Hi from Michigan

dust

New member
Hello,
Married for over 10 years, two wonderful kids. We are just starting with an open marriage (my wife's idea) and it's a struggle for me. I'm looking for a support group.
 

River

Active member
Hi, Dust.

Welcome to the forum. It's slower around here than it used to be, but you'll probably find what you're looking for, if you'll be patient.
 

dust

New member
Thanks River

There is a lot here - looking forward to interacting and sharing. Thanks for the welcome.
 

Fish1470

New member
Welcome Dust from one new member to another. Sounds like we have similar situations, am here if I can help at all mate.
 

dust

New member
Thanks Fish,
This has been a painfully eye-opening experience for me, and it's really gotten me to consider how I love. There are so many subtle undertones of control, neediness and ownership and I'm trying to wash a lot of that away. It's not fun, but I feel like I'm growing.

At the same time I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.

I realize that this is all in my head, but as much as I want to, I can't turn my brain off. My life and my wife can be awesome if I can just get past all of this - but pain and jealousy keep derailing me. I feel needy and that makes my wife need more space - a tough cycle to break out of. Divorce and separation have come up several times, mostly from hurt - but we both wonder if we've outgrown each other.

I could go on, but this is enough layers of the onion for now. My wife and I have talked this to death and I need to be able to talk and share with others. I'd like to find someone for myself, but that's never been my strong suit and this is so much on my mind that I'd be a rotten date right now.

I could use some support, please let me know if you can relate.

Thanks,
D
 

Fish1470

New member
The initial shock is always going to take time, take communication and then more time. When Kat talked to me about her wants, needs every negative thought that could go through my head did, every worst case became the most likely.

First up I wonder why you think you have outgrown one another? Obviously you love your wife, which in turn makes it obvious you want your relationship to continue.

For me the first thing to deal with was the sense that she must want to separate, it was, for me at least a natural conclusion to the suggestion that she wanted to see other people, sexually and emotionally. After much thought, a lot of conversation, a fair few arguments it became clear that you wouldn't argue over seeing other people if you didn't love one another.

Dust all I can say is take those negative feelings, write them down then pick one. For a day, a week, a month just think about where that's come from, why you feel it. I promise you these arrangements can work, and you won't believe this right now, but it can make your marriage stronger.

Chin up mate, it might look like storm clouds everywhere, but there is a sky above the rain.
 

dust

New member
First up I wonder why you think you have outgrown one another?

In many ways I've nurtured her in our relationship, and we realized that I had a patronizing edge was not what either of us wanted. Now she seems all grown up now, which is awesome but makes me feel unneeded.

At the same time, I'm dependent on her to take care of me in other areas and I need to become independent myself.

So that's our rationalization for 'outgrowing', but you are right - there is too much love between us.

Yesterday was a really good day - and I think she got that a lot of my hurt was not because of the metamour, but because I felt we'd lost something special. We held each other, kissed and talked about us. and NOT about him, or boundaries or polyamory or Love with a capital L. Just about us. It was good :)

I promise you these arrangements can work, and you won't believe this right now, but it can make your marriage stronger.

Oh, I believe it - I can see it. I've just gotten derailed quite often, unfortunately.

What about you? Do you have an other, or are you looking?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello dust,

Just wanted to add my welcome to our forum. I see you are in a period of mourning over the loss of the monogamous dream. You will not get through that right away, so be patient with yourself and with the process.

Keep the communication channels very open between you and your wife. Communicate considerately, but don't bottle anything in. Both of you are in a period of transition right now, so lend each other a bit of extra support.

I hope Polyamory.com will be of significant help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

dust

New member
I see you are in a period of mourning over the loss of the monogamous dream.

That's a great way to put it.

I'm doing okay, much better than a week ago. It's helped a lot to be able to share part of my story, and read similar (or very different stories) from others.

-D
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Glad to hear it; hope we can continue to be of help.
 

Fish1470

New member
Kdt puts it perfectly, it's a big period of adjustment and takes time to get straight in your own head. Glad to read you had a better day yesterday dust. I have good ones and bad, sometimes I can see this as the exciting journey it is and other days it feels like everything you held dear has diminished.. Like being told the earths flat after years of believing its not.

You asked about me, I'm not looking for another at the moment, I'm happy that Kat is finding her feet with the whole idea and it has bought us to being more open and honest with each other about our needs and wants.
 

SweetSensations

New member
switch focus

I am just throwing it out there. I guess I am asking the group- would it help him to "Eff the pain away" like the song. Could another lover help him to cope? What is gonna help you put your brain on the shelf? Maybe some sort of switch of focus. What if your focus became how many different sensations can I give this other woman ? Start planning your new sexual rendezvous. Even if you didn't follow through right now.
 

Fish1470

New member
Personally I don't think it would help, I can obviously only speak for me, but I would say its risking transference, just putting your focus on somebody else would certainly stop me from being able to concentrate on myself.

As I say that's just me and I suppose everyone has different journeys and ways of walking them.
 

SweetSensations

New member
I hope he gets into the planning phase. He needs something to look forward to. Something that gives his mind a little peace. He may be going in that direction sooner or later. If not in real life maybe in his mind. Visualization helped me bring my goal to life. What is going to move him toward empowerment? Give him something that can move him to empowered.

Pain-------->>---------->>-------------to ------>>>---------->>---------Empowered
 

dust

New member
I hope he gets into the planning phase. He needs something to look forward to.
I actually did ask someone out last week, and that felt good - though she wasn't interested in a married man. It was good for me to DO something instead of just worrying about what M does.

It's not hard for me to envision a long term relation with someone new. I care very deeply for people, but up till now I just have emotional intimacy with people other than M. It's exciting to think of the physical side of things as well, but it's not easy to put myself out there.
 

Aquarius

New member
Me too

Hi Dust,
I'm having all your feelings too Dust. My husband told me he is poly and it's hard some days and easier others. I too mourn the fact I was special to him and his 'great" love. Not sure where I am right now but I'm trying. So I feel you. We r just a bit far( I'm in Australia) or we could have gone for a drink! Chin up. What I try remember is that I am special to me and To a hell of other people too. I think we have to believe in ourselves! One day at a time
Good luck and here to talk when you want
 

dust

New member
Thanks Aquarius,
I wish we could grab a drink as well - that would be nice. I'd love to visit Australia!

I'm realizing that M and I still have a very special relationship - and I feel special and proud that I'm open to this. But it's delicate and I spiral down at times, though less each day.

If we didn't have strong feelings, then it wouldn't hurt.
 

Aquarius

New member
Yep. Just breathe... That's my motto!
How long has this been for you? My hubby told me March last year. We are taking it slow and we are going to a poly meeting together end of this month to speak to people and maybe make new friends.
I try not to dwell on negatives. Sometimes I feel like just running and never stopping. Then I shake it off and remember that I'm in a loving relationship and I need to keep an open mind. I'm trying! Glad to have met you Dust. Off to bed good night!
 

dust

New member
It's complicated, but it became clear she needed something outside of our marriage about 6 months ago. For a long time I thought (hoped) it was something she could 'get out of her system' with a tryst.

I think the hardest thing for me has been to get to what is real instead of looking at what I want to be real. It's easy to get stuck on what 'should be', but I think that just makes the pain last longer.
 
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