Hey fellas! I need some advice

[kindliver68]

So my partner and i are going on 2years. Lately there was a boundry that was unexpectedly broken, which was he initiated naked cuddles with a friend of his without my knowledge only to tell me after. This put me off guard because i wouldn’t have known that this would have made me feel uncomfortable. Anyways its still something thats an issue, he’s stopped cuddling with that specific fella, however he disagrees with my statement of platonically cuddling his friends naked.

But the weird thing is i do encourage him to go have sex and date others, and very supportive of that when its communicated directly with me from him. However platonic naked cuddles throws me off guard and makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Some reasons ive came up with is that, naked cuddles are extremely intimate in my perspective and should be reserved for partners

That the specific friend has been acting weird towards me about cuddling my partner

Cuddling naked is not what friends do.

Am I in the wrong? I hope to gain some insight on this complex understanding i have, anything is helpful!

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if any of these ideas will help you reflect. You don't have to answer online. I'm just offering it for reflection.

But the weird thing is i do encourage him to go have sex and date others, and very supportive of that when its communicated directly with me from him.

Is that like a "heads-up" rule? And this bothered you because he told you afterward, but before sharing sex with you again?

Some reasons ive came up with is that, naked cuddles are extremely intimate in my perspective and should be reserved for partners

More intimate than sharing sex?

Is it time to stop calling that person "friend" and start calling them "partner?" Would that sit any differently with you?

That the specific friend has been acting weird towards me about cuddling my partner

Doing weird behavior towards you how? Do you have to care?

Did your partner stop the naked cuddling like, "I don't want to do that again. I have agreements to keep with my partner," or like, "My partner won't let me do that"? One way is partner owning their choices and the other is partner blame-shifting it on you like you are the "mean parent" or something.

Cuddling naked is not what friends do.

YOU don't do that. Neither do I.

But if partner and his friends do... that's up to them, isn't it? Each person is in charge of their own body and their consent to do things or not.

Am I in the wrong? I hope to gain some insight on this complex understanding i have, anything is helpful!

I don't think that's helpful framing, this "right or wrong" thing. It seems to be more about "Are we compatible? Do we have shared values/beliefs?"

If partner chooses to keep on having naked cuddles with friends... is that a dealbreaker for you?

Galagirl

 

[shy guy]

I don't think that's helpful framing. This "right or wrong" thing. It seems to be more about "Are we compatible? Do we have shared values/beleifs?"

If partner chooses to keep on with naked cuddles with friends... is that a dealbreaker for you?

I'm new here, still learning, but this part of the response seems especially fitting. I think looking at it this way is the most healthy waybto proceed. That not all things have to be equal but that they should be balanced and mutually agreed upon. I would try to find some curiosity and ask what about it he enjoys, what does he get out of it, is it a tool for him in some way; get curious about his perspective and let him feel heard and then find commonground and compromise.

 

[kindliver68]

I really appreciate you taking the time for reading and sharing insight through your perspective, i definetly agree that its up to the person and if thats what my partner does, thats their choice but it is a dealbreaker with me.

My partner and i agree to disagree about the cuddling naked platonically, and i believe in this scenario is that this specific friend is avoidant with me and is very off putting when im around and says stuff like “too bad you live together because i dont get cuddles” giving me the impression that maybe the friends view is more than platonic to them.

Personally im taking it on to facilitate a conversation with this specific friend to see why theyre being so cautious around me. Because if its more than platonic, great! Be direct about that with my partner and my partner will have more knowledge on how to move forward with that relation, however if its a pure platonic connection also great! That means i can have a conversation about my partner around this dealbreaker for me

At the end of the day i want to explore why this is an issue that makes me feel uncomfortable and i think itll be alot more validating for me once i have that conversation with the friend because im thinking theyre just as confused as i am.

 

[kindliver68]

I'm new here, still learning, but this part of the response seems especially fitting. I think looking at it this way is the most healthy waybto proceed. That not all things have to be equal but that they should be balanced and mutually agreed upon. I would try to find some curiosity and ask what about it he enjoys, what does he get out of it, is it a tool for him in some way; get curious about his perspective and let him feel heard and then find commonground and compromise.

I appreciate the insight!

 

[kindliver68]

Is it time to stop calling that person "friend" and start calling them "partner?" Would that sit any differently with you?

I think its sits differently with me big time, just based on the information i have, i truly dont know what the friends intentions are, weather its platonic therapeutics or if theres a romantic interest. Through the perspective of my partner however is purely platonic.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello kindliver68,

It is hard to imagine naked cuddling being platonic, but I suppose anything's possible. Does your partner have any other partners besides you, or does he just have platonic friends? and maybe his friends aren't really platonic. Maybe they're partners to him, and he just hasn't had the courage to admit that.

Just some random thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I really appreciate you taking the time for reading and sharing insight through your perspective, i definetly agree that its up to the person and if thats what my partner does, thats their choice but it is a dealbreaker with me.

Have you been clear with partner on that?

i believe in this scenario is that this specific friend is avoidant with me

If their friend avoids you, you don't have to care. Not your friend. You just life your life.

is very off putting when im around and says stuff like “too bad you live together because i dont get cuddles”

They say that to you directly? Or to your partner, knowing that you would overhear?

You don't have to do anything about it. Or you could say any manner of things:

• "Yep."
• "Is there something you wanted to say to me?"
• "If you have an issue with my partner, take it up with them. I'm not in charge of them."
• Something else.
• Or you continue saying nothing/ignoring them.

Personally im taking it on to facilitate a conversation with this specific friend to see why theyre being so cautious around me.

Why is this your job, though?

At the end of the day i want to explore why this is an issue that makes me feel uncomfortable and i think itll be alot more validating for me once i have that conversation with the friend because im thinking theyre just as confused as i am.

The friend may not be confused at all.

I think talking to your partner would be better than talking to the friend, but it's up to you how you want to handle this.

Sometimes we just don't like things because we just don't like them. There doesn't have to be anything deeper than that.

• You like firm boundaries with friends. There is no nakedness and no naked cuddling.
• Your partner has fuzzier boundaries with friends that include naked cuddles.

Galagirl

 

[kindliver68]

Thanks Kevin for the insight! As of this moment he has no partners and the way he describes this friendship is that its purely platonic, i do trust his word on that just based on how he interacts with this friend, and the new development of him initiating naked cuddling is very out of character. Im not necessarily jealous but i am worried that he’s intiating something that can cause confusion within that friend… i appreciate your insight!

 

[kindliver68]

Have you been clear with partner on that?

If their friend avoids you, you don't have to care. Not your friend. You just life your life.

They say that to you directly? Or to your partner, knowing that you would overhear?

You don't have to do anything about it. Or you could say any manner of things.

• "Yep."
• "Is there something you wanted to say to me?"
• "If you have an issue with my partner, take it up with them. I'm not in charge of them."
• Something else.
• Or you continue saying nothing/ignoring them.

Why is this your job, though?

The friend may not be confused at all.

I think talking to your partner would be better than talking to the friend but up to you how you want to handle this.

But sometimes we just don't like things because we just don't like them. There doesn't have to be anything deeper than that.

You like firm boundaries with friends. There is no nakedness and no naked cuddling. Your partner has fuzzier boundaries with friends that include naked cuddles.

Again thank you for replying i appreciate the insights ive actually been encouraged by my partner to connect with them because of the conversations we’ve had and he made the decision to start avoiding them untill i have that conversation, which is pressure on my end, therefore i should have to take initiative to talk to this friend.

The comment from the friend was expressed to me by both another friend of ours as well as him, but it was brought forward to me i did not ask for this information.

And i totally agree with the avoidance thing, and i appreciate the validation towards that and that it shouldnt be my responsibility to confront the friend, however another issue is that we live together, and i work from home therefore its quite hard to avoid that when its in your environment. I want to come forward to my partner and be like “hey my dealbreaker is that naked cuddles make me feel uncomfortable especially when they claim to be a platonic friend. Im okay with regular cuddles, and if you’re interested in sex with them, communicate that, otherwise id personally prefer it if you kept clothes on when you engage in platonic cuddles”

Would that be a reasonable point to bring forward?

X1000 thank you

 

[kindliver68]

Have you been clear with partner on that?

Based on our conversations ive been very clear about that, and hes respects that. Since its become a conversation he has stopped hanging out with the friend entirely “untill i have a conversation with the friend”

 

[kdt26417]

So maybe the naked cuddling isn't romantic -- yet. However you are worried that it will become romantic. Is that true?

 

[kindliver68]

Based on our conversations ive been very clear about that, and hes respects that. Since its become a conversation he has stopped hanging out with the friend entirely “untill i have a conversation with the friend”

Which is also not good, because i see that they truly care for this friend platonically putting pressure on me to talk to them

 

[kindliver68]

So maybe the naked cuddling isn't romantic -- yet. However you are worried that it will become romantic. Is that true?

In a way but not really, its not a standpoint of jealousy but, im worried about the perspective of the friend getting the wrong intentions from my partner, hence this friend has a history of being played and that through my partner initiating naked cuddles that this friend is not only suddenly being avoidant with me, but might have a romantic interest when my partner clearly does not. Also the fact that this had happened multiple times without my knowledge (which is a violation of our agreed upon boundaries)

 

[kdt26417]

Okay I think I understand. So your concern is that, first of all, your partner violated your agreed-upon boundaries, and secondly, you're concerned that this friend is getting the wrong impression. Your partner has no romantic interest in this friend, but he is giving this friend the impression that it is romantic, and you are worried that this friend is going to end up hurt. Correct me on any part of this I have gotten wrong.

 

[Magdlyn]

ive actually been encouraged by my partner to connect with them because of the conversations we’ve had and he made the decision to start avoiding them untill i have that conversation, which is pressure on my end, therefore i should have to take initiative to talk to this friend.

The comment from the friend was expressed to me by both another friend of ours as well as him, but it was brought forward to me i did not ask for this information.

... it shouldnt be my responsibility to confront the friend, however another issue is that we live together, and i work from home therefore its quite hard to avoid that when its in your environment. I want to come forward to my partner and be like “hey my dealbreaker is that naked cuddles make me feel uncomfortable especially when they claim to be a platonic friend. Im okay with regular cuddles, and if you’re interested in sex with them, communicate that, otherwise id personally prefer it if you kept clothes on when you engage in platonic cuddles”

Would that be a reasonable point to bring forward?

In my opinion, it's not your role to act as a mediator or a relationship-definer between your partner and their friend. That's what they have to figure out between them. Personally, I don't know why you have an aversion to your partner cuddling with a friend, whether they call it platonic, or it is actually sexual, that's up to them. They can decide if they're crossing from "friends" to "friends with naked cuddling benefits."

Now, if you come home and they're naked on the couch, that's different. Partner should be doing that in the privacy of their own room, or over at friend's house.

Your partner told YOU to speak to their friend. You don't have to do that. Tell partner that you want clarity on whether their relationship is shifting from friend to FWBs, and it's up to partner to get clear on that. Also, don't listen to other friends who are commenting on who is naked cuddling with whom. That's your partner's business, not theirs, and not yours.

 

[Evie]

It sounds a little like you're trying to White Knight this situation, tbh. You've taken on the responsibility for asking the friend (who is possibly already slightly hostile towards you) what their intentions are towards your partner.

Why isn't your partner asking this question of their friend directly?

 

[kindliver68]

Okay I think I understand. So your concern is that, first of all, your partner violated your agreed-upon boundaries, and secondly, you're concerned that this friend is getting the wrong impression. Your partner has no romantic interest in this friend, but he is giving this friend the impression that it is romantic, and you are worried that this friend is going to end up hurt. Correct me on any part of this I have gotten wrong.

This is correct!

 

[kindliver68]

It sounds a little like you're trying to White Knight this situation, tbh. You've taken on the responsibility for asking the friend (who is possibly already slightly hostile towards you) what their intentions are towards your partner.

Why isn't your partner asking this question of their friend directly?

Thank you for this insight I appreciate it

 

[kindliver68]

In my opinion, it's not your role to act as a mediator or a relationship-definer between your partner and their friend. That's what they have to figure out between them. Personally, I don't know why you have an aversion to your partner cuddling with a friend, whether they call it platonic, or it is actually sexual, that's up to them. They can decide if they're crossing from "friends" to "friends with naked cuddling benefits."

Now, if you come home and they're naked on the couch, that's different. Partner should be doing that in the privacy of their own room, or over at friend's house.

Your partner told YOU to speak to their friend. You don't have to do that. Tell partner that you want clarity on whether their relationship is shifting from friend to FWBs, and it's up to partner to get clear on that. Also, don't listen to other friends who are commenting on who is naked cuddling with whom. That's your partner's business, not theirs, and not yours.

Thank you for this insight i appreciate this!