How important is it to get along with your metamour(s)?

Reverie

Active member
Some of you may know from my blog and a previous post that I've had an ongoing stressful situation with my main metamour, the co-primary of my primary. When I've written before, it's either been for blog venting/storytelling or to try to solve an acute, timely issue. This time, it is neither. I just kind of want some feedback from the community on the range of opinions on this topic and how you might have seen it play out over the long term. I want to think about it without the drama of any particular acute issue pressing down on me and muddying my emotions.

For those of you without any of the backstory, basically, I started dating a guy about a year ago who was already in a pretty casual DADT situation with another woman. He and I had been acquaintances-to-friends for about a nine-month period before we started dating, so I guess I met him right around the time they got back together (they'd previously dated monogamously some years ago). He was dating two other women for most of our friendship, one long distance, one local. The local situation blew up hard about three months before he and I started dating. The LD situation ended after we started dating, as she had hoped to "cowboy" him and realized when he was getting serious with me that it wasn't going to happen. So he went from three women to two, back to three and then two again, just this one metamour and me.

The DADT dynamic was very stressful for him and for me, so eventually, when he and I got serious, he renegotiated with her so that he could at least work out scheduling specifics without having to tiptoe around the reality of the situation. They have historically had poor communication, which has led to some spectacular expectation/reality mismatch explosions (for example, he didn't realize until August that she had been under the impression that she was to be primary and everyone else a secondary-style fling, as they'd never specifically discussed it). The relaxing of the DADT still seemed to be a step in the right direction, but she still preferred an extreme-separation policy where we never cross paths and she doesn't have to hear anything about me.

As time has passed, my boyfriend has realized that there are other ways to do poly than the one he fell into with her. He didn't know anything about poly at all before hearing about it through her, so he didn't know any better and assumed he was getting a pretty good deal. But over the past year, the number of scheduling headaches he's dealt with trying to keep everything "separate but fair" has been driving him (and me) crazy, and over the holidays it got to the point where both metamour and I were ready to break up with him over his tendency to grease the squeaky wheel in front of him at any given time rather than setting his own boundaries and advocating for his own needs.

Jolted by that experience, he's been doing a lot of soul-searching and deciding what HE wants and needs out of a relationship. He's decided that IDEALLY he wants something more inclusive and where he doesn't have to choose all the time, but he also doesn't want to just cut metamour loose if she is willing to try to change.

On my part, after first trying to reach out to her to let her know that I see myself as her teammate, not her rival, and that going poorly, I've just tried to put up some pretty sturdy walls for my own protection, where I advocate only for my own needs and wants and stay out of whatever is happening between them. One of my conditions of staying in the relationship, though, is that she and I can at least operate at the level of polite cordiality toward one another: "hello" and a wave, "please," "thank you," "excuse me," "happy birthday," "have a good night," etc.; I never want to have my night ruined by running into her and getting the stink eye, or having to deal with strained relations over our boyfriend's hospital bed, if it ever comes to that.

In keeping with that, we ran into each other in public a couple of weekends ago, and she said hello and shook my hand, though her eyes were flinty. But yesterday, I posted a "Happy Birthday" to her on her Facebook page—nothing overly personal, just the same generic well-wishing I put on literally each of my acquaintances' pages—and she deleted it. That seemed to me to be an act of overt hostility. So I begin to wonder if the situation is hopeless; does she just despise me, and there's nothing I can do about it? If so, is it even wise to stay in a situation where my metamour actively despises me?

I love my boyfriend so much, and I know he loves me just as much, but it seems like if his other partner is someone who actually HATES me, then it is unlikely to end well. I kind of feel like...I'll just list them bullet point, I guess.

- I feel sad that he could choose to remain involved with someone who can hold such vitriol in their heart toward me, especially when I have never behaved with malice toward either of them. For me, if I had another partner who was hateful toward him, I would have a very hard time holding that person in any kind of esteem.

- I feel worried that this situation will blow up into more nasty, stressful explosions down the line, given the lack of charity that she feels for me, and increasingly, the lack of charity that I am beginning to feel for her. It seems that flexibility and compromise are part of what has been keeping this thing afloat so far, and if both she and I ossify into beasts of war, it's bound to splinter.

- I feel hurt by her repeated rejections of my gestures of goodwill, and by her seeming determination to take everything that I've ever said to her in the most negative way possible (including so far as to literally believe the exact opposite of what I've said, and represent it to other people as truth). Therefore, I will make no more of these gestures (and that, I worry, will leave us in a perpetual Cold War).

- I feel mystified by WHY this has to be so difficult. "Can't we all just get along?" I'm not the type of person who makes enemies, or who has ever been called "a bitch" by anyone. It seems like adults should be able to work their problems out and be kind and civil, always. I literally just DO NOT GET what the problem is, try as I might. Someone please help me to understand!

- I feel confused about whether the dynamic of compromise we're putting into place here is a healthy one: he wants to keep trying to make things work with her, despite her wanting a different type of poly than what he says he wants that ends up making life more difficult on him (and me), and despite her apparently hating me. I want to keep trying to make things work with him, despite his staying with someone who makes my life more difficult and who hates me. At what point is it too much?

Lately, I've mostly just been living moment to moment, savoring the good things as they happen, and puzzling over the bad things from a place of relative peace when I have a period of quiet reflection. But it does still come up once in a while.

So, haunters of the boards, tell me:

What level of friendliness do you need to have with your metas in order to be comfortable and happy? Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like your metamour hates you? If so, how did you deal? Was it able to be resolved? Did it end poorly? Did you find yourself starting to hate them back, out of frustration? Did it strain your relationship with your partner? Have you ended a relationship over poor metamour relations? Did you regret it? Did you get back together with that person if/when their relationship with the problematic person ended?
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle.

What level of friendliness do you need to have with your metas in order to be comfortable and happy?

Doesn't matter what I need. You SAY what YOU need.

  • HINGE BF: Stop his tendency to grease the squeaky wheel in front of him at any given time. Start setting his own boundaries and advocating for his own needs for time management and what kind of poly model he wants to participate in. Like "Firm it up hinge -- stop being so....floppy." (<-- That seems to be the biggest issue for BOTH you and meta.)
  • META: One of my conditions of staying in the relationship, though, is that she and I can at least operate at the level of polite cordiality toward one another: "hello" and a wave, "please," "thank you," "excuse me," "happy birthday," "have a good night," etc.; I never want to have my night ruined by running into her and getting the stink eye, or having to deal with strained relations over our boyfriend's hospital bed, if it ever comes to that. (You do not list WHERE, but it sounds like boundaries for face-to-face interaction to me.)

She did that in public:
In keeping with that, we ran into each other in public a couple of weekends ago, and she said hello and shook my hand, though her eyes were flinty

Her eyes can be however. She's adjusting. She did the behavior.

But yesterday, I posted a "Happy Birthday" to her on her Facebook page—nothing overly personal, just the same generic well-wishing I put on literally each of my acquaintances' pages—and she deleted it. That seemed to me to be an act of overt hostility.

If it was generic greeting, why take it personally? Why read more into it other than her cleaning up "generics" she doesn't want off HER wall? Or that you need to articulate some FB boundaries for yourself?

Maybe you want to add a "me" for the behaviors out of you that you would like to see to help keep you comfortable and happy.

  • ME: I keep it polite when we bump into each other face to face or have to sort calendar on phone or email. I don't go LOOKING for her on FB. I don't take her management of her Facebook things personally. I do not interact with her in FB.

Facebook is not the world.

he wants to keep trying to make things work with her, despite her wanting a different type of poly than what he says he wants that ends up making life more difficult on him (and me), and despite her apparently hating me.

In that sentence? All HIS behaviors. Ergo his drama.

You seem to blame her for his behaviors. He has changed, the previous model no longer suits him. She's not up for another model. What more is there for him to do but end it? But he doesn't.

And you choose stay with him. (that is your behavior) So you choose to participate in wacky town. You choice is presently causing you discomfort.

I literally just DO NOT GET what the problem is, try as I might. Someone please help me to understand!

Maybe she is doing the same as you seem to be doing -- blaming YOU for HIS behaviors and HIS choices. It is easier to dump it on the "other guy" than to look at the shared sweetie's behaviors and how they contribute to the mess. Cuz we want to keep on loving them and we don't want to examine out own behavior.

He does wacky town behaviors.
You choose to participate in wacky town.
She chooses to participate in wacky town.

To me it sounds like both of you are fed up with a wonky hinge and act it out on each other. :eek:

I want to keep trying to make things work with him, despite his staying with someone who makes my life more difficult and who hates me. At what point is it too much?

Only you know if you hit your limit of tolerance for you choosing to hang out with the drama. Drama caused by his lack of decisiveness, lack of stating his own needs and letting the chips fall where they may.

If it were me? I would say "Hon, you seem to need extra time to sort things out on that side of the V. Determine if she is up for a new model of poly with you or if it is better for you to break up. So... take some time. Look me up when it is sorted out."

And I would decide for myself how long I feel like waiting. When the time is up? I have not heard anything or it is still going on and on with his drama? I would move on. At least I'm out of the drama circle.

But that is me. You have to sit and think what is best for you. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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Reverie

Active member
You are taking her FB wall deleting personally. If it was generic greeting, why read into it other than her cleaning up "generics" she doesn't want off HER wall?

Yes, I did take it personally, because FB informed me that like 50 other people had posted greetings just as generic, so mine seemed singled out. Maybe I shouldn't care, but it did seem like a snipe.

Maybe you want to add a "me"
ME: I keep it polite when we bump into each other or have to sort calendar, but I don't go LOOKING for her. I don't take her management of her Facebook things personally. I do not interact with her in FB.

Yes, this is exactly what I decided to do, at least, in terms of not reaching out to be polite anymore. That's what I meant when I said this:

Therefore, I will make no more of these gestures (and that, I worry, will leave us in a perpetual Cold War).

It just...sucks, you know? I guess I am just kind of looking for the wider range of opinions. Maybe, in fact, I need MORE than the cold cordiality in order to feel comfortable. Maybe I need to feel welcomed? But at the same time, I feel like it will never, ever happen. And maybe is an unreasonable "need"? To feel met with community and friendliness in a poly situation? This is why I'm asking for guidance.
 

thirteenth

New member
I read your blog religiously, reverie, and when I read about her deleting your Facebook birthday wish, I thought it was extremely passive-aggressive. Even if GalaGirl is correct and C. deletes all generic birthday wishes, she had to know this would send a message to you.

She sounds like a miserable person, and I keep hoping, for your sake, that your boyfriend will break up with her, or she'll decide she can't be your metamour and leave the relationship on her own. But if that doesn't happen, I guess you have to ask yourself how much hostility is too much. You seem to have a very full and interesting life, and you certainly aren't sitting around ruminating about her unpleasantness all the time.

If it were me, that situation would cause too much angst for me to handle it. To have a person who hates me for no good reason dating someone I love would weigh on me constantly. But I would definitely WANT to be the type of person who could let being the object of someone's hatred leave me unruffled. Does it diminish your boyfriend in your eyes, at all, that he dates someone who is so vitriolic and suspicious?
 

Reverie

Active member
If it were me, that situation would cause too much angst for me to handle it. To have a person who hates me for no good reason dating someone I love would weigh on me constantly. But I would definitely WANT to be the type of person who could let being the object of someone's hatred leave me unruffled.

This is basically where I'm at. I mean, I'd love to instantly be the kind of person who doesn't give a crap what other people think of me, but when it's people that are involved in my life through my boyfriend, I really, really want to feel liked and welcomed. It's depressing as hell, and it DOES weigh on me. Maybe not constantly, but fairly regularly.

Does it diminish your boyfriend in your eyes, at all, that he dates someone who is so vitriolic and suspicious?

It's starting to—not so much that he's dating her in the first place, but that he seems to be willing to sacrifice anything, including me, to hold on to the more negative person. I can't wrap my head around it. He tells me that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone, but his actions say that he's unwilling to let her go no matter how much the situation hurts me or how much it inconveniences him, as long as there is a hand-wavy promise of improvement in the future.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You keep calling it "I need to feel" but feelings are elusive. I rather go with measurable behaviors.

Let's take a look at that.

  • I need CONNECTION and BELONGING in my polyships. (anything else off the NVC need inventory?)
  • I want it expressed as MORE than the cold cordiality in order to feel comfortable.
    • I want to be welcomed warmly like (list of behaviors).
    • I want to met with community and friendliness in a poly situation with things like (list of behaviors)

If those are your needs and wants, do these behaviors also apply to the hinge? Not just the meta?

How are her current behaviors contributing toward meeting those needs for connection and a sense of belonging?

How is his current behavior of

He seems to be willing to sacrifice anything, including me, to hold on to the more negative person.

contributing to meeting those connection needs?

Galagirl
 
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Reverie

Active member
he wants to keep trying to make things work with her, despite her wanting a different type of poly than what he says he wants that ends up making life more difficult on him (and me), and despite her apparently hating me.

His drama. In that sentence? All HIS behaviors.

You seem to blame her for his behaviors. He has changed, the previous model no longer suits him. She's not up for another model. What more is there for him to do but end it? But he doesn't.

And you choose stay with him. (that is your behavior) So you choose to participate in wacky town.

Yeah. This is what I'm looking really hard at right now. He chooses to stay with her, and I choose to stay with him. I can only control what *I* do. I don't *think* that at this point, I'm blaming her for stuff that isn't hers (him staying, etc.), only for stuff like the little barbs of hatred (the deletion, etc.). I need to really decide what to do about "wacky town."

How is him knowing he wants a different model and trying to coax her into it when she wants another model him being kind to her? Or "trying to make it work" with you?

I guess it's probably not "kind to her" but I do believe that he believes that it is kinder than ending it. Whether or not that is true, I do think he believes it.

If it were me? I would say "Hon, you seem to need extra time to sort things out on that side of the V. Determine if she is up for a new model of poly with you or if it is better for you to break up. So... take some time. Look me up when it is sorted out."

And I would decide for myself how long I feel like waiting. When the time is up? I have not heard anything or it is still going on and on with his drama? I would move on. At least I'm out of the drama circle.

Yeah. This is where I got a few weeks ago. I was right up to the edge, but then he came to me telling me that he was really sure that things were going to be different. And I guess they were, a little bit. But this FB thing has set me off again, gotten me feeling like really, they are not going to change that much. The drama will keep surfacing. I guess it is time for another wholesale evaluation.

Thanks for your comments.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I don't *think* that at this point, I'm blaming her for stuff that isn't hers (him staying, etc.), only for stuff like the little barbs of hatred (the deletion, etc.). I need to really decide what to do about "wacky town."

Yep. She's got her list of behaviors too, but how do they impact you? By you choosing to be with him while he is with her. Your bigger fish to fry is him and his behaviors.

I guess it's probably not "kind to her" but I do believe that he believes that it is kinder than ending it.

Kinder for who? Himself?

To me a crucial hinge skill is being willing to let it go and make the hard calls. Even if it sucks for ME, sometimes the kindest thing I can do it set someone free so they stop having drama in their lives. They will be sad for a time (which stinks), but can heal and move on.(stink with end point). Rather than me letting them endure never ending stink because THEY don't want to let it go and I am putting off making a hard call.

It is not kind for me to string them along with promises of change or a brighter tomorrow. After a point it is the hinge behavior keeping all in wacky town rather than releasing people from it. Resentments build up and it eventually explodes. So in that sense... it does get solved. But what a mess!

Your hinge... he's too floppy sounding. It always seem to circle round back to that -- he's not esp decisive and he will say whatever to whoever he happens to be with in the moment:

Yeah. This is where I got a few weeks ago. I was right up to the edge, but then he came to me telling me that he was really sure that things were going to be different.

:(

Galagirl
 
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Reverie

Active member
You keep calling it "I need to feel" but feelings are elusive. I rather go with measurable behaviors.

Let's take a look at that.

  • I need MORE than the cold cordiality in order to feel comfortable.
  • I need to be welcomed warmly like (list of behaviors).
  • I need to met with community and friendliness in a poly situation with things like (list of behaviors)

If those are your needs, do these behaviors also apply to the hinge? Not just the meta?

How is his current behavior contributing to meeting those needs?

How are hers?

Galagirl

Hmm, this is all a good point. I guess if I were to explicate it thoroughly, it would look something like this:

  • I need MORE than the cold cordiality in order to feel comfortable.
  • I need to be welcomed warmly like
    - willingness to hold a friendly, superficial conversation, at least
    - ability to exchange typical, topical internet banter
  • I need to met with community and friendliness in a poly situation with things like
    - willingness to be present at the same events without turning it into a "custody battle" where time is sliced, traded, and there can never be any crossover
    - willingness to hold aforementioned friendly, superficial conversations at said events
    - treated the same as other friendly acquaintances, not as a hostile or a lesser being (ex. avoided, communications rejected out of hand)
    - be open to the idea of teamwork and collaboration for scheduling and planning things; not "best friends" but more "co-workers" or "teammates"

And yes, I would like him to do all of those things himself (indeed, he behaves that way with HIS metas). I don't know how his behavior could contribute to meeting those needs in the current situation, short of ending it with his other partner and making sure that when he starts a new relationship, his new partner is willing to do those things. (He has said that that would indeed be the case, if he and current meta broke up. He's said she's "grandfathered in.")
 

tenK

New member
I sympathise with your situation because I too have a fairly strong need to be liked, and it hits me hard when I feel that someone is unjustly judging me negatively for no good reason. But honestly, you and I both need to get a grip and feel good enough about our own personhood that we don't need this kind of validation from one who is, effectively, a stranger. I think at some point you need to take her behaviour at face value. It feels personal, it feels like she singles you out for resentful grouchy behaviour, but she doesn't even know you. Ergo, this isn't personal at all. You could be anyone dating her sweetie, and this is how she would act. She's not interested in having any kind of relationship with any of her metamours, and that's her right and perogative.

Poly is weird because it's so easy to get personal information about a metamour via the back channel of your shared hinge. Even if it's not specifically about her, you know he went to the zoo last Thursday (with her), he was stressed after work on Friday and had a quiet night in (with her) and watched the walking dead (he hates the walking dead, she must like it)...and so on. You know what I mean right? You can end up feeling like you know more about this person than you know about your best friend, yet here you have the disconnect in that she a) shows no interest in hearing anything about you and your life with shared p, and b) is actively hostile to attempts you make to bring her closer and bridge that mental disconnect. (The flip side of this is something I've experienced: that this info artificially hot-houses a friendship - you feel super-close to someone because you are sharing all these indirect experiences - but often it turns out that you actually have little in common and end up disappointed)

I think it's time to stop continuing the narrative you have in your head that says she hates you. She doesn't. She may not even hate what you represent. She may be perfectly fine sharing her partner, not see you as a threat, not actively wish ill on you in anyway. She just doesn't want to have you be part of her life. You don't get an automatic pass just because you're with him. I suspect she's just a very private woman, possibly an introvert, who is very picky about who she spends time with. That doesn't sound so bad does it? We all get to pick our own friends. Whilst many of us are happy to give a plus one to people close to our partners, be it friends, family, or other lovers, not everyone is down with that. Just sounds like a mismatch to me. I think you would do better to let it go, and as others have said, leave it to your hinge to handle the logistics. Don't take her behaviour as a personal rejection, and stop trying to reach out to her.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If she does not like "cozy model" like you do? She doesn't have to want "cozy model" like you do. Not all do.

If he considers her "grandfathered in" and he will not end it with her despite acknowledging it is not a model he wants? He comes as a messed up package. If you don't like the wonky package being offered to you? You could decline it.

You could decide if you want to keep participating where it feels like wacky town or not.

Not a fun thing, but that's basically where I see this at.

You decide if you value (your comfort and happiness) more or you value (hanging around him even when unhappy/need not met) more. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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Reverie

Active member
It is not kind for me to string them along with promises of change or a brighter tomorrow. After a point it is the hinge behavior keeping all in wacky town rather than releasing people from it. Resentments build up and it eventually explodes. So in that sense... it does get solved. But what a mess!

Your hinge... he's too floppy sounding. It always seem to circle round back to that -- he's not esp decisive and he will say whatever to whoever he happens to be with in the moment

Yep, flopping is his current big problem. Something that I have been helping him to work on by talking to him about it is not operating out of a place of fear (previous behaviors included lies of omission to meta and pulling the rug out from under me to appease meta when things got rough). But he is still flopping to some degree. He went into his last big relationship convo with her with his spine straight and ready to end it, but then he believed her (wanted to believe her?) when she said she was willing to work toward change. He felt that if she's willing to attempt change and compromise, then he owes it to her to give it a shot. He wants to make everyone happy, and he wants to keep both of his relationships functional, but I don't think that is necessarily possible in this situation.
 

Reverie

Active member
I think you would do better to let it go, and as others have said, leave it to your hinge to handle the logistics. Don't take her behaviour as a personal rejection, and stop trying to reach out to her.

I'm trying to let it go, and I'm definitely done trying to reach out to her. To do more would just be damaging to me. I dunno. One of my other partners, Moss, is a mega-introvert (like, would be happy seeing me once a month, has only two local friends, and doesn't really "do" social media), but he was still happy to watch football with Rider when he came to visit, and drink and watch us play music. They weren't insta-buddies, exactly, but they are both nice people who had only good things to say about each other after meeting. Seems like, no matter how introverted, it should be possible to be friendly-ish if there is no active animosity.

If he considers her "grandfathered in" and he will not end it with her despite acknowledging it is not a model he wants? He comes as a messed up package. If you don't like the package being offered to you? You could decline it.

If she does not like "cozy model" like you do? She doesn't have to want "cozy model" like you do. Not all do.

You could decide if you want to keep participating where it feels like wacky town or not.

Not a fun thing, but that's basically where I see this at.

You decide if you value (your comfort and happiness) more or you value (hanging around him even when unhappy) more. :eek:

Yep. That's basically where I see it, too. I recognize that she doesn't have to want what I want. And that he doesn't, either, though he said that he does want the "situation" I want. And it drives me up a wall that he is willing to settle for "situation" he doesn't want to be in with "person" he does want...but that's exactly what I'm doing if I don't walk away. Sigh. I guess I know that I do need to end it on this end if he doesn't end it on that end, I just gotta think of when. I am obviously not in the situation that I want to be in, or I wouldn't be stressing about it on this board for months now. It's such a bummer to be compatible with someone in so many ways, but there still surfaces a dealbreaker.
 
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Inyourendo

New member
stop trying to be friends with her, she does not want to be friends with you. You share a boyfriend, that is all. It would be like me trying to push a friendship with my best friend's other best friend, just because we share a friend doesnt mean that we also have to be friends. Personally I dont want to have anything to do with the other people that nate is seeing. I do think that they whole super bowl fiasco could have been avoided if you guys had an earlier time say 5pm instead of 830pm. I dont understand why the switch out time would be during a time when most social events are full swing.

There is absolutely no reason the two of you should ever have to interact with each other. Nate and sam have nothing to do with each other, they are both fine with that as am i. my life with nate is with nate, my life with sam is with sam, no need to interact with others.

Just because YOU want it to be a group poly dynamic doesnt mean that she's going to want that. You need to just leave her alone and accept that you are not going to be part of her circle.You are part of her boyfriend's circle only.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
it drives me up a wall that he is willing to settle for "situation" he doesn't want to be with "person" he does want...but that's exactly what I'm doing if I don't walk away.

Glad you are willing to see that.

I guess I know that I do need to end it on this end if he doesn't end it on that end, I just gotta think of when. I am obviously not in the situation that I want to be in, or I wouldn't be stressing about it on this board for months now. It's such a bummer to be compatible with someone in so many ways, but there still surfaces a dealbreaker.

Yes. Very disappointing. Sounds like you solved the WHAT to do... now working on WHEN to do it.

Keep sorting and you take care of YOU along the way, ok? :hug:

Galagirl
 

Mya

Member
I just recently broke up with my partner of almost a year, Ray, because I found out that his other partner didn't want to know anything about me, let alone meet me. It wasn't the only reason for the break-up, and our relationship wasn't as serious as yours seems to be, but I learned from my situation that I do have opinions about this subject.

In the beginning our relationship was so casual that I didn't care that much. Then Ray started to have a lot of drama with his third (at that point longest-term) partner and I didn't want to push it when he was having hard enough time as it was. Then finally when he broke up with the third and there was only me and my metamour left, and he got his other stuff together as well, we started to become a bit more serious and seeing each other almost every week. After a few months of things going well I started bringing up wanting to finally meet my metamour who Ray had been seeing as long as me. Then it took a few months for him to properly bring it up to her. Sometimes it was because she had stuff to deal with and sometimes it seemed to me that he didn't want to rock the boat. When he finally asked her, she said she doesn't want to know anything about me.

The next time we saw each other, Ray told me about their conversation. I was really sad and felt like a second class citizen. My metamour had also met some of his friends whereas I had never met any. I felt like this decision of hers (which he obliged) was affecting the possibility of me ever integrating into his life properly. I thought about it for a week or two and decided to break up with Ray. Like I said in the beginning, this wasn't the only reason, but it was the last straw. That just wasn't the kind of poly I was willing to do.

Also, when me and Ray broke up, he couldn't even talk to his (at that point only) partner about it, because she just didn't want to know about me. I think that's taking things pretty far.
 
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Reverie

Active member
Glad you are willing to see that.

Yeah, I've been seeing it for a while now. I just was unsure what was "reasonable"—whether what I feel like I need was reasonable or too much to ask. I never want to be that jerk who insists on getting my way all the time, but it's true that this is an ongoing issue that keeps cropping up, and will likely do so until it does end on one side or the other. If this is what *I* need in order to be comfortable in this type of relationship structure, then *I* need to go about getting it, or changing my relationship structure.

Keep sorting and you take care of YOU along the way, ok? :hug:

Thanks, GalaGirl. The internet hug somehow did make things a little better. I do worry that I'm going to come out the "bad guy" here—the one who couldn't bend enough, wasn't willing to sacrifice the way the others are sacrificing, so that it will look like I don't love as much. But I do.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
What level of friendliness do you need to have with your metas in order to be comfortable and happy?

None I do not need nor wish to have anything to do with any metamours. I am extremely choosy when it comes to friends and I would not want someone inserted into my life I did not invite there. That said I wouldn't put any influence over their relationship with my partner. Their relationship would be free to follow any path they wished. If we found ourselves at an event or etc I am a grown up and can behave as such.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like your metamour hates you?

Nope because I have had NOTHING to do with any of Butch's dates/gf's.

If so, how did you deal?

If I found myself in that situation you know what I wouldn't give a shit. I could care less what others think of me.

Was it able to be resolved? N/A

Did it end poorly? N/A

Did you find yourself starting to hate them back, out of frustration?

Nope again I wouldn't care and would not waste my energy worrying about it.

Did it strain your relationship with your partner?

Why would it strain my relationship with my partner? I keep my relationships separate.

Have you ended a relationship over poor metamour relations?

I would never end a relationship over such a trivial issue if I was happy in my relationship.

Did you regret it? N/A

Did you get back together with that person if/when their relationship with the problematic person ended? N/A
 
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