I've been lurking around this forum for a week now, trying to get myself to make a move and register. I am in the middle of a relationship crisis, but I need to gather myself before I post. For now, an intro post will have to suffice.
I thought of everything I wanted to say, but now I have forgotten it. I am unfortunately rather distressed regarding this situation, and that doesn’t help my communication abilities.
So, I am convinced that I’m poly. I always have been and I always will be most likely. Every single relationship I’ve had has involved a very hard choice. A choice that has broken my heart every damned time. This time it is no different. Long story short I had an online friend I had a huge crush on. Then my life crashed hard and my current boyfriend, J , loved me at a time when I never thought I would be loved again. He picked me up and loved me flaws and all. After dating J for a few months I decided to meet up with this online friend, S to hang out and start a friendship. When we first met, there was instant attraction. We both felt it. I didn’t pursue him romantically since I was dating J. I was so wrapped up in J that I told myself I could love only him forever. We are an amazing couple. I’ve gotten to know S as a friend, while my feelings for him continued to simmer. Finally, about a month ago he confessed that he actually felt the same way about me (I never would have guessed!), we both just wanted to get the white elephant dealt with. Being very honest, I told J about our feelings for each other. And…. Here we are. J is waiting to see if he can deal with this, if not, that’s the end of us.
There are so many emotions swirling around. I’m only going to be able to touch on them.
Then there is the issue of how horrible I feel. I feel like a “bad” person. . J and I are supposed to moving into a nicer apartment soon and making a home for us. We were supposed to be getting engaged this winter and I feel like such a horrible person for fouling this all up. We had a very good thing going, and now we are in shambles because of me. J is sad every day, and he tells me that even the thought of me having feelings for another guy hurts him terribly. I’m polyamorous, bisexual and whole other list of abnormalities. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be happy with the beautiful relationship I have with J. I feel so ungrateful.
It’s not that I’m afraid of committing, not at all. I want J to be with my as a partner for the rest of my life and I love him dearly. I love him more than I have ever been able to feel for anyone in the past. It’s just, I can’t imagine not being allowed to love anyone else for the rest of my life. That makes me incredibly sad. There are so many amazing people I find who I want to connect with on a deep emotional level. How can I go through the rest of my life like he expects/wants me to? However, how can I go through life expecting him to not be who he is? I would do anything for our relationship.
This would work better for me if this was a question and answer type of discussion, but I appreciate any comments. I need to work through this… we (J, S, and I) need to work through this. I know this was lengthy, and if you, as a reader, made it through, I applaud you.
Yes he is, sort of. (willing to pursue a mono relationship with me) We are both worried about the future when this happens again. We've got what...60+ more years together. Ultimately he would just like this to not be an issue and just have me all to himself for all eternity.
As far as my willingness to forego other relationships? I'm not sure anymore. I feel incredibly selfish for saying that I don't think I could. Also, in a year he will be moving all the way across the country to literally the other coast for 4 years... without me.