Hello, I'm new here.
Honestly, I found this forum out of desperation. I'm hoping to connect with people who will help me regain my sanity.
Here is my story. I started dating a man ten, almost eleven, years ago. We talked about poly and both of us were open to it. On occasion we did swing. He, for whatever reason said he wanted us to be exclusive. Turned out he wasn't, I was. When I realized it and he wouldn't come clean we broke up (after too much arguing and lies) 2 1/2 years in.
2 1/2 years later and after what I believed was a lot of growth, we reconnected.
I held no illusions about his faithfulness, held an open space for poly possibilities and waited.
Two months ago (after being together this time for 5 1/2 years) he finally decided to offer transparency. Long, long story shortened a little, for mostly the whole time we have been together, he has been seeing a married woman. She is in a relationship where it is ok for either of them to see other women, but not for her to see other men, not that that has stopped her, obviously. She has maintained that she has been prepping her husband for the last five years that she will be in an open marriage before she is 40 (March 2017). Before even meeting her, I expressed concerns about that whole scenario.
Right before I met her for the first time, he shared with her what I consider to be a very intimate moment between us, one he promised would be just something we shared.
When I found out unintentionally, not because he was being transparent, I freaked more than a little. I felt deeply betrayed. He said, it was because he loved me so much, he wanted to share me with her and for her to see how wonderful I was. That motivation is beyond my comprehension.
She also started seeing another man about a month before I knew of her. For some reason, my partner felt as though he deserved her loyalty and transparency from her and he went off the deep end with jealousy when he realized he was betrayed (not the first time by her, either).
I know, could it be more complicated? Turns out, it can. So several weeks ago I had a moment of awakening. Up until this point she and I had been getting along famously. It suddenly dawned on me that it was with her that he betrayed me for all these years.
I have not felt the same about her since. I feel betrayed by both of them on a lot of levels. Personally, I find her ethics and moral standards to be deplorable. And his weren't all that upstanding up until he decided to be authentic. Add to that the other sharing he did with her and I feel betrayed and conspired against by both of them.
He feels a need, compulsion to protect her. She admittedly asked him if her marriage fell apart because of him, would he take care of her. While I feel completely vulnerable and betrayed.
He has managed to overcome his jealousy of the other man and of her having to leave him to go home to her husband. Saying it was just a choice he made. As a result, I am shamed for not being able to overcome my jealousy.
I fully realize the insanity of all that I have presented. She is not living a poly life, she is a cheater, no matter how she justifies it.
My boyfriend never wants her husband to ever know about their relationship. Though I ascertain he would have to be an idiot not to. He knows where she is spending her time whether she is with him/us or the other man. She doesn't come home until the wee hours. They have actually attended events together when her husband couldn't make it. He is friends with him and their family!
Personally, I don't really even consider that what my boyfriend and I have is truly poly. I am now just complicit in their web of deceit. And I have expressed that I do not like it one bit.
She thinks she should be an equal partner within our tribe of three. I think she has no place there. One of my sticking points is he keeps telling her that she has a choice about joining us. I have never, never been given that choice about her joining us, I felt it was just expected of me to accept her.
Over the last three weeks the intensity of my jealousy and resentment has grown exponentially. I am miserable and I am making them miserable. Though, to be honest, I delight in that with her, until I check in with my conscience.
I know if I were reading this I would tell them to get out, get out, get out! I fully realize the number and levels of dysfunction this relationship provides. For whatever reasons I'm not there in my mind. I am willing to go toe to toe with my boyfriend to help make us a healthy poly couple.
But for now, the place I have to move through to even get to the other issues we need to address, is the crazy jealousy.
What I told him this morning was that I need space from her. I really want her gone. I won't give him that ultimatum. I am not willing to risk the resentment that could cause.
I asked him to stop pushing so hard for me to accept her and allow me the space for it to happen or not. I told him last night it felt like it was a declaration of "You WILL eat your spinach, and you will like it!" Maybe I would have liked spinach all on my own, if I was given the choice instead of the expectation.
I need two things. One, I do need some validation that I am not completely unjustified with my feelings. I know I have argued too much for how I feel. I do have a need to feel heard. Once I'm heard, I want to be able to move on. Two, I need to know how to move the emotions through this and not stuff them and cause them to eventually resurface. And eventually, I really am hoping this forum will be a valuable source of enlightenment.
Thank you for allowing me my introduction.
Honestly, I found this forum out of desperation. I'm hoping to connect with people who will help me regain my sanity.
Here is my story. I started dating a man ten, almost eleven, years ago. We talked about poly and both of us were open to it. On occasion we did swing. He, for whatever reason said he wanted us to be exclusive. Turned out he wasn't, I was. When I realized it and he wouldn't come clean we broke up (after too much arguing and lies) 2 1/2 years in.
2 1/2 years later and after what I believed was a lot of growth, we reconnected.
I held no illusions about his faithfulness, held an open space for poly possibilities and waited.
Two months ago (after being together this time for 5 1/2 years) he finally decided to offer transparency. Long, long story shortened a little, for mostly the whole time we have been together, he has been seeing a married woman. She is in a relationship where it is ok for either of them to see other women, but not for her to see other men, not that that has stopped her, obviously. She has maintained that she has been prepping her husband for the last five years that she will be in an open marriage before she is 40 (March 2017). Before even meeting her, I expressed concerns about that whole scenario.
Right before I met her for the first time, he shared with her what I consider to be a very intimate moment between us, one he promised would be just something we shared.
When I found out unintentionally, not because he was being transparent, I freaked more than a little. I felt deeply betrayed. He said, it was because he loved me so much, he wanted to share me with her and for her to see how wonderful I was. That motivation is beyond my comprehension.
She also started seeing another man about a month before I knew of her. For some reason, my partner felt as though he deserved her loyalty and transparency from her and he went off the deep end with jealousy when he realized he was betrayed (not the first time by her, either).
I know, could it be more complicated? Turns out, it can. So several weeks ago I had a moment of awakening. Up until this point she and I had been getting along famously. It suddenly dawned on me that it was with her that he betrayed me for all these years.
I have not felt the same about her since. I feel betrayed by both of them on a lot of levels. Personally, I find her ethics and moral standards to be deplorable. And his weren't all that upstanding up until he decided to be authentic. Add to that the other sharing he did with her and I feel betrayed and conspired against by both of them.
He feels a need, compulsion to protect her. She admittedly asked him if her marriage fell apart because of him, would he take care of her. While I feel completely vulnerable and betrayed.
He has managed to overcome his jealousy of the other man and of her having to leave him to go home to her husband. Saying it was just a choice he made. As a result, I am shamed for not being able to overcome my jealousy.
I fully realize the insanity of all that I have presented. She is not living a poly life, she is a cheater, no matter how she justifies it.
My boyfriend never wants her husband to ever know about their relationship. Though I ascertain he would have to be an idiot not to. He knows where she is spending her time whether she is with him/us or the other man. She doesn't come home until the wee hours. They have actually attended events together when her husband couldn't make it. He is friends with him and their family!
Personally, I don't really even consider that what my boyfriend and I have is truly poly. I am now just complicit in their web of deceit. And I have expressed that I do not like it one bit.
She thinks she should be an equal partner within our tribe of three. I think she has no place there. One of my sticking points is he keeps telling her that she has a choice about joining us. I have never, never been given that choice about her joining us, I felt it was just expected of me to accept her.
Over the last three weeks the intensity of my jealousy and resentment has grown exponentially. I am miserable and I am making them miserable. Though, to be honest, I delight in that with her, until I check in with my conscience.
I know if I were reading this I would tell them to get out, get out, get out! I fully realize the number and levels of dysfunction this relationship provides. For whatever reasons I'm not there in my mind. I am willing to go toe to toe with my boyfriend to help make us a healthy poly couple.
But for now, the place I have to move through to even get to the other issues we need to address, is the crazy jealousy.
What I told him this morning was that I need space from her. I really want her gone. I won't give him that ultimatum. I am not willing to risk the resentment that could cause.
I asked him to stop pushing so hard for me to accept her and allow me the space for it to happen or not. I told him last night it felt like it was a declaration of "You WILL eat your spinach, and you will like it!" Maybe I would have liked spinach all on my own, if I was given the choice instead of the expectation.
I need two things. One, I do need some validation that I am not completely unjustified with my feelings. I know I have argued too much for how I feel. I do have a need to feel heard. Once I'm heard, I want to be able to move on. Two, I need to know how to move the emotions through this and not stuff them and cause them to eventually resurface. And eventually, I really am hoping this forum will be a valuable source of enlightenment.
Thank you for allowing me my introduction.
