How much time are you spending on sex?

Sundrenched

New member
Hello! I'm curious to hear how much of your time with your non-primary/non-nesting partner centers on sex.

Details: I've had a partner for about 6 months whose date ideas primarily involve sex - sex at their place, my place, their car, in public, etc. We are both adventurous & have remarkable sexual chemistry, so I'm not complaining about the sex itself. More like I'm wondering how typical this is in poly, for partners who see each other about once a week.

We also have solid trust and vulnerability - they are emotionally supportive & proactively so. I have brought up how I'd like to spend more time out together - at movies, museums, dinner, etc., which is when some of the public sex ideas started emerging. I'm not opposed to any of this, I just feel like I want to be able to spend a solid portion of our time together doing other things.

tl;dr I have a great partner who I see weekly, but we spend most of our time having sex. In your poly experience, is this typical?

In case it's not obvious from my post, I'm new here and relatively new to polyamory. :)
 
There's really no such thing as typical. People develop relationships to suit the members involved.

The real question is, what do YOU want? Do you want a relationship that is focused mostly on sex? Or a different balance? I would spend some time thinking about that so you can articulate your wants and needs and then your partner can respond with their thoughts.
 
Friend, I love sex, but polyamory is not built on sex alone. I want to talk, eat food (cook together or try new restaurants), go for walks, watch movies, Netflix, etc., and sure, take in a museum, an arboretum, an antique mall, read out loud to each other, meet friends for a concert, etc., etc.

When you tell your partner you want to go out and do other things, and all they can think of is having sex in those places, it might be a red flag.

I mean, on the weekends when I see my bf (two overnights), we manage to have sex for an hour or two, eat dinner, watch a show or movie, have sex again, sleep, have sex towards morning, sleep again, get up, have breakfast, have sex, take a shower, go out shopping, museum, take a trail walk, do car maintenance or other necessary things like laundry or vacuuming or gardening, have sex again (we have done it in dressing rooms at Target a few times), eat again, maybe text our friends, family or other partners, take a nap, cook, and so on and so forth.

And we sometimes do day trips where we may not have sex for 8-12 hours. lol

If you only see your partner once a week for say, three hours, and no overnight, maybe there isn't time for much more than one really good sex session. But perhaps at least you could make your wishes known more strongly, and negotiate a quicker sex session which would then leave more time for another activity, like, every other week.

I did have one guy I used to see, who was pretty busy, and all we really did was have good sex for 2 hours, then talk for a half an hour, and then part. In between dates we would sext. But I considered him more of a play partner/boy toy than a polyamorous lover.
 
Friend, I love sex, but polyamory is not built on sex alone. I want to talk, eat food (cook together or try new restaurants), go for walks, watch movies, Netflix, etc., and sure, take in a museum, an arboretum, an antique mall, read out loud to each other, meet friends for a concert, etc., etc.
Ok great - I totally hoped that's what someone would say!
When you tell your partner you want to go out and do other things, and all they can think of is having sex in those places, it might be a red flag.
Heard, agreed, and perhaps I made it sound like they're constantly suggesting we have sex instead of enjoying those places.
That's not the case. We have a strong connection, solid communication, and lots of empathy and emotional support.
I mean, on the weekends when I see my bf (two overnights), we manage to have sex for an hour or two, eat dinner, watch a show or movie, have sex again, sleep, have sex towards morning, sleep again, get up, have breakfast, have sex, take a shower, go out shopping, museum, take a trail walk, do car maintenance or other necessary things like laundry or vacuuming or gardening, have sex again (we have done it in dressing rooms at Target a few times), eat again, maybe text our friends, family or other partners, take a nap, cook, and so on and so forth.

And we sometimes do day trips where we may not have sex for 8-12 hours. lol

If you only see your partner once a week for say, three hours, and no overnight, maybe there isn't time for much more than one really good sex session. But perhaps at least you could make your wishes known more strongly, and negotiate a quicker sex session which would then leave more time for another activity, like, every other week.
This last part is about how it works out: 3 hours, no overnight, lots of electricity. I'm realizing this may just feel too rushed for me, so maybe that's where I need to think creatively. Perhaps several hours every other week would feel like more time to actually go do something together and also have some sexy time.
I did have one guy I used to see, who was pretty busy, and all we really did was have good sex for 2 hours, then talk for a half an hour, and then part. In between dates we would sext. But I considered him more of a play partner/boy toy than a polyamorous lover.
I have a few play partners as well. :)
 
There's really no such thing as typical. People develop relationships to suit the members involved.

The real question is, what do YOU want? Do you want a relationship that is focused mostly on sex? Or a different balance? I would spend some time thinking about that so you can articulate your wants and needs and then your partner can respond with their thoughts.
Great advice - thank you!
 
Lots of exciting sex, a strong connection, solid communication, and lots of empathy and emotional support -- that does indeed sound like a winning combination that may require only a bit of tweaking of emphasis towards fun non-sexual activities.
 
I heard some young people speaking, college aged people, and they were talking about being at the stage where they know it's not good or realistic to rush relationships but you want to be on the same page about what it is and where it is going.

They were talking about the red flags that show when a guy isn't invested in you much past sex. The thing that I found interesting about it is that while I think guys do generally grow out of using women "just for sex", the red flags are the same for partnered women seeking additional relationships.

Like the guy who doesn't see the point of seeing you if you're on your period (unless you're still willingly sexually active). Or the guy who only sees you late at night or when there will be a place to go on to have sex.

Sometimes you don't realise that they're primarily interested in sex and not much else because they can be warm with it. It's not not until you suggest doing something where it's obvious sex will not occur that the discord in your expectations will arise.

These aren't bad guys and when you speak to them, they often assume that you're only seeking additional relationships because your current relationship is sexually unfulfiling. So they really thought you were on the same page when it comes to the true purpose of your union. They see it as a primarily sexual relationship with some features of friendship and the fun parts of a relationship. Sometimes that's what attracted them so trying to change this core doesn't work for them.
 
Hello Sundrenched,

I am in a new (long-distance) relationship, and for the first time in my life, I have tried my hand at some erotic literature for her. Two stories per week at the moment. But I would say those are the minority of our interactions, we talk about lots of other stuff.

I know, not the same as an in-person relationship (and real sex), but it's what we do in our situation. Perhaps this helps you in your situation in some small way.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ok great - I totally hoped that's what someone would say!

Perhaps I made it sound like they're constantly suggesting we have sex instead of enjoying those places.
That's not the case. We have a strong connection, solid communication, and lots of empathy and emotional support.

This last part is about how it works out: 3 hours, no overnight, lots of electricity. I'm realizing this may just feel too rushed for me, so maybe that's where I need to think creatively. Perhaps several hours every other week would feel like more time to actually go do something together and also have some sexy time.

I have a few play partners as well. :)
So you have this person who just wants tons of sex, even though you have "solid" communication, empathy, emotional support? Maybe you text for the empathy and emotional support, and then have a quick date once a week, where there's hardly time for more than fucking. That's barely a relationship.

Do you want to give up on the play-partners and see if you can put more time into making your most important loving relationship more solid and fulfilling across the board? It's possible to spread oneself too thin in poly, especially if you're new to it. You can get drunk on NRE, get what I call "kid in a candy store syndrome," be constantly juggling time to see and/or text multiple people. I did this early on in my poly life, and I'd get to where I'd forget what my conversations were with each partner. I'd forget what I told one person. "Did I tell this to A, or B? Am I repeating myself with C, or did I not tell him that at all?" Things like that.

I get polysaturated at 2 partners (whether they are all-in partners or play-partners/FWBs). I've done 3 r'ships at a time, but it gets wicked confusing and tiring for me. I'd rather be intensely into 2 people, and fully present for them, than just fleetingly casual with more.

Does the partner you're complaining about also have several partners?
 
I somehow had that with my first boyfriend - monogamous. We really liked (loved?) each other and meant it, but at some point most of our encouters were sex, which bacame boring in its own way. So that dilemma is not at all poly specific.
 
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Lots of exciting sex, a strong connection, solid communication, and lots of empathy and emotional support -- that does indeed sound like a winning combination that may require only a bit of tweaking of emphasis towards fun non-sexual activities.
Yes, it's like this. Thanks for acknowledging the dynamic I described is a genuine connection.
 
I heard some young people speaking, college aged people, and they were talking about being at the stage where they know it's not good or realistic to rush relationships but you want to be on the same page about what it is and where it is going.

They were talking about the red flags that show when a guy isn't invested in you much past sex. The thing that I found interesting about it is that while I think guys do generally grow out of using women "just for sex", the red flags are the same for partnered women seeking additional relationships.

Like the guy who doesn't see the point of seeing you if you're on your period (unless you're still willingly sexually active). Or the guy who only sees you late at night or when there will be a place to go on to have sex.

Sometimes you don't realise that they're primarily interested in sex and not much else because they can be warm with it. It's not not until you suggest doing something where it's obvious sex will not occur that the discord in your expectations will arise.

These aren't bad guys and when you speak to them, they often assume that you're only seeking additional relationships because your current relationship is sexually unfulfiling. So they really thought you were on the same page when it comes to the true purpose of your union. They see it as a primarily sexual relationship with some features of friendship and the fun parts of a relationship. Sometimes that's what attracted them so trying to change this core doesn't work for them.
Thanks for the comparison. I think my question/situation may have been less clear than I anticipated. We definitely have an investment in each other past sex, as I mentioned re: vulnerability, trust, proactive emotional support.
I'm (un)fortunately quite familiar with red flags of all shades. Those college folx aren't wrong lol
 
I somehow had that with my first boyfriend - monogamous. We really liked (loved?) each other and meant it, but at some point most of our encouters were sex, which bacame boring in its own way. So that dilemma is not at all poly specific.
Fair! Much of the drama I've heard about so far is structurally agnostic - would happen in monog/non-monog/poly, or any other dynamic.
 
So you have this person who just wants tons of sex, even though you have "solid" communication, empathy, emotional support? Maybe you text for the empathy and emotional support, and then have a quick date once a week, where there's hardly time for more than fucking. That's barely a relationship.

Do you want to give up on the play-partners and see if you can put more time into making your most important loving relationship more solid and fulfilling across the board? It's possible to spread oneself too thin in poly, especially if you're new to it. You can get drunk on NRE, get what I call "kid in a candy store syndrome," be constantly juggling time to see and/or text multiple people. I did this early on in my poly life, and I'd get to where I'd forget what my conversations were with each partner. I'd forget what I told one person. "Did I tell this to A, or B? Am I repeating myself with C, or did I not tell him that at all?" Things like that.

I get polysaturated at 2 partners (whether they are all-in partners or play-partners/FWBs). I've done 3 r'ships at a time, but it gets wicked confusing and tiring for me. I'd rather be intensely into 2 people, and fully present for them, than just fleetingly casual with more.

Does the partner you're complaining about also have several partners?
Thanks for weighing in and showing so much concern as I find my way into this space! I don't think I mentioned that he "just wants tons of sex," it's more that we have limited in-person time these days for reasons that seemed beyond the scope of my post. But yes, the quick date once a week feels insufficient, so I wanted to pulse-check others' experiences.

This person isn't my most important loving relationship. That spot is reserved for me, first and foremost, followed quickly by several close friends who've been there through several challenging years.

I feel quite good about my current number of play-partners, for now. I'm definitely attuned to your advice on early poly mistakes like spreading myself too thin. It may be stylistic, though, as I'm very extroverted and tend to have many deep friend connections and many more casual friends. Some would find that exhausting, I find it energizing.
 
Thanks for that update; I'm glad the two of you were able to work something out.
 
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