Help?

DazednConfused

New member
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I've been with my wife for 6 years, married 4. We are both female. She left her husband of 6 years for me. Throughout our relationship we had said she could sleep with whomever she wanted, as I had a very promiscuios youth. I never believed she would act upon it.

Friday night we went out with a group of friends, and got very intoxicated. She was attrated to a male friend of mine from my childhood. I may have given my ok, Im not sure. I then interrupted them and stopped it. Yes, I behaved like an ass and have since apologized to both.

She has decided she is polyamourous, and has continued communicating with him, and intends to finish what she started.

I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequaceies, embarassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday. I have still somehow been able to go to work, and minimally function. I don't know how to come to terms with this, or if I can. Any advice is hugely appreciated!!!
 

AutumnalTone

New member
Welcome aboard.

I'm going to move this thread to the New To Poly board, as it's likely to spawn a discussion and is better suited there.

I'd say that the first thing to consider is that this is not the end of the relationship, necessarily, and that the pain will pass. Your situation will get better as you work through it. Accepting the pain as only temporary can help make it much easier to deal with and less of a strain on your body.
 

DazednConfused

New member
Thanks for the relocate and kind words. I'm just so lost. It's such a double egded sword, I want her happy, and I told her to persue it, but I'm not remotely close to happy about it. I don't know if I should, or even can stay and suck it up for her. On the same token, I know shes going through alot, and keep encouraging her to talk to someone besides me or him, but she has so far declined. We communicate extremely well, and she does it with great class in an effort to protect me. She answers my questions minimally, with respect to try not to further hurt me (plus shes getting sick of seeing me hurt) and if I need more info, I ask for it and she accomodates me. The three of us run in very similaiar social circles, and I keep going through all the potentially embarassing furture scenarios in my head.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Friday night we went out with a group of friends, and got very intoxicated. She was attrated to a male friend of mine from my childhood. I may have given my ok, Im not sure. I then interrupted them and stopped it. Yes, I behaved like an ass and have since apologized to both.

She has decided she is polyamourous, and has continued communicating with him, and intends to finish what she started.

Drunk sex isn't poly. Its...well drunk sex. Is she wanting to find someone else to love or be open to having other people to have sex with? (btw you can be both, but if its all about the shag with friends, thats more swinger style)

I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequaceies, embarassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday. I have still somehow been able to go to work, and minimally function. I don't know how to come to terms with this, or if I can. Any advice is hugely appreciated!!!

Honestly, you should never have offered an open relationship so freely if you couldn't handle it. It sounds like you offered it to be the nice girl, but in reality created a bridge you weren't prepared to cross. :)

As to your emotional upheaval. You may need to work through why you feel inadequate. Is it because she is seeking sex with someone else? Figure that out, and ask her. Communicate the concerns. Hopefully she can re-assure you.

Embarrassment is like regret. You are embarrassed because of how you acted I think? Well you can't live regretting the past, might as well accept the fact that they accepted the apology and move on into the future :) Its really all you can do :)

Coming to terms with it all, find a way that is comfortable for you to vent and process what is happening. Personally, I like to write. I keep a journal that I use when needed. My wife has full access to it, so when I am completely off of my rocker and having challenges communicating completely, she can read my thoughts. It helps us in times of severe upheaval :)

I would also recommend reading a couple of books (inclusive to reading this site)
Opening Up
Ethical Slut

and this website on poly
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

All of which should help you process your feelings and slowly move the relationship into a healthy open relationship :)

Ari
 

Ariakas

Bosun
d I keep going through all the potentially embarassing furture scenarios in my head.

Ahhh that embarrassment. Well you could request they do their thing discretely until there is a time when you have processed what happened. Once you are strong and confident in the relationship structure and setup it can migrate more publicly. :)

There is a term used in poly. NRE (new relationship energy)

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2997

This thread covers the pros and cons of the ride called NRE. You might want to understand where she is coming from, she might want to understand it to. Its intoxicating and potentially dangerous, something to be aware of :)...As bad as I just made it sound, it has positives too...
 

DazednConfused

New member
Thanks again for your help..sorry I'm too newb to quote correctly.

"Drunk sex isn't poly. Its...well drunk sex. Is she wanting to find someone else to love or be open to having other people to have sex with? (btw you can be both, but if its all about the shag with friends, thats more swinger style)"

While it started as drunk sex, they have been communicating daily, had lunch, had a cocktail...

"Honestly, you should never have offered an open relationship so freely if you couldn't handle it. It sounds like you offered it to be the nice girl, but in reality created a bridge you weren't prepared to cross. "

Very well said, you're absolutely correct, I just feel like I want to fast forward through it all.

I'm more embarassed of what our friends will think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who cant satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man?


Thanks for the book suggestions, I need all the help I can get right now.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Quoting is done 2 ways. You can click quote on the message you want to quote in the bottom right hand side of the message itself.

Or you can surround what you want to quote in

[ quote ] I want to quote this [ /quote ]

Removing the spaces so it looks like this

I want to quote this

Hope that helps :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
While it started as drunk sex, they have been communicating daily, had lunch, had a cocktail...

Ok, makes sense :)

Very well said, you're absolutely correct, I just feel like I want to fast forward through it all.

I'm more embarassed of what our friends will think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who cant satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man?

I can't help here to be honest. I know there are others here who will be able to relate and relay their stories. Any story I relay would be from my point of view and I doubt that would help. I have been in a similar situation but as the guy in the equation.

I can pose this though, what do you think of men whose wives decide they want to be with women. Are those men not satisfying their women or are those women craving something their men are absolutely incapable of giving.

Men and women love differently. Period. It isn't better or worse. Just different :) I unfortunately cannot fulfill my wifes need for women. I am way...way too male for that haha

Thanks for the book suggestions, I need all the help I can get right now.

No prob :)

Ari
 

DazednConfused

New member
Ok, makes sense :)


I can pose this though, what do you think of men whose wives decide they want to be with women. Are those men not satisfying their women or are those women craving something their men are absolutely incapable of giving.


Ari

Depends, I get the leave a spose if the gender preference isn't right, but taking on additional partners, I just don't know.

It's like my whole world just got ripped apart, I only want her happy, but I don't know if I'm the one to be able to do this with her. I don't want to push away from her, and really haven't that much, but part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain i can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her, problem being I can't shut off how much I do love her.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Depends, I get the leave a spose if the gender preference isn't right, but taking on additional partners, I just don't know.

By the way you worded that you seem to be dismissing bi-sexuality? Gender isn't "right" is very limiting :)...

It's like my whole world just got ripped apart, I only want her happy, but I don't know if I'm the one to be able to do this with her. I don't want to push away from her, and really haven't that much, but part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain i can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her, problem being I can't shut off how much I do love her.

Honestly, I would think the best thing to do would be for her to slow down with the guy until you are settled. Poly isn't built on a shaky foundation. Once you are ready and understand what its like to open up, then she can begin looking at other relationships.

Thats my take anyways. :)...

If only it were that easy to turn off love. Like a valve of love. Well keep reading and posting on here. Its mid day so most people are at work, I am sure more people will come online.
 

jkelly

New member
I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequaceies, embarassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday.

That's a really strong reaction! Your wife has made friends with someone she's attracted to, and when things started to go past friendship, she stopped when you told her you weren't okay. So... what's going on here? Is this about worrying that you're in danger of losing your wife? What's underneath the emotional storm?

Depends, I get the leave a spose if the gender preference isn't right, but taking on additional partners, I just don't know.

Ariakis already pointed this out, but this strikes me as a strange thing to say. Does your wife identify as bi-? Maybe it would help you to have a fuller understanding of how people experience bisexuality, regardless of whether she does or not.

As a follow-up question, would having your wife be attracted to another woman be a very different experience for you?

part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain i can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her, problem being I can't shut off how much I do love her.

I don't think I understand what you mean here, but pulling away from her is probably going to do more damage to your relationship than working through your feelings about this. A lot of people find the articles on jealousy at the xeromag site linked to above to be very helpful.
 

sage

New member
Hi

You've been given lots of help, I'm mono so maybe I can give some additional perspective.

Firstly I know what it's like to be fine about open relationships until you find yourself in one with someone that you love to bits. I was fine with my husband having other lovers, but with my new partner it was a completely different story. My ability to handle it was obviously very dependent on the relationship and you just don't know until it happens. I also associated the desire for other relationships with the primary one being not the best. So it was a real shock to discover that even in our beautiful, sparkly new relationship, Z still loved his SO. I was even fine about it philosophically but emotions don't seem to take that much notice of philosophy.

Secondly I know what it's like to want to pull away and stop the pain. I threatened this a lot but as someone said, love is a really hard thing to pull away from, and I never managed it for long. I analyzed this behavior and what was actually behind it was that I wanted Z to really feel the loss of me and happily give up his polyamorous ways.

Dealing with this is a process, the length and success of which is different for everyone. From your reaction it sounds like you're purging some pretty heavy emotional stuff. Not all of this will be about what your partner, it's just been triggered by your partner. It certainly wont all be put right in a few days or even weeks. It might be really hard to see it now but looking back on my process I can honestly say it has been one of the most significant opportunities for personal growth I've ever had.

Nurture yourself and accept all the love that is on offer.
 

DazednConfused

New member
Thank you all for your help, and providing me with such invaluable resources, they have really helped me get a better grasp on this. I think where Im at is I could handle the extra-marital intercourse, but not the intamacy of this budding relationship she is building. I know it's my own damn fault for being so narrow-minded as I can't deal, I'm just at my wits end. I want nothing but complete and total happiness for her, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to provide it to her like this.
 

DazednConfused

New member
Now I findmyself searching for a way to redefine "us", Im trying to be the girlfriend who doesnt give a shit, but its so hard. I am ttrying to support her and celebrate her happiness, but i just feel awful
 

sage

New member
I found that trying to be anything other than what I really am is a waste of time and just makes everything worse.

There's no other way than to be honest and be vulnerable and let her love you and help you through. In a polyamorous relationship you get to be loved as well you know, especially when you need it most. Does your partner understand that? Try and work out what is at the core of your upset, bring it up and work through it with your partner.
 

DazednConfused

New member
Thanks Sage. Weve been talking alot, I think communicating well. I just feel like calling her my wife is a lie. I love her madly, but dont know if Ill ever be able to share the intamacy. Its not that shes having sex, I could care less about if she wants a little on the side. Its the not being mono out heart Im strugggling with. Im trying to build to acceptance, which feels like an impossible task. Im really trying to be as loving as I can,
 

sage

New member
Oh yes the big philosophical questions, I struggle with those at times too. Like I will never be able to call him my own, there will never just be us two, I will never be all that he needs. I feel lonely when I think that I do not have a partner who I can probably ever quite satisfy, or that I am not someone's one and only, forsaking all others etc,

At times I am impacted emotionally by it. I'm doing some writing around it and on Saturday night I wrote "I will never wear his ring because I will never complete his circle". Well that completely set me off into misery land. It still brings tears when I write it here. But I try to see it as cultural conditioning and remind myself that even with all that stuff I will never have, I still have more than anyone I know.

I can accept his feelings but I don't pretend to understand them. He holds me and tells me how incredibly he loves me and yet in my head I'm still thinking "but how can you when..."

It's a process and it will take time, it's not something I can come to terms with in a few months or even years probably. I also accept that now.
 

redpepper

New member
I am reminded of when I first got into poly when reading your post. I had been married to a woman for about five years at that time and met my now husband when we decided to be non-monogamous. She tried her darnedest to now care, to join in, to hide it from our lesbian community. I tried to deny I loved him, tried to frame it in terms of fun and sex, told none of my lesbian friends... In the end we all just had to be what we were and go on the path that was before us.

When we decided to just leave it alone and slowly allow it to become what it was to become, it turned out that we broke up because she wanted to travel and I wanted kids. She now has traveled extensively and is still not settled.. still moving around. She is still a love of mine and very much a apart of my life, it just was meant to be like that. We would of gotten there, but we could of saved ourselves pain and hardship if we had started by just being ourselves and expressing whatever came up for us. Stopped denying what was happening for us.

I really do believe that such matters need to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. That would be you. I think that she needs to slow things down to a mere trickle in order to maintain some kind of balance for your sake. You are needing time to figure out what your needs are and where you fit. How your community will react. How to create a team approach to this in the face of your community, because I can tell you, it's no picnic when just as you need support, lesbian friends drop like flies in disgust and through lack of empathy and understanding or accepting.

No doubt she is experiencing some gleeful girlish emotions (NRE) in this that she will need to keep in check if she is going to be able to consider your needs. That will be hard, but in the long run it will create a good foundation and encourage you to believe that she loves you still and isn't going anywhere.

Sure this stuff hurts, but it doesn't have to crush you. You can come out of it emotionally damaged and unhealthy if you allow progression that is making you feel you should sleep in the spare room and cut yourself off from caring. That is never good and you won't learn how to function that way, just how to deny yourself your needs.

keep at it. It will be a long haul, but it doesn't last forever. One way or another you will get to the bottom of what is going on for all of you and it will all work out as it should.
 

DazednConfused

New member
Thank you!! All the feedback has been of great assitance. Words can't express how much help talking with you all has been. She went to him last night, I moved to the spare room. This morning I was able to look her in the eye, tell her I hope she had a fantastic night, and actually mean it. He's now starting to contact me out of guilt (hes married), Im doing my best to be kind and non-bitter, and it really seems to be shoring up my emotions. Thing is, I know this guy, we grew up together, he's not a noble man. I guess where I am is this sure would have been easier if it were just sex, and/or she actually picked a good guy.

We're not hugely active in the LGBT community, but Im not talking to anyone accept 2 friends that were there about it. This is mostly to allow her to do it at her own pace, my own embarassment, and for the sake of his marriage/wife/kids.

Today is starting to be a better day. Maybe...time..I don't know...
 
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