How do you handle that "first time"?

X

X-User1335

Inactive
And by first time, I mean the first time that your SO is with someone else sexually without you there?

In our situation we're a triad so we all share and share alike. I have mixed feelings on her and him being alone.

I do want it for them. I know it'll make them that much closer. I know it'll build their relationship that much more. I know it's a good thing.

I also know I'll be jealous!! Not to the point that I won't want them to, because I very much do. More along the lines of I have it planned that I'll have a few beers and take my butt to bed that night. :)

Anyway, I'm just wondering how everyone else has handled the green monster.

PS...yes I'll have time with her alone also, it's not that, it's more just a question to see how everyone deals with the first encounter of jealousy.
 
jennjuice said:
I also know I'll be jealous!! Not to the point that I won't want them to, because I very much do. More along the lines of I have it planned that I'll have a few beers and take my butt to bed that night. :)
Click to expand...

How about going out, to a movie, or shopping, or to dinner with a friend? That way you're not moping around drunk trying to not pay attention to the heavy breathing and bumping going on in the next room.

I mean, shit, I don't know what your living quarters are like, but it seems to me that you're beating yourself up unnecessarily if you stay there and have to drink yourself to sleep in order to deal with it. Go drinking somewhere else, and have a GOOD time instead of a tolerable time.

Besides, how will you feel when the tables are turned, if your man was inches or feet away under the same roof wishing he could go in there and join you.

Get yourself out of the house the first time, then talk about it afterwards. Eventually, it won't be that big of a deal.

I must say that it surprises me that you haven't had sex with each other separately already. I thought your relationship was stable and "normalized". But then again, I don't read every single thread on here so I'm probably just under-informed of my own fault.
 
I really don't write everything, so even if you did read all of my threads you wouldn't know everything, know what I mean? ;)

But yeah, I see your point. A movie and hanging out with a friend the "first time" is a very good idea.

And since it hasn't happened yet who knows, I may not even have any twinge of jealousy at all. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.

Jealousy is a normal feeling though. People do experience it and I know I need to not expect myself to not feel it...........but still, I am hoping I won't.

Anyone have any stories to share about jealousy?
 
Jealousy stories

@ Jenjuice re interesting jealousy stories. You're in luck, I wrote mine up on my blog .
http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com/polyamorous-people/2010/07/polyamory-journeying-from-jealousy-to-compersion.html

At the time I was a total mess but I now see it as a kind of "jealousy crisis". I've felt jealousy since but never as bad. This happened over two years ago and I can still relate to the feelings but I can also see some humor in it now.

Can anyone else relate to a "jealousy crisis"? When you're hit by it like an emotional ton of bricks and all rational thought goes flying out the window?
 
Sage that was a great read. Not because you went through that pain but it does show that most people go through some form of jealousy in this type of relationship. I do have to say that I don't think mine will ever be like that because no matter what I can always go hop in the middle! LOL!

I don't think I could do this any other way. Thankfully none of us want to.

I commend you so much for writing that and sharing it. It couldn't be easy to even dredge those memories back up of your pain. :(

I was stuck to it like I was when I first read Twilight! LOL! I'm really happy the weekend ended up the way it did, and that those texts were in fact deleted. Thank you again for sharing this with me!
 
Maybe there is too much focus on the idea of the first time or knowing the specific day it happens. I have no idea when Redpepper and Derby became physical. All I needed to know is that they were exploring an intimate relationship. If they were doing that then I naturally assumed sexual activity will occur. The details and times of that activity are not something I need or want to know..it's between them. (I'm a bit of a privacy nut to the point of assuming everyone feels the same about intimate details LOL. I realize not everyone has the same sense of ownership over experiences and info.)

The same idea applies to her other love (tertiary is the word I guess but it lacks in meaning), they have been sexual in the past and probably will be in the future; he's with a mono girlfriend right now so they are "on hold". I don't need to know when they resume the physical aspect of their relationship nor do I want to know...I just know it is part of that relationship.

Now Polynerdist is a different story all together! While I certainly don't need to know every time they have sex, I do like hearing that they are enjoying a healthy and exciting sex life.

I remember when my ex wife went to a mutual friends house to possibly explore a sexual relationship with her. I helped her get ready and held the door for her. After 10 minutes of thinking "wow, she's gonna have sex with another woman!" I got sick and had a horrible night. Perhaps if I hadn't of focussed so much on that particular night and we hadn't made such a big deal of what was planned to happen I would have been much better.

I hope some of this made sense...gotta go pick RP's son up and get camping!!
 
@jenjuice

Thanks for the nice feedback.:D

I totally agree with you re triads. I decided that our relationship would be easier on me if I was not so tied up with be mono. I initially investigated having a relationship with another guy but he really had no idea about polyamory, all the usual "my wife doesn't understand me" crap. He was just looking for a "poly, get out of jail free card".

But good news is we may have found ourselves a unicorn!! Lots of really good communication online and via text and we're all meeting up tomorrow.


Oh and I was thinking about this while gardening and I realized that one of the reasons I had this jealousy crisis was because neither of us really knew what the hell we were doing. A good understanding of polyamory should mitigate a lot of jealousy pain.


Big Smiles
 
Last edited:
I agree with you Sage when you say that a good understanding of poly will help the jealousy feelings.

I also believe that a whole lot of talking with deminsh those thoughts and feelings also. The three of us have talked until we are blue in the face about anything like this ever coming up. We all three promised to each other that if any one of us ever do feel this way, no matter what the others are doing, they will stop in their tracks and talk to the person feeling outed. I know I never want my husband or my girlfriend to feel bad in any way, and if I can prevent it I will. Lucky for me they feel the same about each other and me.

I'm a big talker. I think if you lay it all out there, have no surprises, etc that you can get through about anything. I have to be mentally preped to deal with certain things. I'm weird like that. ;)
 
I haven't really had to face this too much. Most of the time A and I have either been in triads, one long term. and even then it was me and the other or all of us together when it came to sex. (they did spend a lot of time together out of bed, and I am sure there was some physical affection, or at least I hope there was. I will have to ask A.) Or Vish relationships with me as the hinge.

Only once has A been the hinge in a V and it was extremely short lived. We had led up to it for months online. When they finally managed to get together rl it happened to line up with my semi-annual trek 3000 miles with kids to see my parents. I was so busy I didn't have time to do much more than call him twice a day to check in. Never even thought about worrying about it. Very shortly after that she (lady A was with) had a very serious health crisis. It stopped everything but friendship and love (no sex of any kind cold) we stayed in touch until she passed away. Hard emotionally but not in the same way.

But I have never had to face me sitting at home, alone, wondering about it. I will have to think about that. I want to think I would be fine. Hmm
 
Majik,

I am in a triad. I don't worry about when they are out, that has never entered my mind. Humm....maybe I should be more of a thinker! LOL

To get right down to business, the real worry I have is one night they will decide to be together and I won't like it.

I don't want to feel that way and I want to make sure before it happens that I don't. I want to make sure that I feel nothing but happiness the first night they are together, alone.

I want it for them both, just as I know he wants it for her and I. I know he'll have this same question in his head, though we've never discussed it. Maybe that's the key. I am a big talker, but I have to yet speak to him about it. I suppose I need to. I think I need to talk to them both and let them both know how much I want the connection between them to be tight and boom in such a way that will make the clouds shutter! :)

I just don't want to feel jealous when they do it.

Honestly, I don't think I will.

I love her..........I love him. They both love me. I know that is a undenyable fact. I think I just helped myself by writing this response!

It's simple really. I love them, they love me, and they love each other. I'm not left out in that. Anything they do alone together I'll somehow be a part of because I'm a part of them both.

I love that. :)
 
That sounds like something really important to keep in mind. And yes keep talking, if it turns out that there are feelings that suprise you. Talk about them, maybe journal them first so you can get them clear in your own mind. But it sounds like you are on the right track.

Majik
 
Fear

Hey Jen,

Damn you're so much like someone I know ! :)

Creating problems before they actually appear.

Maybe (likely) you will feel some twinge of jealousy. But you've done all this hard work understanding what jealousy truly roots in - right ?????

So when it happens you'll be able to identify it, take it out and look at it, and toss it away as an incompatible animal emotion. Right ?

But playing with the tiger before he appears will only make him bigger and scarier. Maybe better to assume he may (or may NOT) appear and just have your weapon loaded. Spend enough time in the jungle and it's more likely eventually you may need it. But until you do just sling it.

GS
 
Grounded, that's my plan. Learn all there is out there on it and if and when it rears it's ugly head be able to toss it away, where it belongs!!

PS..who do I remind you of? ;)
 
First Time Jealousy

Maybe other people react to this differently, but to me there's a logical part of the mind and then there's something instinctive, and even when it's me I don't have complete control of the instinctive part. Some people may be better suited to sharing mates, possibly a cultural thing, I'm really not sure. In some societies it's normal, everyone does it, no big deal. Most of us in the States were raised otherwise, possibly not all of us. But, I've seen jealousy arise in the partners of my partners even if they weren't new to the concept of polyamory, especially when the relationships were more than casual. Possibly among men it's an ego-driven process, if you're "the best" it's ok, and if you think you have a real competitor it's not. I've seen this in myself just recently, from the other side of the coin so to speak, and even though I recognized what was happening it still took three weeks to process and burn out. The instinctive mind gets bored and looks for something else to do after awhile, fortunately. Until it reaches that point life is horrible. Fascinating process to watch, miserable to be trapped in it, eventually if you're patient you can work through it. If the misery is centered on someone else -- someone else has the jealousy problem -- I'm not sure what the right solution is. I've sometimes backed away to make things easier on the people I care about, but there may be better answers than that. Actually I'd hope there are, because that one always sucks.
 
sage said:
@ Jenjuice re interesting jealousy stories. You're in luck, I wrote mine up on my blog .
http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com/polyamorous-people/2010/07/polyamory-journeying-from-jealousy-to-compersion.html

At the time I was a total mess but I now see it as a kind of "jealousy crisis". I've felt jealousy since but never as bad. This happened over two years ago and I can still relate to the feelings but I can also see some humor in it now.

Can anyone else relate to a "jealousy crisis"? When you're hit by it like an emotional ton of bricks and all rational thought goes flying out the window?
Click to expand...

Sage, I could completely relate to that feeling. I have felt it before. I have lived it before. I could see myself in your story.
The thing is... It wasn't a "jealousy crisis" for me. I never saw it as that. I never thought of it as that.
For me, it was a terrible, terrible experience of abandonment and loneliness. I've actually experienced it a couple of times, each worse than the next.
But there was never another woman involved. Never. And it wasn't always my boyfriend, either... Friends, family, too.

I'll give you my strongest one: I was supposed to have my first time (ever) and my boyfriend never showed up. I called him, he didn't answer. I had the apartment (my parents', at the time) to myself for that day, had planned out the whole evening, he never came.
I was left alone and it was horrible. Every second that past I resented him more. As I finally fell asleep after an incredibly long night of calling, texting, crying, I just felt empty.
It turned out the next day that he had spent the night in the hospital... Nothing too serious, he was out the next day, but it was definitely something I could understand, and certainly not his fault. It didn't "fix" the fact that I was left so lonely, but most of the negative feelings just vanished. Oh, so he hadn't abandoned me. He hadn't left me. He was still there. Really, in the end, I was kind of the one who hadn't been there for him, in a way. It really changed my perspective on the whole thing.

That feeling, I believe, at least in my case, isn't jealousy. It's loneliness, abandonment, the feeling of not being appreciated, not being important. In your story Sage, I feel like it might have been the same thing. I could be wrong but tell me, if it had been a business trip rather than going to see his other girlfriend, and the rest had happened exactly the same way, would you have felt the same, or would it have been different?
Your feelings had nothing to do with his girlfriend I feel (and I'm sorry if I'm completely mistaken), they had to do with you, and how it made you feel.

I've worked on myself to be less dependent on people and realise that things do happen. When someone doesn't answer their phone, I used to assume they were either upset with me or too busy having fun to answer. But now I realise that's not the case.
I think it takes a lot of trusting to stop feeling that way. You need to trust that even though they're away and not in contact with you, these people still care about you, and you're still important to them. Just like they're still important to you. In the end, for me it turned out to be my own insecurities talking, and the reason why the person or people in question couldn't be reached was irrelevant to that. And the time, with no contact, no knowledge of what they were, what they were doing, I obsessed and imagined the worst and fell into a depressive state, mixed with a lot of resentment because they "were hurting me", and "if they loved me they wouldn't be doing that to me", but really, I was doing it to myself.

So, I recognise myself in your story, but in my case at the very least, I wouldn't say it was jealousy. I'd say it was abandonment, possibly withdrawal, and a lack of self-confidence. I've always seen jealousy as being directed at "the other one", or at least something where "the other one" is relevant, but in your case you're not talking about how you thought she was better, or that he loved her more than you, you were annoyed that you couldn't reach him and it made you feel like he had brushed you off.

I realise I wasn't there and might just be projecting my experience on yours, so I'm sorry if I seem out of line there.
 
Tonberry said:
That feeling, I believe, at least in my case, isn't jealousy. It's loneliness, abandonment, the feeling of not being appreciated, not being important........

I've worked on myself to be less dependent on people and realise that things do happen. When someone doesn't answer their phone, I used to assume they were either upset with me or too busy having fun to answer. But now I realise that's not the case.

I think it takes a lot of trusting to stop feeling that way. You need to trust that even though they're away and not in contact with you, these people still care about you, and you're still important to them. Just like they're still important to you. In the end, for me it turned out to be my own insecurities talking, and the reason why the person or people in question couldn't be reached was irrelevant to that. And the time, with no contact, no knowledge of what they were, what they were doing, I obsessed and imagined the worst and fell into a depressive state, mixed with a lot of resentment because they "were hurting me", and "if they loved me they wouldn't be doing that to me", but really, I was doing it to myself.
Click to expand...

I like this. It backs up my theory of jealousy for myself. There is always something behind jealousy. Until I find what's behind it or at the bottom of it, it is jealousy. I have to walk right up to the feelings and pull them all a part. Jealousy is not one emotion/feeling, it is many all lumped together. Once pulled a part, then it becomes something a group of feelings, as you have said above Tonberry.

We, as a culture are not used to feeling envy or jealousy. It makes us feel uncomfortable and we try to avoid what makes us uncomfortable. That isn't always the best plan I don't think because it doesn't move us forward. When it comes to poly people being jealous, we really do need to look at it because often other people are relying on us to.

Tonberry said:
I've always seen jealousy as being directed at "the other one", or at least something where "the other one" is relevant, but in your case you're not talking about how you thought she was better, or that he loved her more than you, you were annoyed that you couldn't reach him and it made you feel like he had brushed you off.
Click to expand...

This is an interesting thought. hmmmm... so what you are saying is that its only jealousy if it's to do with someone else, rather than how one feels about a situation?

I think it can easily be both. But I hadn't thought of different kinds of jealousy....

neon offers some great threads. I hope that they were helpful. doing a tag search might help you find more.
 
redpepper said:
This is an interesting thought. hmmmm... so what you are saying is that its only jealousy if it's to do with someone else, rather than how one feels about a situation?
Click to expand...

It seems to me jealousy is wanting what someone else has, and resenting that person for having it when you don't/ when you want to be the only person to. With that definition, there needs to be another person to be jealous of, right?

It could very well be that my definition is at fault, mind you. I see jealousy as being angry at other people for what they have, or feeling bad that you, in comparison, don't have it.
The feeling on loneliness wasn't really a comparison to someone else. I didn't think my boyfriend was with someone else, didn't care about it much. I only cared that he was neglecting me, from my point of view.

I can see how they can be linked if you're being neglected because of another person, but then you have to ask yourself, "am I feeling bad only because I am neglected, or also because the other person is treated well?"
I feel that a jealous person tends to still feel jealous when they are NOT being neglected.

But I guess you are right that jealousy can take many forms.

EDIT: To give more examples of what I mean:

Imagine a woman is okay with her straight husband hanging out with his male friends, but not with his female friends. From the woman's point, it is the same lack of time spent with him. The difference comes from who that time is spent with. Therefore I see that as jealousy.

It can be situational too though. If it's fine to spend the night and play videogames, but not spend the night and have sex, that's also a form of jealousy, because it's tied to the activity.

But in my case, whether he was hanging out with friends, male or female, playing videogames or having sex, that wasn't a concern at all. The problem was that he wasn't there with me when he was supposed to and to me it meant "you're not important".

So I guess it felt like a different category of emotion to me, purely self-centred and not focused on what he was doing, but on the fact I wasn't enjoying his company. If that clarifies it in any way.
 
Last edited:
Tonberry said:
It seems to me jealousy is wanting what someone else has, and resenting that person for having it when you don't/ when you want to be the only person to. With that definition, there needs to be another person to be jealous of, right?
Click to expand...

wouldn't that other person be the one he is spending time with? the other person he is treating well? is excited to be with? wouldn't that be wanting what they have, in other words your partners time? resenting that they are spending time with them and not with you?

This can happen even if you spend tons of time with a partner. Sometimes, I think the jealousy of which we speak is akin to an ache as dynamics adjust to fit in another. There seems to be an element of uncomfortableness as another person is added to ones life... the balance goes off in the whole tribe when dynamics change. Even if we may be perfectly compersioning all over the place, there still can be an uncomfort that presents as jealousy... or perhaps envy.

Tonberry said:
So I guess it felt like a different category of emotion to me, purely self-centred and not focused on what he was doing, but on the fact I wasn't enjoying his company. If that clarifies it in any way.
Click to expand...

Yes, the activity at hand can also make a huge difference... mostly because if a partner has decided to go and play video games once a week at a friends house then there is likely to be no after emotions attached to that. They will come home and life carries on... with them going over to a new girlfriends house to get to know them better and have sex, the likelihood of them coming home with an emotional component is high. That kind of dynamic can mean more of a struggle with jealousy of the type we are talking about.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top