She's dating couples, which makes me more comfortable, because they have a relationship, and my wife is a friend with benefits. I understand what you are getting at, so thank you for that.I think you could plump for radical honesty. Either say you don't want open marriage at this time, or go ahead and open it, without any restrictions like "no dating men," and let it find its natural level. Just have agreements for safer sex practices and each of you having your own checking accounts to pay for your dates.
Will either of you be changing jobs or other things so you can have more time together?
Does she prefer you thinking you are shit so you do lots of acts of service for her benefit? Doesn't she want you to actually get well?
What do you need to actually be happy? Or, if that's too much to think about, what do you need to be at peace or neutral? Are you able to articulate that?
Is feeling happy one of those "too good to be true" things for you, like you don't really trust it?
I am thinking of changing jobs, and she might retire at the end of the school year (she is a teacher), so that will really change things. I REALLY don't want her with two men. I can't compete with one, let alone 2 men. She had that before I met her and I know she loved it.
She doesn't want me to feel shitty, I don't think, but she does love that I do everything for her. She knows it's part of it, because I've told her as much. But I do believe she wants me to be well.
Asking what I need to be happy is a really difficult question. I don't know. I've never really been happy in my life. I have happy moments and I'm not always miserable, but have been a lot of the time. It drove me to drinking heavily. I've only been sober since 2019. I am usually in a state of cautious optimism, with a large amount of anxiety. The anxiety keeps me from real happiness.
After she cheated on me, the PTSD from it has kept me in a state of quiet panic of when it would happen again, or something like this was going to happen. I have PTSD from prior to that, from my upbringing being less than ideal, and having no good relationships prior to meeting my wife, so even in the beginning of our relationship, I was worried she would find someone better. I feel like I don't deserve happiness, since I've never felt happy with an unhealthy amount of fear and sadness. I would be ok with just getting to ok. Please just let me be ok.