How much to reveal?

T

Token2

Active member
I've had a quite drawn out getting to know you period with a polyamorous guy (let's call him the Fireman because he is one) who seems really sweet and into me (but we've not gotten intimate, so that's probably to be expected, says my inner cynic).

We had set up 2 dates that were supposed to take us next level, and the 1st time I had to cancel because NP wasn't coping (sorted but he's still struggling a little) and the 2nd time he cancelled.

Anyway... this weekend, unless something else goes down, we're going to see if there's physical chemistry. If there is, our communication over several months indicates there's a relationship brewing.

Some of you may remember I was the hinge in a vee with my very long-term NP and a messy relationship with the Surfer who had and has survived cancer. We barely talked for a year after his ex triangulated us after we broke up. We then ended up as FWBs/comets, after my NP encouraged us to reconnect, and are still intimate. All I had wanted was to be part of his sexual recovery after the prostate cancer, and in the end I was. He hadn't had sex in that year. He'd gone on dates a few times. The first 2 or 3 times we had sex it was an intensely healing experience for us both.

We've enjoyed about 6 MFMs this year. He's not craving sex, but because of the cancer he masturbates 2 times a day. A doctor told him it helps with ED. I see a connection to his lower desire, he doesn't.

It's still messy and complicated. When I saw him a few days ago, for the 1st time 1-on-1 in 2 years, he revealed he felt I know him better than anyone besides his 2 childhood friends and that he had thought he couldn't be with me and date other people, but now he sees he can...

He's avoidant and fiercely independent, so gets the ick whenever anyone tries to take space in his life. It feels dangerous. He knows that. He's trying to date other people, but oh, surprise surprise, they're not like me... No shit, Sherlock. He's shit at relationships, so if he falls into one (mono) chances are it won't last and I guess that's where we have both realised being comets suits us.

We were friends who fucked before there were ever feelings, and the friendship is really important to both of us. It's not like it was before, when I believed I could love us into being an awesome couple.

We're not in a relationship. We may 1-on-1 again, but right now he's incapable of giving me the kind of relationship I want. And that's ok. I love having sex with him, we support each other when it's needed, and we both care about each other.

The Fireman presents like he can give me the emotional availability I'm after, plus actual dating, although I worry he's clingy, as he says he misses me when we've only met in person twice (but have texted a little daily for months).

Anyway, I feel unless he's living a mono life, I'm likely to keep the Surfer in my life. Apart from our rough year, it's been 5+ years.

I told the Fireman about the cancer journey, and that my relationship with the Surfer had run its course, although since we still have sex, it's complicated.

If there's real sexual chemistry with us, I want this to be a very open relationship, in terms of communication and sexual freedom. Any man who gets jealous is not a fit for me, as my preferred dynamic is stag/vixen.

Should I just say, "Hey, remember the messy complicated thing I told you about a few months back? Well, that's likely to keep ticking along in the background"? Or leave that until next time, and make sure I just make the night about us and discovering our vibe?

I'm really inexperienced in dating, an expert in sexual hookups. But the Surfer was an unexpected connection. And so the last time I dated a stranger it was the mid-'90s.

Should I glaze over NP having the wobble a few months back that made me cancel our 1st planned date? He was very understanding. He seems experienced in polyamory, said it's not the 1st time.

When we text it's not about deep things. Access to my deeper emotions are earned with connection, so we've not had any deep conversations.

I think I'm managing my expectations of all 3 of these lovely men in my life. But time will tell.
 
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I'm not sure the best way to handle this. Most advice agrees to be up front ASAP. I can see the benefit of waiting til after this date to see if you even have that chemistry and want to continue the relationship. Whether you have this talk before or after will only be a problem if he isn't into hookups and he then feels like you pulled a bait and switch on him.

Whatever you decide, understand the potential consequences of that decision.
 
Hi Token,

It is not time to reveal too much to Fireman just yet, you have told him a little about your situation with Surfer and that is enough. Information about the NP wobble can also wait for the time being. It's still a new relationship, let it take some time to determine how deep you want to go with it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I say be up front. Let your dating partner know what he is getting into: your NP is having wobbles; you have a FWB who is non-negotiable; you lean heavily towards a stag-vixen dynamic.

I feel this is information someone needs in order to make an informed decision as to whether they should move forward or not, whether they consent to sex or not-- unless, I suppose, you determine beforehand that it's just a one-off.

My last ex didn't tell me about other woman he was fucking until we were together six months, not long after he'd asked me to be his "primary partner." I remember balking at the word "primary." We had talked about poly, but I certainly hadn't agreed to it. I thought we were leaning ENM, and figured we had time to sort out rules later. Little did I know I was already in a "V"!

A few days after declaring me his "primary," he introduced the idea of his secondary as if she were a new person he'd been "talking to" and now was "getting serious about." I was shocked enough to learn he'd been "talking" to someone to that extent without telling me. What I didn't know was that, actually, he'd been with her the night after our first date and who knows how many times after.

I like to think, had I known he was actually already fully involved with someone else, I would never have even made it to that six-month mark. But honestly, by that time, I was in love. I was invested and I stayed, thinking I at least had the advantage of being the more-established partner. I only fully understood the extent of his lies-by-omission as we neared our breakup years later and he got honest. Nor was he honest with her. He let her think I was hunky-dory with all of it.

If you might want something real with your new guy, you'd best err on the side of honesty. Make sure you're on the same page before feelings get hurt or someone's precious time gets wasted. It's entirely possible he'll be fine with all of it. If not, you'd best know now.
 
Thank you all for your feedback.

There's no way I want to hide anything at all. We met through Feeld and my profile there is pretty clear and upfront.

I'm looking forward to asking him more about why polyamory is right for him, where everyone fits. He knows I'm really time-poor until February, and he is too, with only one (changing) day a week where he's not working or has his kids.

I suspect the two people he talked about months ago were women who booty-called him, but I could be wrong. He's in the kink scene too. I don't know where that fits in, either.

I guess I should ask the questions that help me understand the landscape, and answer the questions he asks me, but not overshare right now.

I've learned from my time as a hinge that it's not good to share too much with one partner about the other. Luckily I have a long-term female FWB from the swinging scene who is one year into a polyamorous relationship who I can talk to freely, and vice versa.
 
I think you could be up front. You come with two lovers -- NP and Surfer. That's your current risk profile. If you and Fireman are going to share sex, you could be upfront about your risk profile and he could be upfront about his. It sounds like he's got kink partners in the mix, and perhaps some casual booty-call people.

Y'all are adults. Do whatever consenting adults do, but be upfront about your risk profiles so you and Fireman can do informed consent with each other.

As for the rest, I don't think Fireman needs to know more. You already told him "it's complicated" with both NP and Surfer. Good enough. You don't have to share (or overshare) your whole emotional journey with NP or with Surfer right now. Fireman doesn't need to know all these personal details about your other relationships. He needs to know what kind of time and energy you can offer HIM.


I'm looking forward to asking him more about why polyamory is right for him, where everyone fits. He knows I'm really time-poor until February, and he is too, with only one (changing) day a week where he's not working or has his kids.
Click to expand...

Maybe take it in semester blocks. "For this term, I can do ____." And then check in again next term. Take it one thing at a time. Work, kids -- people have other obligations. I think they can be understanding about that, if it's communicated well.

My two cents,
Galagirl
 
Well, the jury is out on physical compatibility, but this guy plays a long game... The women in his life are all long distance and long term.

He shared just the right amount, I think. He directly asked me about my 2 dynamics. I didn't dive deep.

He's polyamorous to the core, so not going to disappear into monogamy, so I guess there's no real pressure on me. But sexual chemistry is everything for me.

Even though he said being a Dom didn't define him, it was clear it kind of does.
 
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