Hopping off the train before it wrecks, but I'm devastated

thebizarre

New member
I'm new here and one of the reasons I decided to join this site is because I'm nearing the end of a relationship - I have very little hope of things working out, so this isn't a "should we break up" type post. I just need to vent, clear my head, and prepare myself.

A bit of background, I'm female, and I've been in a relationship with a woman for three years. About a year ago, I met a guy (online) who lives in another state. For the first six months or so, we were friends... I just didn't see things working out because of the distance. But the heart is a tricky thing, and before I knew it, we were in love, and he was making plans to come visit me. Before him, I'd only dated, but nothing serious. He was the first person I'd fallen in love with since my primary partner.

His first visit - magical is the only way I can describe it. But even then, I should have seen the warning signs. When I introduced him to my partner for the first time, he started behaving very strangely - being distant, not talking much, hanging back when we were out together.

I questioned him about it later, and that's when he admitted to me that he had doubts. He wasn't sure if a long distance relationship could work, and didn't know if he could "get into" being poly. Naturally, I felt betrayed, because he seemed perfectly fine with it before.

Long story short, we decided that since we were so in love and should give things a fair shot. Relocation to his state was a very real possibility for me, as I'm not particularly fond of where I live. The only real obstacle left was whether we could make a poly relationship work.

After his visit, I flew out to see him a few weeks later. This time around, it wasn't "magical." We had fun, and we cohabited beautifully, but the spark of passion was just dead. Furthermore, I didn't like where he lived as much as another city I'd been considering moving. So essentially, if I moved there, it would be primarily to be closer to him, something I'm not entirely comfortable with.

During my stay, my intuition kept nagging me that something was "off." In fact, I'd been feeling that way for the weeks leading up to the visit to him, but I tried to shake it off. While I was there, I didn't meet many of his friends, no one in his family, and he really just seemed distant. I also found out that he was into harder drugs, and had more than a few personality quirks that I didn't like.

When I returned home, we had a long phone conversation, and I told him things felt different. He admitted that he is convinced that a poly relationship could never work for him. He said that he wanted me to break up with my girlfriend and be with him, which I told him wasn't going to happen. The conversation ended on a rather indecisive note.

After letting my emotions settle, and taking a logical, rational look at things, I've decided to end the relationship. He's not poly, wants me to leave my partner, lives very far away in a place that I couldn't see myself living in, and intuitively, I feel "off" about him. Add the stress of relocating to another state, establishing a new relationship, and trying to make a poly relationship work with someone who's against the entire concept, and I can hear thunder rolling in the distance.

Logic aside, it hurts. A small part of me wonders if maybe, just maybe things could work out. Am I making a mistake by leaving him? I want things to work so badly, but my heart and my head clearly disagree. Although he isn't perfect, this guy has been there for me through dark times. He "gets" me like no one ever had other. He supports and inspires me. He's ambitious, driven, sensitive, and thoughtful. He's made sacrifices for me. I know that he loves me, and I him, but dragging this relationship out is only going to prolong the inevitable.

We've discussed "staying together to see how things work out," and he mentioned seeing other people for the first time, but he isn't poly. I don't want to feel like I'm being put on standby while he waits for something better to come along. I love him enough to do the right thing and free him to find someone who wants the same things out of love and life as he does.

I'm in therapy, and I plan to talk to my therapist before I break up with him. Any thoughts, ideas, criticism etc is welcomed and appreciated. I just need some objective opinions from people who are experienced with these kinds of relationships and situations. Thanks for reading this. Sorry for any typos, I'm short on time and can't proofread.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi thebizarre,

We can't guarantee that this or that choice will be the right choice, but we can estimate which choice seems to have the best odds of being the right choice. If I was a betting man, I would bet on the choice you have decided to make. This man does not want polyamory and you do want polyamory. That's not a little thing, it would plague you for years (decades?) to come, and likely end in a breakup anyway.

Re:
"I love him enough to do the right thing and free him to find someone who wants the same things out of love and life as he does."

That's the ticket. Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving thing we can do.

So sorry, I know it's not easy, and not what you wanted. :( Again I think you're making the right decision.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think you are on the right track in letting the romance between you end. You are very clear:

After letting my emotions settle, and taking a logical, rational look at things, I've decided to end the relationship. He's not poly, wants me to leave my partner, lives very far away in a place that I couldn't see myself living in, and intuitively, I feel "off" about him. Add the stress of relocating to another state, establishing a new relationship, and trying to make a poly relationship work with someone who's against the entire concept, and I can hear thunder rolling in the distance.

Just that break ups, even when the correct logical next step for a situation, still stink!

Bear with it, and keep going. You can make it through to the other side where things begin to feel better again. That is when it is all over. AFTER the break up and grief process is completed.

It is ok and appropriate to feel ugh before a break up and during a break up. Nobody thinks those parts are fun. :(

I think you are making the right choice in the situation.

Galagirl
 
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thebizarre

New member
We can't guarantee that this or that choice will be the right choice, but we can estimate which choice seems to have the best odds of being the right choice.

I agree with this completely. Just re-reading my post after taking a break away from it, I can see that the negatives outweigh the positives, by far. I just hope he agrees with me that this is the right thing. I hope I can stick to my guns. As much as I like having him in my life, chatting with him, etc, I may need to go no contact for a bit until the dust settles.

Sometimes letting someone go is the most loving thing we can do.

Exactly - I'm doing this because I love him... and also, because I love myself. Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Also, hard drugs. Eep!
 

thebizarre

New member
Just that break ups, even when the correct logical next step for a situation, still stink!

Bear with it, and keep going. You can make it through to the other side where things begin to feel better again. That is when it is all over. AFTER the break up and grief process is completed.

It is ok and appropriate to feel ugh before a break up and during a break up. Nobody thinks those parts are fun. :(

I think you are making the right choice in the situation.

Thanks for the reply and reassurance. I'm so nervous and full of so many different emotions, and I'm afraid - of the unknown. What this breakup will mean. I'm afraid of how he'll react, I have not a clue what I'm going to say. And yeah, I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I'll get through it. This isn't my first breakup, but I sincerely hope it will be my last.

If I'm honest with myself, there's a tiny, optimistic little part of me that wishes that perhaps, this could work. It's hard to think straight when logic and love are doing battle. I keep thinking, "well, maybe he'll do some soul searching, become more open minded, decide our relationship is worth saving, and he, my girlfriend and I will live happy ever after together." A silly, impractical desire at this point - as kdt26417 said, it would likely end in a breakup down the line anyway. Better to end things now than years from now when we've become more invested in each other. And as painful as this is, it was worth it. We had a great time, and I'm not jaded or bitter about any of this. I plan to take things more slowly next time, really get to know the person and what they want out of life before I become too emotionally invested.
 
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thebizarre

New member
Also, hard drugs. Eep!

Yeah, that really bugged me. I'm fine with pot, and he told me he'd done hard drugs in the past, but I was surprised to find out that he had a little chem stash. He claims that he only keeps them for his friends who use it, but again, I have a hard time believing that. Because of the distance, all I have to go on is his word.
 
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ClockworkDragon

New member
Yeah, that really bugged me. I'm fine with pot, and he told me he'd done hard drugs in the past, but I was surprised to find out that he had a little chem stash. He claims that he only keeps them for his friends who use it, but again, I have a hard time believing that. Because of the distance, all I have to go on is his word.
As someone who has dealt with addicts in the past... don't believe it. There's a "joke" in Al Anon (basically, AA for the family, if you're not familiar with it.):

How can you tell when an addict is lying?
Their mouth is moving!

Seriously though, never trust someone willing to keep that in their home. They don't "keep it for friends" -- unless they consider themselves the friends in question. When someone is addicted, their personality absolutely changes... and not for the better. That alone could account for the changes you've seen.

Stay away. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, even without the extra complications of distance and substance abuse.
 
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bookbug

New member
I am always horrified when one urges his or her lover to dump another deeply loved partner. Why don't they just ask you to cut off an arm? That is not loving behavior.
 

thebizarre

New member
Seriously though, never trust someone willing to keep that in their home. They don't "keep it for friends" -- unless they consider themselves the friends in question. When someone is addicted, their personality absolutely changes... and not for the better. That alone could account for the changes you've seen.
This is a very good point, and something I hadn't thought about. I've never had to deal with an addict. He is addiction prone. He mentioned having other non-substance related addiction issues in the past. He even seemed addicted to ME at one point. I never fully bought the "I just keep this kind of stuff around" story. I really wouldn't be surprised to find out that he's an addict of some sort.
 

thebizarre

New member
Well, it's done. I ended things with him last night. The beginning of the conversation was so sweet, loving, natural. I really started having nagging, last minute doubts. I stuck to my resolve however, and ended things. The hardest part was seeing him break down into tears (we were on facetime). It was a struggle, but I didn't cry. I wanted him to know that I was serious, and not just being emotional.

So, where do we go from here? I know I need to go easy go myself for the next few days, keep myself busy, and resist the urge to make a bunch of sad playlists on Spotify lol. The pain is still fresh, and I haven't had a chance to fully process it yet. I'll see my therapist this morning, and hopefully it will be a helpful session.

Thanks again to everyone who replied and gave me gentle, honest feedback on the situation. You all pretty much reaffirmed what I'd been feeling, but without the emotional element that complicated things so much for me. I'll still be around - posting, reading, learning. Loving this forum so far :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Breaking up involves a grieving process. You'll have to be patient with yourself and the process. You'll have to go through the various stages of grief. (You may have to go through some stages more than once).

You'll need moral support, so let Polyamory.com be one source of that support. I am very sympathetic as you go through what I know is a painful time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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