He's just not that into me, but since when?


New member
Hey all. Before I get to my question, have some context. I have an awesome primary who is finishing college in another city, we are best friends, and we're both trying (without much luck, so far) to date other people while we're apart.

A couple weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy I met online. He messaged me first, and he was the one who suggested we meet in person. We really hit it off on our first date, and we ended up going back to his place. He said he wasn't ready for sex, but we did kiss and cuddle, and (on my end, at least) it felt like there was chemistry. The next morning he made me breakfast, I drove him to work, and he gave me a goodbye kiss. He texted me later the next day and said he had a great time and was looking forward to seeing me again.

We've hung out since then, and everything was totally different. He seemed glad to see me, but he didn't act like he was attracted to me at all. No touching, no flirting, no nothing. I'm fine with just being his friend, but I'm pretty confused about what changed between our first date and the next time I saw him. I probably should ask him about it, but I'm worried it would make him uncomfortable. To be fair, it would be uncomfortable for me, too. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any insight?
I recently had a similar experience. This guy was all over me on our first meeting, but we'd both had lots and lots to drink. Next time we met, we didn't drink nearly as much and he was dramatically less demonstrative. I still had the sense he was interested (and he is!), but just seemed more shy when he was closer to being sober than he was when we met. He then told me he's not into being too public. After the first time we were together, well, wow! Could've fooled me!

Did your first date with this guy involve alcohol and/or other types of substances? Was most of the affectionate stuff done in private? On the second date, were you mostly out in public? Some guys just don't like PDAs.
It's impossible to tell what this guy is thinking because I don't know him. However, I could tell you what might be the case if this were a story about me.

I will often meet someone under similar circumstances to that which you describe, and when I meet her the first time, I have myself psyched up and am just in the mood to try. After the initial date, which was really good because I put in effort, I kind of realize it's a pain in the ass to put in that much effort all the time. I have other things to do and I can't dedicate that much of my concentration to dating someone. If the person invites me out, I'll usually go because I really do like her, but I'm just no longer in the mood to put in the effort. It would take her putting in the effort to bring me back into it, and then I'll be back in that mood again. If she isn't willing to put in that effort, the whole thing usually just fizzles and dies quietly even though I like her.

This may or may not have anything to do with your current situation.
Did your first date with this guy involve alcohol and/or other types of substances? Was most of the affectionate stuff done in private? On the second date, were you mostly out in public? Some guys just don't like PDAs.

Actually, yeah, we were drinking a little on our first date, and we were both sober the next time I saw him. I wouldn't really call it a second date; he just invited me over to hang out. We were alone in his house and it felt totally platonic. Alcohol would explain why he was feeling bolder the first time we met.

We're hanging out again tomorrow night, like last time, for TV and snacks at his place. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter what happens (or doesn't), but it's a little discouraging that I've tried a couple of times to ask him out on a real second date, and he never goes for it. He mentioned when we met that he has a little social anxiety, so maybe that's the reason?
It could very well be the reason; no need (at this early juncture) to doubt him at his word.

Re (from OP):
"I probably should ask him about it, but I'm worried it would make him uncomfortable."

I wonder if there are any reasonably comfortable ways to word such a question. Say for example, "I really enjoyed our first date and how we were flirting and stuff then. Things seem to be more platonic between us now; was there anything I did to cause that?"

[shrug] I might be able to come up with other ways to word it as well; that's just one off the top of my head.

Or enjoy the friendship and just see if clues come up here and there that give you a better idea. That method'll take some patience though, obviously.
I think I would just be really blunt, in a friendly way. "I like hanging out with you and find you very attractive. Are you interested in a romantic or sexual relationship with me, or do you feel more platonic?"

Or even if you are sitting and watching a show together and he isn't being flirty or affectionate, you can just put yourself on the line and say "can I kiss you?" Just to see if you still feel the chemistry, and if its mutual. Somebody has to make the first move, and sometimes people can be shy and he might also be thinking that maybe you are feeling ambivalent also.

Being SUPER upfront is now like my favorite thing! Well I try to be anyhow. It blew me away on my first date with my current boyfriend when as we were parting ways he says "I would like to see you again, and I find you very attractive. Can I kiss you?" And to me it was like WHOA MAN IT CAN BE THIS EASY?! I don't have to dance around it for a few dates trying to figure out if they like me? Do we kiss now? If I just stare at him long enough will he try to hold my hand? Lol.

Just use your words! Even if it is uncomfortable for a minute, its better than hours of awkward attempts to guess how he feels about you.
Good points Oreadne.
Hi Sannafrid,

It's frustrating and confusing when this happens!! For sure, alcohol can be a factor in first date flirtation, as others have noted. I also find that first dates have a nervous-excited energy about them, while any one of the next few dates can tend to lose that buzz somewhat. This can be due to one of a million different reasons: they had a bad day, they just had a great date with someone else, they aren't drunk now, they feel shy, you're talking too much, you're revealing too much too soon, they are hooked on first dates but not interested in really dating, etc.

Having been 'somewhat' involved with an infuriating woman for 6 months now (!) who blew VERY hot at first and then seemed to cool way off, I'd definitely take Oreadne's advice and be very upfront while it's still early days. God, it's so not worth the back-and-forth drama to keep guessing and guessing.

I also notice that you say you've been struggling to find good candidates to date. I go through the same thing, so I understand what can happen. When we operate on a scarcity model, we tend to believe that if we don't "grab someone soon", we'll be left all alone (or in our case, with just the one partner). This can cause us to really over-invest in a person and to be quite crushed and confused when it doesn't seem to be panning out. This is how it goes for me, at least.

During the 6 months I've spent agonising over my own infuriating dating partner (don't spend as long as I have! Dear God, Sparklepop!!), I've stumbled across many useful articles... in between checking my starsign and her starsign for compatibility cues... (ha).

One of the websites I found is called baggagereclaim.com. It's quite a wonderful site that gives down-to-earth opinions about emotional unavailability and whatnot. I have found it extremely useful, since I tend to be a completely mopey, brooding sod when faced with confusing types.

So... see if the website resonates with you! And don't be scared to simply ask him whether or not he's into you. It's good to set a precedent for clear, open communication from the start - don't make my mistake!