Hey all! New triad brewing...

mushaboom

mushaboom

New member
I've been reading the forums a bit the last few days and I decided I like it here and I want to stay. :)

Let's see... I'm 28 and I just got married this August. My partner and I are both pretty open minded and have had alternative relationship experiences in the past (before we met). He and I have been talking about opening our relationship hypothetically on and off for about 2 years...but never actively pursued anything. Then a dynamic developed pretty organically after I told my SO that I had a crush on a good friend of mine. They also had a lot of chemistry and three of us spent more and more time together - but once we finally breached the subject she bolted. There were a lot of issues there but thats a story for another time. :( That experience taught us a lot about our relationship and helped to reveal some of our boundaries and that we definitely want to pursue some kind of triad in the future but right now with a primary/secondary kind of bent.

Fast forward to now and we are just on the brink of entering a new friendship with a girl that my SO introduced me to. This time things are going much better. The communication between the three of us is staggeringly easy and everything is already 'out there'. I'm kind of amazed. I guess we learned some about doing things the 'wrong way' the first time around and luckily without much damage. But, I know that I am still a noob and I am here to learn more from those who have tread before me and I can use all the help I can get. :)

Other things about me: I am openly bisexual (although I prefer queer), an artist, a professional webmaster, and I have two adorable pet bunnies. Just another lovely nerdy weirdo! I can't wait to meet everyone.

Cheers.
 
Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you're being realistic in your expectations of triad-ism. That is quite refreshing to see. I hope all goes well for you.
 
Hi :)

Hi, I'm also new to triads. It's such a good feeling when you are comfortable being open and honest with everyone involved, isn't it? :)
 
polychronopolous said:
Nerdy weirdo... and possible Feist fan? ;)

Welcome! My wife and I relocated to Texas from Alameda Ca. almost three years ago. We miss it there MADLY. :)
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Hey, polychron. Thanks! Yes, definitely a Fiest fan as well. :) And yes, it is a great area to live in, but SO expensive. We live in the East Bay too! How are you liking TX?
 
Iktomi said:
Hi, I'm also new to triads. It's such a good feeling when you are comfortable being open and honest with everyone involved, isn't it? :)
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It's amazing! So hard to describe, but I guess I don't have to here. :) I don't think I have ever felt more free and open before. I love it. It just feels so right ya know?
 
mushaboom said:
Hey, polychron. Thanks! Yes, definitely a Fiest fan as well. :) And yes, it is a great area to live in, but SO expensive. We live in the East Bay too! How are you liking TX?
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It was the cost of living and taxes that drove us out here to Texas. Financially it has been great moving out here, but the lifestyle here just isn't the same. We just try to remain thankful for the life we have built.. and travel a lot. LOL! X)
 
TRIADS ROCK!!! Ok, I'm partial, but seriously a triad is flippin awesome!! :D i wish you all kinds of luck and keep doing what you're doing. Communication is key and finding the way that works best for you and your SO is so important. Just because my triad works, doesn't mean it's going to work for YOU. Ya know?
 
Danny40179 said:
TRIADS ROCK!!! Ok, I'm partial, but seriously a triad is flippin awesome!! :D i wish you all kinds of luck and keep doing what you're doing. Communication is key and finding the way that works best for you and your SO is so important. Just because my triad works, doesn't mean it's going to work for YOU. Ya know?
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Aww. Thank you for your message Danny. I've been feeling a little like triads are the "red-headed step-children" of polyamory lately lol. It is really nice to hear from someone who is super positive and encouraging. :)

We are taking it really slow which is helpful for me...its making it easier to address little internal issues as they come up and what not. But, overall it is so exciting and heart-warming when I am not freaking myself out! Silly societal conditioning... ;)
 
I don't think triads are the "red-headed children" of relationships, but I do think that people sometimes get fixated on triads as the "preferred configuration", especially couples who are opening their relationship for the first time. Instead of taking people as they come, they act as if there is an "ideal third" floating around out there somewhere who will "complete their relationship" and the search is on to "find that person".
 
Neon - I totally understand where you are coming from and in a lot of ways I think triads can be much more complicated to navigate than individual polyamorous relationships. So to that end, I don't subscribe to the idea that triads are a "preferred configuration" for couples new to opening their relationships. It may seem simpler/easier, but it is SO not. :)

The reasons I think we are most hypothetically interested in pursuing a triad (or maybe even a quad) was our original experience that sort of fell into our laps and how enriching that was even though it never moved into a poly-relationship realm AND the fact that my partner and I are just very close and we are most often together. Some may see that as problematic but it is just natural for us since we are best friends.

That being said we would never force a connection where there was not one and we are very open to being surprised by our future path. :)
 
mushaboom said:
Neon - I totally understand where you are coming from and in a lot of ways I think triads can be much more complicated to navigate than individual polyamorous relationships. So to that end, I don't subscribe to the idea that triads are a "preferred configuration" for couples new to opening their relationships. It may seem simpler/easier, but it is SO not. :)
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According to your original post in this thread, I did not think you were one of those idealistic cases.
 
Awh, I hope you don't think I'm being defensive. I'm just thinking out loud. :)
 
NeonKaos said:
I don't think triads are the "red-headed children" of relationships, but I do think that people sometimes get fixated on triads as the "preferred configuration", especially couples who are opening their relationship for the first time. Instead of taking people as they come, they act as if there is an "ideal third" floating around out there somewhere who will "complete their relationship" and the search is on to "find that person".
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"...they act is if there is an ideal third floating around out there somewhere who will complete their relationship..." Is this a bad thing?

My wife and I found that very person. Someone that helps to complete our relationship. Someone that fits into our life seamlessly. Known her for 6 years and she's lived with us for 3.

I've never been in a V so I can't say whether it or a triad is more complicated, but I sure do know that a triad is A LOT of work. All poly relationships require a lot of dedication to making them successful.
 
Danny40179 said:
"...they act is if there is an ideal third floating around out there somewhere who will complete their relationship..." Is this a bad thing?
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I think it is a "bad thing" when people get treated as though they are auditioning for a "role" in someone else's life.

It's not necessarily bad for the people who are DOING the LOOKING, but it's not a very nice way to treat people. People are not accessories.
 
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NeonKaos said:
I think it is a "bad thing" when people get treated as though they are auditioning for a "role" in someone else's life.

It's not necessarily bad for the people who are DOING the LOOKING, but it's not a very nice way to treat people. People are not accessories.
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I agree totally. But why is it an audition? It's a conversation much like you have when you're talking to someone new. "Hi, I'm Danny and my wife and I are looking for someone to bring into our marriage." vs "Hi, my name is Neon and I'm looking to add someone into my life." Only difference I see there is "our" and "my".

Fact is that ANY relationship starts out as an audition, no?
 
Danny40179 said:
I agree totally. But why is it an audition? It's a conversation much like you have when you're talking to someone new. "Hi, I'm Danny and my wife and I are looking for someone to bring into our marriage." vs "Hi, my name is Neon and I'm looking to add someone into my life." Only difference I see there is "our" and "my".

Fact is that ANY relationship starts out as an audition, no?
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That is not a fact. I don't conduct my relationships that way. Although there have been times when I've felt as though I was being auditioned by someone else, and I didn't like it much. Obviously, there are people who do that, such as yourself. I would ask that you not assume everyone else goes about it the same way you do.
 
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I agree with NK, although I see your pov, Danny.

I've never really enjoyed the "interview" type getting-to-know-you conversations. I'd much rather engage in the chill-out, hang-out, have fun meet-and-greets.
 
Fidelia said:
I agree with NK, although I see your pov, Danny.

I've never really enjoyed the "interview" type getting-to-know-you conversations. I'd much rather engage in the chill-out, hang-out, have fun meet-and-greets.
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I just meet people in the course of everyday life. I guess I'm pretty laid-back about it. I'm not one of those people that realizes they're poly then feels compelled to find more relationships. My whole take on it is there are people I ALREADY know or have been in love with in the past that I don't necessarily have to forget about being with just because I'm married.

When it comes to meeting new people, I'm open to whatever might come of it. This could be a new cat-friend, a new FWB, a new SO, something else, or nothing at all. I often meet people that I'm attracted to without expecting it, and most of the time nothing comes of it, or at least not right away according to some expectation. It's not as though I'm looking for more love-relationships and trying to find people who fit that role. It's more like "Wow, you're pretty cool, let's hang out together more" (Hi Mags!) and it leads where it leads.
 
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