My name is Fred, I'm 43 years old and Im from the Pittsburgh area. I'm married and we recently opened our relationship. To make a long story short. My wife came to me wiith this. After a long time of mulling it over I agreed. It has has its ups and downs for me. Our communication as been so much better. She has found some one recently. Seems like a nice guy from her discription. That has been over 2 weeks now. I have had a series of lows. From some jealousy to feelings of inadequacy. I have talked with her about it. She has been very reassuring to me. She tells me she loves me and that she is not going any where. That has helped a lot. The thing is I'm having trouble meeting someone. I'm on okcupid, but have not really had any luck. I don't want to generalize or anything or come across wrong. But a lot of the poly women on that site I have nothing in common with and others just don't come across as friendly. I found this sight and I hope I can get the info I need to help me and get some support I need. Thanks
Hi everyone
- Thread starter Fh494
- Start date
Greetings Fred,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I have to sympathetically tell you that it's usually a lot harder for a guy to find a poly partner than it is for a gal. So, I'm not surprised to hear that your wife has someone new, but you haven't had much luck. Hang in there buddy; you'll need to be patient.
I will show you my list of links for finding poly groups and poly-friendly people ... sans OKCupid because you of course already know about that.
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.
With all of the above, you'll have a few more options for finding your own dating partners. Still it's a painstaking process, so expect to do a lot of work for very few results. It's a lonely world out there ... hard to find love even if you're monogamous ... you get the idea.
Regardless I hope you'll enjoy your stay on Polyamory.com; have a look around at our various threads and see what calls to you. There's a lot of valuable info on this site.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I have to sympathetically tell you that it's usually a lot harder for a guy to find a poly partner than it is for a gal. So, I'm not surprised to hear that your wife has someone new, but you haven't had much luck. Hang in there buddy; you'll need to be patient.
I will show you my list of links for finding poly groups and poly-friendly people ... sans OKCupid because you of course already know about that.
- https://fetlife.com/
- https://en.lovoo.com/#/
- http://www.facebook.com/
- http://www.beyondtwo.com/
- http://www.polygroups.com/
- http://polyamory.meetup.com/
- http://adultfriendfinder.com/
- http://www.polymatchmaker.com/
- http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
- http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
- http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/
- http://openingup.net/resources/national-organizations-us/
- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=83656#post83656
- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=13
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.
With all of the above, you'll have a few more options for finding your own dating partners. Still it's a painstaking process, so expect to do a lot of work for very few results. It's a lonely world out there ... hard to find love even if you're monogamous ... you get the idea.
Regardless I hope you'll enjoy your stay on Polyamory.com; have a look around at our various threads and see what calls to you. There's a lot of valuable info on this site.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
SmileTexas
New member
Hey Fred.
I have yet to meet a poly gal that I would date as well. That is not to say that they have not been beautiful or interesting. I just haven't clicked with one so far.
However, here are some tips for finding a single gal on OKC.
1. Read their entire profile before sending a message.
2. Comment on the things you liked in their profile. Woman get tons of messages about dicks and hooking up. Send them a nice message about how their profile is attractive to you.
3. Don't just LIKE someone and then not send a message. Woman almost never respond unless you send a message first.
4. Do not mention the open relationship in the message. Just tell them PLEASE read your profile before responding. I usually put this at the end of the message and something about my relationship status in the profile. That way they get to learn something about you first before making a snap decision.
5. You can never have too many pictures. Three should be the minimum.
6. Do not offer information about your relationship status unless they ask. Answer their questions as honestly as you can without being negative. Woman don't like to hear about your relationship problems. Huge turn off.
7. Get used to rejection. It is going to happen. Just plug away and you will find someone nice. After I started following these rules, I went on three dates in three weeks.
8. This is kind of awful but true. I didn't put my income on my profile. I make a decent amount of money but not too much. After I listed my income, I had 10x more traffic. Sad but true. Maybe it just shows that I am stable. I doubt it.
I have yet to meet a poly gal that I would date as well. That is not to say that they have not been beautiful or interesting. I just haven't clicked with one so far.
However, here are some tips for finding a single gal on OKC.
1. Read their entire profile before sending a message.
2. Comment on the things you liked in their profile. Woman get tons of messages about dicks and hooking up. Send them a nice message about how their profile is attractive to you.
3. Don't just LIKE someone and then not send a message. Woman almost never respond unless you send a message first.
4. Do not mention the open relationship in the message. Just tell them PLEASE read your profile before responding. I usually put this at the end of the message and something about my relationship status in the profile. That way they get to learn something about you first before making a snap decision.
5. You can never have too many pictures. Three should be the minimum.
6. Do not offer information about your relationship status unless they ask. Answer their questions as honestly as you can without being negative. Woman don't like to hear about your relationship problems. Huge turn off.
7. Get used to rejection. It is going to happen. Just plug away and you will find someone nice. After I started following these rules, I went on three dates in three weeks.
8. This is kind of awful but true. I didn't put my income on my profile. I make a decent amount of money but not too much. After I listed my income, I had 10x more traffic. Sad but true. Maybe it just shows that I am stable. I doubt it.
SmileTexas
New member
Make sure you make a list of rules and write them down. I don't like sleepovers because I can't sleep when she is gone. I like to know what time she plans to come home too. No one is ever allowed to our house. I don't like hearing about her sex life with other guys. We always use protection. A simple list of rules that make you feel more comfortable shouldn't be a problem since she just started dating. Don't worry about the feelings of inadequacy, those are completely normal. Is he better or bigger? That is just your mind playing games with you. He is newer and that is the big attraction right now. Even if he is smaller and worse in bed, it will be real exciting for her. You just have to deal with it.
Also try to find an activity when she goes out. Exercising is mine. It is hard to worry when you are exhausted and it increases your chance of attracting a mate. If you do find a gal, schedule your dates for the same night. It will be hard to think about her if you are making out.
One more thing about OKC? When you mention your open relationship, sometimes less is better. "I am in an open relationship and I am really excited to meet knew people." That is positive. "My wife decided to be open and I am suddenly thrust into the dating world again." Less positive. "I hope I can find someone because I am so lonely and confused since my wife decided to date other people." Pity party. No one will return your messages.
By the way, 90 percent of the ladies I talk to are single moms. I think it is because their schedule is so full that it is hard for them to carry on with a regular relationship. However, married men fill this gap nicely. Just saying. Single moms are where it is at!
GOOD LUCK.
Also try to find an activity when she goes out. Exercising is mine. It is hard to worry when you are exhausted and it increases your chance of attracting a mate. If you do find a gal, schedule your dates for the same night. It will be hard to think about her if you are making out.
One more thing about OKC? When you mention your open relationship, sometimes less is better. "I am in an open relationship and I am really excited to meet knew people." That is positive. "My wife decided to be open and I am suddenly thrust into the dating world again." Less positive. "I hope I can find someone because I am so lonely and confused since my wife decided to date other people." Pity party. No one will return your messages.
By the way, 90 percent of the ladies I talk to are single moms. I think it is because their schedule is so full that it is hard for them to carry on with a regular relationship. However, married men fill this gap nicely. Just saying. Single moms are where it is at!
GOOD LUCK.
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
To Smile's great tips, I'll add one more:
* Once you've established a connection, let her set the pace of progression. Many women prefer to be pursued, yes, but this does not include constant pressure to move to the next level. Express interest, be attentive and all the good things Smile suggests. Be willing to hang with writing messages until she offers to text, email, phone or meet. Be present and positive, but willing to progress at the pace with which she is comforatable. Many men go in for the "let's meet!" or "let's talk on the phone" way too early because they (understandably) are excited or don't want to waste their time. But that's a big part of courtship - showing your sincerity and consideration for the woman's pacing. Remember that you're courting, first and foremost. Even if these are all secondary to you, they are still relationships involving real and feeling women.
A number of women on the forum are also on OKCupid and have some good experience to share, so do ask more questions if you come back.
* Once you've established a connection, let her set the pace of progression. Many women prefer to be pursued, yes, but this does not include constant pressure to move to the next level. Express interest, be attentive and all the good things Smile suggests. Be willing to hang with writing messages until she offers to text, email, phone or meet. Be present and positive, but willing to progress at the pace with which she is comforatable. Many men go in for the "let's meet!" or "let's talk on the phone" way too early because they (understandably) are excited or don't want to waste their time. But that's a big part of courtship - showing your sincerity and consideration for the woman's pacing. Remember that you're courting, first and foremost. Even if these are all secondary to you, they are still relationships involving real and feeling women.
A number of women on the forum are also on OKCupid and have some good experience to share, so do ask more questions if you come back.
This. There is so much truth in these words. Being too eager is a huge turn-off for me, at least. Probably for many other women, too.
Also, your dating pool will most likely consist of ladies with a lot going on in their lives. Poly women, single moms, career ladies... You are not able to offer a very entangled life partnership, so the people interested in you won't be looking for that and already have filled their lives with a lot. So, in this scenario it is maybe even more important not to push too much. If they find you interesting enough, they will make room for a date in their calendar.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Glad this is helpful info, Fh494. Think of the pacing of the steps in communication as the online equivalent of sex. You want to express interest and appreciation, but you don't want to go any further than the woman is ready for. Pushing for too much contact too soon is like making "passes" (do people still use this word?) that the woman isn't ready for. Things go so much better when she indicates readiness for the phone, email, texting, getting together. Many women want to know that you are interested in her, not just in "seeing if there is chemistry." AKA - will I want to f*** you when I see you in person? Sure, in-person chemistry is very important, but men pushing for this are a dime a dozen. Men who take the time to communicate at the comfort level of the woman distinguish themselves online as thoughtful and well mannered - and interested in the person, not just the picture. This is very, very important to most women who are looking for intimate relationships, even if that relationship is not the primary focus in their lives.
Also, how your profile is crafted makes all the difference in whom you attract. For instance, I do not respond or write to men who have no photo, blurry photo or a sparsely filled out main page. The more thought that goes into a man's written profile, the more I know that he is a mature, solid person who is serious about meeting women. If you're running into women who are not very warm, check your own profile for how inviting it might read. Do you include a bit of humor? Do you speak in an appreciative way? Do you have a list of "do wants" instead of "don't wants?" Developing a thorough, warm, fun, inviting profile yourself goes a very long way toward attracting the same in the women on the site.
Also, how your profile is crafted makes all the difference in whom you attract. For instance, I do not respond or write to men who have no photo, blurry photo or a sparsely filled out main page. The more thought that goes into a man's written profile, the more I know that he is a mature, solid person who is serious about meeting women. If you're running into women who are not very warm, check your own profile for how inviting it might read. Do you include a bit of humor? Do you speak in an appreciative way? Do you have a list of "do wants" instead of "don't wants?" Developing a thorough, warm, fun, inviting profile yourself goes a very long way toward attracting the same in the women on the site.
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nycindie
Active member
Hi Fred, and welcome!
My advice to you is to please remember that choosing to accept a polyamorous arrangement does not mean that it is now a race or competition between you and your wife to find other partners. Nothing sucks more than to be a woman who is targeted as a potential by a guy just because his wife has a bf and he feels the need to "keep pace." Blaargh! I had dated a married poly guy for a while, but had a sneaking suspicion his heart wasn't really in it, even though I know he genuinely liked me. I broke up with him because he admitted (after I asked him) that he was really only dating and seeking a gf because his wife had a bf and he felt he had to have a gf so that it was "fair;" he needed someone to preoccupy him from thinking of her; and he didn't know what else to do.
I don't want to be a prize to be won so a guy can say to his wife or gf, "Okay, now I've got a partner, too - goody, we're even!" I want someone to be interested in me because he truly is interested in me, attracted to me, and turned on by the idea of getting to know me and be with me -- not because now that he's agreed to poly he needs to find someone.
Just keep that in mind and check in with yourself now and then to see what your motivations are. A lot of people in couples find that there are times when one of them doesn't have a lover or OSO (Other Significant Other), while one of them does. That is OK! Go out and do things you are interested in so you can meet women and see if anything clicks, but don't try to pursue anyone out of some feeling that you're supposed to do that now because you've agreed to polyamory. It can be difficult enough, as a newbie, to adjust to the new dynamic created when one of you has another romantic interest, don't jump in before you are really and truly ready to navigate the waters when you both do.
My advice to you is to please remember that choosing to accept a polyamorous arrangement does not mean that it is now a race or competition between you and your wife to find other partners. Nothing sucks more than to be a woman who is targeted as a potential by a guy just because his wife has a bf and he feels the need to "keep pace." Blaargh! I had dated a married poly guy for a while, but had a sneaking suspicion his heart wasn't really in it, even though I know he genuinely liked me. I broke up with him because he admitted (after I asked him) that he was really only dating and seeking a gf because his wife had a bf and he felt he had to have a gf so that it was "fair;" he needed someone to preoccupy him from thinking of her; and he didn't know what else to do.
I don't want to be a prize to be won so a guy can say to his wife or gf, "Okay, now I've got a partner, too - goody, we're even!" I want someone to be interested in me because he truly is interested in me, attracted to me, and turned on by the idea of getting to know me and be with me -- not because now that he's agreed to poly he needs to find someone.
Just keep that in mind and check in with yourself now and then to see what your motivations are. A lot of people in couples find that there are times when one of them doesn't have a lover or OSO (Other Significant Other), while one of them does. That is OK! Go out and do things you are interested in so you can meet women and see if anything clicks, but don't try to pursue anyone out of some feeling that you're supposed to do that now because you've agreed to polyamory. It can be difficult enough, as a newbie, to adjust to the new dynamic created when one of you has another romantic interest, don't jump in before you are really and truly ready to navigate the waters when you both do.
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Karen and Cindy, thank you. Having a female prospecive on this is great. I have tried to do a self check to make sure I am looking for a partner for the right reasons. I am chatting with a woman right now. We have exchanged some messages back and forth over the last couple days. All of your advice has me less anxious about it. This has helped me look at the bigger picture here. I should not be in any rush or worry about it. Thank you, this has given me great insite and helped settle me.