How do you have time to be poly?

[Spock]

I've got two kids under 5. For now my husband and I trade off time taking care of the kids. My youngest still needs me at bedtime, so I don't leave the house until she's asleep, which still gives me a couple of hours to socialize. And every few weekends I take the kids out of the house for a few hours so he and his girlfriend (who also has kids) can have some time alone.

It works for us. And more importantly, it works for our kids.

That doesn't sound like a lot of time for anyone, and it also sounds like you are losing sleep.

As they get older and get more school activities, their bedtime will move up accordingly, and you will lose the evening hours. It sounds like it might be possible for you to blend your husband's GF with yours, but that doesn't help your loves.

 

[SpringtimeMama]

It doesn't give us a lot of time with other people, but it's what we can manage. Thank goodness for instant messaging! I am running a sleep deficit, but as a nursing mother that's so normal to me that I don't notice it much. I'm at home with the kids, so we all nap at nap time. In another year or so my youngest will wean and then some evenings I will not be home for bedtime, just as some nights my husband is out for meetings or events.

We take each day as it comes and renegotiate our availabilities as necessary. Thankfully our friends and loves have been understanding about it.

 

[Eponine]

Relationship anarchy! I like that.

I'd been trying to come up with a term for this idea, myself.

I may step on some toes with this - apologies in advance! - but I've been thinking of drawing from a half-remembered second-hand knowledge of radical theories about identity by coining the term "relationship-queer".

The half-remembered bit - which I associate with the term "queer theory" - is that gender identity is a wide field between the poles of masculine and feminine, a field on which we can and should play freely.

I'm not gender-queer, myself, but maybe I'm relationship-queer. I've written about this elsewhere, but I imagine wide field (or space, or n-dimensional space) of possibilities . . . etc.

"Relationship anarchy" might accomplish the same thing, but maybe with overtones of danger . . .

Yeah, that makes sense. Just like queer theory says a person doesn't have to fit in the box of "male" or "female", relationship anarchy says a relationship doesn't have to fit in the rigid category of "just a friendship", "fwb", or "romantic relationship". I've also heard some people with unconventional relationship styles use "queer" to describe their relationships.

You may be interested in reading the wiki entry of relationship anarchy and the references.

 

[wildflowers]

I have 2 kids under 10, and both my husband and I work full time and have some (non-relationship) activities outside of the house, so finding relationship time can be challenging. I don't think I could have managed poly when the kids were under 5 unless with someone I worked with. I was just too tired!

I manage it now, but not at all in the form that I initially expected, and the adjusting of expectations along the way was not always easy. Both my life and my boyfriend's are very home-centric; it is simply expected that kids/families will take priority and get the bulk of time. He and I manage to carve out a few hours each week, though. We have a pretty reliable routine for meeting after work. It's mostly just talking time - not that much by way of formal activities or intimate time. It has been frustrating at times to have such limited opportunities to share some of the normal aspects of life, but we value what we do have, and we're very close emotionally. Its very unusual for him; he's been far more prone to flings that end when the NRE wears off.

The anarchy idea is useful here - it's much easier to simply enjoy what we have if it's not always being judged against a particular model and found wanting.

 

[Ariakas]

Maybe I have an oversubscribed life; married with two kids under 8 and in school. We barely have time for each other after work, homework, and family time, sometimes.

Is it that the poly with kids actually share the kids and so the parents can take a break in order to strengthen their relationship? Not quite poly, but I have a sister in law who helps to watch the kids several times a month just so wife and I can have date nights, which makes it even harder to find time for other people, as well. My wife has considered a 'work-boyfriend' a possibility because then she would have an excuse to spend time with someone without losing time for the kids and me.

Me, I don't have a clue how I'll find time for anyone at all. How do you guys and girls manage?

I am married, co-parent 2 kids, have 1 kid on the way thats mine, and another that I will co-parent after as well. Include a gf and an over full time when I can be a bit of a workaholic.

We manage, we get each other time off per se. We just make it happen. We do co-parent so there is 4 of us managing the kids. That helps a lot. But we also prioritize life. Instead of just the daily grind.

 

[alibabe_muse]

It's challenging but it does work

Maybe I have an oversubscribed life; married with two kids under 8 and in school. We barely have time for each other after work, homework, and family time, sometimes.

Is it that the poly with kids actually share the kids and so the parents can take a break in order to strengthen their relationship? Not quite poly, but I have a sister in law who helps to watch the kids several times a month just so wife and I can have date nights, which makes it even harder to find time for other people, as well. My wife has considered a 'work-boyfriend' a possibility because then she would have an excuse to spend time with someone without losing time for the kids and me.

Me, I don't have a clue how I'll find time for anyone at all. How do you guys and girls manage?

Try scheduling and managing life with only one vehicle, complicated but it does work out. Husband and I started out that he gets 2 days with another and I get 2 days. Due to my not having another husband has been requesting extra time with girlfriend. I've said go for it but I now realize my 2 days, should stay mine whether I have a date or not. This way I don't get tied down at home all the time.

What helps for us is husband's weekends are Tues & Wed, mine are Sat & Sun. Both of us are at work before 8 am, work straight through, lunch at the end of the day so we're off work early.

As far as the kids, the teen takes up a lot of our early evening hours with soccer practice but another parent has offered to take her a few times as we always help out with her kid (that was an awesome offer without having to ask for it). But if our date is set for the evening we don't usually leave until after 7 or later. Yes that means we may not get much sleep that night but we find being with our others is well worth that loss.

Our oldest is 13 years older than the youngest and one in the middle. The age differences actually help us to have lives outside the family. Ideally we'd like to be family-oriented with other loved ones. We've told the oldest that we are poly because of this. So far so good.

If you meet someone and you want to spend time with them, you'll figure it out. We all do. Time management is hard but can be done. Now the husband works days rather than nights, he is getting more time with the kids, more time with me and now actually has time to date. Prior to Sept I had been a sahm for 8 months. I had too much time on my hands but was never able to really meet someone because husband worked nights (the one car issue). I guess when it was complicated and not much availability when we started has made now seem easier for us to figure out scheduling.

I could see an issue with time with others if your other is mono and not seeing anyone else. Then they could feel left out due to your obligations. A friend told me the other day, he's seeing a mono lady, next time if I date a single woman she must be poly. I think he feels that a poly person has more empathy to availability than one who isn't, in that time management doesn't become such a burden and others don't feel lost being alone.

 

[wildflowers]

But we also prioritize life. Instead of just the daily grind.

This is a very important point. I never get through everything on my to do list, but I make a much greater effort these days to find time for the things that make me happy.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I take the time now before I have children. By the time I get them, hopefully poly life will be established already People make different things their priorities, I will make poly life (and other life) mine. I want to live with both of my men in the same house or at least close by. As of now, I make what I can out of the long distance relationship, actually I think it would be easier should they both live with me because we could all have more "natural time" together. Anyway, other priorities are also important, I don't want to loose sight of friends or working out, I guess with kids you tend to do things a little differently but that also depends on where you live and how commuting is and so on.

I would never take my kids to soccer pracice, I would expect them to get to acticities on their own unless it was really far away. If they have started school, they are old enough to do many things by themselves. That being said, I could get a child who needed extra supervision, one never knows.

My husband currently has no other than me, but of course he has other things in his life; school, work, workout, friends, hobbies... He can take the time he needs for things he wants to do, from his spare time. I have to take of my time to be with my boyfriend. And we do have to have some time together. And time to do the housework...

Timewise, having a boyfriend is kind of like having a best friend that you just have to see all the time. I know people who talk to their best friend every day for hours. It is a little bit like that, plus taking off your clothes

 

[Spock]

I guess with two kids I feel like I'm already in a poly relationship. I spend about as much time with my two children as I do my wife, and it feels like (at this point) trying to find time for someone else would then compete with either of them.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Well, I guess I gotta ask, why try then? Is having additional relationships important right now? It would be one thing if you'd already fallen for someone and were trying to make it work, but if your life is already full, why seek to add to it? You can be poly in spirit -- not restricting of each other's ability to love others -- without seeking to do anything about it in practice.

Also, I just noticed that this thread is tagged "working mother" but not "working father", just sayin'.

 

[InsaneMystic]

Well, I guess I gotta ask, why try then? Is having additional relationships important right now? It would be one thing if you'd already fallen for someone and were trying to make it work, but if your life is already full, why seek to add to it? You can be poly in spirit -- not restricting of each other's ability to love others -- without seeking to do anything about it in practice.

I wonder for how many folks it's like it's for me - "always open, never actively looking".

 

[hersweetleaf]

this is fascinating to me.

hubs works 5 days a week, 8-4. I stay home (I don't drive ) and take care of our child as well as the house responsibilities, bill payments, cooking, etc etc. so to me, I don't feel like I have time to do this poly thing. but I want to try. so we alternate between grandparents, although they are getting a bit old (complaining all the time that picking him up hurts etc) so its hard to leave him to go explore ourselves and our new found status.

the relationship we are trying to forge with a woman we met a few months back has been mostly just us, she has met our son once and she adores him, because her sister has a 4 year old she sees and takes care of so shes good with kids. that is a huge thing for me, it took me a long time to feel comfortable with her meeting our son, we didn't want her or even him forming an attachment and then decide down the road that she doesn't want to see us anymore, it would take a toll I think.

but, sometimes I wonder, whose going to find a housewife, stay at home mom who doesn't drive attractive, or relationship worthy?

 

[LovingRadiance]

I wonder for how many folks it's like it's for me - "always open, never actively looking".

Raises hand.
Even when I was mono this was true of me.
I just don't understand "actively looking".

I socialize. I make friends. Sometimes those friends become more.
But I don't "date" to meet people. Never have, probably never will.

 

[AnnabelMore]

but, sometimes I wonder, whose going to find a housewife, stay at home mom who doesn't drive attractive, or relationship worthy?

Someone who sees people as people, and doesn't judge them on their superficial qualities. Who doesn't look down on someone for focusing on her family, or for lacking a certain skill. Exactly the sort of person you'd want to be involved with, in other words.

 

[LovingRadiance]

but, sometimes I wonder, whose going to find a housewife, stay at home mom who doesn't drive attractive, or relationship worthy?

No one-unless you do.
I say that with all due respect.
Because I remember feeling that way too. But the truth is that if you find yourself attractive; other people will too.

I have never, not ever one time since I turned 16, ever ever dated someone who didn't spend some of those dates with kids in tow. I have kids (had my first at 16). I am cautious about introductions to my kids. But I don't date people until they are a friend.
I socialize. As a sahm I took the kids to the parks and all sorts of activities that were kid/family friendly and started introducing myself and talking to other people that were there. I take them to LGBT events like pride parade and meet people there.
Dates and potentials come from the pool of people who are friendly and kind and considerate and foster a friendship when they DO know my kids from these types of events.

 

[Bluebird]

sometimes I wonder, whose going to find a housewife, stay at home mom who doesn't drive attractive, or relationship worthy?

hey now! I drive, but I am a stay-at-home mom. I consider myself a trophy wife. Makes me feel better about my status as a "homemaker." Plus, I sound so much more desirable, dontcha think?

 

[hersweetleaf]

hey now! I drive, but I am a stay-at-home mom. I consider myself a trophy wife. Makes me feel better about my status as a "homemaker." Plus, I sound so much more desirable, dontcha think?

i consider myself the "trophy wife" also, just one that doesn't drive. lol.
what makes us a trophy wife anyways? and do other women want a home maker/trophy wife/sahm?

 

[Bluebird]

I dunno if other women find that designation attractive. My boyfriend doesn't seem to mind though!

To me, a trophy wife doesn't work and gets to be arm candy. Whenever I am feeling mousy, I remember that I'm a trophy wife and then I feel fabulous.

 

[Spock]

I used auto complete. There was a working mother tag, no working father one.

This discussion is happening because I'm trying to figure out how it works because my wife has asked.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I'd sum it up like this, I think -- some people who go the marriage-and-kids route choose to make their nuclear family their whole life (not counting work or family-of-origin). That's ok! Some other people choose to make time to have a life outside of their nuclear family. That can include other friends, hobbies, classes, exercise, games, social events, or any number of things.

I think we can all agree that any working mom or dad who also works it out with their nuclear family such that they can go to a class for one night every other week, or go out with friends for coffee on occasional weekend afternoons, or whatever, is not therefore a bad partner/parent. Well, just substitute out "date" for any of the activities I've been describing above and bam, non-monogamy (and possibly poly if feelings are involved).

Now, obviously time will be limited, and any new partner who wants to get more than passingly close to the person in question will need to be able to be ok being around kids so that the relationship can extend beyond the small amount of time allocated for dates. Hopefully, with time, the new person will become close enough to the family to have both the trust from the parents and the personal interest to help out in some ways, such as babysitting from time to time, which can help the parents keep their own bond strong.

So -- are you and your wife the "nuclear family only" types or the "maintain an outside life" types? If the former, maybe let the idea of poly go. If the latter, maybe see what you could let go of in order to put dating in its place instead.