How do Monos cope with Polys?

[Midnight]

Hi guys
ok - my last post was too long and boring - sorry.

Just wanna know how you cope as a mono, who has no interest in falling in love with anyone else. When your husband falls in love with someone and wants a 'special' (though not sexual) relationship with her.

I feel a bit ashamed in front of all of you, cos it's not even sexual - it's just a romantic friendship they seem to want.

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?
Should we all meet up together and talk about it?
Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?

Is this too boring for you interesting people?
xxx

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Hi Midnight,
It's not boring at all but I don't understand what a romantic relationship without sex is all about? I am really missing something here. Are you sure he knows what he wants?

 

[River]

Romantic friendship has existed, and presumably still exists. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship

But Monov... is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

EDIT:

Oh... yes, the wikipedia "Romantic Friendship" article is about same-sex "romantic friendships" -- but I'm sure there have been "romantic friendships" between guys and gals as well. That is: really profound and personal love without a sexual relationship.

 

[NeonKaos]

But Monov... is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

Ya more important, is HE sure he knows what he wants?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?
Should we all meet up together and talk about it?
Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?

Is this too boring for you interesting people?
xxx

Being almost fanatically mono I think I should give a little feedback LOL!

While it is perfectly ok to explore different approaches to loving as long as you are willing and healthy in doing so, there is a certain amount of risk involved.

If you are wired mono like myself, which it sounds like you are, and end up forming a new connection it may cost your husband his wife. I'm saying may, not will. I am very black and white and very sure of how my heart and mind work.

If you try to force your nature to accommodate a new lover, your nature will probably override your intention of maintaining more than one connection of this kind. Romantic, sexual love connections are very different than the love of children or family members. In some people such as me, that connection is completely fulfilled by one person and trust me, faking it with another is not easy and will lead to trouble.

Yes - you should definitely all meet up and talk about it. There has to be a better understanding of what each individual expects.

Definitely allow yourself to feel jealousy and tell your partner about it. Don't let it control you though, analyse it and seek the issues behind those feelings. When you get to the root of your jealousy it is then that you will be able to determine if you can handle this type of relationship.

My situation is much different than yours. I came into an established marriage with holds great respect and power for me. Although I have a romantic/intimate relationship just with Redpepper, I consider myself in a relationship with her and her husband almost as though they are one. That makes my healthy involvement much different than if I was put in your shoes.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Hi Midnight..I'm cutting a comment of yours out of "sharing success and happiness" so I can respond here...

it is humbling for me to read about this...
I'm new to all of this - feel scared - feel small hearted - cos I want to keep my husband to myself - not have him be with the other woman he's kinda fallen in love with.... but the loving way you all care for each others feelings is awe inspiring - i'm gonna have to keep opening up to this I think, even though it's scary and it hurts

My situation is different than yours...I would react much differently if I was in your situation. You are encouraged to explore new relationship aproaches but certainly do not "have to" do anything!!

Read some of my other posts so you get the full journey and picture. You are not small hearted I truly believe there are very few people who can overcome the hurdles having a Mono/Poly relationship generate...did I mention you are not small hearted?

Take care
Mono

 

[Midnight]

Hi Midnight,
It's not boring at all but I don't understand what a romantic relationship without sex is all about? I am really missing something here. Are you sure he knows what he wants?

He tells me he doesn't want sex with her - although he is attracted to her (she's 20 years younger than him, and very beautiful). An awful lot of our friends think he's kidding himself about the sex bit, but he insists it's not sexual for him.... He's sexually very fulfilled with me - if that's relevant.... Praps i need to check this with him a bit more...

 

[Midnight]

Romantic friendship has existed, and presumably still exists. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship

But Monov... is right to ask "Are you sure he knows what he wants?"

EDIT:

Oh... yes, the wikipedia "Romantic Friendship" article is about same-sex "romantic friendships" -- but I'm sure there have been "romantic friendships" between guys and gals as well. That is: really profound and personal love without a sexual relationship.

I think this might be what he's after. They have a very intellectual relationship. Passionate - but not physical. But it could have developed that way cos he wants to keep that boundary to protect us and our marriage - more to look into I guess....

 

[Midnight]

You're very kind - thank you. I'll absorb this and see where it all takes me....
thanks again for your thoughts.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Considering the age difference here I could see this either one of two ways. A) Denial of a very real desire to have sex or the need to cultivate almost a father/daughter love.

Romantic friendship is way to vague for me in this and is much more understandable in a same sex situation for me...if he said "deep" friendship I would have a different feeling about this. The word romantic is pretty specific when speaking of men and woman to most people.

 

[Midnight]

He says he doesn't sexualise her. Although he's just told me that he has wanted to kiss her. So I'm a bit confused now (in fact I'm f.....d off!!). I think he is confused. I think he should search around this site, and start working out for himself what he wants!

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Yeah..he's holding back in my opinion...maybe not intentionally but I bet he knows in his heart. There is also what she wants..she's young, in love perhaps, legitimately not wanting more intimacy is not very common I would think.
Kissing someone you love is very powerful. It's a landslide that is hard to stop.

 

[Fidelia]

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?

NO! Definitely not. Trust your instincts. Be true to yourself.

Should we all meet up together and talk about it?

Yes. Definitely.

Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?

It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

Is this too boring for you interesting people?

Goodness, no, sweetie! We are all here to help one another!

 

[Midnight]

Thanks for this Fidelia. You're all amazingly sweet.

got another question - which I'll post in the right place, with a quote....
x

 

[Midnight]

You all seem to be saying we should all get together and talk about it.

here's my question :

This all started about 2 years ago. After meeting her, and exploring the idea of them having a 'friendship', I decided i couldn't trust it (they'd bee lying to me). I eventually asked my husband to choose between the two of us. He chose me. They've been missing each other ever since, and had the occasional email contact. If I open things up again, and invite a conversation, I'm worried that commits me in some way. Is it fair on her, for me to invite her into a conversation, if I'm not sure I want to commit to anything? I'm not even sure I can trust her really.

 

[Fidelia]

If you open a discussion on the topic, that's what you're committing to: a discussion. Also, how could any of you make any committments to each other without first thoroughly discussing the issues at hand?

If they had been lying to you, I for one wouldn't blame you if you shut down altogether to the possibility of signing on for more of the same. So the fact that you are even open to discussing the issue speaks well of your open mindedness and desire to see that all of you are having your needs met. But it is not selfish to protect your heart, especially in cases where it's been put at risk in the past. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your personal integrity. How can I love someone else until I first find and nurture that love inside myself?

I'm not even sure I can trust her really.

Is it that you are not sure you can trust her, or is it that you already distrust her? If you're not sure, perhaps you can open the door to building trust. If you distrust her, you're done and there's nothing left to discuss. (IMO. I would not waste time discussing becoming involved with someone I distrust.)

 

[Midnight]

I really like your clear thinking. Thank you
xx

 

[Midnight]

It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. Almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that - I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont). I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Have the same feeling about sex - it's a sacred union - it's exclusive which is what for me makes it sacred.... (luckily he's not challenging me on that one - seems mono himself when it comes to sex)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?

 

[Fidelia]

I really like your clear thinking. Thank you
xx

I'm so glad I could help. Sometimes it's easy to see another person's situation more clearly than our own. That's one of the things I love about this forum. Many views, many voices.

 

[Midnight]

It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. Almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that - I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont). I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Have the same feeling about sex - it's a sacred union - it's exclusive which is what for me makes it sacred.... (luckily he's not challenging me on that one - seems mono himself when it comes to sex)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?

I'm wondering if you missed this question I posted - about dealing with the jealousy feelings, and getting support around the feelings of insecurity.... sorry if I'm hassling...