I assume that you have read what is currently available so you know how different topics have already been addressed, and have read the reviews so you know what the audience feels is lacking.)

Also, if you need pre-readers/pre-editors to read and critique your material...we are a site that seems to attract experienced readers!

JaneQ
 
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happytriad

New member
@Jane - thanks. I know some were detailed, but I am trying to have a different perspective. I would like a collective of advice and stories, not just a definition type book.

And more definitely. If it does get picked up by my editor. I will let everyone know :) *fingers crossed*
 

Terrsha

New member
Hi,

I'd like to see something about relationships as a hierarchy - when one person wants and expects to be primary while their partner wants equality across the board. When one person wants and expects equality when their partner has a lot of other partners and prefers to be 'secondary'. How to achieve equality when the hinge lives with one partner and not the other.

Also, how to avoid separate relationships affecting each other. For instance, how to keep an argument with one partner from affecting your mood and causing an argument with another.

I'm happy to take part so PM me with the link if you like :)
 

happytriad

New member
Hi,

I'd like to see something about relationships as a hierarchy - when one person wants and expects to be primary while their partner wants equality across the board. When one person wants and expects equality when their partner has a lot of other partners and prefers to be 'secondary'. How to achieve equality when the hinge lives with one partner and not the other.

Also, how to avoid separate relationships affecting each other. For instance, how to keep an argument with one partner from affecting your mood and causing an argument with another.

I'm happy to take part so PM me with the link if you like :)

Both of these are very good points. And sending you a PM now.
 
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