Hi from Michigan

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well I think your attitude is right and very honest. Take it slow, and give yourself time to acclimatize.
 

Fish1470

New member
Hope your weekend goes well Dust, keep chipping away at those negatives mate.

Hi Aquarius, hope you too find some light in the gloom, where in Australia are you? Shows how sheltered my introduction to poly has been, I didn't know there was anyone to talk to here lol.

Be well both of you, Dust you know where I am if it gets tough this weekend mate.
 

dust

New member
Thanks Fish,
Yeah, I'm nervous. It'll be weird to sleep alone and know that she is with someone else. But we've had a really nice week and I don't want to let the time apart screw up our time together.

breathe. Keep busy. Give the kids hugs, but not so much that they think I'm crazy.

:-/
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
And don't pile up your potatoes like the guy on "Close Encouters" did. :)
 

SweetSensations

New member
Tonight order your favorite take out and make sure you have a comedy or the like on DVD.

What can you do that is luxury? Maybe sleep with a silicone toy. Is it distasteful to say have fun with yourself? It can be masturbation night.:eek:
 

nycindie

Active member
. . . I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.

No one can complete anyone else. We are all whole human beings, and if we feel incomplete, no other person can fix that for us. It's an illusion that only can change from the inside. Likewise, believing that we can complete another person is a dangerous myth to invest in. You start thinking that that is your role in life, and then you won't know what to do with yourself when the bubble bursts and you realize she was whole all along.

But you are a whole person and so is she, so you are both already complete.

Whether in a polyamorous or mongamous relationship structure, you and your wife STILL CAN BE:
special to each other,
allies in facing the challenges of life (the world), AND
meant for each other.

Her being with someone else does not take away or negate any of these things. All it means is that she's spending time and relation with someone else she cares about. That is all. It is not about you.

Explore what makes you happy and new ways of relating to each other. When you look at each other, realize that each day you are new and growing, and there is always more to learn about a person. This is an exciting time, actually - you have the opportunity to create and reframe what your marriage means for you instead of being hypnotized into adopting what society says it should be. Embrace it. All the best...
 

dust

New member
I had a breakthrough last night and I want to share it with my new community. It's a little hard to explain, and I feel a little uncomfortable writing it - but I want to share the good with the bad. It feels a bit like boasting, but feeling good about myself is critical and has been difficult on this journey.

It settled in on me that M is poly. My wife is polyamorous. I don't think I'd ever said that, and there was still a lot of resistance in me - especially as she spent the night away for the first time. I felt calm as I realized it - this is right for her. It fits.

And realizing that allows me to feel good about myself instead of sorry for myself. I'm pretty fucking awesome! I'm taking a difficult journey for my partner and look how far we've come! [note: If pain and jealousy are normal and we have to learn to sit with both, then pride is too. I don't want to stay here - but damn it feels good to have a spiral that makes me feel good instead of bad!]

I woke up alone and I feel good. I hope M wakes up and enjoys her morning - and that we both feel that life is as it should be.

I can't wait until she gets home, so we can hug and kiss and rejoice that we are together. :)

Thanks everyone - I couldn't have gotten this far without this forum.

[Note 2: M is amazing too. I'm sharing my story, and don't want to speak for her. This isn't all about me - but this is just my part of the story].

-D
 

dust

New member
Thanks for the thoughtful post, nycindie - very well said. I'm just getting to the point where this is exciting, and it is, well, exciting!

I do want to discuss your point about being complete - because this is something I've thought a lot about - and it's something I imagine a lot of people struggle with.

We are all whole human beings, and if we feel incomplete, no other person can fix that for us. It's an illusion that only can change from the inside.
But how does love and relationships fit in here? Because when one person tries to open up a mono relationship, it is because there is something they need.

I was stuck for a while feeling like M didn't really NEED this, instead she needed to figure out what made her feel incomplete (self-esteem? Career?) and address that.

If we are all complete, then couldn't we all CHOOSE to be monogamous? This is where my mind went, and it was a huge roadblock for me. I wasn't able to move forward until I accepted that this wasn't optional for M.

But to answer my own question - I guess M wasn't letting herself be compete until recently.

Anyway, I know people who are used to mono relationships are reading this - so I'm trying to share my roadblocks. This was a big one.
 

NovemberRain

New member
But how does love and relationships fit in here? Because when one person tries to open up a mono relationship, it is because there is something they need.

Hi!

Apologies, I've just arrived in this thread, and have only read this post, but wanted to reply specifically to this.

I, myself, don't believe this is true. I don't need a relationship, I don't need many relationships. (well, apart from I think humans need humans and all that) I'm quite capable of having a lovely life with no mono or poly partners at all.

Me? I WANT all the goodies I get from relationships. I want a warm body to sleep with at night, and I want someone who is kind and lovely and fun and all whatever I want.

But I would much rather not need anything from that person. I don't look for some need, other than I want it, as the reason I 'open a relationship.'

********
edited to add:

sorry, I'm an idjit. I completely misread that. I read 'open a relationship' as 'start a relationship' My humongous apologies.
 
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dust

New member
That makes sense - but I think you are in a different spot than many of us.

For several of us, there is a struggle to transition from mono to poly. It is that transition period where one partner feels a change is necessary and it can be traumatic to both. I would still be stuck if I thought my wife was just being stubborn in not choosing monogamy.

For better or worse (haha) I think most married partners do feel that they need each other on some level.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well "need" and "want" sometimes break down into a semantic discussion. I think the point in this is that M realized that a poly life would be a good thing for her ... and by extension, for her and you as well. It's an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer as she shares her experiences and desires.

Ultimately, this is something she wanted, and you've made the leap to be okay with her about that. That is an amazing gift for a spouse to give, and I commend you for "leaping that chasm." It's not supported by society at large (yet), so it takes a great deal of introspection and inner strength to be okay with this whole "poly" thing.

I hope you guys will have many happy moments to share in the future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

SweetSensations

New member
If a minister hadn't sold me on the idea of Poly, I would be stuck in a marriage without sex. H may leave me but I for sure left no stone unturned. I can say I did everything possible to save the marriage and will do more.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
SweetSensations, I believe that is the right attitude and approach to take. I know it is not easy.
 

SweetSensations

New member
Roller Coaster

It is a roller coaster ride...
I don't know what is ahead...
a ride I will never forget ...
a ride where your guts wind up in your throat at times...
a ride when I think am I ever going to stop sinking...
sometimes arms waving in the air with new joy...
I grit my teeth and hold on tight...
sometimes sharp turns ahead...
I shut my eyes and scream...
I come to the top and smile...
dizzy from the ride...
oh no, I am falling again...
but what an adrenaline RUSH...
and I don't regret waiting in line.
 

Fish1470

New member
Good to hear dust, I reached the same point about a month ago so I know what a weight lifted it feels like. The energy that these arrangements, relationships can bring into your marriage are just brilliant.

Glad you turned a corner mate, enjoy the wave
 

Aquarius

New member
Not quite there yet

So envious fish and dust! I haven't quite reached that corner yet. But I trust my SO( breathe deeply) in that he will communicate and be gentle in my down times. Still one day at a time..... How far is that corner??????????
 

dust

New member
Well "need" and "want" sometimes break down into a semantic discussion. I think the point in this is that M realized that a poly life would be a good thing for her ... and by extension, for her and you as well.
That quite frankly wasn't how it felt. I read in a different thread where the partner said something like - 'I love you, I want to be with you, but if I have to choose between you and freedom I will choose freedom'. M said last night that's how she felt too. It's shocking how much she would give up for this - we have two kids, she isn't in a position to support herself and few of her family and friends would understand.

This wasn't a well reasoned choice, where all of us were taken into consideration. It was desperate, guilty, tearful and hard.

I have a passion myself, for a business I've been trying to build for 15 years. It has been a source of conflict between us for a long time - and I've pursued it well beyond 'what makes sense'. But I can't give it up - there is something in me that needs to be expressed - creativity, building something, a vision, a challenge... I'm complete when I have something like this in my life. It feels like a need, rather than a want.

To me I need to have certain things in my life - or perhaps better said, I need to express certain things in life to feel complete. I could be wrong, but that is how I see this with M - she doesn't need a specific other person - but she does need to express something that she can't express in a mono relationship.

Point being - when she figured out what she needed to express, it stopped being a choice. She is complete when she expresses it.

Here's the thing - when I thought she could choose monogamy, I tried to show her just how much she had to lose and I tried to boost myself up as an amazing person who deserves better. I wanted her to choose me and monogamy. It wasn't pretty.

But when I realized that this wasn't a choice for her - then I realized what I had to lose and was able to consider what I was willing to do for us. If I hadn't made this switch, we'd probably be separated and miserable.

That is an amazing gift for a spouse to give, and I commend you for "leaping that chasm." It's not supported by society at large (yet), so it takes a great deal of introspection and inner strength to be okay with this whole "poly" thing.
Thanks - this means a lot.
 
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